This is kind of an unplanned blog post. Well many things in life are unplanned and we just adapt to the situation right? If the title is still not obvious enough, I have been hit with an onslaught of events lately and thus is feeling rather down. I wouldn't use the word 'issues' because I don't think there are. Usually unplanned posts are based on extreme positivity or negativity. Maybe what our elders say is true, that we never truly appreciate what we are given until it is lost which explains why extreme positivity posts are few and far in between. We do tend to focus on negativity simply due to us being painfully aware of it for as long as it takes to heal or at least for it to pass. And painfully it is as not a day pass by that I am not reminded of what I do not have in one aspect of life or the other. Nowadays I crave the future so much simply because I know the present have nothing to offer me anymore. My circumstances will not change suddenly and perhaps it might be accurate to say I am hoping for a miracle to happen. There is always a chance life will make a turn and looking at how things are for me now, I couldn't wait for it. I do need to be ready for it.
Anyway, my body is far from ready. The more I read into it, the more it is indicated that having the diligence to exercise does not equate a fit and healthy body. Diet is more than half the battle, it is most of what the war is all about. I bet everyone have heard of the saying 'You cannot out-exercise a bad diet'. In the end, even in the path to health and fitness, hardwork is not enough. Maybe my routine is not half as severe as some of you readers out there but I think you will also think the same. Your body managed to reach that level is also due to what you can afford or manage to eat. I am not really looking forward to protein powder but I can't really afford quality protein food like chicken breasts and the occasional beef. I am only relying on eggs and canned tuna. Furthermore, I do not have the facility to cook either. Even though it is unfair to compare my circumstances with others but it is much more unfair to simply call me slow or that my workouts are useless. I know my progress is slow but I am already trying my best. Who doesn't want to have a great body?
Now I sit in my room with an irritated knee and heel because my shoes are so worn out, they cannot offer any effective support or padding anymore. I am effectively grounded unless I want to risk getting arthritis in 10 years time. And the only shoes I can afford are those general purpose sport shoes that will wear out in another 6 or so months. Better than nothing most would say. I simply cannot bring myself to spend money to buy proper shoes for running. Recently the money I have been saving is getting less due to dinners, suppers and events. And also to support whatever health food that I find to be cheapest and does not require a lot of preparation. And I still have a long list of things I need to buy. Yes, need, not want. I don't even have dumbbells that I can use effectively for my work outs. All I have is a single 4kg bell that I borrow from my housemate. Have you ever heard of someone building arm strength using a 4kg weight? Going to gym would mean I have to pay more and also to travel there. I still can't make out which is more cost-efficient but I refuse to go gym for several other reasons as well.
When will I ever reach the 'want' part of my buying list without jeopardizing all my needs? Should I change my job? Should I search harder for more freelance jobs? Risky though it may be? Should I rely on my professional contacts and ask them for career favours? Each option has so many different factors to consider. I am weighed down when I am at the peak of my life, when I should be travelling, exploring, and experiencing new things. Of course that is the most idealistic path and we should stick to reality right? I do not know how many more times I can convince myself that everything is going to be okay. That I am doing the best I can. That life has its ups and downs. People who try to give advice saying 'Everyone have their down time, cheer up' do not understand that I could not care less about others when I am down myself. Everyone also will die eventually but I do not want to die. If I could cheer up, I would have already. I thank you for your efforts but I am the kind that would do better with a pat on the back, a yumcha session or simply a sweet smile. Words can be misunderstood easily.
I have been chasing after the Korean entertainment scene for a while now and just received word that few of the idol groups are coming to Malaysia for performances. And I couldn't afford it. Worst still, I got friends that actually asked if I am interested. Shit like this does not happen frequently. When will I be able to afford it? When they retire? I never wanted to say no to people I enjoy hanging out with. Honestly, if I could do something about it, I will gladly spend time and energy because I enjoy your company too. Sadly, this is not meant to be. I know people that do not understand do not deserve to be friends but come on, how many times have you forgiven your friends for misunderstandings? If you cut off people simply because of 1 mistake, I am not sure if it is worth it. Mutual understanding and respect only happens by learning through mistakes. Therefore I can only apologize here if you are hurt by my rejection. I do not know if you will ever read this post, but please wait for me. I cannot guarantee it, but if my situation improves, I will not say no in the future.
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