The last post was chronicling the days of my motorcycle accident. It really has been a while. The scars on my hand remain but my hand is more or less fully recovered. Makes for a great ice breaker if the other party is not put off by it in the first place. However, those that actually judge me for my appearance before even saying hello, nothing good will come from knowing them. I am proud to say that life has been pretty stable thus far. Until now that is. But still, it is a pretty good achievement, being able to keep it together for such a long while. Or perhaps there were issues from the start, which build up to the situation right now.
Even after so much training, I still have problems dealing with people and the things they say or they do. Talking to them about it only makes things awkward and it would be uncomfortable for both sides if they started being cautious around me. In a way, it does not feel like friendship after all. How do you justify being overly sensitive anyway? If you ask me about each and every annoyance, I can give you an explanation for all of them. Maybe you are saying I am letting it get to me. But maybe I am just not letting it slide so easily. If you ask me to change, how could I when I strongly believe that my opinion is legit and correct? You would have find it offensive as well but you just do not let it get to you. Calling you stupid in a joking capacity does not make the word any less offensive.
It is the same with their actions or their general attitude. It offends me. And I still have to smile and carry on daily while being pricked here and there. I dare say I will not explode from this but I do not want to suffer in silence either. It is not a matter of worth it or not I guess. The reason why nobody else finds it offensive means this might be a case unique only to me. That is also part of the reason why I did not take any action against this issue. Me against the world yet again. I fully comprehend the hardship of actually encountering another decent human being. I am not saying I am without flaws but I seriously long for a friend that makes me feel good instead of having me trying to make things work for both sides.
I was correct and wrong with money. I have the correct mindset by putting living first and earning second. But I also thought that having more money would improve my daily mood. This is very wrong. I can eat expensive meals now. However, there is no point when you are alone or with lousy company. And, the very fact that I have good memory of events and conversations only make things harder. It is not my choice to remember or to forget, I am just built like this. Why don't you go ask a forgetful person to just snap out of it and start remembering stuff? He or she can't. I cannot forget things with the flip of a switch in my brain either. Maybe your brain works that way but mine sure as hell do not.
I find myself being envious of the laughter that the coffeeshop owner shares with her relatives that are assisting the place. It seemed so genuine and so carefree. Many would say my life right now is already pretty carefree with minimal stress. I guess most of you are correct. Maybe because I do not have a gigantic concern to block my view, I started noticing all the other small things that annoy me. And I hear that stress is generated by yourself so it should be something I can control. Then there is much for me to learn. But where to learn is another thing altogether. If things do not work out after all, maybe I should move back home. I am afraid of it though. What happens if I get pissed off at home too? What if my heaven is not the heaven I think it would be? What do I do then?
Recently I finished a Korean drama that I think many of you would be familiar with. From the drama, I saw the main character recite numerous quotes from a book. Curious about it, I searched for it and found a free upload online. It is quite a great book and I think it carries a different meaning for everyone depending on your life so far. One of the main themes is about love and how it will eventually come for everyone. How the titular character got hurt by love, closes his heart but then is saved by love in the end. "Someone will come for me". I also remember something someone said, "One day you too will be saved". Maybe it was just my imagination. But I want to believe that someone said that to me. Because I hope someone will come for me. I want someone to save me. Don't worry, not going to suicide. You know, just in case you guys have any funny ideas after reading this. Well, I think I feel better now. And life goes on.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
You win. I lose.
The first post of 2014 and it starts with a very bitter taste. Today most probably is the worst day of 2014 so far. Fittingly so I guess since it is Monday. I woke up early hoping to finish work and gym early so that I can ride the bus back and the plan failed. So, being stingy and all I decided to walk like I always do. With more than 30 minutes between me and my destination, there is plenty of time to think. And boy, did I overthink things. In that time span I have cursed gods, ghosts, people, dogs, taxi drivers and evil shopkeepers. All the 'if's start to pour out like a broken dam and the bitterness just builds. If only I am rich, if only I did not get into an accident, if only my motor is alright, if only I was a bit earlier. Regrets, disappointments and just plain hatred. Let it simmer for a bit.
