There is only darkness. My accident finale!

Hopefully this is the final post. I am getting sick of reliving those awful days myself. I chose those words as the title because it was my answer to a question from a friend. I was asked if I ever had anyone in mind during my road to recovery, or is there a motivational figure for me. Well, there is no one. Who can I call 3 in the morning when I was suffering so much that I could not sleep? Who can I call to help me open the toilet door when my palm is still leaking plasma? I am thankful to have friends helping me to buy food but there is nobody who can ease my pain. My parents at Ipoh cannot do anything except try to understand my situation through the phone and give words of encouragement. Who can feed me when I could not hold a spoon properly and food drops out of my swollen lips? In that short amount of time, I found out how my life could be so much worst.

Does that mean I am glad to be alive? Yes, but I am still bitter at being injured. What did other people pay to avoid being injured? What was the price? Could I afford it? Is it as simple as buying a car or it is my fate to be injured either way? During the first night, I could barely sleep. The swelling was so horrible I could not move my fingers without being in pain. I honestly thought I was going to lose my baby finger because it was injured at the joints and it looked horrible. I went through tissue papers as I struggled to keep my wounds clean and sterilized. My thoughts wander about problems I will face when nature calls. I threw them away and concentrate on dealing with things one at a time. With wounds on both my palm and the back of my hands, I have no way of putting them down. There was no correct way to sleep.

I will wake up every other hour while checking my wounds and keeping my thirst or hunger in check. The painkiller is useless. I wish I had alcohol solution or something to numb the pain, at least for me to drink water. Time passed by slowly. I could not concentrate on the drama series I continuously play to keep myself occupied. The pain is constantly reminding me that things are not all right. Why, I started asking. Why me? Why now? If I was late a bit or early a bit things might be different. I would be sleeping now, and the next day will be just another day at the office and the gym. I could not even bring myself to cry. The hatred and anger were overwhelming as I curse silently, thoughts occupying every waking moment. As dawn breaks, I figured I just need to do this a few more nights.

Toilet is a horrible test. Cleaning up is a miracle. I was in a mess. Bloody, smelly and definitely unsightly. As I endured the pain of my wounds on the chin and inner lips, food and water drips through the swelling. I am embarrassed of myself. I could not look at the mirror for long. I admit I was narcissistic but only as motivation for my gym pursuits. And there was nothing I can do about it. None of my knowledge, my strength, my experience could help me. Only time and sustenance. And a whole tanker of patience and faith. Trust in the fact that everything will be alright. If I endure another night I will be closer to full recovery. I will regain everything that I have lost. Things will be back to normal again. I console myself as I see scabs forming. But the road to recovery is indeed long. And sad. The only time I knelt down was when I dropped my last egg, realizing the fact that I am not capable of even holding an egg. Not able to provide for myself. I am useless.

I could not bear to bring myself into the public. I do not know how to deal with the unwanted attention. I could not even eat properly. Nobody understands my situation. Friends joke about it. Asking me to go show how manly I was. It was so disappointing. Like I said, only darkness. I cannot live on others forever so I decided to go get my own food once I could walk properly and my hands can actually hold something. I only carry a single RM10 note knowing food is not that expensive and I could not defend my wallet if someone decides to rob me. My eyes were wary as they met with the stares of others. I tried to make my journey as quick as possible. Sometimes to the extent of reopening wounds. Somehow physical pain is easier to deal with than shame. What kind of lesson in life is this? What can I possibly gain from this? Compassion for the injured and handicapped? A test? What do I gain from scoring an A?

If this is preparation for something or part of a bigger plan, I cannot possibly see a good ending here. This was a tough journey for me. Again, having to go through it mostly alone, I bury myself deeper, losing trust in people, losing faith in my so-called friends.  People who preach about love, understanding and care seems to be living in a different world altogether. In fact, it might even be. We cannot accept things fully without experiencing it ourselves first. Maybe it was all just a lie? Of course you may rebuke me, but maybe my suffering, my feelings, my thoughts are simply hogwash to you, for the very same reason. I can understand why you do not understand. And I hope you will too. I still have much to say but I guess this writing saga has to come to an end. I do not intend to share pictures of my raw wounds to avoid disgusting people, so here is a photo of my recovering hand and knee I shared on Facebook. It is actually expected if you think the wound is not as serious as my writing, but there is no way I could convince you otherwise. I am definitely in a better place now. It felt rather good writing, so I hope you enjoy reading as well.

End of day(s?). My accident pt 3

As I approached my colleague who was just finishing up at the pharmacy counter, I can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with the hospital. True to my lowered expectations, I only get a bottle of yellow lotion and some second rate painkillers. More on that later. We remembered we needed to make a police report as well so we headed to the police box located near the entrance of the hospital. The officer was kind enough to assist me filling in the details and what I have to do next. Things were smooth for once. Apparently, we can only file a preliminary police report at the police box and the final report requires some sort of interview or perhaps interrogation by the inspector in charge at the headquarters we went to earlier.

Now that we have a destination, we can work towards it. My colleague went to get his car while I headed to the entrance to wait for him. Suddenly there was an insane amount of pain as sunlight fried my exposed flesh. Perhaps I get one step closer to understanding vampires. As I tried to find shelter, I could only hope for my colleague to come quickly. The pain was not exactly the usual throbbing pain or the pain of holding something hot. This is an entirely new and unpleasant pain. In half a day, I have experienced things beyond my wildest dreams. I only wish for the day to be over as soon as possible. Thankfully he arrived, I got on, but much to my dismay, the sunlight gets into the car as well. I can only suffer in silence.

At the headquarters, the same thing happened, only this time I feel a bit better. Had to answer questions from a different set of curious bystanders and I proceeded with my business. A somewhat disgruntled looking officer asked me to sit and wait for my turn. I can understand that he must be sick of his job, dealing with so many people, so many cases and so many bullshit everyday but I have a pretty bad day too. As I try to be understanding, I sat there patiently and try to think of what to say later. My turn came, I explained and he pointed me to the inspector's office. My colleague also came in the front door and I just asked him to wait as I headed to the office. I guess I cannot expect a more welcoming experience since the earlier reception was sour at best. Long story short, I got things done, report printed but he mentioned I have to get my motorbike photographed at the headquarters. I didn't think about it much then, and even now, more than 3 weeks later, I still did not bother.

For the first time I felt relieved and we decided to go check on my motorcycle at the accident site. Journey was uneventful, and my colleague managed to find my bike under the care of one of the construction workers over there. Sometimes there are goodness in this world. He also managed to ask a reserve police office if I remember correctly about the photograph and the officer said they only will send people to take photographs if there is a death. Otherwise, the photograph needs to be taken at the headquarters. The next plan of action is to head back home. I phoned another colleague and he agreed since he lives nearby and it is already four in the evening. We headed into the parking lot and I jumped cars. As expected, the second colleague was very much surprised at my bloody condition. I explained everything as we approach my rented room.

I have not much idea how I managed to open the door and everything, but I did. I waved him goodbye and finally have the chance to take a good look at myself and my injuries. Then I took pictures and sent it to my mum's e-mail so she knows my current condition. Next, is the very painful part. Removing my clothes. It was hard avoiding the injured areas and some are still wet due to the severity of it. Here comes the hellish part. Please jump this paragraph and the next if you like to envision words. I have the stupid idea of rinsing my wounds. Yes, thinking of it already hurts a lot. But I felt it has to be done. To clean the wounds before finally leaving it to heal. I feel queasy myself thinking about it now.

With a crazy look in my eyes, I ripped the bandages apart. It has started to stick to my wounds. This disgusting sight is nothing new since I have plenty of experience with it from my first accident. As I stare at the slimy flesh I can only hope I am doing the right thing. Standing in front of the bathroom, I steel myself and went in. I slowly turn on the water, staring at the shower head as if it is raining lava. It might as well be. I jumped in, ducked my head and grit my teeth. The shock of water hitting my wounds is a very familiar feeling and I brace myself as I turned the water off. The pain arrived and I tried to keep myself calm as my heartbeat elevated. I trembled as I grabbed tissues to dab at my wounds, trying to absorb moisture as well as dirty blood. The pain was horrible. I could only wait it out.

As time passed, I felt relatively better again and slumped in front of my computer. I tried to get online and get in touch with people, alerting those who need to know. I think I phoned my mum via speakerphone and spoke to her about my situation. She mentioned that they are thinking of heading down to fetch me. But the family car is old and it is a very risky proposition. They are not sure where I was living either. Once that is done, I switched my attention to food and drinks. I have to boil water myself and eat something. With injuries on my chin, both palms and the back of my hands. This is going to be hell I told myself. But I have to survive. I have to because that is the thing I should do. I do not have a lot of people to rely on over here. This is the biggest problem of living alone, far from any relatives.

Unfortunately, the day is far from over. The pain that came at night, the very first night, is a few times worst than the pain from the water. Within the span of those several hours, until I could finally close my eyes due to exhaustion, I can only wish for salvation that never came. Next part will come soon. I never plan the contents ahead so if it is the last part, I will include some pictures of my current situation. It is very much better now.

