Happy New Year 2017!

I am actually very sleepy right now but I think this is a compulsory blog post for some reason. No, I do not have a lot to complain about so you can rest easy. This is not going to be an emotional shitstorm by me again. Yes, I am not outside counting down with people because I really want to sleep early today. I cannot say if I could have landed a date or not because I did not even try. To me, it is just a regular event. I am not going to get rich suddenly or all my problems will be solved. But I do recognize the date, thus this blog post. Should be appropriate to wrap up everything that has happened this year.

Looking back at all my blog posts it has indeed been a crazy year. Well each year has always been crazy I guess. But thankfully I think that my quality of life has improved. No, I am still renting a house and riding a motorcycle but generally I have better spending power now. I can go on vacations and spend more money on food. I can buy clothes, I can invest money into my hobbies and still cover my family properly. I finally bought life insurance! Finally I have everything covered I think. Moving forward, perhaps I can concentrate on figuring out my retirement plan. Yes, I am being serious here. I am 30 already. I don't really feel like doing coding till I am 50. I can do until I am 40 I suppose? Of course I could branch out to being a manager or consultant but I am looking at stopping working 9-5 when I hit 40. It is still pretty vague but I think it is a cool goal.

What about family you ask? Same answer as the last year or anytime of the year you could have asked me. I am not actively seeking a partner but I am not going to deny an opportunity either. I actually gave it a try this year but well, perhaps as some people suggested I should have made it known much more directly and do more talking in-person. Point taken. I am still learning the ropes here and I am not in a rush. Of course I feel lonely. But that is how it is. I try to concentrate on other things. Anyway I am not sure if I could have juggled my work, running and a partner effectively. If I am to love someone, I have the responsibility to focus on her right? Well I will know when I do get into a relationship.

As for running, I have improved a bit. I am definitely looking forward to improving further but fitness takes time as everyone would say. I got my first serious injury too. It was a very good learning experience. All this while I have been just persevering by being stubborn and continue running but this time I really have to stop. I didn't get bummed out because I really have to stop. I figured I only get annoyed by rest because I feel that I could still run. However, this time it was just not possible. Thankfully I have recovered just in time for the new year. Hopefully my body will be much stronger and healthier in 2017.

After thinking for a while, my biggest upset has always been my work. I stopped thinking about what the previous 'me' would have done because there is no point anymore. I have to do this. I have to change. I went against my principles. I got disappointed over and over again. I got betrayed over and over again. Everybody lies. But that is just how it is. Look at my biggest breakdown of the year. It was due to an office event. I still feel bad about it. Again, that's how things are. Just look at getting better then. Be a better liar. Be a better leader. Perform better. Be proud and magnanimous. Let actions speak for themselves. Record everything. Use everything. Everything is an opportunity.

I guess writing blog posts are actually really bad as some of my friends told me. I do get stuff off my chest but I remember stuff that I should not. It is actually easy to chill. Just don't think about it. Do other stuff. Something to learn for 2017 as well. Maybe I will stop blogging completely.

Happy New Year everyone.

If only...

And so I was right yet again. My phone continues to vibrate as the congratulatory messages pour in to the winners. Yet everything that transpired was my fault. Why did I have to open my god damn mouth? Why did I go to have a drink that night? And why wasn't I good enough to stand alongside them? The questions continue to flood my thoughts and it is getting harder and harder to hold it all together. The world is not ending yet, but this, this could have been easily prevented.

But after all that is said, I cannot change the past nor the present. It is reality now. A reality I have to live with. This will haunt me for as long as I stay. If there ever was a feeling worst than this, I do not want to experience it. This is the worst so far. Nothing in the past few months could compare to this. Nothing. This isn't something that was out of my control. This was the payment for my foolish mistake. To think that I am good enough to just talk about anything without backlash. This is the harshest life lesson I ever had to endure so far.

I know now. This helplessness. I am also aware of what I am doing right now and how ugly my thoughts are. Which makes it worst because I cannot stop my honest feelings and my direct opinions anymore. I swear I will never share ever again. The drink we had will be the last one. Not because I hate the people involved, not because I feel that I have been exploited, no. It is to simply avoid something like this to ever happen again.

This few days will be tough. I am sorry my teammates. I truly am. If only...

The end of another chapter

Guess I just need to blow off some steam. Being so tired isn't really helpful either. Now, where to start? I would like to apologize to my team members for ultimately not even qualifying. The idea and execution wasn't good enough to carry us through. As I think about the effort and on top of everything, my emotions invested into it, I also realize that they have invested their trust and emotions too. I am terribly sorry. Maybe I am just taking things too seriously and overthinking things. But to the winners, please accept praise graciously. If my idea was better, I would have won as well. What you are doing is just rubbing it in.

Maybe I was overconfident and reality has to kick me around a bit. The reason better not be the same as last year's. I would like them to tell me earlier if it was the case. Then I wouldn't be using 2 days building something that ultimately is not needed. Could have done something that is useful. To me, it is a waste. I do not see it as an enhancing experience. Well, maybe this enhances my emotions a bit. To look at the positive side, it has been a long time since I have really worked hard for something alongside people. Even running is basically just me alone chasing after an impossible goal. It feels good to fight together.

And my writing skills got some action. It has also been long since I have written anything. I really liked writing. Though nowadays it is only a skill I use to vent off. But no matter how good my writing is, or how good I am at problem solving, it didn't matter in the end. Somehow I always fall short at the most important point. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I am just plain stupid. I can feel the team feeling pretty down as the winners are announced. All of us wanted our effort to be worth something. I admit that I made a mistake during the presentation. Again, maybe I am overconfident. Would things ended better if I stayed back like everyone and invested more time into it or my idea was doomed from the start? I don't know and at this point I feel bad for blaming random stuff.

I will remember this defeat. I will remember this till the end of my memory. I will remember everything everyone of you said to me. The anger, the disappointment and the anguish, I will keep them close until I no longer need such a reminder. Maybe this is just punishment for myself. I am not sure. But I feel that this is right. To make sure this will never happen again. Either I get good, or I do not wear this responsibility ever again. I hope that I will not fail anybody else. Because I can never apologize enough.

How can people just treat it so lightly I wonder? Have they never considered winning? I don't think so. Maybe it just doesn't mean that much to them. Maybe I am just a sore loser. I guess I will accept the aftermath after a few days. Again, this is just me venting. Nothing I do now can change the past. Maybe I should just sleep early and go have a run tomorrow.

Once in a while

It has been a while since I have written a post. It has been a while since I have written anything longer than a standard Facebook status update except for work emails. I guess it is a good sign. I used to treat this blog as an outlet for my frustrations. I am still plenty frustrated all the time but I deal with them better now. Maybe it is just part of growing up. I have always been a late bloomer. I didn't chase after girls when I should and I didn't think much about finances until it was pretty late. Better late than never I suppose. I am still alive and well, kicking and thrashing into my 30th birthday end of this year. As long as I live, there is always tomorrow and subsequently new opportunities. But don't wait too long for matters not concerning yourself. You cannot control what other people do and it might be too late if you delay things too much.

I think I have done this before but I would like to dedicate this blog post to counting my blessings. We have always been telling others what is wrong and what is missing but we don't really tell others what is right and what is available. Of course it could be mistaken as being a showoff but we should always feel good about ourselves. Do not mistake my intention of being grateful as being complacent. Maybe more on that later. I found inspiration for this post when I was having a walk around the park near where I rent my room earlier before dinner. As I was walking by, there were 2 mothers with their children walking close to each other. One of them has the body of a supermodel, with the height as well. The other is just your average mother, visibly shorter but no less impressive. As the supermom ran after her child, the other watched as she whizzed by. At that time I wonder, what is she thinking about?

Would she be jealous of the height? Of course not. Maybe it was just an empty glance. Height is not something you can change no matter what you do. Sure you can try to do surgery that extends your leg but to what extent? At that point of time, I thought to myself, is it even something to be jealous of? I have always been insecure of my physical appearance due to lack of confidence but I have been joking about it for so long I don't really care anymore. And I thought that I am actually blessed to be this height. I am comfortable with this height, I feel good about this height. I should. I am not short at all. Me being able to bring out the attractiveness of my height is a different thing altogether. That is something I can change. Sure I got some postural problems but again, that is something that can be fixed. Then what about if I was 10cm shorter? Of course, maybe my thinking will be different then, but for now, I am just happy I wasn't even 5cm shorter.

With that in mind, I proceed to plan this blog post out. I think this is something good and positive that I should remind myself about. Physical appearance aside, what about my health? I am very lucky to have a healthy family background. No relatives suffer from any terminal disease as far as I know. So that actually boost my health rating by a lot. I do not have any genetic defects, disabilities or terminal disease myself. What are the odds? I can eat, sleep and run perfectly fine. I am here typing as fast as I can while listening to music. I am a fully functioning human being. Sure, I wear glasses but I can still see as far as most of you can. I can still appreciate the view of distant lands and I can talk about it to the people I know. I do not need any assistance to the toilet nor do I need to take medication every day just to live another day. This is actually awesome!

