You do not change fate, fate changes you. You cannot change reality, reality changes you.
That is the conclusion I came to today. It answered many things. Fate does not dictate how you live. Fate is a destination. What you do there is up to you. For example, fate brought you to Kuala Lumpur. You can return to Ipoh or you can stay and work. So you only adapt. We were given the illusion that we could control our own fate just because we are allowed to make decisions. No, we follow the flow of coincidence and circumstance. We sculpt our life by living within the boundaries of reality. We decide what to eat, who to talk to and where to go but we will eventually arrive at a predetermined location or situation that is the culmination of everything else around us. That is fate. That is reality. Once the situation hits you, you cannot change the situation anymore but just progress from the situation.
My fate? I guess my fate is to stay alone. I still have no idea if I am that annoying or simply not approachable. Many things happened but today is seriously the tipping point. Never have I gotten so emotional since breaking down in the hostel toilet many years ago. All I could think is that this is how it should be. This is unavoidable. One place after another, one group of people after another. There is no mistaking it, I am bound to end up isolated. Everyone walk around in groups, with people, sit together and chat. Eat together. Not for me. I know there is definitely a reason why people are avoiding me but nobody is telling me about it either. So I do not deserve to know what I have been doing wrong either? I have tried many things. I have grown mellow. I try to practice what I preach, become more understanding and patient. Becoming more generous. But all is for naught I guess. I cannot change anything.
I did not accept this. I wanted to fight on. Now I just want to know, if my definition of fate is correct and if it is truly my fate to be alone. Then I will accept it and live my life knowing that it is really how it should be. I have always been bothered by my lack of finances. And I understand people do not care about that. It is my problem to solve. And if I do not cough up the dough, I will be dropped, easy as that. Of course it is done in subtlety. One outing after another, until I can hold on no longer. Same thing with transport and everything else. It is my problem that I can't go long distance or in the rain. It is my problem that I have trouble with a particular someone. I always told myself, perhaps this place is not suitable for me. The thinking of the people itself is different. I am the odd one out. It is not my fate to be here. But is that really so? Is everyone the same? Let's hope not.
I was so emotionally distraught that I could not concentrate on my work after the incident. My thoughts torn asunder by the maelstrom of feelings, I can only engage myself in chatting to keep myself distracted. Somehow I have always been able to maintain proper control when dealing with others. The chaos subsided but has not gone away. Thankfully there is the gym. What would I do without it? My thoughts sorted, it is time to turn the stress to strength. Now my arms are weak but my soul rejuvenated. As I type this blog, my mind winces in pain but it is not hurt by the memories. Complete memories of certain events. Both a bane and a boon.
Well how did you like that? Always wanted to write in a dramatic way. I guess that is all for now. Had fun riding on the creative train to jot down my thoughts and feelings actually. Oh yeah, I will disable the video autoplay thing. I guess forcing it is no good. Hopefully things will pick up again. Have a nice day. Or might as well have a nice month. Nobody wishes another like that before right?
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Short Update
If you noticed, I missed the monthly update. I assure you my body is still fit but there are no noticeable changes and thus I decided against spamming people with a topless picture. I had a long holiday lately and figure out some things. For example I actually have multiple facets to my personality but the one I enjoy the most is the one I show to my Ipoh friends. No reservations, nothing fake and all around laughter and just being merry. Here in KL I speak English, less jokes, less swearing and all around much more gloomier. Imagine that even I myself find it rather bad. Thankfully my work productivity improved by leaps and bounds. Hopefully it will last a while. I still feel like I should be paid more for the work I do. But that is very much up for debate. Things are still as ridiculous as ever in the office.
It was very enjoyable going to gym with friends. Most of the time I go gym alone here in KL. I am not familiar with the other colleagues that go and our levels are very different. Either they are too strong or just a beginner. So you cannot enjoy a competitive session. Furthermore the gym I went to in Ipoh has much more equipment. I have also started playing badminton again. If you know me well enough, I am very competitive and realizing that I am so weak is really getting on my nerves. However, I do not have the resources to truly start training. At least I need to buy a new shoe and get my badminton racquet strings checked. They were strung 10 years ago and most of the shots I hit have a very blunt sound. Perhaps maintenance is in order.
