And so I was right yet again. My phone continues to vibrate as the congratulatory messages pour in to the winners. Yet everything that transpired was my fault. Why did I have to open my god damn mouth? Why did I go to have a drink that night? And why wasn't I good enough to stand alongside them? The questions continue to flood my thoughts and it is getting harder and harder to hold it all together. The world is not ending yet, but this, this could have been easily prevented.
But after all that is said, I cannot change the past nor the present. It is reality now. A reality I have to live with. This will haunt me for as long as I stay. If there ever was a feeling worst than this, I do not want to experience it. This is the worst so far. Nothing in the past few months could compare to this. Nothing. This isn't something that was out of my control. This was the payment for my foolish mistake. To think that I am good enough to just talk about anything without backlash. This is the harshest life lesson I ever had to endure so far.
I know now. This helplessness. I am also aware of what I am doing right now and how ugly my thoughts are. Which makes it worst because I cannot stop my honest feelings and my direct opinions anymore. I swear I will never share ever again. The drink we had will be the last one. Not because I hate the people involved, not because I feel that I have been exploited, no. It is to simply avoid something like this to ever happen again.
This few days will be tough. I am sorry my teammates. I truly am. If only...
Monday, September 26, 2016
Saturday, September 24, 2016
The end of another chapter
Guess I just need to blow off some steam. Being so tired isn't really helpful either. Now, where to start? I would like to apologize to my team members for ultimately not even qualifying. The idea and execution wasn't good enough to carry us through. As I think about the effort and on top of everything, my emotions invested into it, I also realize that they have invested their trust and emotions too. I am terribly sorry. Maybe I am just taking things too seriously and overthinking things. But to the winners, please accept praise graciously. If my idea was better, I would have won as well. What you are doing is just rubbing it in.
Maybe I was overconfident and reality has to kick me around a bit. The reason better not be the same as last year's. I would like them to tell me earlier if it was the case. Then I wouldn't be using 2 days building something that ultimately is not needed. Could have done something that is useful. To me, it is a waste. I do not see it as an enhancing experience. Well, maybe this enhances my emotions a bit. To look at the positive side, it has been a long time since I have really worked hard for something alongside people. Even running is basically just me alone chasing after an impossible goal. It feels good to fight together.
And my writing skills got some action. It has also been long since I have written anything. I really liked writing. Though nowadays it is only a skill I use to vent off. But no matter how good my writing is, or how good I am at problem solving, it didn't matter in the end. Somehow I always fall short at the most important point. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I am just plain stupid. I can feel the team feeling pretty down as the winners are announced. All of us wanted our effort to be worth something. I admit that I made a mistake during the presentation. Again, maybe I am overconfident. Would things ended better if I stayed back like everyone and invested more time into it or my idea was doomed from the start? I don't know and at this point I feel bad for blaming random stuff.
I will remember this defeat. I will remember this till the end of my memory. I will remember everything everyone of you said to me. The anger, the disappointment and the anguish, I will keep them close until I no longer need such a reminder. Maybe this is just punishment for myself. I am not sure. But I feel that this is right. To make sure this will never happen again. Either I get good, or I do not wear this responsibility ever again. I hope that I will not fail anybody else. Because I can never apologize enough.
How can people just treat it so lightly I wonder? Have they never considered winning? I don't think so. Maybe it just doesn't mean that much to them. Maybe I am just a sore loser. I guess I will accept the aftermath after a few days. Again, this is just me venting. Nothing I do now can change the past. Maybe I should just sleep early and go have a run tomorrow.
Maybe I was overconfident and reality has to kick me around a bit. The reason better not be the same as last year's. I would like them to tell me earlier if it was the case. Then I wouldn't be using 2 days building something that ultimately is not needed. Could have done something that is useful. To me, it is a waste. I do not see it as an enhancing experience. Well, maybe this enhances my emotions a bit. To look at the positive side, it has been a long time since I have really worked hard for something alongside people. Even running is basically just me alone chasing after an impossible goal. It feels good to fight together.
And my writing skills got some action. It has also been long since I have written anything. I really liked writing. Though nowadays it is only a skill I use to vent off. But no matter how good my writing is, or how good I am at problem solving, it didn't matter in the end. Somehow I always fall short at the most important point. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I am just plain stupid. I can feel the team feeling pretty down as the winners are announced. All of us wanted our effort to be worth something. I admit that I made a mistake during the presentation. Again, maybe I am overconfident. Would things ended better if I stayed back like everyone and invested more time into it or my idea was doomed from the start? I don't know and at this point I feel bad for blaming random stuff.
I will remember this defeat. I will remember this till the end of my memory. I will remember everything everyone of you said to me. The anger, the disappointment and the anguish, I will keep them close until I no longer need such a reminder. Maybe this is just punishment for myself. I am not sure. But I feel that this is right. To make sure this will never happen again. Either I get good, or I do not wear this responsibility ever again. I hope that I will not fail anybody else. Because I can never apologize enough.
How can people just treat it so lightly I wonder? Have they never considered winning? I don't think so. Maybe it just doesn't mean that much to them. Maybe I am just a sore loser. I guess I will accept the aftermath after a few days. Again, this is just me venting. Nothing I do now can change the past. Maybe I should just sleep early and go have a run tomorrow.
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