Recollection

I think the title is suitable for this post because thanks to the comment I received for my June post, I have been thinking why I act like I did and how I can improve myself. There is no argument with the point made, however, it is not to say I do not have my own opinion.  I am reminded about how someone I know in the past talked about me 'needing' other people as well. She was apparently disgusted that I do not live for myself and find happiness in others. I am not sure if I really felt that way more than 10 years ago(?) but perhaps I meant that my life is not my own and I find joy in helping others and being an influence in the lives of others. My path, my feelings and my thoughts are not crafted by myself alone. I came this far via the advice, opinions, experience and feelings of others. And my future is not meant to be handled selfishly either. Which filial son do not wish to repay his parents? Which responsible husband do not wish to provide happiness for his wife? If I think only for myself, I dare say I will not be the person that I am today. I do not know if it is wrong to say I practically live for others but I still find joy in my day to day life by myself. Much to my chagrin, I do not have that many friends to hang out with and I am living independently in KL.

Onwards to my opinion on friends. First of all, people seldom do feel regret or bad once they hurt someone unless that person is very important and it was an accident or misunderstanding. We are constantly aware of what we do or say contrary to popular belief. Words hurt because it was filled with intention to hurt. It is the same with actions. I am sure everyone have 'friends' that are 'expendable'. They are nice to have but if the friendship ends, nothing much either. To me, I try not to handle friendship that way. A friend is a friend to the end. Growing up in Ipoh with the influence of gangs and perhaps TVB dramas, me and my neighbourhood friends have a strict code of loyalty. I still keep in touch with them even when I lost touch with secondary school friends and university friends. Therefore, a person is either a real friend or just a person I know. Either I keep you very close or I keep you very distant. My view on this might seem to be a bit over the top and serious for most which is not preferable. If I want to continue about my past experiences with bad people, it will take me the whole day literally. So to sum it up, before you judge someone for who he is now, why not try to spare a thought as to why he is so? If you can view people in a positive light, then spare me the benefit of a doubt that 'perhaps he has been hurt real bad'.

Of course I never wanted to doubt people. I have always wanted a peaceful and joyful life with my colleagues and the people I know. It is a win-win situation for everyone if it really turned out that way. On another note, this might come out as being sexist, but I think gender plays a role in how you view friendships. Though generally most of it is the same I guess. I am not too sure but coming from my observation, I find that females are better at keeping friends and keeping a straight face while throwing daggers. Isolation is one of the most painful things to happen to any person and I see it quite often when you are not part of the 'popular' group or you share a different opinion. Are we supposed to bend unconditionally in order to have 'friends'? What value does these 'friends' have then? Life as we know it grows complicated exponentially in time. When we are young, a name is all we need. Now people consider 'value' and 'attraction'. Well this post seems like I am nitpicking on the comment but please do not think of it that way. As you say, perhaps the reason why I have few friends is because I do not trust them in the first place. Both parties are waiting for each other to trust and in the end we come out stalemate. Much like a relationship. I think I should stop here since it seems like the topic keeps on growing and I am very very sleepy. Take care.