Now, here comes the grey area. What about my life so far? Considering I have lived through several life-threatening accidents without any broken bones I would rate it very lucky already. Furthermore at least a few of them is due to my own carelessness so I can't fault anybody else nor should I wish for anything better. The scars on my body is a small price to pay. I have a job and I can afford some of life's little pleasures. I am not rich at all but I am not poor either. Perspective is relative. Rich people would view my current way of life as being poor. But people born into poverty would be happy with just hot water and air conditioning. I think I am comfortable so it is still okay. I like distance running and I have been able to progress pretty well while meeting a lot of new people. Life's commitments don't always arrange themselves to let you have the luxury of investing so much time on a hobby. I consider myself lucky that I could actually find time.

Of course, I am still single. If I have a partner maybe I don't have time for running and my finances will be tight. However, that is okay as well. Look at everything I have listed. If every person is assigned their attributes from birth and all my relationship points are invested into all the other areas of life, I can't complain. Would I like to have a hot Korean girlfriend but I lose my leg or suffer from hypertension? No. I can answer immediately without thinking, NO. Humans are social creatures but we are also adaptive. Even if I should die alone, not knowing any meaningful relationships, well what can I do about it? By then it would already be too late to regret anyway. And here is where I want to draw the line between being complacent and accepting reality. No point crying about the present. It is as it should be. It is what it is. But there are many things you can control for your future.

I know I can enjoy running but I don't merely run, I try to excel in it and maybe make it a larger part of life by joining clubs or maybe even teaching people. I know I have a job, but I don't stay in autopilot mode, I fight for a better opportunity. Who knows, maybe when I am good at running it can help chip in where my job is lacking. I know I have the height but there isn't much point if I am overweight, I would just look like an overgrown pear. But I would look quite good if I slim down and pack some muscles. And from there maybe it would improve my chances of landing a partner for life. Well, even if it doesn't at least I think it opens up more opportunity to make more friends. I have more options. And all of this contributes to a better life in general which hopefully can extend my life. With a longer lifespan, I will have more opportunities to make things even better. As I mentioned in the beginning, as long as I am alive, I guess I can still make it for a lot of stuff.

So, in conclusion, I should just be happy with the present, right? No. I will stay greedy. But I will be grateful about it. Maybe we should all just take a day and reflect. I am approaching 30 now. It has been one hell of a run thus far but you can be damn sure I want to see what lies after that hill. Enough about me then. What about you? Hope this post helped you as long as it has helped me. It is pretty fun just sitting here and writing stuff. I used to write everyday. Can I write stuff like this everyday? Hardly. Things still feel like shit sometimes and you just feel like screaming at the sky. But this post is a great start ain't it?

New year, new decisions

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! With both the Western and Chinese new year celebrations behind, I can really say that the new year has begun. And once again it is time for me to set down my goals for the year. Usually I will refer to what I wrote last year but might as well start things anew this time around. I will just write what I feel like writing.

First of all, I managed to break my personal record for marathon running. I intend to improve my timing further and hopefully one day I will make it for the Boston Marathon. Of course if I can still go further, I will and it is exciting every time I wonder about it. This year's training schedule should be focusing on nutrition and consistency. Even though I broke my own record but it was by a few minutes and I can't say I am pleased with that. I was expecting a greater result but the previous year wasn't really good, training-wise.

After last year's Hong Kong marathon, I had severe muscle spasms until Chinese New Year and it took me a while to get back to training. After that, I had the trip to Bangkok in April so again, training was reset. Later on, there was the surprise tech lead training at HQ for a week in June. I only started properly training around July and the haze started hovering over Malaysia a month or so later. This year though, I only have a planned trip this coming June for the Phuket Marathon and that should count as training too.

That's why the training theme should focus on consistency. I will resume my current training plan because I think it has a good balance of rest and effort. I just need to make sure I keep at it and gradually increase the effort, speed-wise or mileage. Well training for running is pretty simple actually. I was actually thinking about buying a proper running watch but looking at my current bank balance and the fact that if I manage to run faster without one would be funny, I decided not to. Yes, I still hold a deep grudge against being 'poor'. I will show all you people who could buy one, what someone who could not is capable of.

The other theme is nutrition. I mentioned that I will quit alcoholic drinks before Chinese New Year but it was not possible so I took advantage of it and drank enough for the whole year. I think I ate enough to carbo-load for my June run as well. Jokes aside, I will try my best to not drink any beer. I will be expecting a lot of teasing and insults but that is when I will find out who matters to me. If anything, it should provide fuel for my training. I will also increase my intake, both macro and micro. The days of body-building are long gone, I will focus on just replenishing supplies and promoting growth. I will commit to daily multivitamins.

That is all for my new year resolution I guess. Work-wise, I can't really say much without revealing company details and that might jeopardize me professionally. How about I tell you more after some drinks? Non-alcoholic of course! Relationship-wise, well I can feel the pressure from all sides and I can understand why. I am not young. My relatives are not young as well. However, I have no interest in putting effort looking for one. I am dedicating all resources to running for now. If, by any miracle someone would fall on my lap, I would be an idiot to say no. But who would actually like someone who doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day? I mean if you only treat her extra special on the day, something is wrong with you. If she expects you to treat her extra special on the day, ignoring all the other days, something is wrong with her. To me, that day is just like any other day. It is just another Sunday. Why would you let your relationship matters be dictated by a schedule in a calendar?

29 years of existence!

Today is my birthday :) 29 years already. Survived several accidents with scars to show. Still healthy, with a job and rented roof above my head. Anyway, first things first, I wish to give thanks for the free Starbucks frapp I got today. Originally I made up my mind this morning to set aside as much as RM100 so I can eat as much as I want but ended up just having normal meals. I really wanted to go Chillis but I guess it is too much to ask for when I did not make it known to my colleagues earlier beforehand. There is always next time though. Is this how my year went? Words not spoken? Full of regrets? Or perhaps it is the other way around?

I have no idea where should I start. I didn't even feel like a year has passed until I went to buy the Christmas gift for the office annual exchange. The amazing year started with my trip to Hong Kong last January for the marathon. It was my first trip overseas as an adult. Flying to Singapore when I was barely 9 does not count. An eye opening experience. First time experiencing cold weather. Walking the streets of Hong Kong, the same streets I always see in TV dramas, was in fact, the best part of the trip. To eat the food, to hear them speaking Cantonese, it was a bit too much at the time for me to register.

Chinese New Year was mostly just me nursing my legs which started cramping pretty often after overstraining myself in the Hong Kong marathon. Visiting old friends, gambling and most importantly eating good food for the entire week. I did miss out on the annual school mates reunion. I guess it really is farewell. March was uneventful, mostly preparing for the upcoming Nepal trip. However, the unfortunate disaster struck Nepal and I think we got really lucky. We ended up travelling to Bangkok instead. It was an interesting trip but my wallet was still hurting from spending on flight tickets to 2 places in 1 month so I could not enjoy everything Bangkok has to offer.

The year got more interesting when there is a reshuffling in the office with me ended up being offered the role of team technical lead. It was pretty funny because my manager actually asked me if I was interested to be a technical lead during the annual review and I wasn't. I see it as a sign and jumped off my comfortable chair. Ended up in the plane to office HQ in Holland. It was really cold, sunlight was really long and the country is really awesome. 3 trips overseas all within the first 3 quarters of the year. I am still very thankful for the opportunity.

It was pretty challenging being the technical lead. It still is. I had no idea what I should do, because I am not exactly the team lead either and this is the first time I am officially being made the leader of something. I was not exactly preparing myself for the role beforehand either. Meanwhile, I got back to running marathons. Unfortunately the KL marathon got cancelled due to haze. But later in the year, at the end of November, I finished an ultramarathon. The torture is still pretty fresh in my mind right now so I can't say for sure if I will join again next year.

In conclusion, I think a lot of things got better. It would have been the perfect year if my social life improved as well. But looking at it realistically, I guess indeed I am asking way too much. To get something, I first need to invest in it. That means getting a car and making an effort to connect to people. In the office, I now have the same reputation as Smaug and not in a good way either. Nobody I know back home ever complained that I am being too direct or rude. Not even in my previous company. Aggressive maybe, but I don't think it is that bad.

Reality speaks for itself I suppose. So here I am sitting alone in my room on my birthday writing this blog post. I miss home. I told myself that I can train, I can sleep, I can play computer games but who am I kidding. I would be happy to just go back home and roll on the ground. Meeting my friends is a great bonus. Even as I write about my trips I feel empty. Those memories are something, but not the most important thing right now. I really want an awesome social life. To have friends, to have a partner. To have someone, not just my parents. As I stare at my phone, there is no one to call. Maybe I should use the next few days and see what I can do to change the situation in the coming year. Yeah, that sounds positive. Good start. Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!!