Living nightmare. My accident pt 2

The day itself was long. In my shoes, it was never ending. Now, where was I?

As my colleague escorted me to his car, I tried my best to avoid staining the seat with my blood. My mind is very much awake as I explained what happened and asked where are we going next. Apparently we have to report to the police first before seeking further treatment at the hospital. Worst, we need to travel to the main station at city center. It sounds very much wrong but at that point I just take it as the correct answer since I have no experience in hit and run accidents and the procedures that follow. Thankfully the painkillers were doing a great job and I managed to maintain my composure throughout the journey as I try to hide my injuries. Imagine if you were driving beside and you saw someone pale and bloodied staring back with dead eyes. Needless to say it was horrible.

Next, imagine the driver getting a bit lost. The horribly injured man have to dig his phone and hold the navigator. I cannot be bothered to complain because I simply want to get treated soonest possible and that means lodging the police report first. Finally we made it there but another funny thing happened. I am supposed to walk in there myself as he went off to find parking. However, I guess there isn't much choice either. And so, with blood still fresh, I hobbled into the police station with people staring and curious people asking questions. I went through the door and to my horror there were a lot of people. I limped to an empty spot and just collapsed there. Needless to say, the officers there did not even bat an eyelid. Thankfully, my colleague came in after a while and we found out I can actually seek treatment first and lodge the report at the police box in the hospital. Away we go.

 At the hospital the same thing happened. I limped through the emergency ward entrance and approached the first counter I saw. The officer is helpful and asked me to sit down there while he tends to his current case. Another health worker came by, asked about my condition and got me a wheelchair. I never sat on a wheelchair before. Can't say I was never curious but the price to pay is indeed too great. As I waited, suddenly a group of doctors in training walked in. I guess it is a common sight since this is an university hospital. They stared at me. To them, I must look like an interesting specimen. At this point, I could not be bothered anymore. The officer finished my initial registration and 2 helpful trainee doctors pushed me towards the next counter. At the same time, my colleague came in.

I was assigned a number and my colleague pushed me to the waiting area for outpatient treatment. I do not qualify for emergency treatment since I am very much conscious and without relatively serious injuries. I mean all my limbs are still intact at least. Since outpatient includes your everyday elderly uncle or sickly kids, it was very uncomfortable to be there to say the least. Staring is one thing but you get a lot of noise too. I started to get used to the pain. Maybe I am just numb. It felt like forever before my number flashed and I was rolled into the ward. The doctor in charge looked young. Too young in fact. But who am I to doubt the capabilities of one deemed qualified to be treating me? She peeled away some of the bandages to check the extent of the injuries. Hurt like hell. Asked me to try clenching both fists, move my arms and legs. Hurt like hell. Then she applied pressure to my chest and my stomach to try and detect internal injuries. Awkward. Like.

Once the diagnosis is finished, I was prescribed x-ray to check my wrist and skull, and a jab of painkillers on my butt. We went for the painkillers first. I have never gotten a needle to my butt. But how can it compare to the pain I am suffering currently I thought. It went better than expected and we went to wait for x-ray. I was staring at people and they stared back. Finally it was my turn and I was expecting a much more professional approach. They simply asked me to close my eyes when they are trying to take a x-ray of my skull. I think if I were to open my eyes even a bit I would be blinded for life. Wouldn't a special blindfold be much more reassuring and secure? I was rolled away when they are done, very unimpressed. Now we need to get back to the doctor to see the x-ray results.

My skull and wrist is safe and so I was given 3 days of medical leave, painkillers from the pharmacy and some wound cleaning at a separate ward. My colleague tried to ask for more leave but she claimed that is the max they are permitted to grant. I simply kept quiet. At the wound cleaning ward, my colleague went off to line up for the pharmacy and subsequently settle the bill while I waited for their shift to change. It was lunchtime. It has been around 4 hours since the accident. I am still complaining at least. Managed to have a chat with another patient waiting after me. He and his son were involved in an accident and his son was admitted into emergency arm due to a broken arm. He escaped with scrapes and bruises. I wished him well as the health officer asked me to enter. To my surprise, he simply dabbed yellow lotion and promptly escorted me out. The wounds are left fresh and raw, without dressing. What the hell?

That's it for today. I will blog again soonest possible. New job is very tiring.

I asked for change. My accident pt 1

After sitting here for 30 minutes thinking about starting this long overdue blog post, I realized that what happened in the past month was something I wanted in a very indirect way. A while back I was getting sick of the monotony of it all and wished there will be change. My life changed. Both for better and for worst, surprisingly. Before I get to the subject matter, I skipped October because there really isn't much worth blogging about. There is progress in gym but hardly noticeable. I guess I have hit a plateau in appearance for now. But thanks to the change in my life recently, the December schedule is impossible now. I wanted to give myself a birthday present by achieving something at the gym. Sounds lame but hey it is something.

The good change is actually me landing a new job at hopefully a better place with better pay. Yes, after more than 2 years of reading about how I hated my job, maybe I will be able to love my new job. No guarantees though. Maybe there will be different problems. My boss was not surprised though. And I pity my colleague who needs to pick up after me. Not that my work is horrible but there is so much to follow up. I am proud to say I did a lot of stuff but so did my colleague. Now her responsibilities more than doubled-up. Regarding my new job, I am still involved in online development but at a different area. This time it is focused on cloud computing. For the tech-savvy, I will be working on Software as a Service products. I will be starting on November 11 so it is both exciting and nerve-wracking. How will things turn out?

As for the bad, I was involved in a motorcycle accident. No broken bones but I will get to that later. What I want to do now is basically chronicle the entire incident for my personal reference. This is not something I want to forget. It was Tuesday, 22 October 2013. I just handed in my resignation letter less than a week ago but I will be leaving on the 31st so my focus is on preparing documentation for some stuff that I did and am currently doing. Anyway I wasn't early nor late on the day and traffic was okay. As I cruise along, a line of cars appeared waiting for the traffic light further down the road so I kept to the left. The cars can cut out the right side but usually people cut in instead. I thought I was safe. I was wrong. There is no left turning except for one near the petrol station. People might use it as a detour to the front of the line. Thinking it was just any other day, I paid no heed as I approached the turning while maintaining a steady speed forward. Then a taxi turned and hit me.

Last thing I remembered was struggling to maintain balance then grimacing for the fall. I had no idea what happened next. I opened my eyes to see blood everywhere as I tried to make sense of my surroundings. I tried to search for my bag as I carried my personal laptop on that day. The pain has not set in yet. Still in a daze I could hear a lot of noise as people from a constructions side nearby approached to help. Then someone tapped me on the shoulder to my surprise. It was an auntie who was behind the taxi earlier and she told me the taxi ran away. I do not remember much but somehow I ended up asking her to take me to a nearby clinic for help. They said I have to go to the hospital but at that moment I could only think of the clinic near my office. My thoughts empty as I got into her car while trying very hard not to stain it with blood.

Thankfully I was able to direct her to the clinic without incident though once I started thinking again, I was terrified at the extent of my injuries. She stopped her car as she rushed to the clinic on second floor while I wait. It was a horrible feeling. Thankfully the adrenaline kept me awake and the pain minimal. Once she returned, she helped me into the lift. Luckily nobody else was around. As I was escorted into the treatment room the doctor started to analyze my wounds and the nurses got to work cleaning up to the best of the capabilities. The pain sets in and I start to feel dizzy and nauseous. It is here. This is not my first accident so I know the symptoms of adrenaline pullback all too well. As I grit my teeth and endured the pain while trying to do what the doctor says, one of the nurse mentioned 'Doctor, there is so much blood'.

They cut skin and dabbed antiseptic. The pain numbed everything. The doctor gestured to the nurse for painkillers and to take good care of my palms knowing that it is central to all hand movement and vital for recovery. The nurse asked if I had my breakfast yet and I promptly said no. At that moment I am basically begging for painkillers or alcohol solution. The pain is beyond numbness. I wanted everything to just go away. It was beyond my mental capacity. Breakfast is the least of my concern. But in a deep corner of my brain I thought, I would be eating breakfast on my table as usual, if only. It stops there. Nothing can change the fact I am lying here with pain coursing through my entire body, cursing everything I know.

Once the first aid is done, I was escorted out of the treatment room. Still in a daze as to what happened I sat at the waiting area. Instead of wasting time complaining I contacted my colleagues for help. I thank the lady, got her number and told her my colleague is on his way. She wished me well and she left me there. I can't possibly ask her to stay with me. But I felt something weird. Eyes. Everyone there is staring at me. Looking. I felt horrible. I cannot hide. I cannot do anything. Time passed slowly as I waited for my colleague. They were whispering. I felt very uncomfortable. However, little did I know that this is the beginning of my nightmare. When someone I recognize came through the front door, I felt relieved. Finally. To say that he was shocked at my condition is an understatement.

That's it for part 1. It's already quite long. I will continue tomorrow hopefully.

