While waiting for my housemate to stop hogging both the washing machine and the bathroom, decided to write something. Recently a lot of things have been happening. I guess this is the correct way to live, at least to my own personal definition. A few days ago I posted a video of myself doing the ALS ice bucket challenge. I read about ALS and it is pretty scary. I mean look at Stephen Hawking and imagine yourself in that situation for the next 30 years, if you are lucky. Else you die as a horrible shadow of your former self, unable to talk, unable to move, unable to live. And nobody is immune, nor is it limited to only those with family history. Is this condition an effect of karma or simply fate? Nobody knows. Anyway I donated a small sum and if you are interested to watch it, I have set it to public on Youtube. Good luck finding it.
So the main topic is about a a status update I posted on Facebook a few days ago about loneliness. In the most literal sense we are never alone. We are only alone if we make it that way. If we shut ourselves away from others or push them out. But what I meant was I do not have anybody that 'gets' me. As in to think in the same spectrum or brainwave or any bombastic term you can muster. Do you have a friend that agrees with your choices? Are they really in the same mindset or are they only going with the flow? Or worst, are they suppressing their needs to please you? No matter what, you as a friend, should appreciate their companionship and try not to be too selfish or lead them into traps. Traps as in horrible offers or bad choices in which you drag them along.
I hate those people. And I admit, I am suppressing myself at work. Or when I am out with a certain group of friends. Back in the university I do not give a damn about what the others think and look at how it turned out for me? Finding the balance is one tough challenge and I am jealous with people who have best friends. I guess both sides have to put in much effort to make things work. Speaking of work, I am having a bad time abiding with the lunch choices. I am trying very hard to slim down and oftentimes I am so hungry I get very cranky and I get colleagues who dive in without caring for their health or weather. I speak of weather because everyone gets smelly and sweaty walking that far for food that is not worth the effort. Vegetarian food is only healthy when it is properly cooked and prepared. We get deep-fried flour and thick syrup gravy.
I sincerely have no idea how I am going to have a kid of my own when I could not stand the childish antics of my colleagues. Why are we even coordinating our outfits or only going for outings when everyone is available? In the end, nothing gets done. I am unable to comprehend the way they talk as well. The insults are ridiculous and the refusal to admit they are wrong is very astounding. This is on a more personal level but I honestly am impatient with bad speakers. I am not a good speaker myself but at least I am able to get my point across. You can wipe your middle finger in my face but this is what I feel. The daily test of patience sometimes gets the better of me but somehow nothing regrettable has happened yet. To those who I really cannot stand, I try to make it clear that I do not appreciate their companionship.
How much can you tolerate for a friend? Can just anybody be your friend? Are you positive or open-minded enough to just accept everybody? No matter how offensive they are? Even if they insult your principles or step on your code of conduct? No, you try to draw a line between you and them. You try to keep it professional. No bridges will be burnt. If they still do not get it, you avoid them like the plague. What is the point then? You keep people close, they hurt you. You keep them far, you feel alone. Basically is the problem on myself? I see people sharing something like 'When you apologize first, you value friendship more than your ego'. In my opinion, you are basically letting them a free pass to do the same thing again. I think you got to let them know it is wrong. And being an adult, hopefully they will be considerate and come to an agreement. Remember what you read 2 minutes ago? The problem is they are not capable of thinking like an adult.
Harsh words? I prefer to say honest words. You have no idea how much I have pent up inside of me all this while. One after another, from every workplace there will be people who rub you the wrong way. How do you handle all the insanity? You just go with the flow and swallow everything, good or bad? Are you sure that is the best thing to do? But I guess perhaps you have bigger issues to deal with. Maybe the reason why I am so pissed off with probably just a petty thing is because life is good? Whatever problem that you are staring at tends to be the largest one. So if I do not have anything else to rant about I guess this is it? Maybe I just learned to live with the other problems. You can never have enough money, a girl friend is still pretty much impossible. Oh yeah, there are still people talking shit about my hair and about me being gay. Leave me alone!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Marathon and a hair cut
Most of you would be more interested in the second part of the title but be prepared to be disappointed as I myself could not bear to take a selfie. I need more time. My hair has been with me since university days. It is an understatement if you think people are merely surprised by the change. I admit I have been pretty stubborn about it in the past but I have decided to take action this time around. I will rant about it after I talk about happy stuff. Last weekend, I finally completed my first full marathon at Langkawi. I have never been to Langkawi so things turn out pretty good I would say. No, I did not have sex on the beach. And no, you are not the first to ask. Yes, I am pretty annoyed with the question.