The future is scary

I find that the future is actually very scary. People change. Priorities, circumstances, a lot of things change with time. Sometimes no matter how strong, intelligent or socially powerful you are, you cannot change things instantly, only through time. Today I find myself being the very type of person that I could not understand so many years ago. Not only did I stop playing Dota, I generally stopped playing games opting to simply rest or watch some shows. My interest still lies with the games but I find that I have less and less time to invest on it. And I am the kind that would not do things half-heartedly. So subconsciously, I decided to ditch Dota. Dota is, simply put, one of the best things that ever happen to me. The other me, the me who comes out during Dota matches, may not exist anymore but the memories remain.

Recently, another big Dota 2 competition came to a close with a big upset. However, it was just entertainment. I do not feel any attachment since I have never stood on such a grand stage. I support my favorite teams and players and that is all to it. They belong to another world unknown to me. What is known to me though are amateur Dota tournaments. I have won and organized amateur Dota tournaments before. And today, everything came back to me when I walked in to spectate the local Mountain Dew Dota 2 Amateur Competition. There are no commentators, no grim-faced managers, no gigantic projector or even rows of chairs. There are only friends, teammates and some young people scrambling around yelling for the next team to get ready. This is how everything used to be.

I returned to a home that is not familiar to me anymore but I still have memories of being there. Both as a resident and as an owner. I remember how the team arrived early, lock in our selected heroes and flipped a coin to determine which side of the map we will start on. I remember how in the days leading to it we studied, we practised and we played like our very lives depended on it. At that time, perhaps it was. My existence was defined by it. I was more famous as a player than as a friend, than as a coursemate in my university. I was known as the one who took people in one-on-one duels to win food and small change back in my hometown. I felt needed. I felt important. And I felt alive.

As the tournament progressed, I remember how my team behaved the same way, watching the other teams play. Trying to figure out their weaknesses and thinking how we could counter them. The anticipation and the long wait for our turn, how it wore us down. Last but not least, the overwhelming confidence, knowing that we could beat them down, snickering as we watched the others. That disgusting confidence. I missed it so much. To know you are the strongest. The sense of superiority that lead you to view others separate from yourself, as if you are a different level of existence. Now I am just the average 9-6 worker you can spot anywhere. Not so superior anymore. Not so confident anymore.

Organizing a tournament is fun too. You get to set rules and you get to see how everything turns out. You get to know people. I actually do enjoy getting to know people, just not making friends. Or perhaps more accurately, I simply enjoy talking to people. And you know for sure that everyone there shares the same interest, the same passion, the same language. You feel comfortable. You feel happy. It is tiring, yes, but it is very much worth it. Nowadays, to find things 'worth' doing is rare. What you usually get are things you 'need' to do. Obligations, responsibilities and the list goes on and on. We instead try to find happiness in mundane chores. To find satisfaction in mediocrity. It is but a lie. You can keep on telling me to let go of the past, but the past is where I lived the most. Now, the future is scary.

A good learning experience

It has been a while since I last blogged. The previous post is how a professional gamer finally achieved the highest level of success after persevering for so long. It is a reflection of my own hopes and dreams of being recognized, of being able to stand on top through hard work. But we all know that is not enough. Anyway, this post is about the recently concluded team building event I just attended at the peaceful island of Pangkor. Needless to say, there is much to reflect on. This time around, I am blogging in the MORNING because I guess you can say it is almost scientifically proven that writing posts at night almost always degenerates to rants and whining.

A lot of things could have been avoided if only I made the right choice at the time. But who would have known? Who would have known I would suffer a breakdown later? Rolling back to the start, the night before the company is supposed to gather at 7am, my manager invited some of us to drinks. It went all the way till midnight. It was a big mistake. I had to wake up at 5am sharp to prepare and make the journey to the LRT simply because I was and still am too stingy to call up a morning taxi. Walking 3km with luggage after a night of drinks and skipping dinner is a serious challenge even to someone who runs full marathons a few times a year. I reached in time to join the rest for breakfast and the journey begins. I could not sleep in the bus ride because, well, it is still morning.

We arrived, settled down, had lunch and played some games. It wasn't that bad. On hindsight, it was the best set of games out of all 3 sessions. My team ended up first, wasn't expecting that honestly. After the games, everyone was free. I spent the evening hanging out at the pool, laughing and observing. Dinner time came but something was wrong. I did not have an appetite. I ate a bit but nothing like the usual portion. The beer arrived and I grabbed a can. That was the only can I held on to for the next 4 hours. Everyone walked around, we even had supper at a local restaurant, tasting fresh seafood but I still could not finish the can. I started feeling unwell and thankfully I ended up back in the hotel, but unfortunately surrounded by drinking colleagues. I was angry at myself for not being to drink as much as I wanted to. I knew I could. I have proven I could before. Their relentless heckling did not help. At that point I just wanted to go back to my room and sleep. I am going to be teased either way, why not just rest right? Alas, my key is with a colleague who is still hanging out at the beach. I didn't want to spoil his fun so I stuck on until my patience exploded and I just yelled out loud by the poolside. I guess that was the highlight of the first night.

Next morning I woke up early in time for the breakfast. I always look forward to breakfast because I really like ham, sausages and whatever hotels usually serve. Before long, it was time for games at the beach. It started with a weird game to drag our butts across the sand. Some ended with damaged shorts. Then it came to lining up team members to come up with the longest chain on the sand with clothing and people. This is so unfair to participants because it basically challenges your genetics and roll of the dice to see if you have tall team members or not. We cannot expect everyone to just strip their clothes to extend the chain. Those who do are photographed and heckled. I too am guilty of laughing but is this what the committee members wanted? Is this kind of memory the kind you want people to bring back? Next came with a physical challenge. I was confident but some of our team mates fumbled so I was simmering pretty badly already. Lastly, it was a homage to Running Man games where you have to spin on the spot and run to the beach. It was funny but it was competitive and having other teams rubbing it on my face is pretty hard to bear as well. Not to mention some teams have additional members that do not need to participate and they think they have the right to just disturb the others.

Proceeded to have lunch and we were shown the latest points for the teams. We fell from first to forth or fifth. The reversal was pretty incredible. I drowned my disappointments with food and some idle chatter. Finally it is time for indoor games and we are told to finish station games. Most of them went without a hitch but we were hit with another memory game. Suddenly it became individual memory challenge. Weaker members are stressed. I personally was miffed but of course I can't voice it out. Some just do not have good memory. It call came to luck again. Is this how the games are supposed to turn out? Furthermore there isn't any chance of a turnaround. Teams who complete all station games are entitled to the EXACT same amount of points. Even though we finished the memory game on our last try, I wasn't really happy. I knew it was pointless. There was animosity among teams as well because the memory game took place in the same room and another team is reciting their challenge as we struggle to learn ours. Then we returned the favour. Is this really team building?

Everything ended and it was free time again. Decided to gather and chill in one of our rooms until dinner. During dinner, the prize giving ceremony is up and my team got fourth. Wasn't happy but nothing I can do about it. The bomb came when they announced the committee members will get a cheque worth RM50000. I heard it as 15, so I actually thought it was real. Because if you split it up among the members, the amount is similar to a bonus. Ended the speech by asking others to volunteer if we want the money. I was a committee last year and all I got was RM50. How would you feel? Luckily one of them said it was a joke when I asked but it was a bad joke. After dinner, needless to say it was drinking time again. Only this time, I decided against it. I wasn't too sure of my condition but one thing I am sure of is that the drinks will flow and if I could not keep up, the heckling would be much more intense. I could get away on the first day but I don't think I could, now that it is a new day and all. So I jumped at the chance to play cards with colleagues for the next 2-3 hours. I only went to the drinking area when everyone is wrapping up things. Grabbed some beer, surprised that I could down them easily today, and spent some time chatting before going back to sleep. I knew I missed a lot of things, but the feeling of left out is better than being teased in front of everyone. I know I have a big ego and I like to keep my reputation but it is a sad thing that the team is actually separated into good drinkers and bad/non-drinkers. Again may I ask, is this really team building?

The next morning it was breakfast again and needless to say, I was happy about it. Next plan was to go round the island on a motorbike. But because we have more passengers than drivers, some of them preferred bicycling while some preferred to just chill at the pool. I was one of the drivers because it is out of necessity, else I would not agree to a passenger. I was pretty annoyed when the first person hug my waist while riding a motorcycle was a married lady with a child. My stupid dream of ferrying my future partner just went up in flames before I could even say anything. I just concentrated on the journey and even though the group separated into two, I think both enjoyed it. I would like to drive again given the chance, only this time, preferably alone. There are some amazing sights along the way. We are supposed to pack up, check out and wait for our transport while having lunch. The journey back was uneventful but when we arrived back at the office, a monsoon storm hit and everyone was wet. Had dinner with some colleagues at the office area but it was pretty awkward because the people at my table weren't that close to each other. I just wanted to eat and go back home.