Here comes the bomb though. I was actually stupid enough to question my family's spending during the daily phone call. I could not kick myself enough for that. I have failed myself. I was supposed to be the bastion, to be entirely dedicated to the well-being of my family in Ipoh without question. Without doubts. Now I have cracked. Basically I lost to life. I lost to a higher being, or a god that is trying to make a point. Point taken now. You win. I have nothing left against you. If this is karma, then I hope what I did was worth it. This life or previous. Of course you would argue this is too light to be karma. I am making things too dramatic. Perhaps you are right. I feel I am alone in this issue. I feel that there is no win-win scenario. To you, I am making things difficult for myself. But this is the only way I know how to live.
Have you ever been so angry that you would wonder how it feels like to hit whoever or whatever it is that set the circumstances up for you? Maybe I am trying to avoid the problem, blaming something else. However, nobody else knows me enough to tell me otherwise properly either. I often end up quarreling with people that try to help because I feel they do not know anything and they act like a jerk offering solutions like a know-it-all would. Of course the solutions work for them, so it should work for me right? Wrong. There are many things that you feel comfortable doing and I do not. Sure, I am the one in trouble now so beggars can't be choosers right? Yes, I choose to find a better way. And thus, I got my ass handed back to me on a silver platter just to make it extra ironic.
Fine then. I won't be going on my vacation anytime soon. I will work towards finding money so that I do not feel anything when my family needs more. No cars, no bros, no chicks right? Fine then. I will accept it and live on my own, walking all over the city chasing after public transportation. Whatever the god or power decrees, I will just take it now. At least for the rest of tonight. Maybe I will just reset myself tomorrow. When things got bottled up for a while with nowhere to go, it tends to explode in a disgusting mess sometimes. I would rather to do this every few months or so than to bash somebody for no apparent reason and then regret about it in prison. I really have to see a shrink or at least a friend who is good at listening. Don't you dare to volunteer dear reader. The very reason why I am blogging right here right now is because there is no such friend in my social circle yet.
Here comes the bomb though. I was actually stupid enough to question my family's spending during the daily phone call. I could not kick myself enough for that. I have failed myself. I was supposed to be the bastion, to be entirely dedicated to the well-being of my family in Ipoh without question. Without doubts. Now I have cracked. Basically I lost to life. I lost to a higher being, or a god that is trying to make a point. Point taken now. You win. I have nothing left against you. If this is karma, then I hope what I did was worth it. This life or previous. Of course you would argue this is too light to be karma. I am making things too dramatic. Perhaps you are right. I feel I am alone in this issue. I feel that there is no win-win scenario. To you, I am making things difficult for myself. But this is the only way I know how to live.
Have you ever been so angry that you would wonder how it feels like to hit whoever or whatever it is that set the circumstances up for you? Maybe I am trying to avoid the problem, blaming something else. However, nobody else knows me enough to tell me otherwise properly either. I often end up quarreling with people that try to help because I feel they do not know anything and they act like a jerk offering solutions like a know-it-all would. Of course the solutions work for them, so it should work for me right? Wrong. There are many things that you feel comfortable doing and I do not. Sure, I am the one in trouble now so beggars can't be choosers right? Yes, I choose to find a better way. And thus, I got my ass handed back to me on a silver platter just to make it extra ironic.
Fine then. I won't be going on my vacation anytime soon. I will work towards finding money so that I do not feel anything when my family needs more. No cars, no bros, no chicks right? Fine then. I will accept it and live on my own, walking all over the city chasing after public transportation. Whatever the god or power decrees, I will just take it now. At least for the rest of tonight. Maybe I will just reset myself tomorrow. When things got bottled up for a while with nowhere to go, it tends to explode in a disgusting mess sometimes. I would rather to do this every few months or so than to bash somebody for no apparent reason and then regret about it in prison. I really have to see a shrink or at least a friend who is good at listening. Don't you dare to volunteer dear reader. The very reason why I am blogging right here right now is because there is no such friend in my social circle yet.
Friday, November 22, 2013
There is only darkness. My accident finale!
