Happy New Year 2017!

I am actually very sleepy right now but I think this is a compulsory blog post for some reason. No, I do not have a lot to complain about so you can rest easy. This is not going to be an emotional shitstorm by me again. Yes, I am not outside counting down with people because I really want to sleep early today. I cannot say if I could have landed a date or not because I did not even try. To me, it is just a regular event. I am not going to get rich suddenly or all my problems will be solved. But I do recognize the date, thus this blog post. Should be appropriate to wrap up everything that has happened this year.

Looking back at all my blog posts it has indeed been a crazy year. Well each year has always been crazy I guess. But thankfully I think that my quality of life has improved. No, I am still renting a house and riding a motorcycle but generally I have better spending power now. I can go on vacations and spend more money on food. I can buy clothes, I can invest money into my hobbies and still cover my family properly. I finally bought life insurance! Finally I have everything covered I think. Moving forward, perhaps I can concentrate on figuring out my retirement plan. Yes, I am being serious here. I am 30 already. I don't really feel like doing coding till I am 50. I can do until I am 40 I suppose? Of course I could branch out to being a manager or consultant but I am looking at stopping working 9-5 when I hit 40. It is still pretty vague but I think it is a cool goal.

What about family you ask? Same answer as the last year or anytime of the year you could have asked me. I am not actively seeking a partner but I am not going to deny an opportunity either. I actually gave it a try this year but well, perhaps as some people suggested I should have made it known much more directly and do more talking in-person. Point taken. I am still learning the ropes here and I am not in a rush. Of course I feel lonely. But that is how it is. I try to concentrate on other things. Anyway I am not sure if I could have juggled my work, running and a partner effectively. If I am to love someone, I have the responsibility to focus on her right? Well I will know when I do get into a relationship.

As for running, I have improved a bit. I am definitely looking forward to improving further but fitness takes time as everyone would say. I got my first serious injury too. It was a very good learning experience. All this while I have been just persevering by being stubborn and continue running but this time I really have to stop. I didn't get bummed out because I really have to stop. I figured I only get annoyed by rest because I feel that I could still run. However, this time it was just not possible. Thankfully I have recovered just in time for the new year. Hopefully my body will be much stronger and healthier in 2017.

After thinking for a while, my biggest upset has always been my work. I stopped thinking about what the previous 'me' would have done because there is no point anymore. I have to do this. I have to change. I went against my principles. I got disappointed over and over again. I got betrayed over and over again. Everybody lies. But that is just how it is. Look at my biggest breakdown of the year. It was due to an office event. I still feel bad about it. Again, that's how things are. Just look at getting better then. Be a better liar. Be a better leader. Perform better. Be proud and magnanimous. Let actions speak for themselves. Record everything. Use everything. Everything is an opportunity.

I guess writing blog posts are actually really bad as some of my friends told me. I do get stuff off my chest but I remember stuff that I should not. It is actually easy to chill. Just don't think about it. Do other stuff. Something to learn for 2017 as well. Maybe I will stop blogging completely.

Happy New Year everyone.

If only...

And so I was right yet again. My phone continues to vibrate as the congratulatory messages pour in to the winners. Yet everything that transpired was my fault. Why did I have to open my god damn mouth? Why did I go to have a drink that night? And why wasn't I good enough to stand alongside them? The questions continue to flood my thoughts and it is getting harder and harder to hold it all together. The world is not ending yet, but this, this could have been easily prevented.

But after all that is said, I cannot change the past nor the present. It is reality now. A reality I have to live with. This will haunt me for as long as I stay. If there ever was a feeling worst than this, I do not want to experience it. This is the worst so far. Nothing in the past few months could compare to this. Nothing. This isn't something that was out of my control. This was the payment for my foolish mistake. To think that I am good enough to just talk about anything without backlash. This is the harshest life lesson I ever had to endure so far.

I know now. This helplessness. I am also aware of what I am doing right now and how ugly my thoughts are. Which makes it worst because I cannot stop my honest feelings and my direct opinions anymore. I swear I will never share ever again. The drink we had will be the last one. Not because I hate the people involved, not because I feel that I have been exploited, no. It is to simply avoid something like this to ever happen again.

This few days will be tough. I am sorry my teammates. I truly am. If only...

The end of another chapter

Guess I just need to blow off some steam. Being so tired isn't really helpful either. Now, where to start? I would like to apologize to my team members for ultimately not even qualifying. The idea and execution wasn't good enough to carry us through. As I think about the effort and on top of everything, my emotions invested into it, I also realize that they have invested their trust and emotions too. I am terribly sorry. Maybe I am just taking things too seriously and overthinking things. But to the winners, please accept praise graciously. If my idea was better, I would have won as well. What you are doing is just rubbing it in.

Maybe I was overconfident and reality has to kick me around a bit. The reason better not be the same as last year's. I would like them to tell me earlier if it was the case. Then I wouldn't be using 2 days building something that ultimately is not needed. Could have done something that is useful. To me, it is a waste. I do not see it as an enhancing experience. Well, maybe this enhances my emotions a bit. To look at the positive side, it has been a long time since I have really worked hard for something alongside people. Even running is basically just me alone chasing after an impossible goal. It feels good to fight together.

And my writing skills got some action. It has also been long since I have written anything. I really liked writing. Though nowadays it is only a skill I use to vent off. But no matter how good my writing is, or how good I am at problem solving, it didn't matter in the end. Somehow I always fall short at the most important point. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I am just plain stupid. I can feel the team feeling pretty down as the winners are announced. All of us wanted our effort to be worth something. I admit that I made a mistake during the presentation. Again, maybe I am overconfident. Would things ended better if I stayed back like everyone and invested more time into it or my idea was doomed from the start? I don't know and at this point I feel bad for blaming random stuff.

I will remember this defeat. I will remember this till the end of my memory. I will remember everything everyone of you said to me. The anger, the disappointment and the anguish, I will keep them close until I no longer need such a reminder. Maybe this is just punishment for myself. I am not sure. But I feel that this is right. To make sure this will never happen again. Either I get good, or I do not wear this responsibility ever again. I hope that I will not fail anybody else. Because I can never apologize enough.

How can people just treat it so lightly I wonder? Have they never considered winning? I don't think so. Maybe it just doesn't mean that much to them. Maybe I am just a sore loser. I guess I will accept the aftermath after a few days. Again, this is just me venting. Nothing I do now can change the past. Maybe I should just sleep early and go have a run tomorrow.