I find that the future is actually very scary. People change. Priorities, circumstances, a lot of things change with time. Sometimes no matter how strong, intelligent or socially powerful you are, you cannot change things instantly, only through time. Today I find myself being the very type of person that I could not understand so many years ago. Not only did I stop playing Dota, I generally stopped playing games opting to simply rest or watch some shows. My interest still lies with the games but I find that I have less and less time to invest on it. And I am the kind that would not do things half-heartedly. So subconsciously, I decided to ditch Dota. Dota is, simply put, one of the best things that ever happen to me. The other me, the me who comes out during Dota matches, may not exist anymore but the memories remain.
Recently, another big Dota 2 competition came to a close with a big upset. However, it was just entertainment. I do not feel any attachment since I have never stood on such a grand stage. I support my favorite teams and players and that is all to it. They belong to another world unknown to me. What is known to me though are amateur Dota tournaments. I have won and organized amateur Dota tournaments before. And today, everything came back to me when I walked in to spectate the local Mountain Dew Dota 2 Amateur Competition. There are no commentators, no grim-faced managers, no gigantic projector or even rows of chairs. There are only friends, teammates and some young people scrambling around yelling for the next team to get ready. This is how everything used to be.
I returned to a home that is not familiar to me anymore but I still have memories of being there. Both as a resident and as an owner. I remember how the team arrived early, lock in our selected heroes and flipped a coin to determine which side of the map we will start on. I remember how in the days leading to it we studied, we practised and we played like our very lives depended on it. At that time, perhaps it was. My existence was defined by it. I was more famous as a player than as a friend, than as a coursemate in my university. I was known as the one who took people in one-on-one duels to win food and small change back in my hometown. I felt needed. I felt important. And I felt alive.
As the tournament progressed, I remember how my team behaved the same way, watching the other teams play. Trying to figure out their weaknesses and thinking how we could counter them. The anticipation and the long wait for our turn, how it wore us down. Last but not least, the overwhelming confidence, knowing that we could beat them down, snickering as we watched the others. That disgusting confidence. I missed it so much. To know you are the strongest. The sense of superiority that lead you to view others separate from yourself, as if you are a different level of existence. Now I am just the average 9-6 worker you can spot anywhere. Not so superior anymore. Not so confident anymore.
Organizing a tournament is fun too. You get to set rules and you get to see how everything turns out. You get to know people. I actually do enjoy getting to know people, just not making friends. Or perhaps more accurately, I simply enjoy talking to people. And you know for sure that everyone there shares the same interest, the same passion, the same language. You feel comfortable. You feel happy. It is tiring, yes, but it is very much worth it. Nowadays, to find things 'worth' doing is rare. What you usually get are things you 'need' to do. Obligations, responsibilities and the list goes on and on. We instead try to find happiness in mundane chores. To find satisfaction in mediocrity. It is but a lie. You can keep on telling me to let go of the past, but the past is where I lived the most. Now, the future is scary.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
A good learning experience
It has been a while since I last blogged. The previous post is how a professional gamer finally achieved the highest level of success after persevering for so long. It is a reflection of my own hopes and dreams of being recognized, of being able to stand on top through hard work. But we all know that is not enough. Anyway, this post is about the recently concluded team building event I just attended at the peaceful island of Pangkor. Needless to say, there is much to reflect on. This time around, I am blogging in the MORNING because I guess you can say it is almost scientifically proven that writing posts at night almost always degenerates to rants and whining.
A lot of things could have been avoided if only I made the right choice at the time. But who would have known? Who would have known I would suffer a breakdown later? Rolling back to the start, the night before the company is supposed to gather at 7am, my manager invited some of us to drinks. It went all the way till midnight. It was a big mistake. I had to wake up at 5am sharp to prepare and make the journey to the LRT simply because I was and still am too stingy to call up a morning taxi. Walking 3km with luggage after a night of drinks and skipping dinner is a serious challenge even to someone who runs full marathons a few times a year. I reached in time to join the rest for breakfast and the journey begins. I could not sleep in the bus ride because, well, it is still morning.
