There is only darkness. My accident finale!

Hopefully this is the final post. I am getting sick of reliving those awful days myself. I chose those words as the title because it was my answer to a question from a friend. I was asked if I ever had anyone in mind during my road to recovery, or is there a motivational figure for me. Well, there is no one. Who can I call 3 in the morning when I was suffering so much that I could not sleep? Who can I call to help me open the toilet door when my palm is still leaking plasma? I am thankful to have friends helping me to buy food but there is nobody who can ease my pain. My parents at Ipoh cannot do anything except try to understand my situation through the phone and give words of encouragement. Who can feed me when I could not hold a spoon properly and food drops out of my swollen lips? In that short amount of time, I found out how my life could be so much worst.

Does that mean I am glad to be alive? Yes, but I am still bitter at being injured. What did other people pay to avoid being injured? What was the price? Could I afford it? Is it as simple as buying a car or it is my fate to be injured either way? During the first night, I could barely sleep. The swelling was so horrible I could not move my fingers without being in pain. I honestly thought I was going to lose my baby finger because it was injured at the joints and it looked horrible. I went through tissue papers as I struggled to keep my wounds clean and sterilized. My thoughts wander about problems I will face when nature calls. I threw them away and concentrate on dealing with things one at a time. With wounds on both my palm and the back of my hands, I have no way of putting them down. There was no correct way to sleep.

I will wake up every other hour while checking my wounds and keeping my thirst or hunger in check. The painkiller is useless. I wish I had alcohol solution or something to numb the pain, at least for me to drink water. Time passed by slowly. I could not concentrate on the drama series I continuously play to keep myself occupied. The pain is constantly reminding me that things are not all right. Why, I started asking. Why me? Why now? If I was late a bit or early a bit things might be different. I would be sleeping now, and the next day will be just another day at the office and the gym. I could not even bring myself to cry. The hatred and anger were overwhelming as I curse silently, thoughts occupying every waking moment. As dawn breaks, I figured I just need to do this a few more nights.

Toilet is a horrible test. Cleaning up is a miracle. I was in a mess. Bloody, smelly and definitely unsightly. As I endured the pain of my wounds on the chin and inner lips, food and water drips through the swelling. I am embarrassed of myself. I could not look at the mirror for long. I admit I was narcissistic but only as motivation for my gym pursuits. And there was nothing I can do about it. None of my knowledge, my strength, my experience could help me. Only time and sustenance. And a whole tanker of patience and faith. Trust in the fact that everything will be alright. If I endure another night I will be closer to full recovery. I will regain everything that I have lost. Things will be back to normal again. I console myself as I see scabs forming. But the road to recovery is indeed long. And sad. The only time I knelt down was when I dropped my last egg, realizing the fact that I am not capable of even holding an egg. Not able to provide for myself. I am useless.

I could not bear to bring myself into the public. I do not know how to deal with the unwanted attention. I could not even eat properly. Nobody understands my situation. Friends joke about it. Asking me to go show how manly I was. It was so disappointing. Like I said, only darkness. I cannot live on others forever so I decided to go get my own food once I could walk properly and my hands can actually hold something. I only carry a single RM10 note knowing food is not that expensive and I could not defend my wallet if someone decides to rob me. My eyes were wary as they met with the stares of others. I tried to make my journey as quick as possible. Sometimes to the extent of reopening wounds. Somehow physical pain is easier to deal with than shame. What kind of lesson in life is this? What can I possibly gain from this? Compassion for the injured and handicapped? A test? What do I gain from scoring an A?

If this is preparation for something or part of a bigger plan, I cannot possibly see a good ending here. This was a tough journey for me. Again, having to go through it mostly alone, I bury myself deeper, losing trust in people, losing faith in my so-called friends.  People who preach about love, understanding and care seems to be living in a different world altogether. In fact, it might even be. We cannot accept things fully without experiencing it ourselves first. Maybe it was all just a lie? Of course you may rebuke me, but maybe my suffering, my feelings, my thoughts are simply hogwash to you, for the very same reason. I can understand why you do not understand. And I hope you will too. I still have much to say but I guess this writing saga has to come to an end. I do not intend to share pictures of my raw wounds to avoid disgusting people, so here is a photo of my recovering hand and knee I shared on Facebook. It is actually expected if you think the wound is not as serious as my writing, but there is no way I could convince you otherwise. I am definitely in a better place now. It felt rather good writing, so I hope you enjoy reading as well.