During my holiday I was exposed to movie hopping as well as old Chinese songs. Well not exactly old but they are not recent. If you noticed, I have changed the background song and I really like the lyrics. Never realized there is a song with lyrics that are so close to my heart. And the girl is quite pretty too with a very strong voice. She is not the original singer but her rendition is great. Perhaps she is a bit too cheerful for such a song but well just enjoy it nonetheless. I guess I enjoy wallowing in my sorrow. Apparently it is a defensive move, albeit a wrong one, that our subconsciousness takes to deal with the real world. If you are always sad, then disappointment won't hit you so hard. Or something like that. Movie hopping is way cheaper than bar hopping. Basically you just enter with your ticket but you do not come out. Yes, you wander around the cinema by going back the door you came in. And you enter another hall and another. Just need to be shameless when people say you are sitting at their seats. I guess the security in Ipoh is pretty loose or perhaps people just never thought about doing it. I won't be attempting it frequently that's for sure.
I guess that's it for the short update. I have much to say, but I always end up blank when I sit down in front of the laptop.
It was very enjoyable going to gym with friends. Most of the time I go gym alone here in KL. I am not familiar with the other colleagues that go and our levels are very different. Either they are too strong or just a beginner. So you cannot enjoy a competitive session. Furthermore the gym I went to in Ipoh has much more equipment. I have also started playing badminton again. If you know me well enough, I am very competitive and realizing that I am so weak is really getting on my nerves. However, I do not have the resources to truly start training. At least I need to buy a new shoe and get my badminton racquet strings checked. They were strung 10 years ago and most of the shots I hit have a very blunt sound. Perhaps maintenance is in order.
During my holiday I was exposed to movie hopping as well as old Chinese songs. Well not exactly old but they are not recent. If you noticed, I have changed the background song and I really like the lyrics. Never realized there is a song with lyrics that are so close to my heart. And the girl is quite pretty too with a very strong voice. She is not the original singer but her rendition is great. Perhaps she is a bit too cheerful for such a song but well just enjoy it nonetheless. I guess I enjoy wallowing in my sorrow. Apparently it is a defensive move, albeit a wrong one, that our subconsciousness takes to deal with the real world. If you are always sad, then disappointment won't hit you so hard. Or something like that. Movie hopping is way cheaper than bar hopping. Basically you just enter with your ticket but you do not come out. Yes, you wander around the cinema by going back the door you came in. And you enter another hall and another. Just need to be shameless when people say you are sitting at their seats. I guess the security in Ipoh is pretty loose or perhaps people just never thought about doing it. I won't be attempting it frequently that's for sure.
I guess that's it for the short update. I have much to say, but I always end up blank when I sit down in front of the laptop.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Yaegers and...other thoughts
Just came back from the cinema, having watched Pacific Rim. Unlike the other attendees, my reaction was rather different. Instead of being at awe and still immersed in the movie, I only felt like learning boxing or something. I mean putting your guard up has never looked so awesome. Other than that, perhaps the movie was overhyped by my colleagues and friends, I feel it was just okay. Did not have the intention of going in for another round at all. I was hoping for something more spectacular. I mean come on, rocket fist was not the finisher? The China Yaeger was not based on Shaolin kung fu but hipster triplets with saw blades? At least reflect the country's culture. Maybe I really am expecting too much. And Mako Mari was rocking her screentime until she said 'For my family!'. I mean really? It is a respectable homage to cheesy anime I guess. Maybe I play too much games and watch too much crazy anime. They do not have super moves and everything else. Since the movie is already based on something cheesy, bring it all the way man.
If you people were wondering, I went there alone. Like I always do. But as I walked home, loneliness struck as I pondered how nice it would be if I could share my afterthoughts immediately instead of coming here, to the blog. The walk is not long at all but just one of those what if moments. Being able to share is always nice. Not only it means you have companions, but you have enough to share. You learn more about yourself as you go about to do things. From this movie I made up my mind on something. Since I am so immersed in exercising and fitness, maybe I should put job satisfaction on the back seat instead. I mean, I work to live, not live to work. Work is merely a means to an end for me. For now, it is impossible to merge both my life and work together since I have many issues with it. So, just kick it out of the top priority standing. Work so that I can live my life the way I want it. I should not stress myself out looking for a job that I can live with. I should concentrate on living my life while working for it. It is but a chore. Not important at all. Maybe this kind of thinking is wrong, but who knows?
