31/3/2008

End of March n a crazy weekend...currently iz 5am...wif now there r mixed feelings in myself...old ones r brought to light again earlier today...but i wouldnt really complain if things continue on like tis...after all i hav lived through it for a while aledi..sumhow everything i see, read or talk about iz related to tis 'incident'...sumhow itz all related today...torn between light n darkness...wat do i really want? wishing for the misfortune of others?? tat iz not acceptable indeed...plz let not my efforts, feelings, suffering n tears go to waste...hahaha not tat i hav actually cried over anything anyhow...juz wana make it more dramatic...but truly...plz...dun waste my sacrifice...but even if it truly happens...i...for now i think...i cant bring myself to swear over tis...i m afraid...afraid tat i cant uphold my oath...so as of now...i will promise...i will keep true to my original intention...even if things swing my way...i will evade it...tiz iz my own punishment for hoping for the bad...it iz impossible to change things for me i guess...haihz...hard to tell everything here considering tiz iz a sensitive issue..but i need sumwhere to vent my innermost feelings....i couldnt trust anyone enuf wif wat i m thinking or feeling rite now...to sum it will b a shocking development....unexpected turn of events...do not think highly of me as i m still human...i think it iz much more better for me to suffer tis rather than another...but sumtimes i do think otherwise...hopefully all tis while i nvr show anything to arouse suspicion...tis iz how things shud remain? let no one else suffer unnecessarily...but in a worst case scenario...every1 will lose...hav i done sumthing wrong?? did i make the wrong choice in the past? how wud things change if i took the other path?? too late to find out...can onli look into the future for now...hahaha...but perhaps i m thinking too much..mayb i m giving myself too much credit...mayb i shud juz sleep...if i talk anymore it might alleviate the problem...if tis blog spreads out into the open...tis will b my form 6 nightmare all over again...n yet i still post tis blog...perhaps i m more confident tis time around...tat no 1 will read n spread...but even if they do read...tis aint my form 6 anymore...hopefully...damn i m running in circles...i dunno wat i m talking about n i m sleepy...almost 5:30 am d...gtg ya...

28/3/2008

Huuu...the end of a crazy week...but sumhow kinda routine oso i guess...projects, assignments, near-accident experiences, messing around wif d girls, getting emo, think bout life etc etc...n itz 3 in the morning now...kinda lazy wana blog actually....i will keep it for tomolo lah....hehehe...if i still remember wat i wana say =_=....nitez every1

23/3/2008

Whooo...the days sure pass kinda fast...23rd of march d...anyway looks like my fren got better today d...even so...there r others who r going through a period of trials n tribulations...every1 iz being tested...as of now i dun hav many to say....but listen to tis song..it helped me pass through one of the dark periods of my life so far

MIRAI - Open Up Your Mind

http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/gsaiyuki/openupyourmind.htm

22/3/2008

Hm....wat to blog here...juz wana wish a fren of mine a speedy recovery nia....not the physical kind though...shocked to see the negative changes in your thoughts...normally iz me who iz negative n needs consoling...hahaha...the impact muz b pretty severe...nothing much happening in my life lately...head blanked joh...wait...i check back my last post first hehehe...hm...i didnt mentioned bout the steamboat trip i had wif the Red Crescent fellas...it wasnt bad nia...everyone got to eat for a reduced rate of RM11 onli...but the soup was so-so onli...the ingredients not bad...atmosphere not bad...expected loh coz they all one group nia...minor isolation iz ok gua....but got FLY in their chili sauce...no point complaining since me n another fella aledi eaten quite a lot of the sauce d...wen come back i kinda forgot wat i did back in my room...most probably was sulking around or playing sms or trying to chat in MSN...the internet still havent improved...wen midnight come stomachache d...hahaha it was the second night straight....first night coz no one go supper...so tot go 7-11 check out watz available..see see got sardin bun...long time no eat joh so buy one loh along wif a few packs of cheezels...come back terus down the bun n one packet of cheezels...soon kena loh...hahaha....hm..wat else to blog about?? i finally start to sit down n do my project...but then hope iz still kinda dim coz not much time remaining for another important main project....see how it all turns out later lah...tatz all for tonight...2 sumthing d...hopefully can sleep nicely loh...rainy season = cool n chilly = hibernation hahaha

21/3/2008

Why the hell did i even bother coming to tis website again =_=....a lot of things happened hand in hand...good n bad...hahaha...juz wen everything iz down, i got the notice tat i was accepted for LI...juz wen i tot everyone ignores me or treats me coldly...suddenly sumone from a long time ago started replying my msn messages...dunno if i shud view tis as a torture or a blessing...to heal me wen i m hurt...juz to hurt me again afterwards?? hahah i could hear ppl saying tat i m too negative d...negative n sensitive...negative i guess ok lah...i myself feels negative =_=...but i hate it wen ppl say i m sensitive...m i really??...dunno lah...dun care...wana sleep now...sien...hungry oso...