Pricks aside, it was really fun and eye-opening. The run was far more challenging than I have imagined. The most I have run during practice was 32km and I was so wrong to think that another 10km would not be that bad. The course itself is very hilly but I have always been running on a hilly track, just not as steep. Something to add into my training plan for the next marathon which is rumoured to be worst. The weather was pretty comfortable though. However, I lost an earbud for my headphones during the run so that is a major bummer. I already have experience with stopping at water stations and eating power gels during Johor's half marathon so it is not something new this time around. However, coconuts being served is certainly very new!
My joy of finishing was dampened when I saw my timing though. I am still happy for sure but mostly just because the ordeal is over. I guess I am so over-confident that I thought finishing is a certainty. Of course it is a pretty good 5:20 especially for a beginner but I have read articles about people finishing below 5 for their first marathon. Maybe the running course is different. But I refuse to accept that excuse. I am just not that good yet. I guess a part of me agreed that thinking like that is the best to keep myself grounded and to aim for a better finishing time in the upcoming marathons. Cool to see those that finish earlier than me did not have all those cool and expensive running gear except for a nice shoe or proper compression shorts. I have nothing against people who require running gear just that I have a personal vendetta towards rich people. Call it jealousy.
About my hair, I was seriously considering it during my journey back from Langkawi. I wonder if I am still under the influence of the adrenaline. I guess enough is enough. Throughout the years I have taken so much unwanted comments about my hairstyle that I have lost count. From being labelled as gay or pretty (in a very negative way I assure you) to being told that it is the cause I am still single. Of course I did not blow up in your face when you say those things. I even laughed at your jokes. But just because I laugh it off, does not mean it is not taken as an insult. Just because I have heard it over a thousand times, it does not make it any less offensive. In fact it might feel worst. Try to remember the last time you are forced to laugh an insult off just because you are socially obligated to present yourself as a creature with a good sense of humour and high EQ.
Bitterness aside, I really did not have a good reason not to cut my hair. I was using my hair as a conversation topic and to take away the attention from my face. So much time has passed since I last saw my face with short hair. Never try never know right? I am not one to shy away from a challenge, especially not one as trivial as this. I have lived with insults from the days of being overweight to being called a sissy or gay, it could not get any worst right? However, it was not any better either. The comments died down after a while thankfully. I am still reaching to untie my hair every time I want to take a bath or go to sleep. Hopefully things will get better. If not, at least I will have something to say to the same people when I want to grow out my hair again. I will be keeping it short for a while.
In the end, all my rants can be rendered moot simply by acknowledging the fact that my decisions and nothing else brought about everything. My financial situation is not the best, and I could have taken the job offer to work at a financial institution or take up freelancing but I refuse. I am annoyed with people but I could have just ignored them or kept my distance or even try to make new friends elsewhere. I hate comments about my hair but I was the one who decided it might be cool to keep it long, a good change of image. I get jealous when I see people with rich toys or great friends but I am just judging by first impression. Maybe they worked hard for it. But that is just how things are in this world right? People judge easily. They do not play by my rules either. Oh well, such is life.
Pricks aside, it was really fun and eye-opening. The run was far more challenging than I have imagined. The most I have run during practice was 32km and I was so wrong to think that another 10km would not be that bad. The course itself is very hilly but I have always been running on a hilly track, just not as steep. Something to add into my training plan for the next marathon which is rumoured to be worst. The weather was pretty comfortable though. However, I lost an earbud for my headphones during the run so that is a major bummer. I already have experience with stopping at water stations and eating power gels during Johor's half marathon so it is not something new this time around. However, coconuts being served is certainly very new!