In the short span of 3 days and 2 nights I learnt a lot about myself and others. I have to say that I am indeed a 'special needs' person. I am not like the rest, and I have to understand that and make decisions based on that. If I keep on bending backwards to keep myself in the circle, I will break my back sooner or later. And it wouldn't be fun for anyone. Regarding the games, well perhaps we can learn from the complaints and do something new. For every winner there is a loser, can we make it win-win or at least to lose out in a fun way? The bloody memory game for example. They could have made it a team effort if we are allowed to act out the words to help. This competitiveness is not only in me, it is in quite a few others. And the fact that towards the end the committee had to make another speech to clarify the 50k cheque means I am not alone in misunderstanding the joke. Obviously something is fundamentally wrong already. Maybe we can have a food hunt trip next year. I mean spending time leisurely with each other and exploring with each other is much more enjoyable. Set 8 foods you have to eat and take a picture of doing so. Make the best group pose at a historical landmark and win or something. But I could almost predict that the committee members will say 'Why don't you join the committee next year?' God I hate those words so much. I guess it is real that if I want something done well, I need to do it myself.

Sometimes dreams do come true.

It has been more than half a year since I last blogged something. Many things have happened. New friendships were made and old ones lost. I did my first overseas marathon and flew to Europe for the first time in a separate trip. Many people I know got married and those who were already married delivered their first child. But some things remain the same. However, this blog post is not dedicated to myself but to someone I truly feel like my hero.

Today a team of gamers won a total amount of 6.6 million USD. I was there watching and rooting for the eventual winners. I am not really a fan of the team but I am a fan of one of the players. His name is Clinton Loomis, or better known as Fear in the Dota 2 community. I do not dare say that I relate to him on the skill level but more on his background story.

He faced financial responsibilities...

..and pressure from his family

His financial situation is so dire that he did not even have a good computer to play on.

He is also one of the oldest players in the professional scene. Usually games that require quick reflexes and precise clicking are not kind to 'old' players.

But he persevered. He made a difficult choice. He got pretty famous when he lead Online Kingdom to a some phenomenal games in the first big tournament that guarantees a prize money of over a million USD to the winners.

Unfortunately, his team did not win. That was 5 years ago. Now, not only can he afford a better monitor, his name is immortalized as a member of the team that defeated the world of Dota 2. 

5 years ago is the same time I started working. 5 years ago is the time I made my decision to pursue the life of an office worker. I put my gaming mouse aside. But it has never once left my sight. I still keep some items for old times' sake. I still play now and then but never the same level ever again. Especially now with my hand injury. But he, he did what I could not. Numerous factors aside, the most important thing is he did not give up on his dream. And it came true. Even though it took a while, even though it was difficult, it came true. I was actually happy that he won. And through his victory I felt inspired too. 

I feel that sometimes...sometimes dreams do come true.

Hello 2015!

This post is long overdue. I was thinking of writing again after the Cyberjaya Marathon but I was too excited about returning home. After 3 months, I get to see my parents and savour the good food of my hometown, Ipoh, once more. Just a brief summary of what transpired at my last marathon of 2014, I could not break my Penang timing. In fact, I got slower. I blame the hills as well as an upset stomach. This is the first time I have such severe stomach ache that I went to the toilet twice during the run and twice afterwards. Maybe it is due to the orange-flavored gel that I took before I start. Truly a horrible experience. I can only apologize to any runners who entered the same toilet afterwards. Yes, I was running without much cleaning too. Sounds disgusting but there is nothing I can do about it. Thankfully I did not get any infection or inflammation.

After the rest, I still have a few more days till the new year. I think long and hard on what happened, why it happened and what I want to do in 2015. First of all, I decided to drop the Gold Coast marathon due to financial constraints. Even though I took up freelance writing, there is no way I could fund 3 overseas trips without burning my savings. Therefore I decided to only go Hong Kong and Nepal. After much calculation, I am still running short because Nepal is not cheap. And the price of everything is increasing. Gym, education loan repayment and most definitely living costs due to GST. I cannot drop gym nor do I want to relocate to a cheaper room. So, the only thing I can do is cut food. Previously I tend to consume 2 plates during lunch but after the return to Ipoh somehow I can stay full even with one. Maybe it is temporary because I ate a lot and I am just burning my reserves but if I can cut around RM5 per day, that is 150 a month. I can only hope my increment would be substantial but most likely it will hover around RM200. I already cut out movies, outings and a lot of stuff and I am really running out of ideas.

By cutting out food I hope that I can finally have a cool body figure. Before I started running my abs disappeared as I concentrated on strength training. Now they returned but I look pretty strange right now because my muscles are uneven. Maybe it will continue since I am still exercising my upper body and back but with more definition. Unfortunately, with the decrease in food, I might get irritated much more easily now. As if I am not sensitive enough already. Throughout the year it was a roller coaster of emotions for both me and the people around me. I think I improved a lot and running definitely helped but I still lose my composure when the event is truly retarded. I realized I really have a mental issue when I feel better due to the pain of running. Most likely subconsciously I treat it the same as cutting myself. It is as if all the hidden anger are channelled out through the pain. I feel as though I finally exhaled. I know this is really bad and I remember there is even an article that says we should not treat running as therapy and get the underlying issues fixed properly. Perhaps I should really see a shrink?

For 2015 I have several resolutions. First and foremost I really want to break the 4 hour mark for a full marathon. I am excited to try out a new training plan after the Hong Kong marathon. I read about the 'killer week' concept and it involves increasing your weekly mileage by 30% or more only for that week. Hopefully I will not end up with an injury. Maybe my weight loss will contribute to this goal as well. Secondly, I want to finish a 100km ultra marathon. I have my eyes on the Penang Ultra and the 16(?) hour cut-off time seems pretty possible. Well, I will not know until I attempt it. My third resolution, I will start seeing the world. If the Nepal trip fails, that means I have around 5K to spend and I will definitely use it to travel to Korea. I don't really have anything else I want to achieve though. Maybe learn Korean, learn to sing or to dance. But those seem highly unlikely. I am really curious about what will happen in 2015. Work might get more interesting. I foresee my social life will remain non-existent. In an ironic twist, I am actually thankful I do not have a girlfriend or a 'life' right now. I seriously could not afford it. Hope one day I can stop saying that.

A full year 2014 part 2 : Miracles

I have a feeling more posts with a similar title will pop up every week. So here I am, deciding against playing computer games to rejuvenate my soul and writing skills instead. Usually I am pretty lazy on a Saturday considering I woke up early for my run and finished quite a number of chores. Quite recently I was disappointed after I found out one of the girls I had my eyes on since annual dinner is actually married. It came as a big surprise because she sure as hell do not look like a married woman. Well, a good woman would already be taken is what I always say. What's left are those who rejects a relationship or, if I may be brutally honest, not a good wife material. I am not saying I am without faults myself but think about it. If we really are awesome, we would be cuddling our significant other rather than me writing this or you reading this.

So I was thinking that there are no miracles in this world. Most things can be explained and is a direct or indirect consequence of a decision or action taken in the past. I never stood a chance, no matter what I do at this point. After a day of depression I thought why not try to think things the other way around and see how many of them would pop up. So this will be the topic for today I suppose. Let me try recounting the miracles that happened in my life so far.

The biggest point would be me still alive today. I have encountered life-threatening accidents for at least 4 times now. I almost drowned and I had several accidents involving motorcycles. Furthermore, there were news reports of freak accidents around the world. So I guess you could say it is a miracle that I am still healthy, with all my limbs intact without deformities. I am thankful for that. Of course part of health is due to exercise but what I meant would be terminal illnesses that just sprout for no good reason. The visible scars on my hands and my legs are very potent reminders of what happened last year. It is truly a miracle that I escaped that without broken bones or internal injuries. The external injuries are definitely horrible but I am looking at the worst case scenario. I could have died because the good samaritan that sent me to the clinic said I flew and my helmet got flung off.

I guess I can say it is a miracle that I landed on a good working environment right now. Things could have gone wrong at so many instances, I can only consider myself lucky. The arrangement right now could definitely improve but it is far from bad. I could have been transferred to another team. Twice. Met some good people and some not so good people but somehow I think they are helping me grow to be a better person. My infamous temper flared several times but it is already a big improvement if you compare with me from 5 years back. Previously I lamented on how the old me would have laughed at the current me for being such a weakling with no backbone. But sometimes being so direct and stubborn is not the best approach. In the end, our purpose is to live in the best way possible right? I guess I can only say I have gotten more practical. I am still a rebel every now and then but not as aggressive. And the people here are actually more open to opinions. I really like the way my foreign colleagues work and communicate. Totally different and much more effective.

