A random blog post

I actually thought about this whole post while walking to lunch. Here I am once again sitting in front my laptop typing but this time with some pain around the abdominal area. I have once again pushed myself too far to the edge of injury. But I will still go for jogging later. Some of you might think this is suicidal. I actually thought about that as well. Am I subconsciously driving myself to self-destruction? Is this the same feeling I had around 5 years ago when I zoned out on the road and crashed my motorcycle? The scars are still very much visible until today. At the time of the accident, I didn't feel any regrets nor was I afraid. Maybe because it happened so fast I didn't have time to think. Was I really trying to kill myself indirectly? If you think about it more, this is no different than suicide. For all I preach, I too am susceptible to it and this scares me. But then again, nobody ever died due to over-exercise. It is the truth though that my mentality has been in a state of chaos recently. Maybe it is seasonal or maybe shit is really hitting the fan. A lot of times I find myself complaining to people, thinking negative thoughts, being overly critical and easily annoyed.

Far from the positive posts I put up recently, this is more or less my true feelings. Optimism might seem like self-deceit because hope without basis is nothing but a lie. I am not pessimistic about the future either because nobody knows what the future holds. However, I am very sure of the present state of things and judging from experience, if nothing happens, my predicted future will unfold. The Korean idol obsession has died down somewhat not because I lost interest but because of self-awareness. I couldn't continue being obsessed when I came to the realization I am only forcing my feelings of interest onto another person that is funny and pretty. She is only as high as I decide to put her in my heart. But nothing good will come up from there except for a distraction to reality. It is but a pleasant dream and if I do not wake up, how long will I continue to lie to myself? That is what idols do. Project an image of perfection for people to love and cherish. I still indulge in looking for videos and staring at pictures but underneath it all I know it is impossible and there is only emptiness. What I said is by no means the general representation of all the other fans but it is simply my opinion of myself and my feelings.

Work hasn't been very kind to me either. The workload is still okay but it is the treatment that I receive and the overall management I think. Recently I find myself recounting the things I have done in the past or my experiences. And that only shows that the present is somewhat lacking for me to look back. Funny thing is the time I spent in my first company is by no means enjoyable. So this means that my current company is having a worst outlook than my first company until the past seems more enjoyable. However, we do only remember the best things most of the time so what I say may not hold weight. Nowadays I find myself being reduced to a glorified errand boy. I have no more energy to project opinions or argue suggestions. After fighting for more than a year, I have finally knelt down I think. Past projects are not very successful and I will be judged alongside those projects even though I gave 110% to it. No matter how good I am, how much effort I put into, it does not matter because the project tanked. So what is my skill worth? How am I different from a typist now? I fear I may never gain recognition for the things I do and I will be stuck in this position for a long time. Thoughts of quitting have surfaced thanks to the recent job alerts I received from numerous job portals.

Day in, day out I struggle with my feelings and my thoughts. I want to cry, I want to scream and I want to simply lie on the bed being dead in the eyes. Now I look forward to my exercise sessions. With each push I know I am gaining something in return. With each stride I yell inside me, releasing the pent up anger and stress. But I know this is not the way to live my life. Even with all this exercise, my mindset will destroy me in the end. I may require psychiatric help in the future. But I can only hope that I do not need it. As the days pass by, salvation seems more and more unlikely. I feel very sad when I listen to slow and emotional ballad songs. Sometimes I try to avoid those. You can only feel the sorrow when you have your own sad story. It is the same that you can only imagine the feelings involved in a romantic comedy when you have fallen hopelessly in love with someone before. This is not a suicidal declaration nor is it a plea for attention or help. This is my way of expressing myself. One does not simply be concerned when someone sang an emotional song during karaoke. So just treat this post as one of those songs. Or just listen to the background song.