The first post of 2014 and it starts with a very bitter taste. Today most probably is the worst day of 2014 so far. Fittingly so I guess since it is Monday. I woke up early hoping to finish work and gym early so that I can ride the bus back and the plan failed. So, being stingy and all I decided to walk like I always do. With more than 30 minutes between me and my destination, there is plenty of time to think. And boy, did I overthink things. In that time span I have cursed gods, ghosts, people, dogs, taxi drivers and evil shopkeepers. All the 'if's start to pour out like a broken dam and the bitterness just builds. If only I am rich, if only I did not get into an accident, if only my motor is alright, if only I was a bit earlier. Regrets, disappointments and just plain hatred. Let it simmer for a bit.
Here comes the bomb though. I was actually stupid enough to question my family's spending during the daily phone call. I could not kick myself enough for that. I have failed myself. I was supposed to be the bastion, to be entirely dedicated to the well-being of my family in Ipoh without question. Without doubts. Now I have cracked. Basically I lost to life. I lost to a higher being, or a god that is trying to make a point. Point taken now. You win. I have nothing left against you. If this is karma, then I hope what I did was worth it. This life or previous. Of course you would argue this is too light to be karma. I am making things too dramatic. Perhaps you are right. I feel I am alone in this issue. I feel that there is no win-win scenario. To you, I am making things difficult for myself. But this is the only way I know how to live.
Have you ever been so angry that you would wonder how it feels like to hit whoever or whatever it is that set the circumstances up for you? Maybe I am trying to avoid the problem, blaming something else. However, nobody else knows me enough to tell me otherwise properly either. I often end up quarreling with people that try to help because I feel they do not know anything and they act like a jerk offering solutions like a know-it-all would. Of course the solutions work for them, so it should work for me right? Wrong. There are many things that you feel comfortable doing and I do not. Sure, I am the one in trouble now so beggars can't be choosers right? Yes, I choose to find a better way. And thus, I got my ass handed back to me on a silver platter just to make it extra ironic.
Fine then. I won't be going on my vacation anytime soon. I will work towards finding money so that I do not feel anything when my family needs more. No cars, no bros, no chicks right? Fine then. I will accept it and live on my own, walking all over the city chasing after public transportation. Whatever the god or power decrees, I will just take it now. At least for the rest of tonight. Maybe I will just reset myself tomorrow. When things got bottled up for a while with nowhere to go, it tends to explode in a disgusting mess sometimes. I would rather to do this every few months or so than to bash somebody for no apparent reason and then regret about it in prison. I really have to see a shrink or at least a friend who is good at listening. Don't you dare to volunteer dear reader. The very reason why I am blogging right here right now is because there is no such friend in my social circle yet.