There are no miracles in social connections or my non-existent love life though. I made some new non-office friends this year due to my participation in running but it may simply be an acquaintance. Without a car, my transportation options are severely limited. The people I meet usually already have their own established circle of friends so I don't really fit in either. After all, I am not from around here. Maybe the reason why I take friendship so seriously is because I have none. Each one is as precious as it could be and I guess the other party just do not think so highly of it. Can't really blame them. Still disappointing and angry though. About love, I realized I had not loved anybody I know since I started working. Korean bias does not count. Maybe I set my standards too high? Or simply because everyone has been taken? Well office relationships can be quite messy anyway. I don't really go socialize nor do I join any social clubs so I guess I had it coming? That's why it is called a miracle if I ever found one.

A full year 2014 part 1

Wanted to delay the post but I guess I should not since I have already forgotten more than half of what I intended to say. Before I wrote this I was checking my older posts and I saw a weird post more than a year ago. It was about a letter to someone after I died. I have written it for fun after reading about it somewhere. It was not addressed to my parents but to the one I love. I was scratching my head but as I read on, I remembered who was it for. Funnily though, about a year later, news broke out that the person I liked was attached to someone a few years her junior. Yes, HER. I am not gay. It is pretty fun to actually wonder what was I thinking about when I was writing some of the posts a long time ago. I cringe reading some of it but I enjoyed it. It shows how much I have changed. For better or for worst I have changed.

Though I fear the change is more internally than externally. A week ago I attended the wedding dinner of a good friend and I hitched a ride with someone I have not seen for several years. He was in the car with his wife. But I was surprised when I saw their young one strapped to the backseat. So here I am in a 2 hour long trip, sitting side by side with a 2 and a half years old kid. I was petrified. I am the kind that run conversations in my head prior to appointments to mentally prepare myself but how am I supposed to handle a kid who calls me uncle and asks me to look at cars and sign boards? What was I supposed to do?  I was expecting some long conversations with my friend. To keep things short, the trip was pretty uneventful, the kid was very well behaved and it was entertaining watching his antics. But one thing stuck in my mind. I am still socially inept.

I did not stutter when I met the other friends at the wedding hall. I look at their eyes and chatted away like we just met 2 weeks ago. I answered everything and asked back. I could hold my ground now. But I should have been able to do that 5 years ago when it matters the most back in the university. Not now. And I figured I could do all that confidently is because I am mentally prepared. Like people before a speech. However, I should not have to do all that. I should be able to talk naturally to anybody at anytime without overthinking, without preparing topics. My mind should be quick enough to act on the fly. My confidence should be high enough that I see myself as peer with the people I am talking to. Even if he/she is the president, I should be able to confidently speak, politely and properly, perhaps even pull off a joke. But I could not.

A few days ago I attended my company's wedding dinner. It was a very grand event, with everyone dressed up nicely. And that is where everything went to hell for me. The same as last year I felt inferior. Out of place. So inferior I wanted to escape. The women are all so elegant and charming. The dapper gentlemen of my company, with their coat and blazer all looked so immaculate. I came with my sport shoes and just a simple long sleeved shirt. I might have been a bit stingy about it but buying leather shoes and dressing up just once a year is not worth it. And so, what is the definition of worth? Will I be thinking about it if I have money to get all those? Perhaps not. But wait a minute. Some people went there dressed in t-shirt and jeans. And they are not affected one bit. They chatted away, taking pictures like they belong there. How are they so sure, so confident of themselves? How are they so strong?

Maybe the reason why I strive so hard to perform at work or at play is to cover my inferiority complex. To gain confidence. To be sure of myself. I need to make up for it. I want to feel good about myself. I want to stand as a peer to everyone else. I want to think that even though I do not have wealth, I have something else. But I am not very successful with it. During the annual dinner, some of the girls caught my eye, one of them knocked me breathless. But what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Why not? I am too unsure of myself to approach her. But will I ever be ready? Most of you will answer with a deafening no. Nothing can prepare you for a relationship. Every person is unpredictable and love is an adventure. And it irritates me that some people I know rejects a relationship due to trauma of the past. You had a choice, can't you even think twice? Someone to love me, is only something I could imagine.

If we are meant to be together, we will be together. Cowardly words. And I used to hold on to it so strongly in the past. Excuses, nothing more. Maybe one day I will encounter someone that will force me to get out of the comfort zone. Someone so important to me that I must step up and fight for her. Hopefully, someone that will be my future wife.

Finished Penang marathon. What's next?

It took me a long time to create this post, mainly because I am quite busy recently. The contents were drafted out in my brain since last week but as things continue to happen, it changed. For better or for worst, I could not say but most of it is self-realization. To start things off, let me summarize the Penang marathon trip. Overall it was good because the I get to experience many new things and visit some places that I would not have gone otherwise. I am not the kind who likes to go sight-seeing with streets full of other sweating and equally lost tourists. The results were great even though I thought it would have been a miracle if I managed to maintain my previous performance. I could not sleep properly the night before and I was exhausted towards the end. I was walking for a long duration but apparently the pacer I was following ran so far ahead that we could afford to walk.

As usual, the teasing as well as the various attitudes displayed by other members of the trip are quite annoying . I am sure I was a dick at some point but there were no arguments. Some of them are quite patient with me too and I really appreciate that. When we got back to KL, something weird happened in the following week. I was questioning myself and my dedication to running marathons. Looking at the upcoming Cyberjaya marathon I felt it was endless and pointless. It was taking so much of my time, so much financial resources and the training is so difficult. Other than my family, others are not as supportive. Like always, I figured I am not really disappointed with the words but with the people who teased. I am frustrated wondering why do they do it? I was stuck wondering how far the path is, how much more do I have to sacrifice and most importantly, is it worth it?

I do not really remember what happened next but before I know it I was running my usual Saturday morning long run. I wanted to take it easy and just see how it goes. Before I know it, my legs took off and it was almost race pace. I figured I enjoy running but do I really want to chase after the fast ones? While cooling off I chatted with 2 veteran runners around my area. We know each other but just as acquaintances. But one of them told me his best time and another asked me to tag along for Cyberjaya. Things look pretty good now. I have a goal and I do not need to beg for transport. Perhaps this time I can run at my best? With that eureka moment, I finally understood that I was still quite hung up on the Penang marathon. All my training may not mean anything due to outside factors. Now that I could minimize it, maybe, just maybe I could go all the way.

Now, my training is back on track. In fact, I upped the ante again. Hill is 6,8,10 degrees at speed of 8 with 10 minutes on each incline except for 10, that is on best effort basis. Speedwork is replaced with tempo runs because I figured it is dangerous to do it on a treadmill. Those two will be morning whereas evening, it will be 8k at a comfortable pace. Saturday is limited to 21k so I do not drive myself insane running alone for 90 laps. Sunday is a short recovery of 5-8k. Basically it should come up to 80k a week but I will remain flexible and stop pushing myself so hard. I still do strength training for upper body and core. This time around, I am including squats and deadlifts as a staple. I will strengthen my lower back, my glutes and my quads. Running helps to train your stamina and overall fitness but it does not do much about your strength in the short term. Maybe I could supercharge my development. I think I am good, but can always be better right?

I still have plenty to write but those are for another post. This is it for Penang! Personal thoughts and recent developments in the next one. Maybe I will write it after dinner. Maybe I will write it after my next marathon. Maybe I will not write at all. I stopped depending on this blog for support a long time ago. Now, I only write because I want to share my experiences and thoughts. And in a funny twist of fate, I do not need to change the title of my blog to reflect what I am doing nowadays.

The road to PBIM

Today marks the last day of post-SCKLM honeymoon period. It was a fun week where I did not have to run twice a day, I get to eat almost anything and everything I wanted and I slept a lot. It is time for me to record down my training plan for the next big marathon which is Penang Bridge International Marathon (PBIM). The reason why I make it a blog post is so that everyone knows about it and because I care so much about how others think about me, I will be negatively driven to follow everything. That was a joke. I just want to make some clear decisions and what better way than to write them all out here.

But first, I want to address something I faced during the past week. I am sure a lot of you could not comprehend why I am so serious about things. Most of you have heard me saying that if I do things, I will do it well or I will not do it at all. That is just part of the story. I think when we do something, we have to get back something out of it. It has to matter to our future, to our health or whatever it is that you prioritize. I am a man that almost died 5 times. To me, time is a privilege that one cannot afford to waste. If I die tomorrow, will I amount to anything? 5 years ago, honestly no. Now, at least someone can read out my eulogy and say that I ran marathons, I supported my family and perhaps a good colleague. I am still working on the social life part. I just feel that if you put time and effort into an activity, at least get good at it. Even at games.