We arrived, settled down, had lunch and played some games. It wasn't that bad. On hindsight, it was the best set of games out of all 3 sessions. My team ended up first, wasn't expecting that honestly. After the games, everyone was free. I spent the evening hanging out at the pool, laughing and observing. Dinner time came but something was wrong. I did not have an appetite. I ate a bit but nothing like the usual portion. The beer arrived and I grabbed a can. That was the only can I held on to for the next 4 hours. Everyone walked around, we even had supper at a local restaurant, tasting fresh seafood but I still could not finish the can. I started feeling unwell and thankfully I ended up back in the hotel, but unfortunately surrounded by drinking colleagues. I was angry at myself for not being to drink as much as I wanted to. I knew I could. I have proven I could before. Their relentless heckling did not help. At that point I just wanted to go back to my room and sleep. I am going to be teased either way, why not just rest right? Alas, my key is with a colleague who is still hanging out at the beach. I didn't want to spoil his fun so I stuck on until my patience exploded and I just yelled out loud by the poolside. I guess that was the highlight of the first night.
Next morning I woke up early in time for the breakfast. I always look forward to breakfast because I really like ham, sausages and whatever hotels usually serve. Before long, it was time for games at the beach. It started with a weird game to drag our butts across the sand. Some ended with damaged shorts. Then it came to lining up team members to come up with the longest chain on the sand with clothing and people. This is so unfair to participants because it basically challenges your genetics and roll of the dice to see if you have tall team members or not. We cannot expect everyone to just strip their clothes to extend the chain. Those who do are photographed and heckled. I too am guilty of laughing but is this what the committee members wanted? Is this kind of memory the kind you want people to bring back? Next came with a physical challenge. I was confident but some of our team mates fumbled so I was simmering pretty badly already. Lastly, it was a homage to Running Man games where you have to spin on the spot and run to the beach. It was funny but it was competitive and having other teams rubbing it on my face is pretty hard to bear as well. Not to mention some teams have additional members that do not need to participate and they think they have the right to just disturb the others.
Proceeded to have lunch and we were shown the latest points for the teams. We fell from first to forth or fifth. The reversal was pretty incredible. I drowned my disappointments with food and some idle chatter. Finally it is time for indoor games and we are told to finish station games. Most of them went without a hitch but we were hit with another memory game. Suddenly it became individual memory challenge. Weaker members are stressed. I personally was miffed but of course I can't voice it out. Some just do not have good memory. It call came to luck again. Is this how the games are supposed to turn out? Furthermore there isn't any chance of a turnaround. Teams who complete all station games are entitled to the EXACT same amount of points. Even though we finished the memory game on our last try, I wasn't really happy. I knew it was pointless. There was animosity among teams as well because the memory game took place in the same room and another team is reciting their challenge as we struggle to learn ours. Then we returned the favour. Is this really team building?
Everything ended and it was free time again. Decided to gather and chill in one of our rooms until dinner. During dinner, the prize giving ceremony is up and my team got fourth. Wasn't happy but nothing I can do about it. The bomb came when they announced the committee members will get a cheque worth RM50000. I heard it as 15, so I actually thought it was real. Because if you split it up among the members, the amount is similar to a bonus. Ended the speech by asking others to volunteer if we want the money. I was a committee last year and all I got was RM50. How would you feel? Luckily one of them said it was a joke when I asked but it was a bad joke. After dinner, needless to say it was drinking time again. Only this time, I decided against it. I wasn't too sure of my condition but one thing I am sure of is that the drinks will flow and if I could not keep up, the heckling would be much more intense. I could get away on the first day but I don't think I could, now that it is a new day and all. So I jumped at the chance to play cards with colleagues for the next 2-3 hours. I only went to the drinking area when everyone is wrapping up things. Grabbed some beer, surprised that I could down them easily today, and spent some time chatting before going back to sleep. I knew I missed a lot of things, but the feeling of left out is better than being teased in front of everyone. I know I have a big ego and I like to keep my reputation but it is a sad thing that the team is actually separated into good drinkers and bad/non-drinkers. Again may I ask, is this really team building?
