When will my sun rise?

It is actually quite interesting to have a blog with such a long history because it is like a window to your past. With my memory and imagination I could relive the emotion and the events that drove me to write the post even though it can be painful. Anyway, the reason why I write today is because I am feeling particularly confused and depressed and felt that writing things down will help me reorganize my thoughts. This has nothing to do with my previous post. Surprisingly, or perhaps disappointingly, the news did not hit me as hard as I thought it would. Well it will happen sooner or later, for the both of us. However, I still thinks she deserves better. No, I am not talking about a girlfriend, and honestly though, if you could magically make her mine right this instant, I would say no and ask you to just fly away somewhere.

As you guys may or may not know, I finished another Korean drama today and the bitter feeling is killing me. I guess my life is too empty even though I would hate to admit it. The marathon, the gym, work, everything I spend time in is actually a big diversion from the main problem in my life. I was so absorbed in the romance depicted in the drama that I have absolutely no idea what to do with my evenings once it is finished. The pointless routine to some of you is the highlight of my day as I escape into a world which I have never set foot on. Not even once. How much I would like to hug someone as hard I as can, never to let go, how much I want to run my fingers through my partner's hair, how much I would like to finally love someone so much that I would actually stand in front of a screwdriver. Yes, I am referring to that scene for you people who watched the drama.

Let me ask you something honestly, how many of you would gladly, without even blinking proclaim you can and will die for your partner? You can brush me off as crazy but I would like to love someone that much one day. To love so much that it hurts. I have loved someone before in the past, but I have never asked myself the question while I am still hooked so I guess my opinion now does not count. To be happy just from hearing her voice, talking to her and seeing her smile and laugh. For the first time I am exposed to loveable childishness. I hate people acting cute and childish with a burning passion. But now, I stand corrected. With the proper execution, it is quite charming. For most of you out there, you would think that I am just in love with another stunning Korean actress. For that I can assure you that you are not my friend. Shame on you.

I have never loved someone for their looks. I am attracted of course, but to fall in love, it was never due to appearance. I realized this after the movie Stardust starring Claire Danes. I had a movie crush on her and looked her up on the Internet. However, I lost interest in her real person, just attracted to her character. It is the same with all the girls I have loved. Were they pretty? Not even close to the Korean standard. I hope with this, nobody will tell me to 'lower your expectations' ever again. Why should I lower my expectations of my love? Is it wrong to look for someone that will love you back? It is the same when I moved on from the girls. My heart, my feelings are locked in that period of time. I have no interest in them now. The 'her' that waved me goodbye at the school stairs will always be the one that I loved. The 'her' that stood at the hostel stairs, waiting for me, 'her' that took my hand as we dashed across the road.

Will the one finally come? I have no idea. But unfortunately, I don't think I am ready for a relationship as well. No financial strength. Maybe things will change when she comes. I will make it work somehow. Even though I am still relatively young, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of happiness in life. People I know, they had the chance to date each other for a few years but some just got pregnant not long after marriage. I guess they had enough of dates and felt it was time for a child. I want to experience it all before a child comes along. I want to date her as a man and then as a husband and finally only a father. I believe it will be fun. Am I being dragged along by all the ridiculous Korean dramas? Perhaps I am. This is the only happiness I have, to smile when the character I am rooting for smiles, to live a life I never had, that warm fuzzy feeling you will never get from the people around me. I would be so much happier if one of them can just stop insulting me.

Here I am drowning myself with the soundtrack of the drama as I write this post. It really helps to bring out all that I want to say. I learnt a lot from the drama. 'When your heart doesn't tell the truth, pain gives the answer'. 'Nobody knows what happens after the decision'. 'Giving someone love does not promise happiness in return'. Such simple truths but I never thought about it unless someone just says it in my face. I understand that reality may never work the same way as the dramas depict but I got nothing else to work with right now. And I finally understood why people would want to rewatch entire shows. This is the very reason. You grow fond of the characters, their interaction, their love. I watched it not to find out who was the culprit, I just want to know if she gets the guy in the end. It was so much fun. And just like everything else in this world, it will end. I guess I have written enough for now, the rest I have to sort it out myself this coming weekend at Langkawi. Maybe the marathon will do me some good. Maybe a miracle will happen.

Look at her. Supermodel? No. She depicted a deranged girl next door so perfectly, I wished I had a metal bin ghost to talk to at the mall. I really liked how she wore those torn jeans. Never thought it would be so fashionable. The girls I know only wear skinny jeans which is very boring and unattractive. Well since I am not as good looking or talented or rich as the guy, then I have to build up whatever I have. But seriously, money helps A LOT. Maybe, just maybe, on the day I decide to really earn money, she will come. Right now, I am simply earning as much as I need to survive and provide for my parents. Maybe, if I earn enough for 2 adults, things might be different. Or it may not. Who knows? Nobody knows what happens after the decision :)