19/3/2008

Day in day out...i really wana cry d...but i cant =_=...the feelings r welling up inside of me...feel so sad now...a dejected soul...i m afraid of asking ppl for supper aledi...being rejected so many times...promises broken so many times as well...sum aledi agreed to go tiba-tiba say dun wan pulak..as i walk towards the parking lot...how my heart slumped as i passed by the rooms of ppl i know...i run from one person to another juz to b rejected over n over again...i wana juz kneel down n cry...i dun wana do tis anymore...but i m hungry every night...either i eat supper or i eat bfast...no way i m gona eat bfast...i wake up aledi late...juz enuf time to prepare for class...as i ride my motor towards my destination i onli hav the cold wind of the night to chill me...tis iz not the first time...nor do i think tis iz the last time...wat iz the purpose of living so close to everyone wen there iz actually no one at all?...wat iz the purpose of fighting for yur frens...helping frens...wen there iz actually no frens at all?? over n over again the rejection came...the disappointment...once, twice, today, tomorrow, next week....now 1 sem liao...not counting last sem...juz watched an anime epi...where one of the characters were absent n his friends r worried...sum even missed him...for me? my coursemates will juz think i got lazy or sumthing....dun wana type anymore lah...go sleep better....getting more n more sien....

18/3/2008

Urgh...i m getting severely depressed...really cant contain my feelings anymore....overspilling everywhere...dunno wat to do anymore...i guess itz juz tat time of the year again...hahaha...towards the end of sem i will act like tis..dunno why...happened last time...but itz too early now...wat do i want? wat do i need? wat iz wrong?...as of now i m kicking everyone out of my life d...itz the opposite of wat i m trying to do...aiyooo....bad mood almost 24/7...nothing makes me feel happy...today sumthing expected happened...i got a call to take sumone sumwhere...female d...but sumhow my gut told me it will juz b the same as last time...sumthing will happen tat stops me from fulfilling the task...i tot it was going to rain...but it didnt...i was stopped anyway in the end...n oso no one wanted to go supper...wat iz wrong wif everyone...no need to eat anymore ah? rather stay in room eat biscuits? dammit itz pathetic...n sumthing unexpected happened as well...in a negative way...the food i consumed during lunch hav not much taste...nvr happened b4...i know bad mood might coz u lose appetite but to lose yur sense of taste? watz wrong!??...itz past 2 liao...wana go sleep d..tomolo need to face a big challenge...presentation for group thesis...a lot of ppl got shot down today...we wont b any better considering the lecturer iz kinda...strict i guess...hopefully after tomolo things will brighten up...AARRRGGGHHH!!!!...whew...hehe

17/3/2008

Another thing i wana say...tis one too important to blog another day...as i might forget it like i always do...in the past..wen i always say i m afraid tat ppl might like me instead or i might interfere wif their relationship? itz half correct onli....yeah i m afraid tat i might interfere but not bcoz they may like me or anything...their eyes wont even see me...but itz bcoz i might like her instead...b4 it bcomes too hard to stop my feelings i gotta make sure nothing will happen...i guess i wanted to say tis a long time d...but due to sum circumstances hehehee...since few will read tis blog n oso events like tat r gone long ago i guess itz ok now...tatz all...really wana sleep d...1:30 loh...too early rite? ^^V

17/3/2008

Start of a new week d...almost d end of sem loh...another month more...later hav to worry bout where to stay for my upcoming third sem...but for now...a lot of deadlines...got presentation on tuesday...then final project presentation next tuesday...haihz...wat else? revision in between...oso got another project due final week...oh yeah...got one more research assignment...i m getting bored n tired aledi...came back here one n a half months...seems like a short amount of time but feels like half a year instead...havent gone back home yet...juz now went to the hostel dinner...nothing great...most of d time made jokes ourselves in order to enjoy...i guess tatz about it everywhere nowadays in most events...for the first time in a long time i gel my hair once more...after the statements of a few frens earlier...coz tat time i juz combed my hair after taking a bath n they said it was good....but tis time didnt get a response like tat...onli one fella say itz cool...but tatz onli mayb coz i made one small bunch of hair drop down the front...well it will b quite sum time till i do it again =_=...i was trapped in a social disorder n now i m free from it sumhow...hahaha wen ppl say itz cool, u try to do it again...coz u feel great...but then u will compare yurself wif others coz u wana keep on being cool n great...so u will stare at ppl...they will think themselves as great n the cycle continues...hahaha...i lazy wana blog much tis time...kinda sleepy...later going to pump petrol d...one thing iz for sure...history iz repeating itself...but tis time i m juz smiling all the way...hahaha lazy wana elaborate oso...not many will know bout it anyway...dun wana waste my breath...hopefully tonight will hav a good night's sleep~...bb