Back to training plans. Previously I managed to run around 70-80km a week with some hill and speed work tossed inside. I do not stick too closely to running theory so I do not do fartlek or tempo runs or other stuff that sounds cool. Not even interval runs. More than half of the mileage is done at the treadmill. I run twice a day; once in the morning before work and once in the evening after work. This time around I am not sure if I can increase the weekly distance to 90km. Maybe it is not required. I am thinking of keeping the original distance but increasing the quality of training. I am sure my legs are able to take on the challenge but this time I might just try listening more and see if I could gain more from my training. By listening, I meant my body signals. I used to just soldier on and run some crappy 10k just to reach the target. No more.

If I run, I run proper, I run strong. If I feel tired then I will reduce the distance or even settle for cycling which is much more fun. Of course I am afraid of being too lenient with myself but heck, this is just my first year of marathons, give me a break. Cycling might not be all bad. People call it cross-training or active recovery. Hill work will not be simply increasing/decreasing the incline every minute anymore. If there is one thing I learnt from all the runs is that each hill lasts more than a minute. More than 5 minutes. Therefore I will run slow, constant incline for 30 minutes. Let's see how it goes. Even though PBIM should not have any hills since it is a freaking bridge after all but hill training is generally good for all kinds of running.

For speed training, I will stick to 5k sessions on the treadmill. Maybe I will finally run a sub-25 this time around. Most of the time, the problem is that my body starts slow. Unless I have some distance beforehand, it is quite hard for my body to maintain high speed for a long duration of time. You can call it momentum. I am still not too sure if this will be a problem in the future. Negative splits are pretty common. That is running lingo for better timing in the second half. However, I am also considering on cutting down on speed training due to the strain to my body. Most of the time I am wasted after the run and I worry it might affect the rest of my day. Yes, I am doing this in the morning because I am pretty out of it by evening after work.

Usually after work I just stretch a bit and run a 10k casually. The problem is not completing it, the problem is waiting for time to pass. If I switch things up a bit by increasing the speed, I get very tired and I think it is not a good idea to really clear your reserves. However, if I never push a faster 10k, when will I be able to run faster for a longer period of time? I guess I will let my body tell me what to do when the time comes. So generally I can manage >10k a day on weekdays except Friday when I rest, a LSD on Saturday and then a short one on Sunday depending on the distance done the day before. If I do 15k a day, that is already 60k on weekdays alone. Have to see how it goes. This is also part of the fun.

Roughly a month later, we will know the results. I hope I can still improve on my time. It will still be a long way to go before I am chasing to shave a few seconds off my best timing. I think I still have room to do whatever I want. Some people blame age, some people blame a bad knee for slow timing. So I will abuse my healthy knee and my youth to establish a good running core and see how far I can take my running career. At the very least I should be beating people double my age. Some veteran uncles are not even running with shoes and here I am complaining about lack of cushioning. I feel like a spoiled brat. There is no pride or honor in defeating someone by waiting for them to grow old. I will improve as fast as I can and then I can stand tall with all of you on the battlefield. And maybe, just maybe, finally have some free photos of myself running. I am not famous enough for people to take pictures and share on Facebook. 'Famous' is a snobbish word, screw that. Let's just say I have not been acknowledged yet.

The pain got better

It has been a while since my last post. Many things happened. In fact things happen on a daily basis but I stopped blogging daily in order to avoid dwelling on too many things. It is a bittersweet relationship with my blog. It is my best friend who listens to everything I say but it is also one that does not reply. The good, the bad, the things I regret, the things I cherish. There is no one in this world that knows everything except myself. You cannot blame me for feeling so lonely most of the time. But I am not sure if anyone can possibly take in all of me. I admit I am not so likeable at times. At least nobody ever complimented me for being friendly.

Anyway, yesterday marks my third completed full marathon and I broke my personal record by over 20 minutes which is great. I entered the run hoping that I will improve but I did not set a goal time because a new course is always unpredictable. Furthermore it was only my third marathon, so I just wanted to leave some space for me to enjoy the race instead. Many things could go wrong like a bad cramp, an upset stomach, or worst, a leg injury. It was pretty sad to see runners who have to walk towards the end due to cramps. They were stretching beside the road with a very disappointed expression. Imagine yourself preparing for a few months only to end up missing your goal due to a cramp.

The soreness the day after is not that bad either so I suppose it is a good sign that my body is getting stronger and fitter. My left knee still hurts but it subsided after a nights rest and sitting at the office whole day. Most likely I can resume my training soon. How can I sit still knowing that I am still far from the realm of the gods? I told myself during the run that one day I shall be the one looking back at the crowd instead of me staring in amazement at the speed and determination of faster runners. Or perhaps I am more curious as to how it is like to be able to run that fast? Some things are not worth doing if you are not going to do it right. I take the saying to heart and I seldom participate in sports or events unless I am willing to venture everything and try my best. Some people get intimidated, but I think this is a good way to live for now.

I am actually quite blessed to have so much freedom to indulge in things. On the other hand, basically it means I have no life, like what someone said to me not too long ago. I still relive the conversation and the conclusion is painful but correct. I do not have an active social life at all. I have nothing beyond running or going to gym. But since I have nothing, at least I am not doing nothing or spending time in stuff that are generally not useful like games. I still play computer games to have some fun but that is generally during the weekends. No, I do not go out. And I do not have a car either. I am poor, bite me. I hope amidst this 'lifelessness' period of mine that I shall find a life. In the meantime, I will just do my best. Maybe, running will be my life.

I made new friends, I get to visit some interesting locales and I get to be healthier. And I can only see that in the near future I will make more friends and visit more places. After all, I did book a flight to Hong Kong next year which I wouldn't go otherwise. It will most definitely be a memorable experience. A year ago I could not even imagine myself running 42km. Now, I am running the distance in less than 5 hours. Perhaps in the future I will be able to run faster or further. There is now a goal, or at least something to work towards. Even though it is lonely, I can fill the void for now. For now, the pain got better.

Thoughts on team building

I have just returned from a company team building session at Langkawi and I think it is about time I start complaining again. Surprisingly the gripe this time around is not centred on the events or the games we are forced to play but what I learnt about my colleagues at work as well as myself. I totally understand why people would say that 'ignorance is bliss'. My opinions on them will never be the same again and I have to make adjustments on how I deal with them in the future. Why do I want to waste so much effort? I do not want to get annoyed and  it is impossible for me to ignore the things I have seen or heard. If you already know the road has a big hole, you will most definitely try to position your car out of the way in advance right? Same thing for me.

I think most of you know I have issues working with people I do not respect or worst, those that I deem not suitable for the job. But at least, if the person is trying his or her best I would still appreciate that. I cannot stand someone that takes things as a game or puts self above the job. And lastly, I would prefer the person to complain about the job a bit less. You accepted the role, now do it properly. You already know it is going to be tiring, you are going to be running around, and various people will pester you. You being tired or the food is not to your liking is your own issue and you should deal with it better. We are all tired. We are all eating the same food. Not our fault you are very choosy and you could not find something to eat at a freaking buffet. Think about that for a minute. A buffet.

I might sound like I am severely prejudiced against the said person but I guess I am. How dare you to actually claim that the food is not suitable for human consumption. Do you even think with your head? Just because you want to clear off all the props does not mean you can wipe it off at the losing teams. Can't you give something like certificates of participation instead? You have the losing teams march onto the stage to accept a beach ball which in the end becomes the 'Ball of Shame'. Lastly, the prize money for the winning team is so much. The points calculation were so questionable that finding out the amount of money won amplified the feelings of anger and disappointment. Many people really put in a lot of effort to complete all the games that day. Some got injured, some got sick, and you are just going to smile and say 'too bad?', I will wipe the floor with your face.

The prize money would have covered all my expenses coming to the team building event. The prize money would have allowed me to buy things for my friends or my family. The prize money would have been the difference between me going home with a bottle of whisky for my father or nothing at all. Some of us came back from the team building still bitter or perhaps even regret for not trying hard enough. Should we blame ourselves or blame the game masters that provided questionable results? Sure, it is just a game. But when money is involved, it is not anymore for me. I would rate the team building as a failure. I understand it is very hard to have everyone going back home with a smile. I guess next time I should just make sure I do not repeat the same mistake if at all possible. Most probably I will only fully comprehend the difficulty of the task when I am in the hot seat.

One more funny thing, during the beginning of the team building session, we were asked to present a question to the person next to me and I actually got the following question 'What is the best present you have received on your birthday? It hit me like a freight truck on fire. Since I am an adult, I have not gotten any presents for my birthday. My family is only as rich as I am and my other friends just wish me through Facebook. I have never gotten anything memorable recently. I guess I really do not have anyone that matters in my life. Maybe it is due to me never giving any presents to people on their birthday either? But it is not like they celebrate their birthday with me. I do not matter to them as much as they do not matter to me. 

