Of Broken Bodies and Dreams...

This is kind of an unplanned blog post. Well many things in life are unplanned and we just adapt to the situation right? If the title is still not obvious enough, I have been hit with an onslaught of events lately and thus is feeling rather down. I wouldn't use the word 'issues' because I don't think there are. Usually unplanned posts are based on extreme positivity or negativity. Maybe what our elders say is true, that we never truly appreciate what we are given until it is lost which explains why extreme positivity posts are few and far in between. We do tend to focus on negativity simply due to us being painfully aware of it for as long as it takes to heal or at least for it to pass. And painfully it is as not a day pass by that I am not reminded of what I do not have in one aspect of life or the other. Nowadays I crave the future so much simply because I know the present have nothing to offer me anymore. My circumstances will not change suddenly and perhaps it might be accurate to say I am hoping for a miracle to happen. There is always a chance life will make a turn and looking at how things are for me now, I couldn't wait for it. I do need to be ready for it.

Anyway, my body is far from ready. The more I read into it, the more it is indicated that having the diligence to exercise does not equate a fit and healthy body. Diet is more than half the battle, it is most of what the war is all about. I bet everyone have heard of the saying 'You cannot out-exercise a bad diet'. In the end, even in the path to health and fitness, hardwork is not enough. Maybe my routine is not half as severe as some of you readers out there but I think you will also think the same. Your body managed to reach that level is also due to what you can afford or manage to eat. I am not really looking forward to protein powder but I can't really afford quality protein food like chicken breasts and the occasional beef. I am only relying on eggs and canned tuna. Furthermore, I do not have the facility to cook either. Even though it is unfair to compare my circumstances with others but it is much more unfair to simply call me slow or that my workouts are useless. I know my progress is slow but I am already trying my best. Who doesn't want to have a great body?

Now I sit in my room with an irritated knee and heel because my shoes are so worn out, they cannot offer any effective support or padding anymore. I am effectively grounded unless I want to risk getting arthritis in 10 years time. And the only shoes I can afford are those general purpose sport shoes that will wear out in another 6 or so months. Better than nothing most would say. I simply cannot bring myself to spend money to buy proper shoes for running. Recently the money I have been saving is getting less due to dinners, suppers and events. And also to support whatever health food that I find to be cheapest and does not require a lot of preparation. And I still have a long list of things I need to buy. Yes, need, not want. I don't even have dumbbells that I can use effectively for my work outs. All I have is a single 4kg bell that I borrow from my housemate. Have you ever heard of someone building arm strength using a 4kg weight? Going to gym would mean I have to pay more and also to travel there. I still can't make out which is more cost-efficient but I refuse to go gym for several other reasons as well.

When will I ever reach the 'want' part of my buying list without jeopardizing all my needs? Should I change my job? Should I search harder for more freelance jobs? Risky though it may be? Should I rely on my professional contacts and ask them for career favours? Each option has so many different factors to consider. I am weighed down when I am at the peak of my life, when I should be travelling, exploring, and experiencing new things. Of course that is the most idealistic path and we should stick to reality right? I do not know how many more times I can convince myself that everything is going to be okay. That I am doing the best I can. That life has its ups and downs. People who try to give advice saying 'Everyone have their down time, cheer up' do not understand that I could not care less about others when I am down myself. Everyone also will die eventually but I do not want to die. If I could cheer up, I would have already. I thank you for your efforts but I am the kind that would do better with a pat on the back, a yumcha session or simply a sweet smile. Words can be misunderstood easily.