End of day(s?). My accident pt 3

As I approached my colleague who was just finishing up at the pharmacy counter, I can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with the hospital. True to my lowered expectations, I only get a bottle of yellow lotion and some second rate painkillers. More on that later. We remembered we needed to make a police report as well so we headed to the police box located near the entrance of the hospital. The officer was kind enough to assist me filling in the details and what I have to do next. Things were smooth for once. Apparently, we can only file a preliminary police report at the police box and the final report requires some sort of interview or perhaps interrogation by the inspector in charge at the headquarters we went to earlier.

Now that we have a destination, we can work towards it. My colleague went to get his car while I headed to the entrance to wait for him. Suddenly there was an insane amount of pain as sunlight fried my exposed flesh. Perhaps I get one step closer to understanding vampires. As I tried to find shelter, I could only hope for my colleague to come quickly. The pain was not exactly the usual throbbing pain or the pain of holding something hot. This is an entirely new and unpleasant pain. In half a day, I have experienced things beyond my wildest dreams. I only wish for the day to be over as soon as possible. Thankfully he arrived, I got on, but much to my dismay, the sunlight gets into the car as well. I can only suffer in silence.

At the headquarters, the same thing happened, only this time I feel a bit better. Had to answer questions from a different set of curious bystanders and I proceeded with my business. A somewhat disgruntled looking officer asked me to sit and wait for my turn. I can understand that he must be sick of his job, dealing with so many people, so many cases and so many bullshit everyday but I have a pretty bad day too. As I try to be understanding, I sat there patiently and try to think of what to say later. My turn came, I explained and he pointed me to the inspector's office. My colleague also came in the front door and I just asked him to wait as I headed to the office. I guess I cannot expect a more welcoming experience since the earlier reception was sour at best. Long story short, I got things done, report printed but he mentioned I have to get my motorbike photographed at the headquarters. I didn't think about it much then, and even now, more than 3 weeks later, I still did not bother.

For the first time I felt relieved and we decided to go check on my motorcycle at the accident site. Journey was uneventful, and my colleague managed to find my bike under the care of one of the construction workers over there. Sometimes there are goodness in this world. He also managed to ask a reserve police office if I remember correctly about the photograph and the officer said they only will send people to take photographs if there is a death. Otherwise, the photograph needs to be taken at the headquarters. The next plan of action is to head back home. I phoned another colleague and he agreed since he lives nearby and it is already four in the evening. We headed into the parking lot and I jumped cars. As expected, the second colleague was very much surprised at my bloody condition. I explained everything as we approach my rented room.

I have not much idea how I managed to open the door and everything, but I did. I waved him goodbye and finally have the chance to take a good look at myself and my injuries. Then I took pictures and sent it to my mum's e-mail so she knows my current condition. Next, is the very painful part. Removing my clothes. It was hard avoiding the injured areas and some are still wet due to the severity of it. Here comes the hellish part. Please jump this paragraph and the next if you like to envision words. I have the stupid idea of rinsing my wounds. Yes, thinking of it already hurts a lot. But I felt it has to be done. To clean the wounds before finally leaving it to heal. I feel queasy myself thinking about it now.

With a crazy look in my eyes, I ripped the bandages apart. It has started to stick to my wounds. This disgusting sight is nothing new since I have plenty of experience with it from my first accident. As I stare at the slimy flesh I can only hope I am doing the right thing. Standing in front of the bathroom, I steel myself and went in. I slowly turn on the water, staring at the shower head as if it is raining lava. It might as well be. I jumped in, ducked my head and grit my teeth. The shock of water hitting my wounds is a very familiar feeling and I brace myself as I turned the water off. The pain arrived and I tried to keep myself calm as my heartbeat elevated. I trembled as I grabbed tissues to dab at my wounds, trying to absorb moisture as well as dirty blood. The pain was horrible. I could only wait it out.

As time passed, I felt relatively better again and slumped in front of my computer. I tried to get online and get in touch with people, alerting those who need to know. I think I phoned my mum via speakerphone and spoke to her about my situation. She mentioned that they are thinking of heading down to fetch me. But the family car is old and it is a very risky proposition. They are not sure where I was living either. Once that is done, I switched my attention to food and drinks. I have to boil water myself and eat something. With injuries on my chin, both palms and the back of my hands. This is going to be hell I told myself. But I have to survive. I have to because that is the thing I should do. I do not have a lot of people to rely on over here. This is the biggest problem of living alone, far from any relatives.

Unfortunately, the day is far from over. The pain that came at night, the very first night, is a few times worst than the pain from the water. Within the span of those several hours, until I could finally close my eyes due to exhaustion, I can only wish for salvation that never came. Next part will come soon. I never plan the contents ahead so if it is the last part, I will include some pictures of my current situation. It is very much better now.

