Recollection

I think the title is suitable for this post because thanks to the comment I received for my June post, I have been thinking why I act like I did and how I can improve myself. There is no argument with the point made, however, it is not to say I do not have my own opinion.  I am reminded about how someone I know in the past talked about me 'needing' other people as well. She was apparently disgusted that I do not live for myself and find happiness in others. I am not sure if I really felt that way more than 10 years ago(?) but perhaps I meant that my life is not my own and I find joy in helping others and being an influence in the lives of others. My path, my feelings and my thoughts are not crafted by myself alone. I came this far via the advice, opinions, experience and feelings of others. And my future is not meant to be handled selfishly either. Which filial son do not wish to repay his parents? Which responsible husband do not wish to provide happiness for his wife? If I think only for myself, I dare say I will not be the person that I am today. I do not know if it is wrong to say I practically live for others but I still find joy in my day to day life by myself. Much to my chagrin, I do not have that many friends to hang out with and I am living independently in KL.

Onwards to my opinion on friends. First of all, people seldom do feel regret or bad once they hurt someone unless that person is very important and it was an accident or misunderstanding. We are constantly aware of what we do or say contrary to popular belief. Words hurt because it was filled with intention to hurt. It is the same with actions. I am sure everyone have 'friends' that are 'expendable'. They are nice to have but if the friendship ends, nothing much either. To me, I try not to handle friendship that way. A friend is a friend to the end. Growing up in Ipoh with the influence of gangs and perhaps TVB dramas, me and my neighbourhood friends have a strict code of loyalty. I still keep in touch with them even when I lost touch with secondary school friends and university friends. Therefore, a person is either a real friend or just a person I know. Either I keep you very close or I keep you very distant. My view on this might seem to be a bit over the top and serious for most which is not preferable. If I want to continue about my past experiences with bad people, it will take me the whole day literally. So to sum it up, before you judge someone for who he is now, why not try to spare a thought as to why he is so? If you can view people in a positive light, then spare me the benefit of a doubt that 'perhaps he has been hurt real bad'.

Of course I never wanted to doubt people. I have always wanted a peaceful and joyful life with my colleagues and the people I know. It is a win-win situation for everyone if it really turned out that way. On another note, this might come out as being sexist, but I think gender plays a role in how you view friendships. Though generally most of it is the same I guess. I am not too sure but coming from my observation, I find that females are better at keeping friends and keeping a straight face while throwing daggers. Isolation is one of the most painful things to happen to any person and I see it quite often when you are not part of the 'popular' group or you share a different opinion. Are we supposed to bend unconditionally in order to have 'friends'? What value does these 'friends' have then? Life as we know it grows complicated exponentially in time. When we are young, a name is all we need. Now people consider 'value' and 'attraction'. Well this post seems like I am nitpicking on the comment but please do not think of it that way. As you say, perhaps the reason why I have few friends is because I do not trust them in the first place. Both parties are waiting for each other to trust and in the end we come out stalemate. Much like a relationship. I think I should stop here since it seems like the topic keeps on growing and I am very very sleepy. Take care.

Important pain

Coming straight from the post yesterday, I would like to say that I am still doing natural exercises and not eating those protein powders. I still do not go to gym and I still rely on my own knowledge and experience to work out. I obtain my extra protein by eating 2 cans of tuna a week, 3 eggs a day for 3 days in a week, a lot of salad and cooked chicken that I purchase from the supermarket. Other than that, I am eating cooked food widely available everywhere such as economy rice, noodles and such but I avoid fried food or fast food whenever possible. I give myself an opening to have fast food once a week or some heavy food to avoid burning out from the diet. I have stopped consuming almonds as snacks due to the simple fact that they are very fattening when in excess. And it is easy to get carried away munching as you go about your daily routine. I still do not have training equipment in my room except for a 4kg dumb bell which I use mainly for warm up exercises. Almost everything is done using my body weight and furniture to provide me with the elevation to make things challenging. I do not think I have a lot of strength simply because my muscles are obvious. After all, I could not challenge my arms beyond how much my body weighed. Currently I am only 69kg and it might fluctuate both ways. And I have no access even to do chin-ups, so my back still looks average.

