I have a feeling more posts with a similar title will pop up every week. So here I am, deciding against playing computer games to rejuvenate my soul and writing skills instead. Usually I am pretty lazy on a Saturday considering I woke up early for my run and finished quite a number of chores. Quite recently I was disappointed after I found out one of the girls I had my eyes on since annual dinner is actually married. It came as a big surprise because she sure as hell do not look like a married woman. Well, a good woman would already be taken is what I always say. What's left are those who rejects a relationship or, if I may be brutally honest, not a good wife material. I am not saying I am without faults myself but think about it. If we really are awesome, we would be cuddling our significant other rather than me writing this or you reading this.
So I was thinking that there are no miracles in this world. Most things can be explained and is a direct or indirect consequence of a decision or action taken in the past. I never stood a chance, no matter what I do at this point. After a day of depression I thought why not try to think things the other way around and see how many of them would pop up. So this will be the topic for today I suppose. Let me try recounting the miracles that happened in my life so far.
The biggest point would be me still alive today. I have encountered life-threatening accidents for at least 4 times now. I almost drowned and I had several accidents involving motorcycles. Furthermore, there were news reports of freak accidents around the world. So I guess you could say it is a miracle that I am still healthy, with all my limbs intact without deformities. I am thankful for that. Of course part of health is due to exercise but what I meant would be terminal illnesses that just sprout for no good reason. The visible scars on my hands and my legs are very potent reminders of what happened last year. It is truly a miracle that I escaped that without broken bones or internal injuries. The external injuries are definitely horrible but I am looking at the worst case scenario. I could have died because the good samaritan that sent me to the clinic said I flew and my helmet got flung off.
I guess I can say it is a miracle that I landed on a good working environment right now. Things could have gone wrong at so many instances, I can only consider myself lucky. The arrangement right now could definitely improve but it is far from bad. I could have been transferred to another team. Twice. Met some good people and some not so good people but somehow I think they are helping me grow to be a better person. My infamous temper flared several times but it is already a big improvement if you compare with me from 5 years back. Previously I lamented on how the old me would have laughed at the current me for being such a weakling with no backbone. But sometimes being so direct and stubborn is not the best approach. In the end, our purpose is to live in the best way possible right? I guess I can only say I have gotten more practical. I am still a rebel every now and then but not as aggressive. And the people here are actually more open to opinions. I really like the way my foreign colleagues work and communicate. Totally different and much more effective.
There are no miracles in social connections or my non-existent love life though. I made some new non-office friends this year due to my participation in running but it may simply be an acquaintance. Without a car, my transportation options are severely limited. The people I meet usually already have their own established circle of friends so I don't really fit in either. After all, I am not from around here. Maybe the reason why I take friendship so seriously is because I have none. Each one is as precious as it could be and I guess the other party just do not think so highly of it. Can't really blame them. Still disappointing and angry though. About love, I realized I had not loved anybody I know since I started working. Korean bias does not count. Maybe I set my standards too high? Or simply because everyone has been taken? Well office relationships can be quite messy anyway. I don't really go socialize nor do I join any social clubs so I guess I had it coming? That's why it is called a miracle if I ever found one.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
A full year 2014 part 1
Wanted to delay the post but I guess I should not since I have already forgotten more than half of what I intended to say. Before I wrote this I was checking my older posts and I saw a weird post more than a year ago. It was about a letter to someone after I died. I have written it for fun after reading about it somewhere. It was not addressed to my parents but to the one I love. I was scratching my head but as I read on, I remembered who was it for. Funnily though, about a year later, news broke out that the person I liked was attached to someone a few years her junior. Yes, HER. I am not gay. It is pretty fun to actually wonder what was I thinking about when I was writing some of the posts a long time ago. I cringe reading some of it but I enjoyed it. It shows how much I have changed. For better or for worst I have changed.
Though I fear the change is more internally than externally. A week ago I attended the wedding dinner of a good friend and I hitched a ride with someone I have not seen for several years. He was in the car with his wife. But I was surprised when I saw their young one strapped to the backseat. So here I am in a 2 hour long trip, sitting side by side with a 2 and a half years old kid. I was petrified. I am the kind that run conversations in my head prior to appointments to mentally prepare myself but how am I supposed to handle a kid who calls me uncle and asks me to look at cars and sign boards? What was I supposed to do? I was expecting some long conversations with my friend. To keep things short, the trip was pretty uneventful, the kid was very well behaved and it was entertaining watching his antics. But one thing stuck in my mind. I am still socially inept.
I did not stutter when I met the other friends at the wedding hall. I look at their eyes and chatted away like we just met 2 weeks ago. I answered everything and asked back. I could hold my ground now. But I should have been able to do that 5 years ago when it matters the most back in the university. Not now. And I figured I could do all that confidently is because I am mentally prepared. Like people before a speech. However, I should not have to do all that. I should be able to talk naturally to anybody at anytime without overthinking, without preparing topics. My mind should be quick enough to act on the fly. My confidence should be high enough that I see myself as peer with the people I am talking to. Even if he/she is the president, I should be able to confidently speak, politely and properly, perhaps even pull off a joke. But I could not.
