You do not change fate, fate changes you. You cannot change reality, reality changes you.
That is the conclusion I came to today. It answered many things. Fate does not dictate how you live. Fate is a destination. What you do there is up to you. For example, fate brought you to Kuala Lumpur. You can return to Ipoh or you can stay and work. So you only adapt. We were given the illusion that we could control our own fate just because we are allowed to make decisions. No, we follow the flow of coincidence and circumstance. We sculpt our life by living within the boundaries of reality. We decide what to eat, who to talk to and where to go but we will eventually arrive at a predetermined location or situation that is the culmination of everything else around us. That is fate. That is reality. Once the situation hits you, you cannot change the situation anymore but just progress from the situation.
My fate? I guess my fate is to stay alone. I still have no idea if I am that annoying or simply not approachable. Many things happened but today is seriously the tipping point. Never have I gotten so emotional since breaking down in the hostel toilet many years ago. All I could think is that this is how it should be. This is unavoidable. One place after another, one group of people after another. There is no mistaking it, I am bound to end up isolated. Everyone walk around in groups, with people, sit together and chat. Eat together. Not for me. I know there is definitely a reason why people are avoiding me but nobody is telling me about it either. So I do not deserve to know what I have been doing wrong either? I have tried many things. I have grown mellow. I try to practice what I preach, become more understanding and patient. Becoming more generous. But all is for naught I guess. I cannot change anything.
I did not accept this. I wanted to fight on. Now I just want to know, if my definition of fate is correct and if it is truly my fate to be alone. Then I will accept it and live my life knowing that it is really how it should be. I have always been bothered by my lack of finances. And I understand people do not care about that. It is my problem to solve. And if I do not cough up the dough, I will be dropped, easy as that. Of course it is done in subtlety. One outing after another, until I can hold on no longer. Same thing with transport and everything else. It is my problem that I can't go long distance or in the rain. It is my problem that I have trouble with a particular someone. I always told myself, perhaps this place is not suitable for me. The thinking of the people itself is different. I am the odd one out. It is not my fate to be here. But is that really so? Is everyone the same? Let's hope not.
I was so emotionally distraught that I could not concentrate on my work after the incident. My thoughts torn asunder by the maelstrom of feelings, I can only engage myself in chatting to keep myself distracted. Somehow I have always been able to maintain proper control when dealing with others. The chaos subsided but has not gone away. Thankfully there is the gym. What would I do without it? My thoughts sorted, it is time to turn the stress to strength. Now my arms are weak but my soul rejuvenated. As I type this blog, my mind winces in pain but it is not hurt by the memories. Complete memories of certain events. Both a bane and a boon.
Well how did you like that? Always wanted to write in a dramatic way. I guess that is all for now. Had fun riding on the creative train to jot down my thoughts and feelings actually. Oh yeah, I will disable the video autoplay thing. I guess forcing it is no good. Hopefully things will pick up again. Have a nice day. Or might as well have a nice month. Nobody wishes another like that before right?
