Monthly update and 추석 잘 보내세요!

Apparently my previous post received a lot of hits due to the title being a common term. I never realized that blogs can get hits so easily. Well, I am not getting any money from this blog so doesn't really matter. Feels kinda bad misleading people though. Anyway, I need to get something off my chest. Someone voiced out that I am showing off my pictures in Facebook. So, here is what I want to say. Yes, I am showing off. I do not have a new car, I do not have expensive clothes, I did not go somewhere special or meet someone famous. The only thing I have to show off is the time and effort I spent on my body. Are you jealous then? If you think I am being a snob, then just unfriend me in Facebook. How different am I from people sharing pictures or screenshots of their achievements? Some simply want to show off course. What about those people that simply want to share? What about people with promises? Like me? If you choose to view my pictures in a negative light, I can't do anything. Just keep it to yourself. Maybe I am over-reacting or my way of thinking is wrong to you. But this is how I roll. Deal with it. If you can't make the move, just inform me. I will gladly delete you.

Alright feeling better already. The Korean titles for this blog post refer to what Koreans call our Mid-Autumn Festival. They celebrate it differently but it is a joyous occasion nonetheless. Hope everyone will enjoy the day and have fun. Don't worry I will not spoil the day, bad times can wait. So without further ado, my pictures and a slight explanation on camera angle

Well, I dare say I have managed some progress on my arms but nothing much on my chest or abs. Taking a hint from the recent body checkups I had, I might need to switch things up a bit. More on that later. My arm veins are finally complete though. I guess it is a simple matter for others but to me it marks a milestone. A year ago I did not do much strength training, fearing permanent changes. Now, my arms have lost enough fat and gained enough muscle to pop veins all the way up my shoulder. I guess pull-ups play a large role. I have only started pursuing it less than a month ago. I can't even do 5 properly. Like what I always mention, my muscles are more towards endurance muscles. Anyway, I train on the playground swing so the grip is bad and I have a lot of bruises on both my palms. Hopefully the bruises don't stay permanent.

Onwards to the camera angle theory. As you can see in the picture above, my arms look quite developed when it is actually not that impressive. Well I learn some of it from the shows I watch where they show what Korean idols actually do behind the scenes at photoshoots or commercials. They actually work out a sweat at the set to get pumped and practice numerous poses to display themselves better. The picture hides most of my body features leaving only a clump of flesh as the main object of focus so I look impressive. Honestly, how I look most of the time is displayed below.

With my body in full view, my arms straight and roundish, I simply look normal. This 'look' is actually what I am trying to pursue. I try to make my body relaxed most of the time. At the back of my head I always assume having tensed muscles all the time is bad. I have no proof of this and I think it won't look good having them bulge. Having a low profile is always better than being easily noticeable.  You have the strength when you need it but you can still blend in and get away with excuses when you want to avoid work. Posting this in a public blog will probably backfire but how many people actually read this anyway. Maybe next time I should include a picture of how I look with my clothes on. I think I look fat.

From this month onwards I am going to increase the intensity and duration of my exercises. I will go for slow runs on both Saturday and Sunday. I will try to keep my food intake especially carbohydrates down on the weekends as well. Previously I just devoured everything. I need to see if I can lose more fat. I will still have Wednesday as rest day. My strength training days will remain the same. I don't know how people can train with the same intensity everyday. I know about splitting my workouts to concentrate on certain muscle groups but I am not sure if I can last an hour pushing only my arms or my abs. If there is minimal change on October, then I will split my workout. Recently I have been getting inspiration from Olympians that train more than 9 hours a day. And here I am feeling tired barely more than an hour of exercise. Of course I should not compare with people that aims to be the best in the world, but if you want an example, why not take the best? 

Again I wish to say Happy Mid-Autumn Festival and do enjoy the day.

Health check

Just heard news about the death of someone close to a colleague recently. I guess death should never be taken so lightly. It strikes swiftly, without warning and without mercy. I breached the topic of suicide in a post not long ago but truthfully I try to go against it. I dare say with honesty that it has never consciously crossed my mind before. When I was young, a friend of mine took his life due to reasons unknown to me. At that time the concept of losing someone forever is still foreign to me since I have never experienced it. Once an elderly relative passed away, it hit me like a truck. Never will I see that person again. Never will I hear my name being called again. Never can we spend time together again. I realized the pain of losing someone close. I can then imagine the pain of my family losing me. Why would people commit suicide then? There is no logical reason behind it. No good will come from it. Therefore, it is ultimately caused by the loss of rationality at that moment of time. Emotions can break the strongest of reasons. As to why I crashed at that time though, I can offer no solid excuse or reason. I did not go out for dinner with my friends with the intention of harming myself.

Hopefully I put that topic to a deep sleep. I will try my best to be very careful on the road and avoid any potential accident hotspots. But I will not slack in my exercise. Like what I said before, nobody ever died due to over-exercising. My body won't let me anyway. There are times when the pain is so severe I just call it a day after 2-3 tries. Recently I went for a total body checkup and the preliminary results are out. One of my kidneys, my gall bladder and my liver recorded lower than average function. My thyroid hormone system is haywire. How they diagnose this without even going through my blood is beyond me, but if what they say is true, my diet is killing me. It is true you can't beat a bad diet with exercise. I guess 3 years of eating out, sleeping late and stress has taken its toll on my body. To those people living with their parents or at least comfortably, I envy you. Luckily my lungs seem okay so I can still continue driving my motorcycle. I was afraid my lungs being jeopardized due to the amount of pollution I inhale during my daily transit to work. The only good news so far is that my fat levels are lower than average and my muscle mass is higher than average. No where near an athlete's level yet.