My take on fate

You do not change fate, fate changes you. You cannot change reality, reality changes you.

That is the conclusion I came to today. It answered many things. Fate does not dictate how you live. Fate is a destination. What you do there is up to you. For example, fate brought you to Kuala Lumpur. You can return to Ipoh or you can stay and work. So you only adapt. We were given the illusion that we could control our own fate just because we are allowed to make decisions. No, we follow the flow of coincidence and circumstance. We sculpt our life by living within the boundaries of reality. We decide what to eat, who to talk to and where to go but we will eventually arrive at a predetermined location or situation that is the culmination of everything else around us. That is fate. That is reality. Once the situation hits you, you cannot change the situation anymore but just progress from the situation.

My fate? I guess my fate is to stay alone. I still have no idea if I am that annoying or simply not approachable. Many things happened but today is seriously the tipping point. Never have I gotten so emotional since breaking down in the hostel toilet many years ago. All I could think is that this is how it should be. This is unavoidable. One place after another, one group of people after another. There is no mistaking it, I am bound to end up isolated. Everyone walk around in groups, with people, sit together and chat. Eat together. Not for me. I know there is definitely a reason why people are avoiding me but nobody is telling me about it either. So I do not deserve to know what I have been doing wrong either? I have tried many things. I have grown mellow. I try to practice what I preach, become more understanding and patient. Becoming more generous. But all is for naught I guess. I cannot change anything.

I did not accept this. I wanted to fight on. Now I just want to know, if my definition of fate is correct and if it is truly my fate to be alone. Then I will accept it and live my life knowing that it is really how it should be. I have always been bothered by my lack of finances. And I understand people do not care about that. It is my problem to solve. And if I do not cough up the dough, I will be dropped, easy as that. Of course it is done in subtlety. One outing after another, until I can hold on no longer. Same thing with transport and everything else. It is my problem that I can't go long distance or in the rain. It is my problem that I have trouble with a particular someone. I always told myself, perhaps this place is not suitable for me. The thinking of the people itself is different. I am the odd one out. It is not my fate to be here. But is that really so? Is everyone the same? Let's hope not.

I was so emotionally distraught that I could not concentrate on my work after the incident. My thoughts torn asunder by the maelstrom of feelings, I can only engage myself in chatting to keep myself distracted. Somehow I have always been able to maintain proper control when dealing with others. The chaos subsided but has not gone away. Thankfully there is the gym. What would I do without it? My thoughts sorted, it is time to turn the stress to strength. Now my arms are weak but my soul rejuvenated. As I type this blog, my mind winces in pain but it is not hurt by the memories. Complete memories of certain events. Both a bane and a boon.

Well how did you like that? Always wanted to write in a dramatic way. I guess that is all for now. Had fun riding on the creative train to jot down my thoughts and feelings actually. Oh yeah, I will disable the video autoplay thing. I guess forcing it is no good. Hopefully things will pick up again. Have a nice day. Or might as well have a nice month. Nobody wishes another like that before right?

Short Update

If you noticed, I missed the monthly update. I assure you my body is still fit but there are no noticeable changes and thus I decided against spamming people with a topless picture. I had a long holiday lately and figure out some things. For example I actually have multiple facets to my personality but the one I enjoy the most is the one I show to my Ipoh friends. No reservations, nothing fake and all around laughter and just being merry. Here in KL I speak English, less jokes, less swearing and all around much more gloomier. Imagine that even I myself find it rather bad. Thankfully my work productivity improved by leaps and bounds. Hopefully it will last a while. I still feel like I should be paid more for the work I do. But that is very much up for debate. Things are still as ridiculous as ever in the office.

It was very enjoyable going to gym with friends. Most of the time I go gym alone here in KL. I am not familiar with the other colleagues that go and our levels are very different. Either they are too strong or just a beginner. So you cannot enjoy a competitive session. Furthermore the gym I went to in Ipoh has much more equipment. I have also started playing badminton again. If you know me well enough, I am very competitive and realizing that I am so weak is really getting on my nerves. However, I do not have the resources to truly start training. At least I need to buy a new shoe and get my badminton racquet strings checked. They were strung 10 years ago and most of the shots I hit have a very blunt sound. Perhaps maintenance is in order.

During my holiday I was exposed to movie hopping as well as old Chinese songs. Well not exactly old but they are not recent. If you noticed, I have changed the background song and I really like the lyrics. Never realized there is a song with lyrics that are so close to my heart. And the girl is quite pretty too with a very strong voice. She is not the original singer but her rendition is great. Perhaps she is a bit too cheerful for such a song but well just enjoy it nonetheless. I guess I enjoy wallowing in my sorrow. Apparently it is a defensive move, albeit a wrong one, that our subconsciousness takes to deal with the real world. If you are always sad, then disappointment won't hit you so hard. Or something like that. Movie hopping is way cheaper than bar hopping. Basically you just enter with your ticket but you do not come out. Yes, you wander around the cinema by going back the door you came in. And you enter another hall and another. Just need to be shameless when people say you are sitting at their seats. I guess the security in Ipoh is pretty loose or perhaps people just never thought about doing it. I won't be attempting it frequently that's for sure.

I guess that's it for the short update. I have much to say, but I always end up blank when I sit down in front of the laptop.

Yaegers and...other thoughts

Just came back from the cinema, having watched Pacific Rim. Unlike the other attendees, my reaction was rather different. Instead of being at awe and still immersed in the movie, I only felt like learning boxing or something. I mean putting your guard up has never looked so awesome. Other than that, perhaps the movie was overhyped by my colleagues and friends, I feel it was just okay. Did not have the intention of going in for another round at all. I was hoping for something more spectacular. I mean come on, rocket fist was not the finisher? The China Yaeger was not based on Shaolin kung fu but hipster triplets with saw blades? At least reflect the country's culture. Maybe I really am expecting too much. And Mako Mari was rocking her screentime until she said 'For my family!'. I mean really? It is a respectable homage to cheesy anime I guess. Maybe I play too much games and watch too much crazy anime. They do not have super moves and everything else. Since the movie is already based on something cheesy, bring it all the way man.

If you people were wondering, I went there alone. Like I always do. But as I walked home, loneliness struck as I pondered how nice it would be if I could share my afterthoughts immediately instead of coming here, to the blog. The walk is not long at all but just one of those what if moments. Being able to share is always nice. Not only it means you have companions, but you have enough to share. You learn more about yourself as you go about to do things. From this movie I made up my mind on something. Since I am so immersed in exercising and fitness, maybe I should put job satisfaction on the back seat instead. I mean, I work to live, not live to work. Work is merely a means to an end for me. For now, it is impossible to merge both my life and work together since I have many issues with it. So, just kick it out of the top priority standing. Work so that I can live my life the way I want it. I should not stress myself out looking for a job that I can live with. I should concentrate on living my life while working for it. It is but a chore. Not important at all. Maybe this kind of thinking is wrong, but who knows?

Speaking of loneliness, I do feel lonely most of the time. But I also realize something. Maybe I cannot fall in love. Not because of a stupid reason like I could not and shit like that but perhaps I should not. Maybe I just cannot withstand the emotional strain that comes with it. There is no telling that any relationship is going to be successful, that is life. I mean I can't even stand people crying in a drama, let alone someone real that I honestly care about. I have always been a crybaby, ever since young. So perhaps this was arranged for that reason. I mean come on, I am those people that make all kinds of facial expressions watching romance comedy dramas. What makes you think I will not cry my eyes blind if something bad happens? It is very scary for me. Currently I am watching a drama based in the hospital. Sickness is unpredictable. But the helplessness of seeing your loved one slowly die is very much real. I can just imagine it. A doctor's worst nightmare is to see someone you know becoming a patient. For the first time, I was thankful that I am not a doctor. With the way reality have been acting so far, I am almost sure it will happen to me as well.

Of course not every bad thing will become reality. I am already 26 going on to 27 this year with all my limbs intact and hopefully no terminal disease. My family is fine so far as well, thank you. This world is a scary place. The more you know, and the more you realize, the more you fear. I was so depressed when I was going to get my driver's licence and realized that no matter how good a driver you are, you will still die due to the negligence of others. Nowadays, it is not that I stop caring, but you can only do so much. The rest, seriously, you have to leave it to god, reality or whatever it is that you believe. I have plenty of thoughts like this all the time. But I still could not wrap my head around using my new phone to jot things down. Quite a hassle really to dig for it. I already lived a quarter century without one, so pardon me for taking time to get accustomed to being always connected. It is rather funny when I still wait for people or food without whipping out my phone because I forgot I could now. Well perhaps it is a good thing. At least I won't turn out to be one of those rude assholes anytime soon.

2013 first half recap!!

Instead of answering one of the questions, I decided to ask myself, what have I achieved so far? Have I accomplished anything? Have I gotten closer to my goals? How should I live out the second half of 2013? I believe the recent short break in Ipoh has helped me answer most of the questions. Throughout it all, I think I have done my best. There really isn't much room for me to make things better unless I am ready to take a bigger risk and it is something that I really try to avoid most of the time. I know it sounds ridiculous as I portray myself as a reckless person but when it involves my livelihood stability or family, I take a step back and try to make the best decision at that point of time. My complaints about people? It only means they are expendable. If I cherish someone, I would not bad mouth or complain. If I like something, I will not talk about the negative points. Obviously now, I do not like any of those people in my previous posts.