Speaking of loneliness, I do feel lonely most of the time. But I also realize something. Maybe I cannot fall in love. Not because of a stupid reason like I could not and shit like that but perhaps I should not. Maybe I just cannot withstand the emotional strain that comes with it. There is no telling that any relationship is going to be successful, that is life. I mean I can't even stand people crying in a drama, let alone someone real that I honestly care about. I have always been a crybaby, ever since young. So perhaps this was arranged for that reason. I mean come on, I am those people that make all kinds of facial expressions watching romance comedy dramas. What makes you think I will not cry my eyes blind if something bad happens? It is very scary for me. Currently I am watching a drama based in the hospital. Sickness is unpredictable. But the helplessness of seeing your loved one slowly die is very much real. I can just imagine it. A doctor's worst nightmare is to see someone you know becoming a patient. For the first time, I was thankful that I am not a doctor. With the way reality have been acting so far, I am almost sure it will happen to me as well.
Of course not every bad thing will become reality. I am already 26 going on to 27 this year with all my limbs intact and hopefully no terminal disease. My family is fine so far as well, thank you. This world is a scary place. The more you know, and the more you realize, the more you fear. I was so depressed when I was going to get my driver's licence and realized that no matter how good a driver you are, you will still die due to the negligence of others. Nowadays, it is not that I stop caring, but you can only do so much. The rest, seriously, you have to leave it to god, reality or whatever it is that you believe. I have plenty of thoughts like this all the time. But I still could not wrap my head around using my new phone to jot things down. Quite a hassle really to dig for it. I already lived a quarter century without one, so pardon me for taking time to get accustomed to being always connected. It is rather funny when I still wait for people or food without whipping out my phone because I forgot I could now. Well perhaps it is a good thing. At least I won't turn out to be one of those rude assholes anytime soon.
If you people were wondering, I went there alone. Like I always do. But as I walked home, loneliness struck as I pondered how nice it would be if I could share my afterthoughts immediately instead of coming here, to the blog. The walk is not long at all but just one of those what if moments. Being able to share is always nice. Not only it means you have companions, but you have enough to share. You learn more about yourself as you go about to do things. From this movie I made up my mind on something. Since I am so immersed in exercising and fitness, maybe I should put job satisfaction on the back seat instead. I mean, I work to live, not live to work. Work is merely a means to an end for me. For now, it is impossible to merge both my life and work together since I have many issues with it. So, just kick it out of the top priority standing. Work so that I can live my life the way I want it. I should not stress myself out looking for a job that I can live with. I should concentrate on living my life while working for it. It is but a chore. Not important at all. Maybe this kind of thinking is wrong, but who knows?
Speaking of loneliness, I do feel lonely most of the time. But I also realize something. Maybe I cannot fall in love. Not because of a stupid reason like I could not and shit like that but perhaps I should not. Maybe I just cannot withstand the emotional strain that comes with it. There is no telling that any relationship is going to be successful, that is life. I mean I can't even stand people crying in a drama, let alone someone real that I honestly care about. I have always been a crybaby, ever since young. So perhaps this was arranged for that reason. I mean come on, I am those people that make all kinds of facial expressions watching romance comedy dramas. What makes you think I will not cry my eyes blind if something bad happens? It is very scary for me. Currently I am watching a drama based in the hospital. Sickness is unpredictable. But the helplessness of seeing your loved one slowly die is very much real. I can just imagine it. A doctor's worst nightmare is to see someone you know becoming a patient. For the first time, I was thankful that I am not a doctor. With the way reality have been acting so far, I am almost sure it will happen to me as well.
Of course not every bad thing will become reality. I am already 26 going on to 27 this year with all my limbs intact and hopefully no terminal disease. My family is fine so far as well, thank you. This world is a scary place. The more you know, and the more you realize, the more you fear. I was so depressed when I was going to get my driver's licence and realized that no matter how good a driver you are, you will still die due to the negligence of others. Nowadays, it is not that I stop caring, but you can only do so much. The rest, seriously, you have to leave it to god, reality or whatever it is that you believe. I have plenty of thoughts like this all the time. But I still could not wrap my head around using my new phone to jot things down. Quite a hassle really to dig for it. I already lived a quarter century without one, so pardon me for taking time to get accustomed to being always connected. It is rather funny when I still wait for people or food without whipping out my phone because I forgot I could now. Well perhaps it is a good thing. At least I won't turn out to be one of those rude assholes anytime soon.
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