The last post was chronicling the days of my motorcycle accident. It really has been a while. The scars on my hand remain but my hand is more or less fully recovered. Makes for a great ice breaker if the other party is not put off by it in the first place. However, those that actually judge me for my appearance before even saying hello, nothing good will come from knowing them. I am proud to say that life has been pretty stable thus far. Until now that is. But still, it is a pretty good achievement, being able to keep it together for such a long while. Or perhaps there were issues from the start, which build up to the situation right now.
Even after so much training, I still have problems dealing with people and the things they say or they do. Talking to them about it only makes things awkward and it would be uncomfortable for both sides if they started being cautious around me. In a way, it does not feel like friendship after all. How do you justify being overly sensitive anyway? If you ask me about each and every annoyance, I can give you an explanation for all of them. Maybe you are saying I am letting it get to me. But maybe I am just not letting it slide so easily. If you ask me to change, how could I when I strongly believe that my opinion is legit and correct? You would have find it offensive as well but you just do not let it get to you. Calling you stupid in a joking capacity does not make the word any less offensive.
It is the same with their actions or their general attitude. It offends me. And I still have to smile and carry on daily while being pricked here and there. I dare say I will not explode from this but I do not want to suffer in silence either. It is not a matter of worth it or not I guess. The reason why nobody else finds it offensive means this might be a case unique only to me. That is also part of the reason why I did not take any action against this issue. Me against the world yet again. I fully comprehend the hardship of actually encountering another decent human being. I am not saying I am without flaws but I seriously long for a friend that makes me feel good instead of having me trying to make things work for both sides.
I was correct and wrong with money. I have the correct mindset by putting living first and earning second. But I also thought that having more money would improve my daily mood. This is very wrong. I can eat expensive meals now. However, there is no point when you are alone or with lousy company. And, the very fact that I have good memory of events and conversations only make things harder. It is not my choice to remember or to forget, I am just built like this. Why don't you go ask a forgetful person to just snap out of it and start remembering stuff? He or she can't. I cannot forget things with the flip of a switch in my brain either. Maybe your brain works that way but mine sure as hell do not.
I find myself being envious of the laughter that the coffeeshop owner shares with her relatives that are assisting the place. It seemed so genuine and so carefree. Many would say my life right now is already pretty carefree with minimal stress. I guess most of you are correct. Maybe because I do not have a gigantic concern to block my view, I started noticing all the other small things that annoy me. And I hear that stress is generated by yourself so it should be something I can control. Then there is much for me to learn. But where to learn is another thing altogether. If things do not work out after all, maybe I should move back home. I am afraid of it though. What happens if I get pissed off at home too? What if my heaven is not the heaven I think it would be? What do I do then?
Recently I finished a Korean drama that I think many of you would be familiar with. From the drama, I saw the main character recite numerous quotes from a book. Curious about it, I searched for it and found a free upload online. It is quite a great book and I think it carries a different meaning for everyone depending on your life so far. One of the main themes is about love and how it will eventually come for everyone. How the titular character got hurt by love, closes his heart but then is saved by love in the end. "Someone will come for me". I also remember something someone said, "One day you too will be saved". Maybe it was just my imagination. But I want to believe that someone said that to me. Because I hope someone will come for me. I want someone to save me. Don't worry, not going to suicide. You know, just in case you guys have any funny ideas after reading this. Well, I think I feel better now. And life goes on.