Oh yeah, I also dislike how people really go crazy just for free beer. Why are you killing yourself with a smile? Why do you people make fun of people who do not want to drink? Can't we just have fun without drinking? Must we drink so that you will stop? Why are you causing trouble for everyone else? I was so pissed. They should also put all the beer drinkers in a room so that they will not cause a disturbance to those who want to rest early. All of us are tired. We do not need someone banging on the door and raising their voice, waking up everyone. Just because you are not waking up early, does not mean everyone else is not. Stop being so selfish and try to be more considerate for a change. Things will not change in the near future. I will have to live with it. I think I am going to stop now, I am getting sick of writing any more. Have a good weekend everyone. 

What I meant was...

While waiting for my housemate to stop hogging both the washing machine and the bathroom, decided to write something. Recently a lot of things have been happening. I guess this is the correct way to live, at least to my own personal definition. A few days ago I posted a video of myself doing the ALS ice bucket challenge. I read about ALS and it is pretty scary. I mean look at Stephen Hawking and imagine yourself in that situation for the next 30 years, if you are lucky. Else you die as a horrible shadow of your former self, unable to talk, unable to move, unable to live. And nobody is immune, nor is it limited to only those with family history. Is this condition an effect of karma or simply fate? Nobody knows. Anyway I donated a small sum and if you are interested to watch it, I have set it to public on Youtube. Good luck finding it.

So the main topic is about a a status update I posted on Facebook a few days ago about loneliness. In the most literal sense we are never alone. We are only alone if we make it that way. If we shut ourselves away from others or push them out. But what I meant was I do not have anybody that 'gets' me. As in to think in the same spectrum or brainwave or any bombastic term you can muster. Do you have a friend that agrees with your choices? Are they really in the same mindset or are they only going with the flow? Or worst, are they suppressing their needs to please you? No matter what, you as a friend, should appreciate their companionship and try not to be too selfish or lead them into traps. Traps as in horrible offers or bad choices in which you drag them along.

I hate those people. And I admit, I am suppressing myself at work. Or when I am out with a certain group of friends. Back in the university I do not give a damn about what the others think and look at how it turned out for me? Finding the balance is one tough challenge and I am jealous with people who have best friends. I guess both sides have to put in much effort to make things work. Speaking of work, I am having a bad time abiding with the lunch choices. I am trying very hard to slim down and oftentimes I am so hungry I get very cranky and I get colleagues who dive in without caring for their health or weather. I speak of weather because everyone gets smelly and sweaty walking that far for food that is not worth the effort. Vegetarian food is only healthy when it is properly cooked and prepared. We get deep-fried flour and thick syrup gravy.

I sincerely have no idea how I am going to have a kid of my own when I could not stand the childish antics of my colleagues. Why are we even coordinating our outfits or only going for outings when everyone is available? In the end, nothing gets done. I am unable to comprehend the way they talk as well. The insults are ridiculous and the refusal to admit they are wrong is very astounding. This is on a more personal level but I honestly am impatient with bad speakers. I am not a good speaker myself but at least I am able to get my point across. You can wipe your middle finger in my face but this is what I feel. The daily test of patience sometimes gets the better of me but somehow nothing regrettable has happened yet. To those who I really cannot stand, I try to make it clear that I do not appreciate their companionship.

 How much can you tolerate for a friend? Can just anybody be your friend? Are you positive or open-minded enough to just accept everybody? No matter how offensive they are? Even if they insult your principles or step on your code of conduct? No, you try to draw a line between you and them. You try to keep it professional. No bridges will be burnt. If they still do not get it, you avoid them like the plague. What is the point then? You keep people close, they hurt you. You keep them far, you feel alone. Basically is the problem on myself? I see people sharing something like 'When you apologize first, you value friendship more than your ego'. In my opinion, you are basically letting them a free pass to do the same thing again. I think you got to let them know it is wrong. And being an adult, hopefully they will be considerate and come to an agreement. Remember what you read 2 minutes ago? The problem is they are not capable of thinking like an adult.

Harsh words? I prefer to say honest words. You have no idea how much I have pent up inside of me all this while. One after another, from every workplace there will be people who rub you the wrong way. How do you handle all the insanity? You just go with the flow and swallow everything, good or bad? Are you sure that is the best thing to do? But I guess perhaps you have bigger issues to deal with. Maybe the reason why I am so pissed off with probably just a petty thing is because life is good? Whatever problem that you are staring at tends to be the largest one. So if I do not have anything else to rant about I guess this is it? Maybe I just learned to live with the other problems. You can never have enough money, a girl friend is still pretty much impossible. Oh yeah, there are still people talking shit about my hair and about me being gay. Leave me alone!

Marathon and a hair cut

Most of you would be more interested in the second part of the title but be prepared to be disappointed as I myself could not bear to take a selfie. I need more time. My hair has been with me since university days. It is an understatement if you think people are merely surprised by the change. I admit I have been pretty stubborn about it in the past but I have decided to take action this time around. I will rant about it after I talk about happy stuff. Last weekend, I finally completed my first full marathon at Langkawi. I have never been to Langkawi so things turn out pretty good I would say. No, I did not have sex on the beach. And no, you are not the first to ask. Yes, I am pretty annoyed with the question.

Pricks aside, it was really fun and eye-opening. The run was far more challenging than I have imagined. The most I have run during practice was 32km and I was so wrong to think that another 10km would not be that bad. The course itself is very hilly but I have always been running on a hilly track, just not as steep. Something to add into my training plan for the next marathon which is rumoured to be worst. The weather was pretty comfortable though. However, I lost an earbud for my headphones during the run so that is a major bummer. I already have experience with stopping at water stations and eating power gels during Johor's half marathon so it is not something new this time around. However, coconuts being served is certainly very new!

My joy of finishing was dampened when I saw my timing though. I am still happy for sure but mostly just because the ordeal is over. I guess I am so over-confident that I thought finishing is a certainty. Of course it is a pretty good 5:20 especially for a beginner but I have read articles about people finishing below 5 for their first marathon. Maybe the running course is different. But I refuse to accept that excuse. I am just not that good yet. I guess a part of me agreed that thinking like that is the best to keep myself grounded and to aim for a better finishing time in the upcoming marathons. Cool to see those that finish earlier than me did not have all those cool and expensive running gear except for a nice shoe or proper compression shorts. I have nothing against people who require running gear just that I have a personal vendetta towards rich people. Call it jealousy.

About my hair, I was seriously considering it during my journey back from Langkawi. I wonder if I am still under the influence of the adrenaline. I guess enough is enough. Throughout the years I have taken so much unwanted comments about my hairstyle that I have lost count. From being labelled as gay or pretty (in a very negative way I assure you) to being told that it is the cause I am still single. Of course I did not blow up in your face when you say those things. I even laughed at your jokes. But just because I laugh it off, does not mean it is not taken as an insult. Just because I have heard it over a thousand times, it does not make it any less offensive. In fact it might feel worst. Try to remember the last time you are forced to laugh an insult off just because you are socially obligated to present yourself as a creature with a good sense of humour and high EQ.

Bitterness aside, I really did not have a good reason not to cut my hair. I was using my hair as a conversation topic and to take away the attention from my face. So much time has passed since I last saw my face with short hair. Never try never know right? I am not one to shy away from a challenge, especially not one as trivial as this. I have lived with insults from the days of being overweight to being called a sissy or gay, it could not get any worst right? However, it was not any better either. The comments died down after a while thankfully. I am still reaching to untie my hair every time I want to take a bath or go to sleep. Hopefully things will get better. If not, at least I will have something to say to the same people when I want to grow out my hair again. I will be keeping it short for a while.

In the end, all my rants can be rendered moot simply by acknowledging the fact that my decisions and nothing else brought about everything. My financial situation is not the best, and I could have taken the job offer to work at a financial institution or take up freelancing but I refuse. I am annoyed with people but I could have just ignored them or kept my distance or even try to make new friends elsewhere. I hate comments about my hair but I was the one who decided it might be cool to keep it long, a good change of image. I get jealous when I see people with rich toys or great friends but I am just judging by first impression. Maybe they worked hard for it. But that is just how things are in this world right? People judge easily. They do not play by my rules either. Oh well, such is life.

When will my sun rise?

It is actually quite interesting to have a blog with such a long history because it is like a window to your past. With my memory and imagination I could relive the emotion and the events that drove me to write the post even though it can be painful. Anyway, the reason why I write today is because I am feeling particularly confused and depressed and felt that writing things down will help me reorganize my thoughts. This has nothing to do with my previous post. Surprisingly, or perhaps disappointingly, the news did not hit me as hard as I thought it would. Well it will happen sooner or later, for the both of us. However, I still thinks she deserves better. No, I am not talking about a girlfriend, and honestly though, if you could magically make her mine right this instant, I would say no and ask you to just fly away somewhere.