To summarize things very briefly, in this 6 months I have managed to build up my body. I have managed to publish an article under my company. I have managed to attend a meeting with the higher ups. I believe I have gained a sizable amount of knowledge and experience. I have seen many things, worthy of the time spent. I observed people and see their true colors. I have learnt how to cook several new dishes while enjoying good food occasionally at restaurants, further expanding my palate. I kept my word to call back home frequently and to treat my parents to dinner whenever I go back Ipoh. I have invested in many items that I could only imagine previously. I now have a good pillow, good earphones, a smartphone, a proper pair of running shoes and a proper diet routine. Most importantly in this 6 months I have been able to keep myself healthy, and avoided any major accidents or incidents. I think I can move forward towards the second half of 2013 with an open heart, knowing I have done better than some to the best of my capabilities.

So what have you done in these 6 months? Before I end this post, I have decided to remove another person from my Facebook list after much deliberation. Comparing you with the rest of the people I know, there is no reason for you to behave that way. At least that is how I felt through our conversations in Facebook. And now, I only feel awkward whenever I see you in my contact list. I think my presence will not be missed so I will gladly take my leave before things deteriorate further. I have no idea how to fix things since our last exchange. I tried but apparently my words were much too harsh. We are after all two very different people. I can only wish for your health and for your future marriage. May you and your partner live long and prosper. And I will not mind if you come over and laugh at me when I am in the hospital or at my deathbed. This is purely my choice and you have no responsibility whatsoever. I deserved whatever that comes my way and what happens after. Well maybe I do not, but if there is a higher power, somehow they will have a reason for it. Else? Shit happens. I am not different from everyone, just an average person trying to live my life in this reality, in this world, searching for happiness. And that evasive soul mate.

Facebook purge!

Here is the second question I am going to answer in no particular answer. To those interested in the original article, here you go:

2. What cuts you the deepest?

As most of you know, there are many things that I hate and most of it are things I have no control over. I see them as an annoyance but perhaps to you, it is entirely normal. Most importantly, I have identified that it is people that cuts me the deepest. I dare say I have never been hurt by a software, hardware, my motorcycle or my phone. They are not capable of it. I have no feelings for them. And they do not have their own thinking or opinion. Of course I have stubbed my toe on the bed post before. But that is just physical pain that will heal over time. The pain that I am referring to are scars for life. Things you will remember for the rest of your hopefully awesome life. Betrayal by your best friend, being rejected, being isolated, being wronged, all of them involves another person. And words alone have no power. But when spoken by the one you love, by the one you care about, a simple tease may just turn into the biggest insult. 

I have mentioned that I will delete people from my Facebook list, and I will do it. I do not think they will read any of this, but let me just get it off my chest. 黑鸡, I still remember the day you asked me if I have Whatsapp. I have it now you know. But you have hurt me more than you can ever imagine. It was my fortune for knowing you. You have been a great influence in my life. However I know I am not good enough for you. I know I am not rich enough, not capable enough and not good looking enough. Never have I thought that even friendship will cost money. Am I really not worth the few cents for a message? You can use your smartphone with Facebook right? You could have just kept in touch with me via Facebook. Why didn't you? Do you really hate me that much? Do I disgust you? Was being friends just my naive perception? I guess it is good that I can finally say goodbye now. I just want to tell you, I have Whatsapp now.

To the other people I used to know that judge me as worth less than a few cents, I have Whatsapp now. You can contact me for free now. Another few people that I am going to delete from my list are people who only talk to me when they need another Like or to do their web survey. So I am only good for that? I hope you lose. I hope you end up losing everything. I just wanted to know more about what you are doing now, where are you staying and just mainly to catch up. I guess your time is too precious for me. I understand. That will be my last time doing a favor for you. Consider our friendship paid in full. Well I guess you don't really care about it in the first place. If you did not win whatever it is you are participating in even with a thousand contacts, you are no better than me. And I am glad there are more people who see you for what you truly are.

Even acknowledgement is given by another person. And so is the lack of it. Everything is caused by another human being. But I cannot live alone because I am not perfect and I do not wish to be. Things will cease to excite me when I already know everything and did everything. Food taste better if you share they say. It is funny that whatever that cuts me the deepest also brings me the most joy. You can only feel happy because of another human being as well. Even if you feel happy for yourself, it is because you did something for another person, stranger or otherwise. You have another purpose except yourself when there is another person in the picture. This truth is not something that I am not aware of. We have always been walking side by side. Sometimes one side is louder than the other. Things will balance itself out, provided you give chances and enough time. I might sound like I contradict myself, but I love my life. I just hate the things that make it worst than it has to. 

Monthly update!

I will make this a short one mostly because I am feeling very lazy. Seems like my energy has been sapped by all the happenings around me lately. To start things out, I received monetary bonus at the end of May and thus am able to invest in several items. It might seem luxurious to you, but most of the old ones are already at the breaking point. The only completely new stuff I bought are multivitamin supplements and whey protein powder. They cost quite a lot too.

Note to everyone that may attempt stepping on my pair of new shoes. I will destroy you. They are very comfortable to run in and it helps with my new 3km treadmill per day requirement. The multivitamins are kind of a risky investment because I could have ended up incompatible with it. However, my body seems to be okay with it, even though the color of my pee is now almost neon yellow whenever I consume it. The whey protein tastes surprisingly good. I would drink more if I could but I do not want to overload my body especially with the multivitamin supplement now. I do not take either of them on Sunday but occasionally I will get a drink on Saturday especially when I still feel the pain from a Friday workout.

Well as you can see from the pictures, my back and shoulder is still gaining which is good. But my front view is the same as usual. I have more lines on my forearms now but that does not mean shit. I am actually okay with the size of my arms now, hoping only to make it more defined and chunky. Currently I am trying to slim down by skipping rice for lunch. It will take quite some time to actually have a visible effect because I believe the leftover fat are the toughest ones. I can do most abdominal exercises without difficulty except for the truly challenging like the dragon flag or full body ab wheel. 

Yes I am camwhoring using my new phone. Anyway my abdominals are much more visible at an angle. As you can see, with all the flesh around, my abdominals are true muscles. Not the skinny 6-pack kind. In July, I will tweak my diet a bit further as well as some of my exercise routines. I will try to slow down instead. Or maybe I will increase the weight resistance. I am doing v-ups while holding a 10kg disc with my hands. Perhaps my form is not accurate so it feels easier than it should be. It is quite sad that the office gym do not have a proper chin up bar for me to do hanging leg raises. I have never attempted it. We do have the dips bar but it feels like you are working your arms and shoulders more than your abs when you try doing it. 

I guess this is it from me. I will answer another of the 7 questions of life soon. Last note, I am heading back Ipoh this weekend to chill down a bit. I think I am obviously suffering from burn out. Both from work and life in KL. It is hard stuff you know?

A letter?

Today a friend of mine shared a website : http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-7-questions-that-tell-you-who-you-are/
The questions made me think a bit and I will answer them here at my own pace.

3. If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

This is a very common question and everyone will definitely have different answers. As you may have guessed, I will write a letter. And then spend everything in my savings account. Anyway, a letter to my family would be too private to be published, so here is a letter to someone I love. Please do not take this seriously. This is just something fun I decided to do.

Hi!

I hope this letter will find you healthy and well. However, the same cannot be said for me. By the time you read this, I would have already passed away. I am sorry if you find this scary or offensive but my only intention of sending this letter is to say thank you. Thank you for everything that you have done, everything that you are and everything that you will be. So please, read this letter.

I was just like any other youth before I got to know you. The first time I saw you, I find that you are very attractive with quite the personality in your petite body. As your popularity increases, I also got to know you better. Soon, I find myself finding an interest in you as a person. The story of your life, your struggles and your passion grew on me and inspired me. Not only have you gotten my attention, you have my respect as well. You have worked hard all these years, sacrificed so much and I felt so small upon learning it. I felt that for me to even stand in the same room as you are, I have to be a better person, a better man. Aside from cheering for you among the crowd, I too doubled my efforts in my work as I try to change and to grow. 

Constantly finding myself inadequate, I suddenly have an insatiable appetite to gain knowledge, learn skills and look better. I exercised hard as I remember how you spend so many hours a day just to perfect your craft. I worked hard to improve myself, aspiring to be one of the best in the field as you are in yours. And amidst everything you will be there smiling, having fun with your friends at work. There seems to be never a dull moment in your life. Always so bright, always so cheerful. You remind me to be happy and to be strong. I chase after news about you, curious about your well-being, curious about the adventures that you have. Without realizing it, as I chase after your shadow, I fell in love with you.