My joy of finishing was dampened when I saw my timing though. I am still happy for sure but mostly just because the ordeal is over. I guess I am so over-confident that I thought finishing is a certainty. Of course it is a pretty good 5:20 especially for a beginner but I have read articles about people finishing below 5 for their first marathon. Maybe the running course is different. But I refuse to accept that excuse. I am just not that good yet. I guess a part of me agreed that thinking like that is the best to keep myself grounded and to aim for a better finishing time in the upcoming marathons. Cool to see those that finish earlier than me did not have all those cool and expensive running gear except for a nice shoe or proper compression shorts. I have nothing against people who require running gear just that I have a personal vendetta towards rich people. Call it jealousy.
About my hair, I was seriously considering it during my journey back from Langkawi. I wonder if I am still under the influence of the adrenaline. I guess enough is enough. Throughout the years I have taken so much unwanted comments about my hairstyle that I have lost count. From being labelled as gay or pretty (in a very negative way I assure you) to being told that it is the cause I am still single. Of course I did not blow up in your face when you say those things. I even laughed at your jokes. But just because I laugh it off, does not mean it is not taken as an insult. Just because I have heard it over a thousand times, it does not make it any less offensive. In fact it might feel worst. Try to remember the last time you are forced to laugh an insult off just because you are socially obligated to present yourself as a creature with a good sense of humour and high EQ.
Bitterness aside, I really did not have a good reason not to cut my hair. I was using my hair as a conversation topic and to take away the attention from my face. So much time has passed since I last saw my face with short hair. Never try never know right? I am not one to shy away from a challenge, especially not one as trivial as this. I have lived with insults from the days of being overweight to being called a sissy or gay, it could not get any worst right? However, it was not any better either. The comments died down after a while thankfully. I am still reaching to untie my hair every time I want to take a bath or go to sleep. Hopefully things will get better. If not, at least I will have something to say to the same people when I want to grow out my hair again. I will be keeping it short for a while.
In the end, all my rants can be rendered moot simply by acknowledging the fact that my decisions and nothing else brought about everything. My financial situation is not the best, and I could have taken the job offer to work at a financial institution or take up freelancing but I refuse. I am annoyed with people but I could have just ignored them or kept my distance or even try to make new friends elsewhere. I hate comments about my hair but I was the one who decided it might be cool to keep it long, a good change of image. I get jealous when I see people with rich toys or great friends but I am just judging by first impression. Maybe they worked hard for it. But that is just how things are in this world right? People judge easily. They do not play by my rules either. Oh well, such is life.
Monday, August 4, 2014
When will my sun rise?
It is actually quite interesting to have a blog with such a long history because it is like a window to your past. With my memory and imagination I could relive the emotion and the events that drove me to write the post even though it can be painful. Anyway, the reason why I write today is because I am feeling particularly confused and depressed and felt that writing things down will help me reorganize my thoughts. This has nothing to do with my previous post. Surprisingly, or perhaps disappointingly, the news did not hit me as hard as I thought it would. Well it will happen sooner or later, for the both of us. However, I still thinks she deserves better. No, I am not talking about a girlfriend, and honestly though, if you could magically make her mine right this instant, I would say no and ask you to just fly away somewhere.
As you guys may or may not know, I finished another Korean drama today and the bitter feeling is killing me. I guess my life is too empty even though I would hate to admit it. The marathon, the gym, work, everything I spend time in is actually a big diversion from the main problem in my life. I was so absorbed in the romance depicted in the drama that I have absolutely no idea what to do with my evenings once it is finished. The pointless routine to some of you is the highlight of my day as I escape into a world which I have never set foot on. Not even once. How much I would like to hug someone as hard I as can, never to let go, how much I want to run my fingers through my partner's hair, how much I would like to finally love someone so much that I would actually stand in front of a screwdriver. Yes, I am referring to that scene for you people who watched the drama.