I have been chasing after the Korean entertainment scene for a while now and just received word that few of the idol groups are coming to Malaysia for performances. And I couldn't afford it. Worst still, I got friends that actually asked if I am interested. Shit like this does not happen frequently. When will I be able to afford it? When they retire? I never wanted to say no to people I enjoy hanging out with. Honestly, if I could do something about it, I will gladly spend time and energy because I enjoy your company too. Sadly, this is not meant to be. I know people that do not understand do not deserve to be friends but come on, how many times have you forgiven your friends for misunderstandings? If you cut off people simply because of 1 mistake, I am not sure if it is worth it. Mutual understanding and respect only happens by learning through mistakes. Therefore I can only apologize here if you are hurt by my rejection. I do not know if you will ever read this post, but please wait for me. I cannot guarantee it, but if my situation improves, I will not say no in the future.

Just a casual update

Against all expectations, my blog still receives views from Facebook instead of blog hijackers from Russia or some other remote places. I wish to thank those that actually took the time to check out my blog and I hope it has been entertaining so far. I also wish to apologize to people that expect me to come up with a post this few days. Perhaps it was quite far back but I have already decided against blogging everyday simply due to the fact that it is hard to come up with good and meaningful content daily. And I am sure you people have realized, I seldom post pictures so I need to come up with more things to say for a post. Anyway I have been meeting up with people and chatting with friends recently and I have been able to gather some materials so to speak. This time, events have been mainly positive and I hope the readers will be satisfied with this post. Do feel free to comment here or drop me a message in Facebook or even call me up for a drink or something.

I guess I should get all the bad stuff out of the way first. Following the theme, I think the reason why I get pissed off at people nowadays is because they behave differently from what I would expect. I have friends that told me I will be a bad father since I cannot bear imperfection. I beg to differ. I do not blame them for not knowing me well enough, but a child is supposed to be clueless about ways of the world. I do not get angry at kids easily. Only kids get threatened by how I look naturally. For people older than me or same age with me, I simply cannot tolerate. I guess that is just how I am. It is kinda bad for my social life, but thanks to me being so critical of the people around me, I can't help but be critical with myself. I try to maintain the principal that I need to be better before I start judging people for their mistakes or deficiencies. Even though judging by itself is bad, but I just chalk it as my nature. Besides, everyone is doing it like nobody's business.

On the health front, and again in contrary to my expectations, I think my body could not take the new workout schedule I am currently following. Currently, I am running 2 fast laps consecutively twice during interval training instead of alternating each lap with slow jogging. Furthermore, the entire track is an incline. After the run, I take a short walk and rest before continuing with 2 sets of abdominal and arm exercises. My legs and my arms tend to feel tired most of the time now. Generally we should increase the number of repetitions or increase the difficulty for the exercises to see continuous progress but I am simply too tired. I will stop when I find myself not being able to maintain proper form for an exercise. I wonder if I am not recovering well, my body is in the midst of adapting or I am not getting enough nutrients to aid recovery. I have stopped seeing visible results on my body for a while already. I am also aware that the exercises I do is only around the intermediate level. How long until I can do difficult exercises? Should I cut down on the runs and focus more on strength? Should I find a park with more exercise facilities? Seriously, I do everything simply on the floor.

Lastly, I did not expect to actually laugh so much this few days. To simply enjoy life and live it the best way I can with whatever I have I guess and also whoever I have by my side. I can never obtain everything. It is still good to have hopes and dreams but we should also keep things realistic. However, it is only human to be jealous or to be bitter. Light and shadow will always exist together. And time will still flow. I dare say nobody is truly satisfied with the present. The young wants to grow up, youths want to greet the future, while the old live their golden years. Anyway, talking is always easier than actually doing it. Before long you will see me agonizing over the things I do not have, the things I am missing out or the things I have lost. I will drive myself crazy criticizing friends who smokes, spends money like water or on things I do not agree on, or simply lacking common sense in their daily decisions. Those are the things I do, and that is who I am. Call me sensitive, emotionless or rude. Either I live with it, or I change it for the better hopefully. Seeing how things still remain the same after all this while, I would say subconsciously, I chose to live with it.

Hypocrites and burgers. And whining.

