A few years ago, when Kpop started to explode, I was not affected by the initial wave. No, I am not an early adopter. I did not even know the name of their group. Their music was aired everywhere even in the cybercafe that I frequent. "Gee gee gee gee". I brushed it off as a stupid song. And then more songs came out of the woodwork. "Nobody", "Genie", "Sorry, sorry". I do not know any of them nor did I bother. Seriously if you ask me now, I can even name who is the one singing the particular verse. Yes it is THAT bad. Anyway, surprisingly it all started not from the MV but from a funny video I saw in Youtube. I guess I now know what to thank for my journey thus far. This is the starting point. I never knew pretty celebrities can be so funny. And would dare to be filmed without makeup. I started to get curious. Here it is :
Then I found out who belongs to which group. There was such big contrast between their stage persona and the image they display on the variety show. I was hopelessly hooked. After what seems like hundreds of hours watching related videos on Youtube, I wanted to watch the entire series. And I started digging. While digging, I got to know more of them. And only one really got my eye. Her laughter was so infectious, so real, I yearned for more :
One video leads to another and that's it. Sealed the deal. No one I know laughed like that. She looks kind of plain but I was never one to go for physical appearance. To fans, please do not get offended, I am merely referring to her debut years. She looked like the girl next door who would laugh at your jokes and a joy to be with. She was the best thing that never happened to me. Hurt by the females in the real world, I devoted myself entirely to the illusion that one day we might end up together. Nobody knows what will happen in the future right? It might just will. That line of thought changed everything. Everything became possible. As long as there is a future, as long as both of us are alive. I started to believe. Because I wanted it to happen.
But I am a nobody. I am a loser. I am fat and ugly. No thanks to the girls who earnestly reminded me of the facts. I cannot change my face, but I can do something about being fat. I can do something about being a loser. I can be good at something. I can accomplish something in life. I will accomplish something in life. As her career soared, so did my ambitions. So did my effort to improve myself. I have to increase the chances of it happening, no matter how small. I have to make myself at least presentable. At least someone that will not embarrass anybody when I am walking around. Watching her practice videos, her interview videos recounting her hardship pre-debut, I endured through the pain. If she can do it, why not me? Look at everybody else as well. I have to work harder.
Now I am fit. Now I run half-marathons every weekend 6 in the morning, listening to their songs during the final lap sprint. Smiling to myself. I used them to carry myself over the loneliness of staying alone. It feels like I can do anything, I will be alright, as long as you are still around. It is okay if you feel sad or disgusted by this. I can understand where you are coming from. But this is how I coped with everything. Thanks to my lousy university life, I have almost zero social life. And a huge vendetta against everyone I know. Only through the passage of time, I start to forget. As things got better overall, I did not rely as much but they were a part of my life already. Her and her 8 sisters. I still follow their progress closely, pinning their best pictures religiously in Pinterest and doing all sorts of ridiculous fanboy activities.
Then the news came. One after another they were revealed to be in a relationship with another person. However, it concerns me not because it was not her. Furthermore, I respect their male counterpart. They were either very manly or very capable. Deep inside, I knew her turn will come. But until that day, I will just continue living as usual. Maybe, just maybe, she will be different? Finally, today, the news broke out. Devastation and frustration ensued. It was someone younger than her. How can this be? You are my goddess. But this is no god. What trickery is this? This is the worst ending for this chapter of my life.
I was ready to let her go. But not to someone like this. Before that, I know what you are thinking. I talk as if I knew her in person and yet I have never even seen her in person. That is true. I do not seek your understanding. This is the honest confession of a weak, weak man. A confession of his weakness and hopefully the beginning of his own path, walking on his own two legs. A part of me knew it was wrong to be so obsessed with someone borderline imaginary. I should be focusing on reality. On the people in front of me. I should stop dreaming already. And that part was hoping for this day to come. And it is now. Today, this fateful day, is the end of my journey with you. You will never know me, but I will remember you for many years to come. You will not be my excuse anymore. You will not be my reason anymore. You will simply be just a happy memory.
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