Since you are so popular, I am sure this does not come as a surprise. Even though you deny it most of the time, I am sure many guys have approached you. It didn't take long for me to realize we are just impossible. You don't even know me. But I am still glad to have known you. Without you, I might have been stuck as just another guy on the street. I may not have gotten so far. It is too bad that my journey has to stop here though, I was thinking of dropping by at your hometown and maybe bumping into you. So here I am, to thank you for what you have done and for being who you are. And I hope you will continue being you, continue to be a role model for some, and continue to bring laughter and smiles to everyone that knows you. You have been the best person I have ever known thus far. Once again, thank you for everything.

The actions of one person might touch the hearts of others. You just never know. What she has done for me, is second only to my parents. This post took me 3 hours to write. I hope I don't have to send this letter for real though. I plan to live longer. Please?

Ending...for now

Little did I know, this blog is both my salvation and also my downfall. No, I did not get death threats, did not get fired from my job or lose any friends. Yet. Or they are damn good actors setting me up. Anyway, I realize that by blogging, I am feeding my negative emotions. When I blog, I tend to relive the 'event' in order to describe it as accurately as possible. That means I will remember my feelings and perhaps even intensify it as I write it out. Sort of like the 'counting' effect during an argument. They say the worst thing you can do is to count out all the bad stuff that you endured or suffered and magnify the scope of the argument. I guess I needed to chill out and reflect more often. Of course you will say that we tend to feel good after letting it all out but usually that involves another ear in the vicinity. You get instant feedback and it feels like your 'burden' gets shared. In the blog, there is only me, facing all the demons. So nothing gets resolved or dispersed. It also helps to have an outsider's opinion because you can be stuck in your own point of view and missed an important perspective. I am going to stop blogging about issues and problems for a while and try to blow off the steam somewhere else and see how things go. For all I know, I might be back here next week.

It is unavoidable that one may get annoyed at a daily basis. It is a fact of life, just like how everybody is different in the smallest of ways. Add to the daily challenges of work and unexpected events, you get a recipe of piping hot anger. I wish somebody could teach me about all this philosophies instead of me learning it the hard way. You always remember the difficulties you face so I guess you could say it is a lesson well learnt for a relatively small fee. I have come to terms about many things. But I also refuse to let go of many other things as well. Some I still believe in. Some I am just plain stubborn. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and the principles they live by right? If it is really wrong, let the law punish them. Otherwise it is just a matter of social acceptance. Since this is the reality that we cannot change, then the best way to handle things is to prevent them from happening in the first place. At the cost of having less friends at least you will not spend so much time and effort sorting relationships out. If everyone is a prick like where I am right now, then just choose those that are less prickish. Unless you have a very good reason, usually we do not hug cacti.

Before I sign off, there is something bugging me for a while. Most of you will just roll your eyes as I venture into the questions of life but this time, it might be interesting for everybody. If there really is hell, and hell serves as punishment, why do we have no memory of it? Basically punishment is to inflict a bad experience associated with something you did so that you will not attempt the same thing again. But if we do not remember what we did or the punishment, how are we going to learn? Hoping we will choose a different path by just wiping our memory is wishful thinking whereas completely destroying our existence after punishment is a waste. I mean why bother punishing if we are not allowed to repent? Might as well just throw us into oblivion from the get go. Unless, reincarnation never happens and we never get out of hell. I wonder if you will get reincarnated if you end up in heaven or not. Maybe you will be sent to Earth as a celestial superhero to bring good to humankind. Being a good soul naturally, you will end your 'tour' of Earth back in heaven after touching the lives of many others, acting on behalf of the powers that be. That will be a true test of faith since you will be wiped once you are sent to Earth. Will you be worthy of re-entry? If we treat souls as a limited resource, the system doesn't seem to be very fair. Well there is always Armageddon to reset things.

I was contemplating about my actions and karma and stuff and ended up with my personal take on heaven and hell. I find it quite interesting since it is a honest deduction from the logic of a non-believer. I do pray to the gods in Buddhism but not really religious. Gods are a symbol and I prefer to keep them as that. Even though I do ask for luck and pray when I am anxious, I have to argue it is just something for my mental state to fall back on. Holding everything in your hands is a very heavy burden. One can easily be crushed so usually we come up with a survival mechanism of sorts for our mind and soul. Soul is a touchy matter and I will leave it to a future post. The next one will hopefully be my month end post. I dare say that taking whey protein and multivitamins is one of the best body-building decisions I have made thus far. I do not think those products are very healthy in the long run so I intend to reduce my intake once I am done with my pursuit of strength. Yes, you can mark my words, I will stop. If you think that those stuff is making me go crazy recently, I have to disagree with that. They contain a lot of vitamins and stuff I have never even heard of, but hormones are not part of the prescription. This is not merely a mood swing phenomenon or mid-career crisis. I have barely started my career actually. There is still chance for a miracle to happen. Anytime now.

Showing restraint

I thought the shitstorm was over. But the way I see it, the fan is full of it. Can't say I have been through worst but this is not a walk in the park either. You can imagine how disappointed I am when I was careless enough to make a big mistake in my work and forcing a major part of the system to malfunction for at least one and a half days. I am not proud of it, but in my defense, it was stupid to put dependencies on another database altogether. It is like putting your pants in your shirt compartment in the closet. Sure, it is harmless but if I tell someone to clear my shirt compartment, I can say goodbye to my pants. Okay, this is a bad comparison but at least I tried. I am not denying the blame. You can put in on my tab. I will be damned if I let this junk stress me out. Following up after another is something that everyone hates. Because it wasn't your fault, it is not your responsibility nor is it your job. In this place, it is a different story altogether. You have to do what you are ordered to do. It does not have to make sense, as long as you deliver on time. Most of the time your vision or solution contradicts with the existing one, you bring it up, management too busy with their awesome meetings, simply tells you to do what you have to do, whatever that means. Being lost is an understatement. Just make sure it is ready by deadline.

I actually had 2 more paragraphs done, but I chose to delete them. What I write here are my personal feelings and how actions by others serve to hurt me. I never intend to hurt anybody or anything for that matter. After reading it again, I think I myself need to set the line. My emotions are a bit unstable right now so I feel it is best not to do anything too hasty. But I am not going to pull down my previous posts or apologize for anything I have posted thus far unless I am threatened by something substantial. Things seem very dire to me. Each passing day I feel so tired going through the routine. How much more should I take before people start assuming I am a stubborn idiot? This is not something noble nor is it something worthwhile. You think the bloody fools are going to thank me? It is simply fate that me and the rest who are in similar position to be here. I do not feel this is the place where I belong right now. I know everyone feels the same every now and then but how much longer must I endure? It is already the end of June and I have already gotten my increment and bonus. Must I really go through with this? It may hurt a lot of people. If you are wondering, I am not bombing anything so you can put down the phone. Maybe I am just too kind. A few more days to think at least.

One thing for sure, this project better work. Make it worth everything. Or you can just show me how futile my efforts are. And I will show you how vengeful I can be.

Toilets and bullshit

When people mention toilets, the general population can only think of dirty stinking cubicles and unpleasant experiences. It is no secret that public toilets are poorly maintained due to numerous factors that I think you can figure out yourself. But why must one suffer even at home after work. I am talking about my rental room. If you rent a room, you cannot avoid sharing the toilet unless you rent the master room. But even then, you still have to share the rest of the house with everybody else. Back to toilets, sometimes if it is dirty, you can't even blame anybody because you will not find out who was the previous user unless you install a CCTV. Therefore I have made a resolution for myself. Even before I buy a car, I resolve to rent a place where I can actually enjoy staying in. No more waiting for bathroom, no more cleaning up after others and no more morning rush. Seriously people, why do I even bother owning a Ferrari if I don't even have a proper place to stay? I cannot take a dump in a Ferrari. I cannot sleep comfortably in a Ferrari. It is simply an overpriced piece of extravagant hardware. But please, don't let me stop you from buying one. I bet you can find all sorts of things to do with it. You can drive fast and then you can fetch people and drive fast to impress them. Awesome right?

In an argument we usually hear all kinds of stupid comebacks. While trying to be a good employee, you might find yourself providing opinions on how things can be improved to your seniors. Maybe they find this offensive because they like to ask me to do it myself since I am so clever. And so I learnt a few things while working in my current company. Firstly, everyone does not like opinions on how we can make the company rich and everyone getting a big fat performance bonus in return. No, they don't like it at all. Perhaps they hate the performance bonus more. I mean it is so troublesome to suddenly have so much money right? I bet it must be difficult planning your budget after all that. Secondly, they find it admirable to do things by yourself if the person in charge is incompetent. Therefore, the next time the fried noodles taste bad and you think it could use a bit more seasoning, don't bother complaining. Just push the owner away and do it yourself. Well, this is my take. The owner was paid to cook something nice and I deserve to complain right? And the company made you the best person to make marketing and sales decision that will determine the fate of the product that I developed right? What if I tell you that your decision sucks and everything is going down the drain now? Am I supposed to just sit and not care? I could have just take this upstairs and see how you like it.