14/3/2008

Muahahah now tat i blog so frequently i guess most of u would hav guessed how messed up my life iz...i was staring at my msn n skype list wen i wondered how long since sumone actually msged me first rather than me disturbing them....it was a long long time...suddenly a msg popped up though...hahaha anyway i know bout girls not messaging boys first...i accepted tat a long time d though i dun really agree wif it...but boys oso...damn...my social circle really iz pathetic...n last night as i was trying to sleep i wanted to juz sms sumone n ask 'ei...sleep joh mei?'...sumhow it doesnt feel foreign to me...means i hav done tis b4...but now i couldnt...i miss it...miss it a lot...to feel u hav sumone...frens or girlfrens alike...()!@&)(@&#)(*@)(*&#.... day iz still long..got a lotta stuff to do...hungry tim....haihz....

14/3/2008

Juz came back from an attempted solo supper...didnt expect so many ppl there... i cant really bring myself to juz sit there alone nia =_+...feels weird...no lah i didnt go all the way n came back empty-handed...first of all i went to the atm machine...then i went to pump air for my motor...i tot might as well go supper mah...haihz...i dunno wana ask who to teman me supper anymore...everyone seems like they hav a partner or sumting more important to do...i m frequently rejected...sum followed to give face onli...sien...few ppl suggested i go find a gf...i hav heard tis advice for a lot of times aledi loh...u think a gf iz sumthing u pick up from 7-11 meh...u cant buy it wif money nor can u choose the one u like from a rack...there r human feelings involved...those r precious things tat kenot b messed around so freely...haihz...day in day out i grow more n more irritated by my current condition...i kept on complaining bout ppl...let out my true feelings without giving face...my own words resonated in my head...but i might b taking it a bit too far...life iz short...better make things clear...nvr know wat might happen...wat i m doing...can sumone tell me if itz right or wrong?? haihz...oh yeah regarding supper i m eating biscuits d...hahaha...itz sad to know few read bout tis blog...i wana share wif the world bout wat i m feeling now...i wana feel i m being cared even though v didnt see each other...but itz not wise to blog in frenster nia...even ppl who i dun wan them to read iz there...n i dun think i can block access to my frenster blog can i? aiya dun care la...i will keep on blogging here~~

13/3/2008

Looks like i nvr did remember wat i wana say yesterday...n if u can judge by now i m incredibly irritated nowadays...easily provoked through trivial matters...i guess i cant hold it all in anymore...n sum ppl hav aledi noticed tis change..sum stayed away due to the shock i guess...i started to really speak my piece of mind in most things...nvr cared for the feelings of others anymore...who cared for mine?...but i m incredibly disappointed in my frenship wif a girl...yeaps..the same one i mentioned a few posts ago...i tot can hav a go wif her...but no...it was my own foolish imagination again...i m not blogging about it to remind myself itz an illusion n i shud not bring my hopes up anymore...in reality our frenship nvr progressed to begin wif...i really thought it was getting better...certain times i could onli think of telling her wen i m very troubled...i know she iz available one thing...but she sleeps too early...erm...i think if u wana complain itz better to talk to a girl...first of all they listen better than guys...i forgot another reason much more solid than tis though...erm guys r not tat good at comforting i guess...hey...no wonder girls dun find me for comfort!! hahaha...mayb itz our lack of emotion compared to females? they r able to touch the hearts of others as well as themselves better??? dunno how to put it in words...anyhow the majority of girls here r either taken or sleep early or really not suitable to talk to....i really need sumone in my life now...sumone to talk to...sumone to escape to...no nid to solve problems for me...erm..letz say i m very frustrated in the middle of the night over a project or sumthing...i juz wana message sumone n hav a slight chat...sumone i know will b there for me...will try to cheer me up...no need to succeed...juz to see her try itz good enuf for me...means i m being cared for aledi i guess...top all of tis up wif ppl around me who kept on disappointing me in a lot of ways...sum r new while sum r expected i guess....but i did hope they will change...they nvr thought bout the effects they will hav on others...it iz incredibly lonely wen u r able to see the world differently from everyone else...haihz...if onli i m talking to a person now n not towards tis blog...i need sumone to go through the nites together...hahaha not the way u r thinking though...'u'...iz anyone reading tis post anyway =_=...plz...anyone out there who needs sumone in the middle of the night...i will always b available...my hp iz open 24/7...n itz set on loud..hopefully i didnt turn it to silent mode though...but i guess most of the girls here hav sumone aledi eh?? or they have each other for now...as best frens lah!! wat else u thinking...haihz...oh yeah a few days ago another fella tried to tackle my problems...hahaha in the end nothing changed...wakakaka...life goes on eh?? now to quote sumthing i learn from a manga...wen u r exposed to a greater power...2 choices...either u reach for the summit of tat power or u juz admit u r weak n give up the fight altogether....u wan to challenge the summit...u will think 'i wana do it too!!'...er...another quote from a different manga....there r no strong or weak ppl in tis world...onli those tat work hard to b strong or those tat do not...hahaha....u actually learn a lot bout life in sumthing ppl deem a waste of time or an immature hobby...i think i can blog whole night but itz approaching 4 now...sien...really truly sien...tomolo most prob i will blog again...sumthing will happen...