A few days ago I attended my company's wedding dinner. It was a very grand event, with everyone dressed up nicely. And that is where everything went to hell for me. The same as last year I felt inferior. Out of place. So inferior I wanted to escape. The women are all so elegant and charming. The dapper gentlemen of my company, with their coat and blazer all looked so immaculate. I came with my sport shoes and just a simple long sleeved shirt. I might have been a bit stingy about it but buying leather shoes and dressing up just once a year is not worth it. And so, what is the definition of worth? Will I be thinking about it if I have money to get all those? Perhaps not. But wait a minute. Some people went there dressed in t-shirt and jeans. And they are not affected one bit. They chatted away, taking pictures like they belong there. How are they so sure, so confident of themselves? How are they so strong?
Maybe the reason why I strive so hard to perform at work or at play is to cover my inferiority complex. To gain confidence. To be sure of myself. I need to make up for it. I want to feel good about myself. I want to stand as a peer to everyone else. I want to think that even though I do not have wealth, I have something else. But I am not very successful with it. During the annual dinner, some of the girls caught my eye, one of them knocked me breathless. But what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Why not? I am too unsure of myself to approach her. But will I ever be ready? Most of you will answer with a deafening no. Nothing can prepare you for a relationship. Every person is unpredictable and love is an adventure. And it irritates me that some people I know rejects a relationship due to trauma of the past. You had a choice, can't you even think twice? Someone to love me, is only something I could imagine.
If we are meant to be together, we will be together. Cowardly words. And I used to hold on to it so strongly in the past. Excuses, nothing more. Maybe one day I will encounter someone that will force me to get out of the comfort zone. Someone so important to me that I must step up and fight for her. Hopefully, someone that will be my future wife.
Though I fear the change is more internally than externally. A week ago I attended the wedding dinner of a good friend and I hitched a ride with someone I have not seen for several years. He was in the car with his wife. But I was surprised when I saw their young one strapped to the backseat. So here I am in a 2 hour long trip, sitting side by side with a 2 and a half years old kid. I was petrified. I am the kind that run conversations in my head prior to appointments to mentally prepare myself but how am I supposed to handle a kid who calls me uncle and asks me to look at cars and sign boards? What was I supposed to do? I was expecting some long conversations with my friend. To keep things short, the trip was pretty uneventful, the kid was very well behaved and it was entertaining watching his antics. But one thing stuck in my mind. I am still socially inept.
I did not stutter when I met the other friends at the wedding hall. I look at their eyes and chatted away like we just met 2 weeks ago. I answered everything and asked back. I could hold my ground now. But I should have been able to do that 5 years ago when it matters the most back in the university. Not now. And I figured I could do all that confidently is because I am mentally prepared. Like people before a speech. However, I should not have to do all that. I should be able to talk naturally to anybody at anytime without overthinking, without preparing topics. My mind should be quick enough to act on the fly. My confidence should be high enough that I see myself as peer with the people I am talking to. Even if he/she is the president, I should be able to confidently speak, politely and properly, perhaps even pull off a joke. But I could not.
A few days ago I attended my company's wedding dinner. It was a very grand event, with everyone dressed up nicely. And that is where everything went to hell for me. The same as last year I felt inferior. Out of place. So inferior I wanted to escape. The women are all so elegant and charming. The dapper gentlemen of my company, with their coat and blazer all looked so immaculate. I came with my sport shoes and just a simple long sleeved shirt. I might have been a bit stingy about it but buying leather shoes and dressing up just once a year is not worth it. And so, what is the definition of worth? Will I be thinking about it if I have money to get all those? Perhaps not. But wait a minute. Some people went there dressed in t-shirt and jeans. And they are not affected one bit. They chatted away, taking pictures like they belong there. How are they so sure, so confident of themselves? How are they so strong?
Maybe the reason why I strive so hard to perform at work or at play is to cover my inferiority complex. To gain confidence. To be sure of myself. I need to make up for it. I want to feel good about myself. I want to stand as a peer to everyone else. I want to think that even though I do not have wealth, I have something else. But I am not very successful with it. During the annual dinner, some of the girls caught my eye, one of them knocked me breathless. But what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Why not? I am too unsure of myself to approach her. But will I ever be ready? Most of you will answer with a deafening no. Nothing can prepare you for a relationship. Every person is unpredictable and love is an adventure. And it irritates me that some people I know rejects a relationship due to trauma of the past. You had a choice, can't you even think twice? Someone to love me, is only something I could imagine.
If we are meant to be together, we will be together. Cowardly words. And I used to hold on to it so strongly in the past. Excuses, nothing more. Maybe one day I will encounter someone that will force me to get out of the comfort zone. Someone so important to me that I must step up and fight for her. Hopefully, someone that will be my future wife.
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