Hopefully this is the final post. I am getting sick of reliving those awful days myself. I chose those words as the title because it was my answer to a question from a friend. I was asked if I ever had anyone in mind during my road to recovery, or is there a motivational figure for me. Well, there is no one. Who can I call 3 in the morning when I was suffering so much that I could not sleep? Who can I call to help me open the toilet door when my palm is still leaking plasma? I am thankful to have friends helping me to buy food but there is nobody who can ease my pain. My parents at Ipoh cannot do anything except try to understand my situation through the phone and give words of encouragement. Who can feed me when I could not hold a spoon properly and food drops out of my swollen lips? In that short amount of time, I found out how my life could be so much worst.
Does that mean I am glad to be alive? Yes, but I am still bitter at being injured. What did other people pay to avoid being injured? What was the price? Could I afford it? Is it as simple as buying a car or it is my fate to be injured either way? During the first night, I could barely sleep. The swelling was so horrible I could not move my fingers without being in pain. I honestly thought I was going to lose my baby finger because it was injured at the joints and it looked horrible. I went through tissue papers as I struggled to keep my wounds clean and sterilized. My thoughts wander about problems I will face when nature calls. I threw them away and concentrate on dealing with things one at a time. With wounds on both my palm and the back of my hands, I have no way of putting them down. There was no correct way to sleep.
I will wake up every other hour while checking my wounds and keeping my thirst or hunger in check. The painkiller is useless. I wish I had alcohol solution or something to numb the pain, at least for me to drink water. Time passed by slowly. I could not concentrate on the drama series I continuously play to keep myself occupied. The pain is constantly reminding me that things are not all right. Why, I started asking. Why me? Why now? If I was late a bit or early a bit things might be different. I would be sleeping now, and the next day will be just another day at the office and the gym. I could not even bring myself to cry. The hatred and anger were overwhelming as I curse silently, thoughts occupying every waking moment. As dawn breaks, I figured I just need to do this a few more nights.
Toilet is a horrible test. Cleaning up is a miracle. I was in a mess. Bloody, smelly and definitely unsightly. As I endured the pain of my wounds on the chin and inner lips, food and water drips through the swelling. I am embarrassed of myself. I could not look at the mirror for long. I admit I was narcissistic but only as motivation for my gym pursuits. And there was nothing I can do about it. None of my knowledge, my strength, my experience could help me. Only time and sustenance. And a whole tanker of patience and faith. Trust in the fact that everything will be alright. If I endure another night I will be closer to full recovery. I will regain everything that I have lost. Things will be back to normal again. I console myself as I see scabs forming. But the road to recovery is indeed long. And sad. The only time I knelt down was when I dropped my last egg, realizing the fact that I am not capable of even holding an egg. Not able to provide for myself. I am useless.
I could not bear to bring myself into the public. I do not know how to deal with the unwanted attention. I could not even eat properly. Nobody understands my situation. Friends joke about it. Asking me to go show how manly I was. It was so disappointing. Like I said, only darkness. I cannot live on others forever so I decided to go get my own food once I could walk properly and my hands can actually hold something. I only carry a single RM10 note knowing food is not that expensive and I could not defend my wallet if someone decides to rob me. My eyes were wary as they met with the stares of others. I tried to make my journey as quick as possible. Sometimes to the extent of reopening wounds. Somehow physical pain is easier to deal with than shame. What kind of lesson in life is this? What can I possibly gain from this? Compassion for the injured and handicapped? A test? What do I gain from scoring an A?
If this is preparation for something or part of a bigger plan, I cannot possibly see a good ending here. This was a tough journey for me. Again, having to go through it mostly alone, I bury myself deeper, losing trust in people, losing faith in my so-called friends. People who preach about love, understanding and care seems to be living in a different world altogether. In fact, it might even be. We cannot accept things fully without experiencing it ourselves first. Maybe it was all just a lie? Of course you may rebuke me, but maybe my suffering, my feelings, my thoughts are simply hogwash to you, for the very same reason. I can understand why you do not understand. And I hope you will too. I still have much to say but I guess this writing saga has to come to an end. I do not intend to share pictures of my raw wounds to avoid disgusting people, so here is a photo of my recovering hand and knee I shared on Facebook. It is actually expected if you think the wound is not as serious as my writing, but there is no way I could convince you otherwise. I am definitely in a better place now. It felt rather good writing, so I hope you enjoy reading as well.