Let me ask you something honestly, how many of you would gladly, without even blinking proclaim you can and will die for your partner? You can brush me off as crazy but I would like to love someone that much one day. To love so much that it hurts. I have loved someone before in the past, but I have never asked myself the question while I am still hooked so I guess my opinion now does not count. To be happy just from hearing her voice, talking to her and seeing her smile and laugh. For the first time I am exposed to loveable childishness. I hate people acting cute and childish with a burning passion. But now, I stand corrected. With the proper execution, it is quite charming. For most of you out there, you would think that I am just in love with another stunning Korean actress. For that I can assure you that you are not my friend. Shame on you.
I have never loved someone for their looks. I am attracted of course, but to fall in love, it was never due to appearance. I realized this after the movie Stardust starring Claire Danes. I had a movie crush on her and looked her up on the Internet. However, I lost interest in her real person, just attracted to her character. It is the same with all the girls I have loved. Were they pretty? Not even close to the Korean standard. I hope with this, nobody will tell me to 'lower your expectations' ever again. Why should I lower my expectations of my love? Is it wrong to look for someone that will love you back? It is the same when I moved on from the girls. My heart, my feelings are locked in that period of time. I have no interest in them now. The 'her' that waved me goodbye at the school stairs will always be the one that I loved. The 'her' that stood at the hostel stairs, waiting for me, 'her' that took my hand as we dashed across the road.
Will the one finally come? I have no idea. But unfortunately, I don't think I am ready for a relationship as well. No financial strength. Maybe things will change when she comes. I will make it work somehow. Even though I am still relatively young, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of happiness in life. People I know, they had the chance to date each other for a few years but some just got pregnant not long after marriage. I guess they had enough of dates and felt it was time for a child. I want to experience it all before a child comes along. I want to date her as a man and then as a husband and finally only a father. I believe it will be fun. Am I being dragged along by all the ridiculous Korean dramas? Perhaps I am. This is the only happiness I have, to smile when the character I am rooting for smiles, to live a life I never had, that warm fuzzy feeling you will never get from the people around me. I would be so much happier if one of them can just stop insulting me.
Here I am drowning myself with the soundtrack of the drama as I write this post. It really helps to bring out all that I want to say. I learnt a lot from the drama. 'When your heart doesn't tell the truth, pain gives the answer'. 'Nobody knows what happens after the decision'. 'Giving someone love does not promise happiness in return'. Such simple truths but I never thought about it unless someone just says it in my face. I understand that reality may never work the same way as the dramas depict but I got nothing else to work with right now. And I finally understood why people would want to rewatch entire shows. This is the very reason. You grow fond of the characters, their interaction, their love. I watched it not to find out who was the culprit, I just want to know if she gets the guy in the end. It was so much fun. And just like everything else in this world, it will end. I guess I have written enough for now, the rest I have to sort it out myself this coming weekend at Langkawi. Maybe the marathon will do me some good. Maybe a miracle will happen.
Look at her. Supermodel? No. She depicted a deranged girl next door so perfectly, I wished I had a metal bin ghost to talk to at the mall. I really liked how she wore those torn jeans. Never thought it would be so fashionable. The girls I know only wear skinny jeans which is very boring and unattractive. Well since I am not as good looking or talented or rich as the guy, then I have to build up whatever I have. But seriously, money helps A LOT. Maybe, just maybe, on the day I decide to really earn money, she will come. Right now, I am simply earning as much as I need to survive and provide for my parents. Maybe, if I earn enough for 2 adults, things might be different. Or it may not. Who knows? Nobody knows what happens after the decision :)
As you guys may or may not know, I finished another Korean drama today and the bitter feeling is killing me. I guess my life is too empty even though I would hate to admit it. The marathon, the gym, work, everything I spend time in is actually a big diversion from the main problem in my life. I was so absorbed in the romance depicted in the drama that I have absolutely no idea what to do with my evenings once it is finished. The pointless routine to some of you is the highlight of my day as I escape into a world which I have never set foot on. Not even once. How much I would like to hug someone as hard I as can, never to let go, how much I want to run my fingers through my partner's hair, how much I would like to finally love someone so much that I would actually stand in front of a screwdriver. Yes, I am referring to that scene for you people who watched the drama.