They also like to modify quotes of wisdom to exert their own intelligence. Let me share with you the exact same phrase : Ask not what the company can do for you, Ask what you can do for the company. I have delivered every project, fulfilled my responsibility as an application developer, provided ideas, volunteered for career fairs, attended workshops and bonded well with other colleagues. What else can I do for the company? Help the marketing team with brainstorming? Done. Promote our product with the sales team? Done. What else do you want an application developer to do? Sweep the floor? Is it wrong for me to ask that the company fulfill my expectations? Is it wrong to ask that I get compensation if you require me to go above and beyond the task of an application developer? What else do you want from me? Charity? This is a gigantic corporation and you dare to ask me for charity? Can you promise me a better bonus? Nay. Can you promise this will help me get promoted? Nay. Can you promise me a brighter future? Nay. Then why the hell would I want to dunk my head in the water just because you ask me to? Because I should do so for the company? Lately, I figured out what I can do for the company. Maybe I can suggest to the higher ups how we can do something about you and me.

I am not sure if you know, but I am a conversationalist. I analyze conversations and remember them. Word by word. I can quote something 7 years ago and you will be scratching your head. Well, of course you don't know. You do not care. In this company, we also like to share the blame. Because we are family. Because we are colleagues. Why the expletive must I take the hit when I have completed the project according to your specifications. I even came up with suggestions on how to make it better. It should be your problem if you choose to ignore it. But, the responsibility was somehow dispersed and people who wasn't even involved with the project suddenly plays a factor. Everyone is not pro-active in providing solutions. Everyone is not working hard enough. Are you sure? We told you about the issues we found during a brainstorming session a few months back. Now, when an external consultant tells you the same thing, it becomes fact. Honestly, how disappointing can you get? Do you know why people don't tell you anything anymore? Because we gave up trying. If we complain to you, you will just blame it on the company. So easy right? You were just following orders. There is nothing you can do about it. I am sure you would like to help us right? Here is an original quote from me : He who only follows blindly, shall never lead.

Lastly, if you really want to quote, take it from here: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Leadership

Cheers folks! Damn this is one of the best posts ever.

Simmering quietly...

How many of you are religious? Be ready to get offended then. I hate zealots. I really do. Those that preach and spread the word of their religion everywhere without consideration. Those that criticize the religions of others or condemn non-believers. Back in university, one of them actually said I will surely go to hell if I do not enter their religion. If a religion was proven to be any better than the other, there would not be such a variety in the first place. If there was definite proof to what they preach, it would not be a religion anymore, but a fact that everyone has to accept. Any religion that curse non-believers to hell is no religion of mine that is for sure. This phenomena is not limited to religion only. You can find it in many different scenarios. Take insurance salesmen. One counter argument usually ends up with a flurry of facts and statistics that you don't even know existed. And they are very persistent. If they are desperate or see you as a potential convert, they will find you and hunt you down. Same thing with people working with pyramid schemes. Maybe that is why so many people got caught in it. Because that is the human psyche.

And most of the people I deny end up offended because I did not submit. That they were thinking of my welfare and they wanted me to benefit from the greatness of whatever it is they are preaching about. I appreciate it but if I show resistance from the start, I assumed you get the hint. Call me stupid but this is humanity. Look at all the people out there still smoking or not exercising. It is a proven fact that exercising makes you healthy and smoking can kill you and still people refuse to listen, citing many lifestyle reasons. I would just group you together with those people who do not understand or people who have different opinions. You can argue until the sun rises from the west that Apple products are the best and I still will consider my options. What works for you may not work for me. What is priority to you, may not be a priority to me. Stop applying your standards on me. The very argument that I do not 'see' your point simply means you are insulting my intelligence. And the word I hate the most is being called stupid. Most if not all the arguments are based on big probabilities. If heaven and hell exists, if I survive the next accident, if I am switching to graphic design. Your possibilities are very much next to chances of me hitting the lottery or this is actually The Matrix. Worst of the lot are friends who turned into zealots. If our relationship is that fragile, then leave it. To my friends who remained as a friend till the very end, thank you.

From people who care, we also have people who do not give a shit. Especially those in the position of power. Do you know how frustrating it is to be helpless whereas people who can make a change just close their eyes and be ignorant? What happened to 'With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility' you collective pile of dung? Why do you not care? We are all in this together you know? Furthermore, since you do not care, you dare to complain when things go downhill? Whose fault do you think it is? Do you think everything is going to be alright if you just blame the person on top of you? The same shit will come trickling down again. Why do you want to fix things when you can prevent the disaster from even happening? If you think the decision is wrong, then voice it out. You are in the position to speak directly and influence the ending. I am not. There is simply no respect for people like this. If you are too busy to care, whose fault is it that you are so busy? Your time management skills or lousy upper management? Are you expecting me to voice out for you? And what is your position again?

Fine then. I hope you will understand if I take action to protect myself. I have nothing to lose. We are all going to hell if this continues anyway. All of us will be out of a job, simply a matter of time. Are you hoping that people will just overlook the issues and somehow the deus ex machina will come and save everyone? Why are you not doing what you are supposed to do? Why can't you aspire to save people instead? Why are you dragging everyone along with your incompetence? Don't bring down the hopes and dreams of everyone else. Of course I will never understand, because I am not the same type of person as you are. It is so much easier to just say yes isn't it? You just want a peaceful working life without politics right? Just follow orders and do your duty. Nothing less nothing more. You won't be blamed if things fall apart right? Because you were merely following orders like a good employee. There will be karma. There is just so much you can sweep under the rug. When the time comes, you will pay in full for everything. The time is near now, since the bosses are checking which department is wasting money. And I will be there with a freaking checklist. You mark my words. I will reveal everything one day. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe it will change everything. Be prepared.

Series ending soon

This may strike a nerve with a lot of people, but I am sure a lot of people wants to see it struck too. I could not bring myself to understand why people ask for opinions and then reject it. Is it entertaining? You get to see this in maximum effect during lunch time. Usually it starts with someone asking what should the group eat. This gets more annoying twice-fold when the person is the one who asked for lunch in the first place. Being the kind person that you are, you dig through your memory and try to recall places and their menus. And now you are enlightened with what the ass does not like to eat or already eaten yesterday. So it either ends with you being pissed off or you continue to be the helpful friend by suggesting more places. Usually, I am not saying it is a certainty, you get rejected again for god knows what stupid excuse. How hard is it to make a decision? We are not weighing on your future or even risking indigestion here. The food all around the area costs more or less the same. Is your head always that empty or you are that afraid of commitment? And surprisingly, both genders do a praise-worthy job.

And we also have the vocal and immediate complainer. I know I complain a lot but this kind of people is in a league of its own. Lousy driver on the road they shoot away. Uncle cross the road slowly, they shoot also. Food come slowly, they complain. Food not tasty, they complain. I feel my energy being sucked away. Do they think they are not cool for being patient? Since when did people look down on considerate people? What did those people do to you? Nobody was harmed, be on your merry way. You can tie this up to the prick above. When somebody recommends a place, and the food is not to their liking, they blame. Nowadays I just fold my hands. Sometimes I even flip when the person gets whiny with almost everything. I am okay with eating the same damn thing day in day out. I am okay with that rude person speaking loudly or that waitress keep on bumping our seats. If small matters like this eats up my time, how the hell will I have enough time for larger exploits? For more important events? Will I be any less dependable or awesome if I just suck it up? I would rather take that risk than appearing like a childish brat.

This daily posts complaining about various aspects of my life will be stopping soon. I am running out of material since I think I have covered most of it. I am sure some of you are entertained by what I write, but I assure you, they are real. If you know me in real life, come over and I will name some people and their various irritating exploits. It is just that things are finally getting to the limit and I just have to do something about it. By writing things down, it is a way to express myself and my innermost feelings. I have never exploded like this. At least not outwardly. Even in the blog I tend to be wallowing in self-pity. Now I feel like a free man. Instead of blaming only myself and fate, I will start blaming others for a change. If anyone is offended by this, I will not apologize. This is my blog, first and foremost, and I could have chosen to only share this in my various public domain accounts instead of Facebook. You wouldn't even know this blog existed and how I feel. If you feel like you have to do something about it, write a blog about it. And don't share it out. Just keep it to yourself and giggle with your friends about how horrible I am. I do not think I am a coward for not revealing the names, I am just not that cruel or stupid. For everything that I stand for, I still respect privacy and personal space. Why do I want to spoil the lives of others? Wouldn't I just be the same as those terrible people?

Wishes

Have you wondered why we do not have magic or super powers? Take it in reverse, have you wondered what will happen if we have special powers? Most people would be dead already. Well, that may not happen because different laws will be made. But I am sure most of you have thought of erasing people. Or simply just to make things disappear. It wasn't until a few years back that I understand what those evil villains feel about eradicating humanity. All of us have been hurt by another person, directly or indirectly. Sometimes greater than the other. How many of you are actually waiting for the apocalypse? Or a zombie outbreak? This is not exactly wishing for death but just to change how the world works. We do not want to be the bad guy that nukes the world. Perhaps we are simply looking for a reason to be here. We do not desire a meaningless life but for now there is no purpose. I guess I should not be using 'we' but I think some people share the opinion. I was never joking when I said I needed psychiatric help. I am often afraid of my thoughts. Hurting people. Getting revenge. Bad stuff.