12/3/2008

Elo again...haihz..nowadays kept on getting emo ler...i guess i cant handle things anymore..n i m getting more n more forgetful...everytime got sumthing to say occasionally will forget...like now loh..didnt do much work either tis days...still almost the same...argh juz now could think of sumthing...sumthing important!! wat was it...heh...itz approaching 2...got lots to say but no means to say it...i cant describe it...dun even know where to start...

7/3/2007

Hm....itz been a long time since i blogged...hahaha perhapz itz due to the bad connection in the hostel..or itz juz tat a lot has been happening in my life..too much....tat now i m at a loss...as to wat to do from here...i hav finished a lot of stuff...now onli a few things r left...one of them iz a doomed presentation...the lecturer will bite us off...none hav survived so far...but i cant juz ignore it...but even still...spending a weekend on it iz overkill...wat else do i hav? wat else can i do? wen u drag out too much water from a well too quickly...there lies an empty space b4 water flows back to replace those gone or the whole level juz recedes...wen suddenly there iz no drive or purpose to look forward to...mayb i m still suffering from lack of sleep but 8+ hours iz way too much...rarely do i get to sleep tat much...very rare...n i juz woke up from my afternoon nap...whole body still feeling heavy n my mind in a blur...the mms yesterday was rather lacking i think...i couldnt put it down as the past yet...my consciousness iz still forcing me to think tat did i really give everything i hav got into producing it? izzit tat i can do no more n no better? so tiz iz how regret feels like? wen u r still living in the past tat u cant possibly see the future? nvr tot a simple mms could do so much to a person eh? simple...mayb i shouldnt describe it as simple nia...since it took me a few days to complete it...almost 8 hours per day on it? in the past wen i hav regret iz wen i play dota n lost...thinking perhaps if i hav done better the team wouldnt lose...hm...so i feel like tis wen i thought i hav let ppl down bsides myself? yeah...i guess so...none of the ajk thanked me for a job well done yet like last time malam pengenalan...no celebrations no nothing...mayb they got bigger fish to fry? but even to myself i felt it was juz kinda average...didnt hav the effect i was hoping for...wat did i do wrong?? i guess tiz iz the issue of the day nia...damn i still feel tired...so heavy...i know i shouldnt b...earlier i tried to play game...but i felt sien...then i knew sumthing iz not right d...i wont feel sien wen i play games tat i like...but the game hanged lah...hahaha...now i think wat do i wana do n i cant come up wif anything...find ppl to chat? play a game? nothing comes to mind...i m stuck...couldnt move on into the future....hopefully the night will b better...finding ppl to chat...i onli hav 1 person in mind now...but dunno if she iz free or back hometown or not...there i said it...a girl...scared d liao...izzit going sumwhere i m afraid of? or m i thinking too much? iz tiz how friendship between guy n girl shud b? or izzit possible to go sumwhere further? itz not like i m the one initiating it tis time...for the first time i think she might b interested...hehe mayb i m giving too much credit to myself...but i do know she wana b frens...true frens...tat much iz sure nia...i m juz waiting for sumthing more...she iz going hot n cold..if she likes me for real then i hav to return her feelings...either as a fren or as the one she chose...m i missing a chance of the lifetime? iz she the one? but i dun hav the same feeling wif the ones in my past...i dunno ler...confusing..thinking too much again? but tatz wat happens wen i m too free..no classes n no ppl to talk to...onli tis blog where my thoughts run free...thoughts tat i wouldnt even think of unless i wrote down my train of thought....everytime i tried to confirm her feelings she would brush me away...but oftentimes she catches me offguard wif the words she say n i will get confused all over again...mayb i m juz stupid...or mayb tatz how friends talk? bah it wont end...anyway mayb one of tis days i will post sum photos on my frenster...updated pics of my looks...hehe...nothing much changed other than a freakingly long front hair...coz didnt cut during CNY...ok then time to cut my nails...almost 0.5cm long d...everytime ppl ask i give the excuse i m too bz to sit down n trim it...now i got all the time in the world...hehehe...bb~