Let me ask you something honestly, how many of you would gladly, without even blinking proclaim you can and will die for your partner? You can brush me off as crazy but I would like to love someone that much one day. To love so much that it hurts. I have loved someone before in the past, but I have never asked myself the question while I am still hooked so I guess my opinion now does not count. To be happy just from hearing her voice, talking to her and seeing her smile and laugh. For the first time I am exposed to loveable childishness. I hate people acting cute and childish with a burning passion. But now, I stand corrected. With the proper execution, it is quite charming. For most of you out there, you would think that I am just in love with another stunning Korean actress. For that I can assure you that you are not my friend. Shame on you.
I have never loved someone for their looks. I am attracted of course, but to fall in love, it was never due to appearance. I realized this after the movie Stardust starring Claire Danes. I had a movie crush on her and looked her up on the Internet. However, I lost interest in her real person, just attracted to her character. It is the same with all the girls I have loved. Were they pretty? Not even close to the Korean standard. I hope with this, nobody will tell me to 'lower your expectations' ever again. Why should I lower my expectations of my love? Is it wrong to look for someone that will love you back? It is the same when I moved on from the girls. My heart, my feelings are locked in that period of time. I have no interest in them now. The 'her' that waved me goodbye at the school stairs will always be the one that I loved. The 'her' that stood at the hostel stairs, waiting for me, 'her' that took my hand as we dashed across the road.
Will the one finally come? I have no idea. But unfortunately, I don't think I am ready for a relationship as well. No financial strength. Maybe things will change when she comes. I will make it work somehow. Even though I am still relatively young, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of happiness in life. People I know, they had the chance to date each other for a few years but some just got pregnant not long after marriage. I guess they had enough of dates and felt it was time for a child. I want to experience it all before a child comes along. I want to date her as a man and then as a husband and finally only a father. I believe it will be fun. Am I being dragged along by all the ridiculous Korean dramas? Perhaps I am. This is the only happiness I have, to smile when the character I am rooting for smiles, to live a life I never had, that warm fuzzy feeling you will never get from the people around me. I would be so much happier if one of them can just stop insulting me.
Here I am drowning myself with the soundtrack of the drama as I write this post. It really helps to bring out all that I want to say. I learnt a lot from the drama. 'When your heart doesn't tell the truth, pain gives the answer'. 'Nobody knows what happens after the decision'. 'Giving someone love does not promise happiness in return'. Such simple truths but I never thought about it unless someone just says it in my face. I understand that reality may never work the same way as the dramas depict but I got nothing else to work with right now. And I finally understood why people would want to rewatch entire shows. This is the very reason. You grow fond of the characters, their interaction, their love. I watched it not to find out who was the culprit, I just want to know if she gets the guy in the end. It was so much fun. And just like everything else in this world, it will end. I guess I have written enough for now, the rest I have to sort it out myself this coming weekend at Langkawi. Maybe the marathon will do me some good. Maybe a miracle will happen.
Look at her. Supermodel? No. She depicted a deranged girl next door so perfectly, I wished I had a metal bin ghost to talk to at the mall. I really liked how she wore those torn jeans. Never thought it would be so fashionable. The girls I know only wear skinny jeans which is very boring and unattractive. Well since I am not as good looking or talented or rich as the guy, then I have to build up whatever I have. But seriously, money helps A LOT. Maybe, just maybe, on the day I decide to really earn money, she will come. Right now, I am simply earning as much as I need to survive and provide for my parents. Maybe, if I earn enough for 2 adults, things might be different. Or it may not. Who knows? Nobody knows what happens after the decision :)
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