Do you know how irritating it is to find out that some people just get something you desire and take it for granted? Well shit like that happens everyday. The reason is simple. Only people who do not have it, know how valuable it is. Those who got it easily, will not understand our struggle for it. The object of desire can be something material or abstract. It could be a car. It could be acceptance or respect. I had the chance to get to know the boss of an acquaintance and it only highlights what I am missing. How can their boss, with such a high position have time to go for an outing with his subordinates and even personally buys the tickets? He is surely not Superman. But he is way better than what you are. He does not complain and does it voluntarily. Here I get comments about how long I write stuff. And I thought with your position, education and experience you would have mastered speed-reading. Camaraderie among colleagues? I think some of us don't even know the meaning of that word. Why is something so common, a dream for me?

Do you know the pain of missing something that only occurs once? Or perhaps the pain of always looking at the other path, knowing you will never walk it in this lifetime. Have you ever heard love at 18 only happens at 18? So you know the feeling of being in love at 18? How about 17? Or how about with that hidden crush of yours? I admit we can never walk all the paths. But it is a different thing altogether if you are forced into it by circumstance. You were never given the choice or the chance to try making the choice. Look back and think about how many things you missed so far. What was your secret ambition that you were forced to abandon? I am tormented by such thoughts every now and then. It only serves to make me much more bitter when I have tried so hard to make things work only to have it fail due to the actions of others. Look at what this world has become. Even effort is not reliable anymore. I have no idea what else to trust. So I will try everything. I will spare no expense. I will not suffer a second time if I am able to do so. I am so tired of this shit.

Doing what I can

I have no idea if this is what I should do, but I know this is what I can do. Sounds kinda familiar to what was mentioned in the new Star Trek movie but who cares about copyright nowadays. Putting my feelings into words is the only thing I can do when I am alone in my room, trapped in my thoughts. And blogging about my problems with people is about the only thing I can do about them as well. I still have to meet them, I still have to interact with them. It is impossible to be honest all the time. Even doing the right thing may end up with the wrong results. This is my coping mechanism. But this is not what I will depend on. You can take away this blog but I will still think badly about you. And I will still continue to live. I personally do not care what you think of me. As long as those who matters are able to accept me, that is enough. As long as I get through to the ones important to me, to my future or even to other important people in my life, that is enough.

I guess you can never expect people to learn. You should never expect people to be sensitive as well. You can argue that not everyone is psychic but most of my gripes are about people behaving at a level lower than they are at. As a higher ranked senior, you should be more mature, more capable and definitely more respectful. How do you expect me to respect you when you have no respect for me as well as for yourself. What I have for you are expletives. Why are you not inspiring? Recently some people got promoted. Thus I question myself, what is my value? How do they perceive me? Simply a troublemaker? What must I do to gain a promotion myself? Even though the answer was clear, I still want to believe. Deep down I know that they cannot promise me anything. They are powerless. Words of praise from them mean nothing. Maybe that is why they do not even bother. I can deliver a hundred projects, but it is up to the whims of the powers that be to decide my fate. With this reality lingering in my mind, how do you expect me to concentrate on my work? The only thing driving me forward is my sense of duty and responsibility. The only thing driving me forward is my hope elsewhere.

I still have to prove that I am not just another programmer. I am worth more. I can help more. I refused to accept that stupid offer is because I do not feel that it will work. And yet you refuse to understand my concerns. How can you assign a programmer to monitor the entirety of a project, from sales to customer service and expect results? Nobody is going to follow my orders. You do not grant me a higher position or even a raise. Why do I want to risk my neck for you? You were so sure of the project earlier. Why must I pick up the slack halfway? Voicing my opinions does not necessarily mean I can do a better job than you do but just to help you cover your bases. If you take my opinions negatively, there is nothing I can do. But can you deny that what I say is wrong? Have you ever heard of product maturity? Any new product needs a certain time frame to reach the maximum potential. And we just throw one product after another recklessly. What are we hoping to achieve? Drown our customer base with information? Speaking of information we do not even announce our enhancements. Hoping for the customers to discover and learn is something so stupid I could not possibly comprehend. You knew we could not deliver a proper product and still you went forward with it. Are you the one that is actually trying to sink the ship?

What you hold in your hands are the careers of a group of employees working for your cause. Show me results for once. Just once. Give me a reason to cheer for you. Show me that my perception of you was dead wrong and you are actually awesome. Tell me that behind the scenes you were actually working on something big and everything was well worth it. Lead us to glory. I think I have a special hatred for people in authority. Maybe because I expect much more from them. After all, you are supposed to be better than me. Last week I was flabbergasted when I got dessert that is supposed to be both a promotion treat and afternoon tea. During lunch all of us paid separately and then you bought expensive cake slices out of the blue? Did you just went on a guilt trip? So we only get to eat awesome stuff when people get promoted? More than 3 people got promoted and all we get is one slice each? Blame this on my financial situation but I sincerely abhor it. You might as well just skip the cake. What I hate the most are people earning more than me but stingier than I am. You have financial burdens? So I don't? We are different? You don't say. I will show you what a proper promotion treat is like when I land it. Then you can go on your guilt trip.

Anyway things may improve in the near future. We are being forced to a precipice. Finally someone with a proper plan is able to knock some sense into the higher management. They are starting to listen and hopefully one day our voices will reach them. Not only mine, but everyone. I am the most vocal one, not the only one I can assure you that. I understand why they wish to remain anonymous, why they wish to remain silent. I can't blame them. Everyone has experienced some level of disappointment with the way things are done here. So it is no surprise that some gave up. Some just carry on. What is aggravating though is that the company did not try to keep them. This is not something recent. Even before the current pinch, seems like talent retention was never in the agenda. If we do not take solid action soon, everyone will be jobless. We are no more the giant we used to be. And even then, giants still may fall. Harder than most. Taking all our hopes and dreams along with it. I am angry. Very angry. What are they actually doing? Why are they given the power in the first place? Must I sit here helpless, and wait for the inevitable? No, I will try to do whatever I can do. Because you will not do it for me.

My image issues

I decided to take a few days break to review of what I have said so far before continuing my ranting. To see if it was a correct representation of my current situation, my feelings and my thoughts. To see if I might have said too much about the people around me. After some contemplation, no, I don't think so. In fact I would add more if possible. The issue of image has been haunting me since secondary school. When someone's son decided it is funny to open my personal blog in a cybercafe and show people. Back then, I was fat and nerdy. Imagine me being round with gelled hair combed sideways, wearing glasses and looking dorkish. I revealed in my blog that I was infatuated with a female and needless to say, my intention was criticized by most. She isolated me, some friends isolated me and I got depressed. I never had proof about the cybercafe incident but someone must have revealed it. Betrayal aside, my image was my downfall. Why is it that someone who looks bad never got the chance to even proof himself otherwise? I always believed if I was the sporty kind of kid, at least they won't view my pursuit of happiness as something forbidden.

This trauma was carried forward to my university life subconsciously. I slimmed down considerably due to the depression and a great fever. Then I met a senior who kept long hair and I thought he is cool. As a youth struggling with his image, I guess that was the role model I was looking for. He is so capable that the hostel lets him choose his room and keep a fridge. I thought maybe I can achieve something similar. Studies were okay but I was still rather shy and anti-social. Long story short, I was the one that slept at class and passed the exam. I did not buy any senior notes or past year exams and I ended up as the top 3, graduating upper second class due to some stupid grading issues. I was totally focused on breaking preconceptions of others. As long as you give me the chance, I will proof to you I am more than you bargained for. Too bad I took this both ways. I can be your best friend, your best worker but also your worst nightmare. This is also the reason why I like gaming. Everybody is equal there. You cannot judge anyone in advance. I attended my graduation ceremony as the first and last male student to have shoulder length hair. Just because I am crazy enough to try.

Onwards to my working life, I still keep my long hair but much to my chagrin I am forced to wear formal clothes to work. I am still very much inclined to show who I am instead of being a drone, wearing uniform and just following orders. Needless to say, that job did not last very long. But long enough to be of mention in my resume and to land my next job, which is my current job. Today I finally said what I have been keeping in my heart for a bit but never wanted to admit it. I love my job. I love my company. I simply hate management. And management can be improved or even to an extreme, changed. Which why I am still here in this company. After the meeting today, I love the company more. There are such diverse characters that I have yet to know. I have not enjoyed such fun conversation in a long time. Intellectual exchange of opinions that are well respected by both parties. Everybody is jolly with valuable insight. Maybe we are just being polite with strangers but I know there is still so much more the company has to offer.

