If only...

And so I was right yet again. My phone continues to vibrate as the congratulatory messages pour in to the winners. Yet everything that transpired was my fault. Why did I have to open my god damn mouth? Why did I go to have a drink that night? And why wasn't I good enough to stand alongside them? The questions continue to flood my thoughts and it is getting harder and harder to hold it all together. The world is not ending yet, but this, this could have been easily prevented.

But after all that is said, I cannot change the past nor the present. It is reality now. A reality I have to live with. This will haunt me for as long as I stay. If there ever was a feeling worst than this, I do not want to experience it. This is the worst so far. Nothing in the past few months could compare to this. Nothing. This isn't something that was out of my control. This was the payment for my foolish mistake. To think that I am good enough to just talk about anything without backlash. This is the harshest life lesson I ever had to endure so far.

I know now. This helplessness. I am also aware of what I am doing right now and how ugly my thoughts are. Which makes it worst because I cannot stop my honest feelings and my direct opinions anymore. I swear I will never share ever again. The drink we had will be the last one. Not because I hate the people involved, not because I feel that I have been exploited, no. It is to simply avoid something like this to ever happen again.

This few days will be tough. I am sorry my teammates. I truly am. If only...