Wanted to delay the post but I guess I should not since I have already forgotten more than half of what I intended to say. Before I wrote this I was checking my older posts and I saw a weird post more than a year ago. It was about a letter to someone after I died. I have written it for fun after reading about it somewhere. It was not addressed to my parents but to the one I love. I was scratching my head but as I read on, I remembered who was it for. Funnily though, about a year later, news broke out that the person I liked was attached to someone a few years her junior. Yes, HER. I am not gay. It is pretty fun to actually wonder what was I thinking about when I was writing some of the posts a long time ago. I cringe reading some of it but I enjoyed it. It shows how much I have changed. For better or for worst I have changed.
Though I fear the change is more internally than externally. A week ago I attended the wedding dinner of a good friend and I hitched a ride with someone I have not seen for several years. He was in the car with his wife. But I was surprised when I saw their young one strapped to the backseat. So here I am in a 2 hour long trip, sitting side by side with a 2 and a half years old kid. I was petrified. I am the kind that run conversations in my head prior to appointments to mentally prepare myself but how am I supposed to handle a kid who calls me uncle and asks me to look at cars and sign boards? What was I supposed to do? I was expecting some long conversations with my friend. To keep things short, the trip was pretty uneventful, the kid was very well behaved and it was entertaining watching his antics. But one thing stuck in my mind. I am still socially inept.
I did not stutter when I met the other friends at the wedding hall. I look at their eyes and chatted away like we just met 2 weeks ago. I answered everything and asked back. I could hold my ground now. But I should have been able to do that 5 years ago when it matters the most back in the university. Not now. And I figured I could do all that confidently is because I am mentally prepared. Like people before a speech. However, I should not have to do all that. I should be able to talk naturally to anybody at anytime without overthinking, without preparing topics. My mind should be quick enough to act on the fly. My confidence should be high enough that I see myself as peer with the people I am talking to. Even if he/she is the president, I should be able to confidently speak, politely and properly, perhaps even pull off a joke. But I could not.
A few days ago I attended my company's wedding dinner. It was a very grand event, with everyone dressed up nicely. And that is where everything went to hell for me. The same as last year I felt inferior. Out of place. So inferior I wanted to escape. The women are all so elegant and charming. The dapper gentlemen of my company, with their coat and blazer all looked so immaculate. I came with my sport shoes and just a simple long sleeved shirt. I might have been a bit stingy about it but buying leather shoes and dressing up just once a year is not worth it. And so, what is the definition of worth? Will I be thinking about it if I have money to get all those? Perhaps not. But wait a minute. Some people went there dressed in t-shirt and jeans. And they are not affected one bit. They chatted away, taking pictures like they belong there. How are they so sure, so confident of themselves? How are they so strong?
Maybe the reason why I strive so hard to perform at work or at play is to cover my inferiority complex. To gain confidence. To be sure of myself. I need to make up for it. I want to feel good about myself. I want to stand as a peer to everyone else. I want to think that even though I do not have wealth, I have something else. But I am not very successful with it. During the annual dinner, some of the girls caught my eye, one of them knocked me breathless. But what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Why not? I am too unsure of myself to approach her. But will I ever be ready? Most of you will answer with a deafening no. Nothing can prepare you for a relationship. Every person is unpredictable and love is an adventure. And it irritates me that some people I know rejects a relationship due to trauma of the past. You had a choice, can't you even think twice? Someone to love me, is only something I could imagine.
If we are meant to be together, we will be together. Cowardly words. And I used to hold on to it so strongly in the past. Excuses, nothing more. Maybe one day I will encounter someone that will force me to get out of the comfort zone. Someone so important to me that I must step up and fight for her. Hopefully, someone that will be my future wife.
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