Back to the topic, my image is that of a programmer. A person who specializes in IT aspects and not in marketing, sales or customer service. No, they would think I know none of those. Frankly yes, I have no working experience in those areas. But does that mean you can't consider my opinion? Those areas are not rocket science. It involves people. If I understand people and trends, does it not mean something? Matters dealing with people are always subjective and the best way is to collect a huge sample and find a pattern that is meaningful to your cause. Are you going to miss that golden idea just because you have to go through a thousand stupid ideas? Or are you going to collect ten thousand ideas, pick out a trend and turn them into something meaningful? And honestly, you are not such a good salesperson either. At least I am not sold on some of the ideas we have to do. How can you expect commitment from staff that disagrees with what you are trying to do? How can you sell something that your sales colleagues think is not the perfect product? They shouldn't need to struggle to find a selling point or answer the doubts of customers.

I always try to convince myself that you did your best as the representative of our division. That you have put all our objections on the table and it was ignored. But sometimes I just don't buy it. People are not stupid you know. Out of so many people I asked, they could see it is flawed. And I don't think the higher powers got to their position without using their brains. So why would the project still continue if the flaws are exposed? Sometimes my ideas got shot down because they claim it is a gamble. And some of our projects are not? We launched many new products into the market. Many we can claim as a first. There were no supporting data too. It was all based on speculation. Was it because my words hold no power? Was it because of my rank? Was it because of my image? You cannot blame me if I seek another place where my voice is heard. At least they listened. At least they replied, good or bad. Didn't our parents always say it is rude not to reply when someone talks to you? Or perhaps you hate me that much? Am I not worthy of your attention even?

Before you start cursing me in front of your screen, can you deny what I say? Is what I say wrong? If it is wrong, then it is obvious we have communication issues because our opinion is very different. How did things lead me to think like this? Am I the only one to feel this way? Is everyone actually honest with you? Answers aside, trust me on one little thing. I will break the image you impose on me. A programmer cannot provide  substantial marketing ideas? Then I will be the programmer who could. A mere programmer's opinion is to be ignored? I will be the programmer that seniors seek for idea discussion. I already broke the image that programmers are weak nerds. Just watch me. I made up my mind. I will do anything and everything I need to, in this company, just to show you. Quitting and succeeding in another company is not that meaningful. I want to do it here, where it matters.

Loathsome people

I go to the gym to find my peace. To invest in something I believe in. Something that I know will not betray me in the future or end up being a waste of time. And I dedicate a lot of resources in it, trying to explore how far I can go. So why do you have to laugh about it? If I want to diet, it is my choice. Just because you are not able to, just because you do not agree, does that give you the right to simply step on my choice? Slender people cannot diet? Does that mean fat people cannot indulge? Are you crazy? Actually I think you are. Is it so hard to actually just say good morning? Do you find it cute that someone senior like you throws a piece of paper at a junior's head who is just minding his own business? Can't I just live my life normally? If you want me to greet you every morning, say so. If you think I am rude then say so. So you argue I could have did the same. What? Scream at you for being childish in front of 10 or so people who is minding their own business as well? I chose to ignore and curse at you silently. Do you want to criticize that too? It was your natural behavior. Why would I bother? It won't change anything but make us awkward.

Today a colleague voiced out the concern about promoting ideas and solutions that we ourselves think is not really that good. I understand that feeling. Why wouldn't I? After all, I was the one that went against a project arguably doomed for failure. Needless to say, I had no choice but to grit my teeth and try to make it work. And try I did. I came out with ideas and I told everyone. But it was ignored because I am just a programmer. So I am forever not entitled to voicing anything concerning the other aspects of a project or product? No, they said. Ideas are welcomed. But I guess they didn't tell me most of it will just be ignored. All my effort. All my patience. All those days trying to convince myself. Went down the drain. And nobody even batted an eyelid. Of course I was baffled. Then I asked around. And I wished I never got the answer. "It was a marketing tool. A gimmick". Does that mean you do not need to make it work? Does that mean results mean nothing? Just launching it and attracting a lot of attention is enough? What kind of a logic is this? Am I missing something because I am only a programmer?

How much more do people want to annoy me for no good reason. They are not even my friends for crying out loud. How hard is it for me to do the right thing. Again and again I swallow down my fury, maintain a proper appearance and deal with everyone naturally. Yes, besides feeling the duty to voice out my ideas, I want to avenge my ego, my pride and most importantly to just make them eat their words. I hate them. All of them who are stuck with their traditional way of thinking. If I am wrong, just tell me. If it is a good idea, just say so and I will be more inclined to throw out more. Why the flying expletive are you trying to put me down? I can no longer tolerate all the bottled up feelings. This roller coaster ride of sadness, self-pity and fury is what every other day in my life feels like. Friends that I care about wants me to make hard decisions. People I do not know wants me to get irritated. Fine then. I find this angry persona much more loveable than the soppy sad ones anyway.

I am not finished yet. There are also those that think being stuck in a dumb loop is cute. Stop complaining about being fat if you are going to eat that much. Stop complaining that there is no time to work if all you ever do is take hour long breakfasts and hour long tea breaks. How much time do you actually spend working? Do you understand you are dragging all of us down? How many times have I seen mistakes that inevitably end up in my mailbox just because I was the one that did it? I am not to blame god damn it. If my KPI gets a hit because of your shitty behavior you will not hear the end of it. And there are those that showcase their free time by spastic spamming my Facebook wall. How the hell can you even share 10 items in less than 10 minutes? I would rather look at what people had for lunch then suddenly 10 links from the same website. At least keep some variety for crying out loud. You already made your point that the website is awesome after your fourth consecutive share.

If some of you still do not get it yet, I remove you from my Facebook friend list to minimize our interaction only. I did not block any of you. You are welcomed to block me or send me a piece of your mind if you think my action is stupid, vulgar, childish or any combination of the three. Are we going to define our friendship through Facebook? By looking at pictures of each other's lunch? You have never said anything to me except commenting on some pictures and liking some posts. That is not even a proper conversation. And I don't even know what you like about those depressing posts. Is that friendship? How hard is it to call and meet up? How hard is it to just send SMS? Are those reserved only for your friends that are worth more than a few cents? And to the one who said I got angry because you sent a SMS, do not send one at 2-3am in the morning. For the love of god it was just a forwarded message you received that you think it is cute. I know you are free but I need to wake up early the next day. I do not understand you? Please. Do you even understand me?

More to say

If you treat others thinking they would have done the same to you, it is not noble but foolish. Perhaps that way of thought is not suitable for this day and age. Your disappointment will only grow and you will needlessly feel betrayed over and over again. Confronting someone over this was one of the worst things I have done so far. The words rang so clearly in my ears, 'I never asked for you to do it'. That was it. Faith in humanity vanquished. You see all those kind-hearted acts that people share, I see none of it. It is but fiction to me. When people treat me well, I become paranoid, questioning their motives, thinking it was something else. This increased my isolation and served only to make my mental condition worst. I realized yesterday after writing everything down that this blog may one day be the only record of who I am and my honest thoughts.

Today during a group discussion at work, I had a wonderful idea. An idea that can get people excited about. At least an idea that seemed to be big on paper. But the moment I mentioned it, it started with 'My friend...'. I dare not take credit anymore. I have become a coward. I fear that people will go around cheering my name perhaps in jealousy. Paranoia. I didn't want the attention. I hate it a lot. I just want the people in charge of my career to know that I am here and I am useful. Use me as you wish, use me to bring glory to your cause I care not, as long as I get what I deserve and it is worth the time and effort. I do not want to doubt the intentions of others. I am fine with everyone remembering me as just another guy. What do people think of me now? Attention seeker? I was just trying to help. Show off? Cut me down to size then. Come up with a better argument. You can watch everything die but I could not. I would rather try and fail than failing to even try.

Maybe the reason why is because I am trying to do what everyone has given up on. What is the point if all that we are going to build is going down the drain a few years from now, when history repeats itself? Are we really helplessly trapped in this vicious cycle? And then I am here, trying my best to assist our comeback. I am here contributing when others say it is foolish to believe in this company. To believe in a future with this company. I have nothing to convince everyone that things will get better but this is just what I can do right now. This is something I can do to tell myself that I have given my all, that I will have no regrets. To feel good about myself. And perhaps I can get you people on my side working on the same idea. Why must I be pushed aside simply because I am different? Why are you treating me differently all of a sudden? Is your current behavior anything to do with how you feel right now? Are you uncomfortable with me?

Then what about me? Have you thought about how I would feel? Do you understand how I feel? I am clinging desperately to any friendship that I have left. You are all that I have right now. I try so hard to forge new bonds that I learn things just to fit in. Just to create conversation topics. Just to create a link. Daily I argue with myself, to convince myself that you did not mean to hurt me, that you do not know my sensitive issues. But just how long can I suffer before I finally crack? Do I take the risk and voice out? Do people really care? Just because I face you every day does not mean it hurts any less. I delete people from contact to minimize our interaction, to lower the chance of me burning bridges. I just want to remember you the way we were. I do not wish to lose anyone anymore. Not for something I believe in. Not for being who I am. Please do not make me choose. Simply because I already know my answer and the pain that comes with it all too well.