As you guys may or may not know, I finished another Korean drama today and the bitter feeling is killing me. I guess my life is too empty even though I would hate to admit it. The marathon, the gym, work, everything I spend time in is actually a big diversion from the main problem in my life. I was so absorbed in the romance depicted in the drama that I have absolutely no idea what to do with my evenings once it is finished. The pointless routine to some of you is the highlight of my day as I escape into a world which I have never set foot on. Not even once. How much I would like to hug someone as hard I as can, never to let go, how much I want to run my fingers through my partner's hair, how much I would like to finally love someone so much that I would actually stand in front of a screwdriver. Yes, I am referring to that scene for you people who watched the drama.

Let me ask you something honestly, how many of you would gladly, without even blinking proclaim you can and will die for your partner? You can brush me off as crazy but I would like to love someone that much one day. To love so much that it hurts. I have loved someone before in the past, but I have never asked myself the question while I am still hooked so I guess my opinion now does not count. To be happy just from hearing her voice, talking to her and seeing her smile and laugh. For the first time I am exposed to loveable childishness. I hate people acting cute and childish with a burning passion. But now, I stand corrected. With the proper execution, it is quite charming. For most of you out there, you would think that I am just in love with another stunning Korean actress. For that I can assure you that you are not my friend. Shame on you.

I have never loved someone for their looks. I am attracted of course, but to fall in love, it was never due to appearance. I realized this after the movie Stardust starring Claire Danes. I had a movie crush on her and looked her up on the Internet. However, I lost interest in her real person, just attracted to her character. It is the same with all the girls I have loved. Were they pretty? Not even close to the Korean standard. I hope with this, nobody will tell me to 'lower your expectations' ever again. Why should I lower my expectations of my love? Is it wrong to look for someone that will love you back? It is the same when I moved on from the girls. My heart, my feelings are locked in that period of time. I have no interest in them now. The 'her' that waved me goodbye at the school stairs will always be the one that I loved. The 'her' that stood at the hostel stairs, waiting for me, 'her' that took my hand as we dashed across the road.

Will the one finally come? I have no idea. But unfortunately, I don't think I am ready for a relationship as well. No financial strength. Maybe things will change when she comes. I will make it work somehow. Even though I am still relatively young, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of happiness in life. People I know, they had the chance to date each other for a few years but some just got pregnant not long after marriage. I guess they had enough of dates and felt it was time for a child. I want to experience it all before a child comes along. I want to date her as a man and then as a husband and finally only a father. I believe it will be fun. Am I being dragged along by all the ridiculous Korean dramas? Perhaps I am. This is the only happiness I have, to smile when the character I am rooting for smiles, to live a life I never had, that warm fuzzy feeling you will never get from the people around me. I would be so much happier if one of them can just stop insulting me.

Here I am drowning myself with the soundtrack of the drama as I write this post. It really helps to bring out all that I want to say. I learnt a lot from the drama. 'When your heart doesn't tell the truth, pain gives the answer'. 'Nobody knows what happens after the decision'. 'Giving someone love does not promise happiness in return'. Such simple truths but I never thought about it unless someone just says it in my face. I understand that reality may never work the same way as the dramas depict but I got nothing else to work with right now. And I finally understood why people would want to rewatch entire shows. This is the very reason. You grow fond of the characters, their interaction, their love. I watched it not to find out who was the culprit, I just want to know if she gets the guy in the end. It was so much fun. And just like everything else in this world, it will end. I guess I have written enough for now, the rest I have to sort it out myself this coming weekend at Langkawi. Maybe the marathon will do me some good. Maybe a miracle will happen.

Look at her. Supermodel? No. She depicted a deranged girl next door so perfectly, I wished I had a metal bin ghost to talk to at the mall. I really liked how she wore those torn jeans. Never thought it would be so fashionable. The girls I know only wear skinny jeans which is very boring and unattractive. Well since I am not as good looking or talented or rich as the guy, then I have to build up whatever I have. But seriously, money helps A LOT. Maybe, just maybe, on the day I decide to really earn money, she will come. Right now, I am simply earning as much as I need to survive and provide for my parents. Maybe, if I earn enough for 2 adults, things might be different. Or it may not. Who knows? Nobody knows what happens after the decision :)

Goodbye my Korean bias

I could not think of a better title. Anyway, regular readers and personal contacts should know what is coming so If you can't stand mushy ramblings and Korean idolism, please close this blog. It is as the title says, I am sad after the Korean idol that I love has been announced to be in a relationship. I know it sounds childish, I know it is ridiculous for a grown 28 year old man to be reacting like a 13 year old but if you are not disgusted enough yet, hear me out. She WAS the star that I am shooting for. Sure it is impossible, but because it is impossible, I manage to do impossible things. Things that I would not have done if not because of the inspiration from her. Indeed I am selfish and useless. I used her as an excuse. And that very excuse was strong enough to drive me up here, where I am now.

A few years ago, when Kpop started to explode, I was not affected by the initial wave. No, I am not an early adopter. I did not even know the name of their group. Their music was aired everywhere even in the cybercafe that I frequent. "Gee gee gee gee". I brushed it off as a stupid song. And then more songs came out of the woodwork. "Nobody", "Genie", "Sorry, sorry". I do not know any of them nor did I bother. Seriously if you ask me now, I can even name who is the one singing the particular verse. Yes it is THAT bad. Anyway, surprisingly it all started not from the MV but from a funny video I saw in Youtube. I guess I now know what to thank for my journey thus far. This is the starting point. I never knew pretty celebrities can be so funny. And would dare to be filmed without makeup. I started to get curious. Here it is :

Then I found out who belongs to which group. There was such big contrast between their stage persona and the image they display on the variety show. I was hopelessly hooked. After what seems like hundreds of hours watching related videos on Youtube, I wanted to watch the entire series. And I started digging. While digging, I got to know more of them. And only one really got my eye. Her laughter was so infectious, so real, I yearned for more :

One video leads to another and that's it. Sealed the deal. No one I know laughed like that. She looks kind of plain but I was never one to go for physical appearance. To fans, please do not get offended, I am merely referring to her debut years. She looked like the girl next door who would laugh at your jokes and a joy to be with. She was the best thing that never happened to me. Hurt by the females in the real world, I devoted myself entirely to the illusion that one day we might end up together. Nobody knows what will happen in the future right? It might just will. That line of thought changed everything. Everything became possible. As long as there is a future, as long as both of us are alive. I started to believe. Because I wanted it to happen.

But I am a nobody. I am a loser. I am fat and ugly. No thanks to the girls who earnestly reminded me of the facts. I cannot change my face, but I can do something about being fat. I can do something about being a loser. I can be good at something. I can accomplish something in life. I will accomplish something in life. As her career soared, so did my ambitions. So did my effort to improve myself. I have to increase the chances of it happening, no matter how small. I have to make myself at least presentable. At least someone that will not embarrass anybody when I am walking around. Watching her practice videos, her interview videos recounting her hardship pre-debut, I endured through the pain. If she can do it, why not me? Look at everybody else as well. I have to work harder.

Now I am fit. Now I run half-marathons every weekend 6 in the morning, listening to their songs during the final lap sprint. Smiling to myself. I used them to carry myself over the loneliness of staying alone. It feels like I can do anything, I will be alright, as long as you are still around. It is okay if you feel sad or disgusted by this. I can understand where you are coming from. But this is how I coped with everything. Thanks to my lousy university life, I have almost zero social life. And a huge vendetta against everyone I know. Only through the passage of time, I start to forget. As things got better overall, I did not rely as much but they were a part of my life already. Her and her 8 sisters. I still follow their progress closely, pinning their best pictures religiously in Pinterest and doing all sorts of ridiculous fanboy activities. 

Then the news came. One after another they were revealed to be in a relationship with another person. However, it concerns me not because it was not her. Furthermore, I respect their male counterpart. They were either very manly or very capable. Deep inside, I knew her turn will come. But until that day, I will just continue living as usual. Maybe, just maybe, she will be different? Finally, today, the news broke out. Devastation and frustration ensued. It was someone younger than her. How can this be? You are my goddess. But this is no god. What trickery is this? This is the worst ending for this chapter of my life.

I was ready to let her go. But not to someone like this. Before that, I know what you are thinking. I talk as if I knew her in person and yet I have never even seen her in person. That is true. I do not seek your understanding. This is the honest confession of a weak, weak man. A confession of his weakness and hopefully the beginning of his own path, walking on his own two legs. A part of me knew it was wrong to be so obsessed with someone borderline imaginary. I should be focusing on reality. On the people in front of me. I should stop dreaming already. And that part was hoping for this day to come. And it is now. Today, this fateful day, is the end of my journey with you. You will never know me, but I will remember you for many years to come. You will not be my excuse anymore. You will not be my reason anymore. You will simply be just a happy memory.