Apparently my previous post hit a few nerves. Or perhaps I am just too sensitive? Well if you are looking out for something, anything even remotely hints at it will become the undeniable proof. People call it paranoia. Contrary to how I present myself, I actually care much about how I look to the people around me. Because that will be magnified along the social spectrum to people I have never met or know personally. And this is a very small world. Anyway I already apologised beforehand and there is always the option to not read what I write right? Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. However, it is always polite and even logical to not burn bridges with the things you say. You never know how life will turn out and you might just be doing what you swear off publicly the day before. At the very least you will be labelled a hypocrite. I am not sure about my current status since nobody confronted me about this before. I will be grateful if somebody did so that I will have the chance to defend myself or to understand where I went wrong. I personally try to give people the benefit of a doubt whenever I have the space but I really look forward to having people eat their own words. I guess some of you are hoping that I will make the same mistake too. Don't be shy about it, everyone shares the same sentiments.

Speaking of being a hypocrite, I just downed two Burger King burgers earlier complete with fries and soda. I know I have been promoting healthy eating and I am guilty as charged. I will just have to make sure my body can absorb it and come back good as new the day after. Burgers undeniably is the largest source of protein I can get with the limited amount of money I have. I know I am making excuses and you can just skip to the next paragraph if you are not curious as to how the hell will I defend myself. I have been increasing the intensity of my workouts and along the way I have resumed my usual consumption of carbohydrates. I do not skip 2 spoonfuls of rice for lunch or dinner anymore. Even so, it is still capped at under 3 bowls daily. Even with 2 burgers, the bread is not worth 2 bowls of rice and my noodles in the afternoon cannot even be considered 1 bowl. All this is just my rough calculation and I have no concrete proof of what I say. Same with my confidence in my muscle mass. A higher mass generally requires more for upkeep and growth so I am saying that I am experimenting with increased consumption to see how my body will react to it. However, I guess I shouldn't have so much fun with it now since I mentioned I will work harder for June. I will not cut back on my daily rice intake but I will cut bread and soda.

According to an article I read, your body needs to have just as much amount of carbohydrates as protein to grow and improve. The reason is that after a workout, the first thing that gets replenished would be our energy reserves and also any stressed muscle. Extra nutrients will then be assigned for growth. If you did not consume enough carbohydrates for restoration, your body will simply break down protein for storage and there will not be much left for muscle growth. Therefore this theory also explains why we need to develop our body in stages. You cannot diet and build impressive muscles at the same time. You complete one at a time in a proper order to achieve the best results. I undergo basic training for more than 6 months before I started working out properly and dieting. Once I reach a stable and comfortable weight, I start to experiment with muscle growth. I guess I should still stick to dieting since there has been no change to my abs. At the very least I hope I can cut down on another kg even though my limbs are kinda thin right now. Doesn't look nice except for funny conversation topics about how my blood will spurt out if I so much as scratch myself.

As you all have noticed by now, the tone of this title has resumed back to its informative nature instead of complaining about realities of life that will not change. Sometimes you just need to get it out somewhere. I guess it is similar to you keeping a secret from the world. You want to tell everyone, listen to what they have to say about it and add to your own opinion of the topic. People may say that I whine too much but then who doesn't nowadays? I would rather you call me a whiner than even take another day with my anger barrel spilling over. I will still be whining till I am old, complaining to my understanding future wife and I will be more than willing to return the favour. This is what couples do, we support each other, we lend a kind ear and sometimes a shoulder, we laugh and continue on our merry way. Seriously, if you never whine or your partner never whines to you, I do not believe you. Try not to judge whiners so harshly. Not everyone is as mature as you. Or as strong as you. Or as cool. Or as awesome. Some people say whiners are those who sit around and complain so they are pathetic. Dude, how can I fight against reality? There are things that you can change and there are things that you can't. To those with a religious opinion, I respect it but expect questioning and retorts. Hope you guys enjoyed this post as much as I do, take care and goodnight.