The next morning it was breakfast again and needless to say, I was happy about it. Next plan was to go round the island on a motorbike. But because we have more passengers than drivers, some of them preferred bicycling while some preferred to just chill at the pool. I was one of the drivers because it is out of necessity, else I would not agree to a passenger. I was pretty annoyed when the first person hug my waist while riding a motorcycle was a married lady with a child. My stupid dream of ferrying my future partner just went up in flames before I could even say anything. I just concentrated on the journey and even though the group separated into two, I think both enjoyed it. I would like to drive again given the chance, only this time, preferably alone. There are some amazing sights along the way. We are supposed to pack up, check out and wait for our transport while having lunch. The journey back was uneventful but when we arrived back at the office, a monsoon storm hit and everyone was wet. Had dinner with some colleagues at the office area but it was pretty awkward because the people at my table weren't that close to each other. I just wanted to eat and go back home.
In the short span of 3 days and 2 nights I learnt a lot about myself and others. I have to say that I am indeed a 'special needs' person. I am not like the rest, and I have to understand that and make decisions based on that. If I keep on bending backwards to keep myself in the circle, I will break my back sooner or later. And it wouldn't be fun for anyone. Regarding the games, well perhaps we can learn from the complaints and do something new. For every winner there is a loser, can we make it win-win or at least to lose out in a fun way? The bloody memory game for example. They could have made it a team effort if we are allowed to act out the words to help. This competitiveness is not only in me, it is in quite a few others. And the fact that towards the end the committee had to make another speech to clarify the 50k cheque means I am not alone in misunderstanding the joke. Obviously something is fundamentally wrong already. Maybe we can have a food hunt trip next year. I mean spending time leisurely with each other and exploring with each other is much more enjoyable. Set 8 foods you have to eat and take a picture of doing so. Make the best group pose at a historical landmark and win or something. But I could almost predict that the committee members will say 'Why don't you join the committee next year?' God I hate those words so much. I guess it is real that if I want something done well, I need to do it myself.
A lot of things could have been avoided if only I made the right choice at the time. But who would have known? Who would have known I would suffer a breakdown later? Rolling back to the start, the night before the company is supposed to gather at 7am, my manager invited some of us to drinks. It went all the way till midnight. It was a big mistake. I had to wake up at 5am sharp to prepare and make the journey to the LRT simply because I was and still am too stingy to call up a morning taxi. Walking 3km with luggage after a night of drinks and skipping dinner is a serious challenge even to someone who runs full marathons a few times a year. I reached in time to join the rest for breakfast and the journey begins. I could not sleep in the bus ride because, well, it is still morning.
We arrived, settled down, had lunch and played some games. It wasn't that bad. On hindsight, it was the best set of games out of all 3 sessions. My team ended up first, wasn't expecting that honestly. After the games, everyone was free. I spent the evening hanging out at the pool, laughing and observing. Dinner time came but something was wrong. I did not have an appetite. I ate a bit but nothing like the usual portion. The beer arrived and I grabbed a can. That was the only can I held on to for the next 4 hours. Everyone walked around, we even had supper at a local restaurant, tasting fresh seafood but I still could not finish the can. I started feeling unwell and thankfully I ended up back in the hotel, but unfortunately surrounded by drinking colleagues. I was angry at myself for not being to drink as much as I wanted to. I knew I could. I have proven I could before. Their relentless heckling did not help. At that point I just wanted to go back to my room and sleep. I am going to be teased either way, why not just rest right? Alas, my key is with a colleague who is still hanging out at the beach. I didn't want to spoil his fun so I stuck on until my patience exploded and I just yelled out loud by the poolside. I guess that was the highlight of the first night.
Next morning I woke up early in time for the breakfast. I always look forward to breakfast because I really like ham, sausages and whatever hotels usually serve. Before long, it was time for games at the beach. It started with a weird game to drag our butts across the sand. Some ended with damaged shorts. Then it came to lining up team members to come up with the longest chain on the sand with clothing and people. This is so unfair to participants because it basically challenges your genetics and roll of the dice to see if you have tall team members or not. We cannot expect everyone to just strip their clothes to extend the chain. Those who do are photographed and heckled. I too am guilty of laughing but is this what the committee members wanted? Is this kind of memory the kind you want people to bring back? Next came with a physical challenge. I was confident but some of our team mates fumbled so I was simmering pretty badly already. Lastly, it was a homage to Running Man games where you have to spin on the spot and run to the beach. It was funny but it was competitive and having other teams rubbing it on my face is pretty hard to bear as well. Not to mention some teams have additional members that do not need to participate and they think they have the right to just disturb the others.
