Guess this is a sudden relapse of my blogging habit. Or I simply have reached the limit of talking with people. This blog has always been the keeper of my thoughts. I do not wish for people to simply be silent when I talk to them. But the reason why I am losing my patience daily is the reaction that I get as well as interaction with other people. I have yet to meet people who actually care why I snap during a conversation. They simply attribute it to me being sensitive or that is just how I am instead of giving me the benefit of a doubt. I think I have touched on this matter before. Is this how people should behave? Is my thinking wrong? I am not a hypocrite in this matter I think. I do try my best to accommodate others or to try finding out what went wrong. Many people are very good at being silent and pretending that everything is okay but that is the direct opposite of okay. If you do not make it clear that you are offended, I will keep on offending you and in the end I will lose you as a friend without a chance for me to amend. I guess that just means I am not worth much as a friend to you after all. I do admit that the meaning of a friend is getting more and more diluted as our society changes. Anyone can be a friend. Do friends actually care for each other nowadays?
I am constantly irritated maybe because that the barrel is filling up faster than I could empty it. But how can I? Money issues are back stronger than ever. Each day I go about choosing food that I can afford and not the food that I want to eat. And people still complain about figuring out what to eat. Is this what they call first world problems? I haven't reach the level of poor people but I still have a rather limited choice in the matter and it is annoying. Finding another job would require a lot of effort that may not generate a better return. I guess this is the reason why people stay at one company for an extended period of time even though the benefits are not good. We wait and we wait, but for what? Hope may just kill off your dreams. Before long you would have been waiting for 10 years and still nothing has changed. Regret will get you nowhere. Neither does one litre of tears or killing your boss or burning down the company. Life is harsh. That is a reality that many of us choose to escape from. Some are not aware how harsh it is for the entire duration of their life whereas there are people that face challenges everyday. If you put enough continuous pressure, people will be broken eventually. Those that are not, have my utmost respect.
I am not saying that I am broken. To be broken is a very severe mental condition and would seriously require a huge turnaround in life as well as positive chain of events to heal. The people that get the chance to recover will eventually be very wise since they have experienced both sides of the coin. Life is harsh but it is also beautiful. Life experiences can not be purchased but sometimes I doubt the value in them. I have some I can call my own but so far it only brings me more despair as I become very aware of what is lacking in people. And as all of you may know, people do not change easily. Maybe you can call this a modified superiority complex but I just could not take childish behaviour at an adult level. Silly mistakes done by senior people is almost as unbearable. What can I do? Lecturing them will earn me their concentrated wrath while ignoring them will only fill in my anger barrel. Not everyone reacts positively towards criticism. That is another gripe of mine. How come people cannot do the correct thing? It took me a while to come towards the conclusion that most of all people take precedence in feelings and not logic. It was too idealistic of me.
You have people that ignore and you have people that insult your parents. How many people you know actually build on criticism? Perhaps they too are on the edge like me. Which is not very pleasant. My only way of coping is simple to retreat somewhere and escape. However, I do not have the money to purchase entertainment services. Nor is my rented room comfortable. I am at a dead-end. Exercising and sweating it out can only help you to a small extent. Usually the logic is that you interact with more people and thus gain stress-relieving benefits by enjoying a teamwork victory or simply chatting and knowing someone new. Sadly even though I consider myself not introverted but I am not extroverted to the level that I greet everyone I see at the park. Let me repeat myself again for my sake and for the information of those new to the blog. Daily I am reminded of what I lack, what I do not have and what I sacrifice. A good example would be food choices I explained earlier. And you get people who share new phones, vacation trips, new hardware, new car and even new house in Facebook. Of course they mean no harm. But who wouldn't feel jealous?
A simple walk through a big shopping mall alone would drive me crazy. Without someone to occupy my wandering mind, I will be concentrated on window shopping and my current economic situation. People say it is good to know what you want. I think it is not true for my case. Many times I wish I do not know, or I do not care. But this is already the way I am. Can you blame me for clinging onto a form of escapism so desperately as reality closes in all around me? I am sure that all you readers have issues of your own. I am considered very lucky to be here, 26 years old, all limbs attached, having income and healthy parents. But that doesn't mean I do not have the right to feel jealous of others or to be angry. I am only human after all. Hopefully it has been a fun read for everyone and I apologize if what I write resonates with your current issues. I sincerely wish for the happiness of others and to those who have love issues, I know I will be scolded for this but seriously, to even be in a relationship is something people like me cannot see at the moment. Take care and who knows if I might come up with more content tomorrow.
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