Words and me

Finally after a long hiatus, I have decided to come up with a post today. This will not contain any fitness tips because it is already end of the month and I will definitely post my progress so might as well include those there. Stopping the daily blogging routine has been a double-edged sword for me. Of course I gain a lot of free time for other things but I have been missing out on 'me' time. Being able to express yourself even to a blog or diary is quite important for a lonely or introverted person. However, the problem with blogs is the public aspect of it while a diary doesn't seem to make sense to me. As you can see, most if not all my blog posts are directed to a person as if I am talking to someone. I think this style is easier to write and it is just plain weird addressing things to myself I guess. I can actually restrict access to my blog but that will just make things complicated to readers. Therefore, some things I will always keep to myself. As some of you may recall, it was due to a blog post that my form 6 life was ruined.

But I guess it was keeping all those things inside of me that made me who I am today. Some of you might have noticed that I have flooded my Facebook status updates with rather sentimental quotes. Well it was all due to drama I watched recently. Before you start rolling your eyes, the drama resonated with me deeply due to the similarity of the circumstances portrayed. But most importantly, the words that I was never able to say, that I was never able to express came out in the most accurate manner. It does not involve difficult words at all. Of course at first I was rather taken aback by it but it was mostly a positive feeling. It felt as if someone understood and portrayed it accurately as if helping to tell the hidden story to others. And yet there was still a tinge of regret as my truth is still within me alone. Nobody knows how I felt at that time, my determination, my sorrow and my pain. I am angry at myself for not being able to express it and for carrying so much emotional baggage. However, it is my past and no matter what I do, I do not think I will ever forget them.

Perhaps I do not want to forget those things. I do not think I will experience something similar in the future. And I do not want to forget the lessons I learnt from my past. Many times I find myself feeling down or perhaps uncomfortable but there is still a sense of nostalgia or even a faint smile as I thought 'hey now...'. Good or bad, they colour my life. It was the most turbulent time in my life so far and the most memorable as well. How many of you have the same feeling when you see a reflection of your past and there is bitterness with a grin? Furthermore my current working life is severely lacking in flavour. I mean it does have some ups and downs but nothing as exciting so to speak. I guess this 'downtime' is some space for me to recover as much as possible and prepare for a more challenging future. I do not know if I can consider myself 'healed' by now but I still consider myself not perfectly 'ready'. I mean we should always keep our guard up as we can never plan life. You can always improve on a certain aspect and switch it around. I think it is a good way of thinking. I do appreciate things I have, but I will not sit still. We are granted a chance to live another day, week, month or year. Why waste it?

Once again I have kept the intimate details of my past a secret because one can never be too careful with public content nowadays. Sometimes I do wonder, are my feelings at that time for her not that strong considering I am 'okay' with losing her now? This is not the first occurrence either. I will never forget my love and my feelings for her of that time but if you ask me to chase her now, even if she is available, no way. Does this mean I have 'moved on'? Then why do I read about couples that get back together after splitting up? I guess there will never be a 'correct' answer considering it is a very subjective issue. Everyone will have a different take on it I am sure. I do not think I am stubborn or egoistic in this matter. Perhaps not stubborn enough. Let me rephrase it, I am not 'loyal' enough. Day in day out I listen to songs that invoke my emotions. Maybe that is the only way I feel alive. Or that is the only way I can feel the feelings that I am lacking nowadays. Anyway, this is all from me. Look forward to my next post this coming weekend, take care and be happy.