Proceeded to have lunch and we were shown the latest points for the teams. We fell from first to forth or fifth. The reversal was pretty incredible. I drowned my disappointments with food and some idle chatter. Finally it is time for indoor games and we are told to finish station games. Most of them went without a hitch but we were hit with another memory game. Suddenly it became individual memory challenge. Weaker members are stressed. I personally was miffed but of course I can't voice it out. Some just do not have good memory. It call came to luck again. Is this how the games are supposed to turn out? Furthermore there isn't any chance of a turnaround. Teams who complete all station games are entitled to the EXACT same amount of points. Even though we finished the memory game on our last try, I wasn't really happy. I knew it was pointless. There was animosity among teams as well because the memory game took place in the same room and another team is reciting their challenge as we struggle to learn ours. Then we returned the favour. Is this really team building?
Everything ended and it was free time again. Decided to gather and chill in one of our rooms until dinner. During dinner, the prize giving ceremony is up and my team got fourth. Wasn't happy but nothing I can do about it. The bomb came when they announced the committee members will get a cheque worth RM50000. I heard it as 15, so I actually thought it was real. Because if you split it up among the members, the amount is similar to a bonus. Ended the speech by asking others to volunteer if we want the money. I was a committee last year and all I got was RM50. How would you feel? Luckily one of them said it was a joke when I asked but it was a bad joke. After dinner, needless to say it was drinking time again. Only this time, I decided against it. I wasn't too sure of my condition but one thing I am sure of is that the drinks will flow and if I could not keep up, the heckling would be much more intense. I could get away on the first day but I don't think I could, now that it is a new day and all. So I jumped at the chance to play cards with colleagues for the next 2-3 hours. I only went to the drinking area when everyone is wrapping up things. Grabbed some beer, surprised that I could down them easily today, and spent some time chatting before going back to sleep. I knew I missed a lot of things, but the feeling of left out is better than being teased in front of everyone. I know I have a big ego and I like to keep my reputation but it is a sad thing that the team is actually separated into good drinkers and bad/non-drinkers. Again may I ask, is this really team building?
The next morning it was breakfast again and needless to say, I was happy about it. Next plan was to go round the island on a motorbike. But because we have more passengers than drivers, some of them preferred bicycling while some preferred to just chill at the pool. I was one of the drivers because it is out of necessity, else I would not agree to a passenger. I was pretty annoyed when the first person hug my waist while riding a motorcycle was a married lady with a child. My stupid dream of ferrying my future partner just went up in flames before I could even say anything. I just concentrated on the journey and even though the group separated into two, I think both enjoyed it. I would like to drive again given the chance, only this time, preferably alone. There are some amazing sights along the way. We are supposed to pack up, check out and wait for our transport while having lunch. The journey back was uneventful but when we arrived back at the office, a monsoon storm hit and everyone was wet. Had dinner with some colleagues at the office area but it was pretty awkward because the people at my table weren't that close to each other. I just wanted to eat and go back home.
In the short span of 3 days and 2 nights I learnt a lot about myself and others. I have to say that I am indeed a 'special needs' person. I am not like the rest, and I have to understand that and make decisions based on that. If I keep on bending backwards to keep myself in the circle, I will break my back sooner or later. And it wouldn't be fun for anyone. Regarding the games, well perhaps we can learn from the complaints and do something new. For every winner there is a loser, can we make it win-win or at least to lose out in a fun way? The bloody memory game for example. They could have made it a team effort if we are allowed to act out the words to help. This competitiveness is not only in me, it is in quite a few others. And the fact that towards the end the committee had to make another speech to clarify the 50k cheque means I am not alone in misunderstanding the joke. Obviously something is fundamentally wrong already. Maybe we can have a food hunt trip next year. I mean spending time leisurely with each other and exploring with each other is much more enjoyable. Set 8 foods you have to eat and take a picture of doing so. Make the best group pose at a historical landmark and win or something. But I could almost predict that the committee members will say 'Why don't you join the committee next year?' God I hate those words so much. I guess it is real that if I want something done well, I need to do it myself.
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