I would like to have an athlete's body though. Anyway, the thyroid issue seems genuine though. A simple search yielded information about symptoms for hyperthyroidism and I fit the bill. I have increased appetite, I hate sweating, easily irritated, frequent bowel movements and sometimes have difficulty sleeping. I thought the increased appetite is simply due to me exercising more nowadays and the bowel movements are the natural consequence of that. Well, I think I need to wait for the full medical report before I draw any conclusions. However, it is always better to figure out what to do in advance in case I am really diagnosed with it. If you are wondering how I got it, I overdosed on iodine, which may seem highly likely considering my current diet. I eat a lot of eggs, I drink a lot of milk and when I cook, I use iodized salt not realizing that there is already ample amount of it in dairy. Hopefully there is no permanent damage to my body. I am still young, I hope I can start my 30s being as healthy as possible so I could enjoy life then. I wonder how do athletes control their iodine levels. Could iodized salt be that lethal? Maybe I should stop consuming it for a while. The coming week is already the last week of September and I still haven't went to gym. Keep your eyes open for my monthly update post this coming Saturday.

A random blog post

I actually thought about this whole post while walking to lunch. Here I am once again sitting in front my laptop typing but this time with some pain around the abdominal area. I have once again pushed myself too far to the edge of injury. But I will still go for jogging later. Some of you might think this is suicidal. I actually thought about that as well. Am I subconsciously driving myself to self-destruction? Is this the same feeling I had around 5 years ago when I zoned out on the road and crashed my motorcycle? The scars are still very much visible until today. At the time of the accident, I didn't feel any regrets nor was I afraid. Maybe because it happened so fast I didn't have time to think. Was I really trying to kill myself indirectly? If you think about it more, this is no different than suicide. For all I preach, I too am susceptible to it and this scares me. But then again, nobody ever died due to over-exercise. It is the truth though that my mentality has been in a state of chaos recently. Maybe it is seasonal or maybe shit is really hitting the fan. A lot of times I find myself complaining to people, thinking negative thoughts, being overly critical and easily annoyed.

Far from the positive posts I put up recently, this is more or less my true feelings. Optimism might seem like self-deceit because hope without basis is nothing but a lie. I am not pessimistic about the future either because nobody knows what the future holds. However, I am very sure of the present state of things and judging from experience, if nothing happens, my predicted future will unfold. The Korean idol obsession has died down somewhat not because I lost interest but because of self-awareness. I couldn't continue being obsessed when I came to the realization I am only forcing my feelings of interest onto another person that is funny and pretty. She is only as high as I decide to put her in my heart. But nothing good will come up from there except for a distraction to reality. It is but a pleasant dream and if I do not wake up, how long will I continue to lie to myself? That is what idols do. Project an image of perfection for people to love and cherish. I still indulge in looking for videos and staring at pictures but underneath it all I know it is impossible and there is only emptiness. What I said is by no means the general representation of all the other fans but it is simply my opinion of myself and my feelings.

Work hasn't been very kind to me either. The workload is still okay but it is the treatment that I receive and the overall management I think. Recently I find myself recounting the things I have done in the past or my experiences. And that only shows that the present is somewhat lacking for me to look back. Funny thing is the time I spent in my first company is by no means enjoyable. So this means that my current company is having a worst outlook than my first company until the past seems more enjoyable. However, we do only remember the best things most of the time so what I say may not hold weight. Nowadays I find myself being reduced to a glorified errand boy. I have no more energy to project opinions or argue suggestions. After fighting for more than a year, I have finally knelt down I think. Past projects are not very successful and I will be judged alongside those projects even though I gave 110% to it. No matter how good I am, how much effort I put into, it does not matter because the project tanked. So what is my skill worth? How am I different from a typist now? I fear I may never gain recognition for the things I do and I will be stuck in this position for a long time. Thoughts of quitting have surfaced thanks to the recent job alerts I received from numerous job portals.

Day in, day out I struggle with my feelings and my thoughts. I want to cry, I want to scream and I want to simply lie on the bed being dead in the eyes. Now I look forward to my exercise sessions. With each push I know I am gaining something in return. With each stride I yell inside me, releasing the pent up anger and stress. But I know this is not the way to live my life. Even with all this exercise, my mindset will destroy me in the end. I may require psychiatric help in the future. But I can only hope that I do not need it. As the days pass by, salvation seems more and more unlikely. I feel very sad when I listen to slow and emotional ballad songs. Sometimes I try to avoid those. You can only feel the sorrow when you have your own sad story. It is the same that you can only imagine the feelings involved in a romantic comedy when you have fallen hopelessly in love with someone before. This is not a suicidal declaration nor is it a plea for attention or help. This is my way of expressing myself. One does not simply be concerned when someone sang an emotional song during karaoke. So just treat this post as one of those songs. Or just listen to the background song.