Does that mean I am glad to be alive? Yes, but I am still bitter at being injured. What did other people pay to avoid being injured? What was the price? Could I afford it? Is it as simple as buying a car or it is my fate to be injured either way? During the first night, I could barely sleep. The swelling was so horrible I could not move my fingers without being in pain. I honestly thought I was going to lose my baby finger because it was injured at the joints and it looked horrible. I went through tissue papers as I struggled to keep my wounds clean and sterilized. My thoughts wander about problems I will face when nature calls. I threw them away and concentrate on dealing with things one at a time. With wounds on both my palm and the back of my hands, I have no way of putting them down. There was no correct way to sleep.
I will wake up every other hour while checking my wounds and keeping my thirst or hunger in check. The painkiller is useless. I wish I had alcohol solution or something to numb the pain, at least for me to drink water. Time passed by slowly. I could not concentrate on the drama series I continuously play to keep myself occupied. The pain is constantly reminding me that things are not all right. Why, I started asking. Why me? Why now? If I was late a bit or early a bit things might be different. I would be sleeping now, and the next day will be just another day at the office and the gym. I could not even bring myself to cry. The hatred and anger were overwhelming as I curse silently, thoughts occupying every waking moment. As dawn breaks, I figured I just need to do this a few more nights.
Toilet is a horrible test. Cleaning up is a miracle. I was in a mess. Bloody, smelly and definitely unsightly. As I endured the pain of my wounds on the chin and inner lips, food and water drips through the swelling. I am embarrassed of myself. I could not look at the mirror for long. I admit I was narcissistic but only as motivation for my gym pursuits. And there was nothing I can do about it. None of my knowledge, my strength, my experience could help me. Only time and sustenance. And a whole tanker of patience and faith. Trust in the fact that everything will be alright. If I endure another night I will be closer to full recovery. I will regain everything that I have lost. Things will be back to normal again. I console myself as I see scabs forming. But the road to recovery is indeed long. And sad. The only time I knelt down was when I dropped my last egg, realizing the fact that I am not capable of even holding an egg. Not able to provide for myself. I am useless.
I could not bear to bring myself into the public. I do not know how to deal with the unwanted attention. I could not even eat properly. Nobody understands my situation. Friends joke about it. Asking me to go show how manly I was. It was so disappointing. Like I said, only darkness. I cannot live on others forever so I decided to go get my own food once I could walk properly and my hands can actually hold something. I only carry a single RM10 note knowing food is not that expensive and I could not defend my wallet if someone decides to rob me. My eyes were wary as they met with the stares of others. I tried to make my journey as quick as possible. Sometimes to the extent of reopening wounds. Somehow physical pain is easier to deal with than shame. What kind of lesson in life is this? What can I possibly gain from this? Compassion for the injured and handicapped? A test? What do I gain from scoring an A?
If this is preparation for something or part of a bigger plan, I cannot possibly see a good ending here. This was a tough journey for me. Again, having to go through it mostly alone, I bury myself deeper, losing trust in people, losing faith in my so-called friends. People who preach about love, understanding and care seems to be living in a different world altogether. In fact, it might even be. We cannot accept things fully without experiencing it ourselves first. Maybe it was all just a lie? Of course you may rebuke me, but maybe my suffering, my feelings, my thoughts are simply hogwash to you, for the very same reason. I can understand why you do not understand. And I hope you will too. I still have much to say but I guess this writing saga has to come to an end. I do not intend to share pictures of my raw wounds to avoid disgusting people, so here is a photo of my recovering hand and knee I shared on Facebook. It is actually expected if you think the wound is not as serious as my writing, but there is no way I could convince you otherwise. I am definitely in a better place now. It felt rather good writing, so I hope you enjoy reading as well.
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