Living nightmare. My accident pt 2

The day itself was long. In my shoes, it was never ending. Now, where was I?

As my colleague escorted me to his car, I tried my best to avoid staining the seat with my blood. My mind is very much awake as I explained what happened and asked where are we going next. Apparently we have to report to the police first before seeking further treatment at the hospital. Worst, we need to travel to the main station at city center. It sounds very much wrong but at that point I just take it as the correct answer since I have no experience in hit and run accidents and the procedures that follow. Thankfully the painkillers were doing a great job and I managed to maintain my composure throughout the journey as I try to hide my injuries. Imagine if you were driving beside and you saw someone pale and bloodied staring back with dead eyes. Needless to say it was horrible.

Next, imagine the driver getting a bit lost. The horribly injured man have to dig his phone and hold the navigator. I cannot be bothered to complain because I simply want to get treated soonest possible and that means lodging the police report first. Finally we made it there but another funny thing happened. I am supposed to walk in there myself as he went off to find parking. However, I guess there isn't much choice either. And so, with blood still fresh, I hobbled into the police station with people staring and curious people asking questions. I went through the door and to my horror there were a lot of people. I limped to an empty spot and just collapsed there. Needless to say, the officers there did not even bat an eyelid. Thankfully, my colleague came in after a while and we found out I can actually seek treatment first and lodge the report at the police box in the hospital. Away we go.

 At the hospital the same thing happened. I limped through the emergency ward entrance and approached the first counter I saw. The officer is helpful and asked me to sit down there while he tends to his current case. Another health worker came by, asked about my condition and got me a wheelchair. I never sat on a wheelchair before. Can't say I was never curious but the price to pay is indeed too great. As I waited, suddenly a group of doctors in training walked in. I guess it is a common sight since this is an university hospital. They stared at me. To them, I must look like an interesting specimen. At this point, I could not be bothered anymore. The officer finished my initial registration and 2 helpful trainee doctors pushed me towards the next counter. At the same time, my colleague came in.

I was assigned a number and my colleague pushed me to the waiting area for outpatient treatment. I do not qualify for emergency treatment since I am very much conscious and without relatively serious injuries. I mean all my limbs are still intact at least. Since outpatient includes your everyday elderly uncle or sickly kids, it was very uncomfortable to be there to say the least. Staring is one thing but you get a lot of noise too. I started to get used to the pain. Maybe I am just numb. It felt like forever before my number flashed and I was rolled into the ward. The doctor in charge looked young. Too young in fact. But who am I to doubt the capabilities of one deemed qualified to be treating me? She peeled away some of the bandages to check the extent of the injuries. Hurt like hell. Asked me to try clenching both fists, move my arms and legs. Hurt like hell. Then she applied pressure to my chest and my stomach to try and detect internal injuries. Awkward. Like.

Once the diagnosis is finished, I was prescribed x-ray to check my wrist and skull, and a jab of painkillers on my butt. We went for the painkillers first. I have never gotten a needle to my butt. But how can it compare to the pain I am suffering currently I thought. It went better than expected and we went to wait for x-ray. I was staring at people and they stared back. Finally it was my turn and I was expecting a much more professional approach. They simply asked me to close my eyes when they are trying to take a x-ray of my skull. I think if I were to open my eyes even a bit I would be blinded for life. Wouldn't a special blindfold be much more reassuring and secure? I was rolled away when they are done, very unimpressed. Now we need to get back to the doctor to see the x-ray results.

My skull and wrist is safe and so I was given 3 days of medical leave, painkillers from the pharmacy and some wound cleaning at a separate ward. My colleague tried to ask for more leave but she claimed that is the max they are permitted to grant. I simply kept quiet. At the wound cleaning ward, my colleague went off to line up for the pharmacy and subsequently settle the bill while I waited for their shift to change. It was lunchtime. It has been around 4 hours since the accident. I am still complaining at least. Managed to have a chat with another patient waiting after me. He and his son were involved in an accident and his son was admitted into emergency arm due to a broken arm. He escaped with scrapes and bruises. I wished him well as the health officer asked me to enter. To my surprise, he simply dabbed yellow lotion and promptly escorted me out. The wounds are left fresh and raw, without dressing. What the hell?

That's it for today. I will blog again soonest possible. New job is very tiring.

