A letter to myself

This is a letter to myself. I have so much to say and yet I have none. Finally it is the close to end of 2012 and today is my birthday. By the way, the world did not end. I am officially 26 now and much have happened. Looking back throughout the year I should congratulate myself for handling it well since I am sitting here, still healthy and safe. I have finally moved out of my first rental room to another larger and more comfortable room. It is not perfect, but I think it is a good start. I am still working at the same company, without much problems. I have managed to avoid catastrophic errors and completed some projects. This year, my thoughts and opinions have changed hopefully for the better. I have removed many toxic contacts in Facebook, not because they are my enemies but because their updates feed my negative thoughts. Therefore, I think my mental well-being have improved. There is still much to be done but I think I have done my best. Dealing with people is a skill you polish through your lifetime after all.

There is but one thing. I am still poor. I could not buy many things that I wish for, including a birthday gift. However, all is not lost. Since last year, I have decided to give myself something that no money can purchase. Nobody can buy it for me. It is made with hard work, dedication and discipline. This should be one of the best things I can ever give myself.

This is not Korean superstar level yet but I am getting there. I will get myself there. For so many years I was teased for being fat. For so many years I have wished for a better body. Here it is buddy. Happy fucking Birthday. This is where everything you invest in is repaid with interest. That is not all. I wish that life will treat you better, find a great group of friends, excel at work, and generally have an awesome upcoming year. And Merry Christmas.

What is the truth?

What is the truth actually? I find out the hard way that the truth is something you believe in and not something that is real even if proven. Of course I try my best not to follow the trend but sometimes it is out of your control. A hundred lies can destroy one truth. There is nothing we can do about it. It means nothing if I know the truth when a hundred others simply dismiss what I say. Especially when there is no way I can reproduce the evidence. Perhaps this is why some people are labelled as insane or crazy simply because they believed in something else other than the norm. You cannot blame anyone in this matter. This is simply how the world, how our reality works right? This is different from keeping a secret. Not only can you not share the excitement of the truth, people might even step on it.

One bad rumor about you and you might face some serious problems in your social adventures. Even existing relationships with people will be threatened. You can never underestimate the power of opinions and suggestions. Do not expect people to get to know you before passing judgement. Sometimes one chance is all you get and one chance is all it takes. The truth is commanded by the popular, the influential and sometimes the strongest. The vanquished have no say in things. And those caught in the middle will follow the winning party to avoid unnecessary problems or simply to enjoy the spoils of war. It is human nature to secure an advantage whenever possible wherever possible. However, there are some very smart people who sway according to their own whims and to extend their own goals, independent of the current scenario. Those would be the deadliest.

It gets very lonely preaching your own truth. You need to be very disciplined and strong too. To withstand the insults. To withstand the betrayals by people close to you. Then at the end of the day, will the truth be worth it? What do you get from it? Broken relationships? How many people will actually thank you for the truth? It might even be too late. Idealistic people will say that people who do not even listen is not a friend. That is a very naive thing to say. I guess the best thing to do is to keep everything to yourself. Just grin lightly whenever your best friend spread lies. Attempts to correct the person will end horribly even when done away from the spotlight. Through all this madness, you will end up even doubting yourself. Is what you know actually the truth?

Life. Like the Movies

I have never thought of things this way but life is very similar to the movies you watch in the cinema. In the beginning, we have trailers and ads. Some of them boring, some of them interesting and some may perhaps be inspiring. Just like life, when we are young we tend to be influenced by many factors. We go around trying to experience different things trying to find our way. Sometimes it gets boring, sometimes you get inspired and wishes to pursue something else. Finally once the dust settles, you can say that you made the final choice of deciding to watch your movie or jump for a chance of a better movie. That is the opening credits and that is when life truly starts. You never know how the movie will turn out until you watch it. You never know how life will turn out until you live with your choice.

Somewhere along the way, you wait patiently for the story or action to pick up. Some could not wait, grew bored or tired and decided to walk away before finishing the movie. I think you understand what I am trying to say here. Sometimes the film jams up or a fire breaks out or the power gets cut. Then the movie ends abruptly due to unforeseen circumstances. There is nothing that can be done. I think that is much more of a waste because it never even had a chance. A choice is always a better circumstance than eating a decision made without your consent. For some people, the story is interesting from the start. Maybe they notice something that only makes sense to them. Maybe it was the right choice.

