Recent happenings~

It has been a while since I have written a post. Previously I will occasionally drop a post every now and then just to keep myself entertained. I guess I have been too lazy. The lack of writing has gotten to my head and now here I am once again. Somehow it feels nice to write out what I think and what I feel. My thoughts and opinions on certain issues. Reminding myself on what I did wrong, what I have to do and what I am hoping for. Guess I just enjoy being with myself. Whether this is actually a coping mechanism for loneliness or my natural behavior, I myself cannot tell. But why complicate things? I have bigger concerns to deal with most of the time.

A lot of things happened throughout the past month. I will elaborate about my fitness this weekend so I will just skip that boring part. A colleague left the company and another one arrived. Some interns came as well. Feels nice to have new people around but there is still a big gap since the interns are at a different floor. Took a flight to Penang for a company event early this week. It has been a long time since I rode in an airplane. Almost 20 years to be exact. It was fun and I hope I can do it again. But as I stare outside into the clouds, I know it may not be possible.

I guess the major breakthrough would be my personal perspective. I am still very bitter. However, I am learning how to handle the bitterness. The reason I say this is because the sadness and anger will emerge only when I let it go. Even then, it is more like a contained outburst. I felt I have improved my mental state for the better. At the very least I have learnt that like myself, people have multiple facets to their personality and it is wrong of me to judge them based only on one of them. It is very hard to do this when you only have access to a side most of the time. There are surprises everywhere.

This may mean that others judge me the same way too. I am not sure if I manage to project the entirety of my personality to people but I think the other party might find it suffocating. All of us have different personalities to deal with different scenarios and environments. I guess the key to enjoy relationships of another is how to avoid the dealing with the bad parts and bring out the good parts. Now I wonder, just how many of this rough gems have I let go? Or maybe it has just been far too long since I had a nice chat with someone and coincidentally, it was not someone I like in particular. It feels like only now I am learning how to properly live, how to think and how to interact with others. I hope one day, I will learn how to be happy too. I think I have mastered how to make people laugh though.

A letter to myself

This is a letter to myself. I have so much to say and yet I have none. Finally it is the close to end of 2012 and today is my birthday. By the way, the world did not end. I am officially 26 now and much have happened. Looking back throughout the year I should congratulate myself for handling it well since I am sitting here, still healthy and safe. I have finally moved out of my first rental room to another larger and more comfortable room. It is not perfect, but I think it is a good start. I am still working at the same company, without much problems. I have managed to avoid catastrophic errors and completed some projects. This year, my thoughts and opinions have changed hopefully for the better. I have removed many toxic contacts in Facebook, not because they are my enemies but because their updates feed my negative thoughts. Therefore, I think my mental well-being have improved. There is still much to be done but I think I have done my best. Dealing with people is a skill you polish through your lifetime after all.

There is but one thing. I am still poor. I could not buy many things that I wish for, including a birthday gift. However, all is not lost. Since last year, I have decided to give myself something that no money can purchase. Nobody can buy it for me. It is made with hard work, dedication and discipline. This should be one of the best things I can ever give myself.

This is not Korean superstar level yet but I am getting there. I will get myself there. For so many years I was teased for being fat. For so many years I have wished for a better body. Here it is buddy. Happy fucking Birthday. This is where everything you invest in is repaid with interest. That is not all. I wish that life will treat you better, find a great group of friends, excel at work, and generally have an awesome upcoming year. And Merry Christmas.

What is the truth?

What is the truth actually? I find out the hard way that the truth is something you believe in and not something that is real even if proven. Of course I try my best not to follow the trend but sometimes it is out of your control. A hundred lies can destroy one truth. There is nothing we can do about it. It means nothing if I know the truth when a hundred others simply dismiss what I say. Especially when there is no way I can reproduce the evidence. Perhaps this is why some people are labelled as insane or crazy simply because they believed in something else other than the norm. You cannot blame anyone in this matter. This is simply how the world, how our reality works right? This is different from keeping a secret. Not only can you not share the excitement of the truth, people might even step on it.

One bad rumor about you and you might face some serious problems in your social adventures. Even existing relationships with people will be threatened. You can never underestimate the power of opinions and suggestions. Do not expect people to get to know you before passing judgement. Sometimes one chance is all you get and one chance is all it takes. The truth is commanded by the popular, the influential and sometimes the strongest. The vanquished have no say in things. And those caught in the middle will follow the winning party to avoid unnecessary problems or simply to enjoy the spoils of war. It is human nature to secure an advantage whenever possible wherever possible. However, there are some very smart people who sway according to their own whims and to extend their own goals, independent of the current scenario. Those would be the deadliest.

It gets very lonely preaching your own truth. You need to be very disciplined and strong too. To withstand the insults. To withstand the betrayals by people close to you. Then at the end of the day, will the truth be worth it? What do you get from it? Broken relationships? How many people will actually thank you for the truth? It might even be too late. Idealistic people will say that people who do not even listen is not a friend. That is a very naive thing to say. I guess the best thing to do is to keep everything to yourself. Just grin lightly whenever your best friend spread lies. Attempts to correct the person will end horribly even when done away from the spotlight. Through all this madness, you will end up even doubting yourself. Is what you know actually the truth?