I asked for change. My accident pt 1

After sitting here for 30 minutes thinking about starting this long overdue blog post, I realized that what happened in the past month was something I wanted in a very indirect way. A while back I was getting sick of the monotony of it all and wished there will be change. My life changed. Both for better and for worst, surprisingly. Before I get to the subject matter, I skipped October because there really isn't much worth blogging about. There is progress in gym but hardly noticeable. I guess I have hit a plateau in appearance for now. But thanks to the change in my life recently, the December schedule is impossible now. I wanted to give myself a birthday present by achieving something at the gym. Sounds lame but hey it is something.

The good change is actually me landing a new job at hopefully a better place with better pay. Yes, after more than 2 years of reading about how I hated my job, maybe I will be able to love my new job. No guarantees though. Maybe there will be different problems. My boss was not surprised though. And I pity my colleague who needs to pick up after me. Not that my work is horrible but there is so much to follow up. I am proud to say I did a lot of stuff but so did my colleague. Now her responsibilities more than doubled-up. Regarding my new job, I am still involved in online development but at a different area. This time it is focused on cloud computing. For the tech-savvy, I will be working on Software as a Service products. I will be starting on November 11 so it is both exciting and nerve-wracking. How will things turn out?

As for the bad, I was involved in a motorcycle accident. No broken bones but I will get to that later. What I want to do now is basically chronicle the entire incident for my personal reference. This is not something I want to forget. It was Tuesday, 22 October 2013. I just handed in my resignation letter less than a week ago but I will be leaving on the 31st so my focus is on preparing documentation for some stuff that I did and am currently doing. Anyway I wasn't early nor late on the day and traffic was okay. As I cruise along, a line of cars appeared waiting for the traffic light further down the road so I kept to the left. The cars can cut out the right side but usually people cut in instead. I thought I was safe. I was wrong. There is no left turning except for one near the petrol station. People might use it as a detour to the front of the line. Thinking it was just any other day, I paid no heed as I approached the turning while maintaining a steady speed forward. Then a taxi turned and hit me.

Last thing I remembered was struggling to maintain balance then grimacing for the fall. I had no idea what happened next. I opened my eyes to see blood everywhere as I tried to make sense of my surroundings. I tried to search for my bag as I carried my personal laptop on that day. The pain has not set in yet. Still in a daze I could hear a lot of noise as people from a constructions side nearby approached to help. Then someone tapped me on the shoulder to my surprise. It was an auntie who was behind the taxi earlier and she told me the taxi ran away. I do not remember much but somehow I ended up asking her to take me to a nearby clinic for help. They said I have to go to the hospital but at that moment I could only think of the clinic near my office. My thoughts empty as I got into her car while trying very hard not to stain it with blood.

Thankfully I was able to direct her to the clinic without incident though once I started thinking again, I was terrified at the extent of my injuries. She stopped her car as she rushed to the clinic on second floor while I wait. It was a horrible feeling. Thankfully the adrenaline kept me awake and the pain minimal. Once she returned, she helped me into the lift. Luckily nobody else was around. As I was escorted into the treatment room the doctor started to analyze my wounds and the nurses got to work cleaning up to the best of the capabilities. The pain sets in and I start to feel dizzy and nauseous. It is here. This is not my first accident so I know the symptoms of adrenaline pullback all too well. As I grit my teeth and endured the pain while trying to do what the doctor says, one of the nurse mentioned 'Doctor, there is so much blood'.

They cut skin and dabbed antiseptic. The pain numbed everything. The doctor gestured to the nurse for painkillers and to take good care of my palms knowing that it is central to all hand movement and vital for recovery. The nurse asked if I had my breakfast yet and I promptly said no. At that moment I am basically begging for painkillers or alcohol solution. The pain is beyond numbness. I wanted everything to just go away. It was beyond my mental capacity. Breakfast is the least of my concern. But in a deep corner of my brain I thought, I would be eating breakfast on my table as usual, if only. It stops there. Nothing can change the fact I am lying here with pain coursing through my entire body, cursing everything I know.

Once the first aid is done, I was escorted out of the treatment room. Still in a daze as to what happened I sat at the waiting area. Instead of wasting time complaining I contacted my colleagues for help. I thank the lady, got her number and told her my colleague is on his way. She wished me well and she left me there. I can't possibly ask her to stay with me. But I felt something weird. Eyes. Everyone there is staring at me. Looking. I felt horrible. I cannot hide. I cannot do anything. Time passed slowly as I waited for my colleague. They were whispering. I felt very uncomfortable. However, little did I know that this is the beginning of my nightmare. When someone I recognize came through the front door, I felt relieved. Finally. To say that he was shocked at my condition is an understatement.

That's it for part 1. It's already quite long. I will continue tomorrow hopefully.