However, never judge a movie from the beginning. Some great movies start slowly and then progressively picks up speed before ending in such a way that you could only join in the standing ovation. Some movies lose their momentum from the start and turns into a confusing mess. This is what happens when there is no direction in the movie. Usually you can pick up a strong direction or a message from an award winning movie throughout the entire duration. Different genres offers different story flow as well. There are action movies, dramas, comedies, romance and fusions. The best recipe is the correct mix of everything and when it all comes together, the movie transforms into one hell of a ride.

Good or bad, when the movie ends we hate to leave the cinema. We would be sitting around, thinking about the highlights of the movie, trying to understand the ending or criticizing how horrible the movie was. All things must come to an end, and the end credits roll before the curtain falls. Such is life. I think it is a pretty accurate representation of how things are. And I am so excited about this comparison that I have to blog about it. It is true that we could gain inspiration from the most unlikely of places. Currently I think I am still watching some trailers while munching on popcorn. Sadly, I am sitting alone though. All is not lost, as the seat will remain vacant. Maybe someone will think that this movie is interesting as well and decides to watch it together.

I was in a depressed stupor for the past few days and thanks to a friend's touch I regained at least part of my senses. It is funny that I could not rely on friends or colleagues but it was someone pretty much outside of my usual circle that gave the awakening blow. What I needed was a conversation. A normal conversation about life, about stuff.  It was a simple gesture. To think that someone would bother to write so much, it is as if I got a break from the madness that surrounds me. I do not need a joke. I know people do not mean the things they say, but it stings all the same. Right here, right now, I thank you very much. I am sorry that I could not put your name. Please, know that you helped someone today and please, live well yourself. To the others, thank you for reading this far and enjoy the incoming holidays!

December 2012!!

Finally it is December. It has been one hell of a year. Thankful nonetheless. Without further ado,

This is me, without exercise, after a hot shower. Well I can't proof my claim, you just have to trust me. If I am at max pump mode, at least my arms will be larger. Yes, it can still go larger. With gym membership, I have access to a variety of upper body exercise tools. Most importantly I now have dumbbells. I am still in the process of learning how to use certain machines but this is much more better than relying on push ups and the swing bar. Doing the same thing over and over again will only weaken that set of muscles during the session. I still do push ups and chin ups, just that now I have dumbbells and the captain's chair machine to add more flavor. My current weight is hovering around 68kg. Water weight seems to be around 1kg. Shoes weigh around 500g if you want a very precise reading. At 177cm, I am considered slender now.

November was an exciting month with good news and bad news. Work has not been kind to me though. Even now I am still pondering whose fault was it, how and why. Perhaps I could have avoided it? You could say it is regret but also anguish. I know I should take responsibility but the other half of me refuse to simply shoulder all the blame. But all I can come up with are excuses. Sounds stupid right? I also learnt that you can never rely on Facebook for pick-me-ups by your contacts. Words that may sound sad to you can also be viewed as an opening for wordplay by others. Couple it with impeccable timing and you get a tight slap on the face about reality. I still do not understand but at least now I know that I should avoid it. I do not want to burn any bridges, so it was very difficult to swallow things. It is a thin fine line between being patient and being a coward. It is also a thin line between speaking up and being sensitive though.

Life is indeed a balancing act and you get punished without a break. Maybe just to make sure you remember it for the rest of your life. I guess everyone goes through shit once in a while. The way people deal with things are different. The supporting environment as well as various circumstances surrounding people are different. Therefore it is only obvious that we should not judge people harshly. Things like this could befall me, things 10 times worst could befall another too. There is no telling. There is no rule saying a person cannot fall below a certain threshold of bad luck. This applies to happiness too. I better stop over-analyzing stuff like this. Things getting a bit too gloomy. Like it or not, tomorrow comes again. We can only hope for a brighter future ahead. If you need something to hold onto, invest in yourself simply because you know you will gain from it. That is why I depend on my exercise routines. I know I am making progress. Maybe you can start learning a musical instrument or experiment with cooking. Another day means another chance to progress, to get better and to look forward to.