Onwards to the title, I first happen upon this term while I was reading the status of a friend in Facebook. It is what you think literally which means pain that is important. It sounds stupid but if you give it some thought, there are multiple painful experience or memories that we still hold on to simply because it is very important to us. Either due to the event itself or the people involved. It is simply unforgettable and will forever hold a special space in your heart. I have always treated the pain of my past as a curse and never think of them as 'important'. I wished I was more easy-going and oblivious sometimes. However, with this thought in mind, and the realization that the reason I am addicted to music is for the emotions it generates, I find that the pain is important to me. Maybe I feel alive or maybe I am simply reminded of what I hate, what I am trying to fix and thus what I am fighting for. Perhaps this is why some people enjoy listening to sad songs, getting immersed and singing along to it. There is some sort of enjoyment to it. I do not think that we are masochistic, but simply we subconsciously come to depend on it. When we have nothing much to cling to, we cling to whatever we can.

Nowadays I am getting flustered at the people in my daily life. Of course there are exceptions but the majority of the interactions I have are either meaningless banter or simply a reply. As I always say, I wish I have a wider array of people to talk to but sadly that is not the case. If the few people who is willing to listen are the same ones that throw daggers at you, will you shut them out and keep everything inside or just shut out your feelings? Instead of choosing people to take seriously as a friend, I chose to ignore almost everyone. And from there I became reliant on fantasy and dreams. Constantly exposing myself to dramas and comics to escape from the reality of my situation. I am already knee-deep in idol-worshipping as I numb my senses with nothing short of ideal personalities and scenarios hoping that one day I will meet them. I am well aware that the chances of it happening is more or less zero but I would rather bet on that than the people around me. To say I gave up on people might be an understatement. Reflecting on what I blogged yesterday, I am sorry to those who sincerely cared for me or meant every single word they said. Will I be beyond salvation? This protective bubble that I weave will not last long as reality will soon crush it relentlessly reminding me that I will not escape. I am actually at a loss of words as to how should I explain myself properly but this is the best I could come up with. We all have different defence mechanism in place to deal with reality, and it so happens this is my choice.

June 2012 Monthly Update

Sorry for the late update but here is my latest picture. Well I don't think the changes are obvious but I guess I did good on my arms and my chest this month. I have been trying to pump my abs harder but they are not very responsive as usual. Anyway, this coming month I will be upping my protein intake when I finally buy a rice cooker. I can then cook eggs, meat, and whatever it is that I want to experiment with. However it is not possible to actually eat healthy food all the time since I still go out for lunch with colleagues and hang out with friends. I will try my best to make educated choices to the best of my ability. My shoes are finally worn out so I won't be running till I get myself a new shoe. I doubt it will be soon and so I decide to try sticking to pure strength training for the entire month and see how my body reacts to it. This coupled with increased protein should have a positive effect on muscle growth though I am unsure if it will affect my liver or something else. I will need to make good on my intention of getting a health check soon.

The past month has been more or less a roller-coaster month for me. Of course there are ups and downs but never so violent I guess. In some instances I am even unsure how to react to it. But nevertheless I am constantly reminded of myself, my past and my hopes for the future. I am forced to reflect and to evaluate myself almost daily. It is very tiring by itself and things sometimes get worst when I am really tired from the day's work. A project is finishing soon so I need to do my best ensuring everything works as intended. It is unavoidable that I will feel too lazy to do anything though. I am sure everyone feels the same once in a while. I am not really nervous about it. Anyway, speaking of reactions, recently I helped out some of my colleagues and I doubted their sincerity when they expressed gratitude. It was terrible of me. I didn't think the problem was such a big deal though it was quite serious but somehow I feel uncomfortable with being appreciated. I always mention I wanted acknowledgement but I have always doubted words. Simply because words have always betrayed me in the past.

I wonder when will I be able to trust someone. Will I end up scaring people away? Though it is nothing new I guess. Day in day out I am constantly annoyed by the things people say. Even though I am more or less accustomed to it, it doesn't mean I am comfortable with it. I still feel offended. So I usually just ignore what people say. Sometimes I do wish I have more choices in friends. But you can't choose what cards you are dealt at the table. Just play your deck the best you can. I do not get the strength to go on simply via willpower or motivation. I find strength from others, from the things other people do when there is nothing in my life. I am not ashamed to rely on others for a purpose. I am not ashamed to admit that my priorities are shared with other people in my life. They are worth that much. If you cannot carry on your job for yourself, think about your family, think about your partner, think about the people around you. I will continue living, not only for myself, but for the people I care and also for the infinite possibilities of the future. Who knows who will I meet tomorrow? Let me finish this post with a quote I like and I guess it simply reflects everything that I am working for currently.

Everytime you look at someone, there will almost always be someone else looking at you. I am painfully aware that not everyone is fortunate enough to be blessed with love, but let me at least be able to love you with everything that I have.