Important pain

Coming straight from the post yesterday, I would like to say that I am still doing natural exercises and not eating those protein powders. I still do not go to gym and I still rely on my own knowledge and experience to work out. I obtain my extra protein by eating 2 cans of tuna a week, 3 eggs a day for 3 days in a week, a lot of salad and cooked chicken that I purchase from the supermarket. Other than that, I am eating cooked food widely available everywhere such as economy rice, noodles and such but I avoid fried food or fast food whenever possible. I give myself an opening to have fast food once a week or some heavy food to avoid burning out from the diet. I have stopped consuming almonds as snacks due to the simple fact that they are very fattening when in excess. And it is easy to get carried away munching as you go about your daily routine. I still do not have training equipment in my room except for a 4kg dumb bell which I use mainly for warm up exercises. Almost everything is done using my body weight and furniture to provide me with the elevation to make things challenging. I do not think I have a lot of strength simply because my muscles are obvious. After all, I could not challenge my arms beyond how much my body weighed. Currently I am only 69kg and it might fluctuate both ways. And I have no access even to do chin-ups, so my back still looks average.

Onwards to the title, I first happen upon this term while I was reading the status of a friend in Facebook. It is what you think literally which means pain that is important. It sounds stupid but if you give it some thought, there are multiple painful experience or memories that we still hold on to simply because it is very important to us. Either due to the event itself or the people involved. It is simply unforgettable and will forever hold a special space in your heart. I have always treated the pain of my past as a curse and never think of them as 'important'. I wished I was more easy-going and oblivious sometimes. However, with this thought in mind, and the realization that the reason I am addicted to music is for the emotions it generates, I find that the pain is important to me. Maybe I feel alive or maybe I am simply reminded of what I hate, what I am trying to fix and thus what I am fighting for. Perhaps this is why some people enjoy listening to sad songs, getting immersed and singing along to it. There is some sort of enjoyment to it. I do not think that we are masochistic, but simply we subconsciously come to depend on it. When we have nothing much to cling to, we cling to whatever we can.

Nowadays I am getting flustered at the people in my daily life. Of course there are exceptions but the majority of the interactions I have are either meaningless banter or simply a reply. As I always say, I wish I have a wider array of people to talk to but sadly that is not the case. If the few people who is willing to listen are the same ones that throw daggers at you, will you shut them out and keep everything inside or just shut out your feelings? Instead of choosing people to take seriously as a friend, I chose to ignore almost everyone. And from there I became reliant on fantasy and dreams. Constantly exposing myself to dramas and comics to escape from the reality of my situation. I am already knee-deep in idol-worshipping as I numb my senses with nothing short of ideal personalities and scenarios hoping that one day I will meet them. I am well aware that the chances of it happening is more or less zero but I would rather bet on that than the people around me. To say I gave up on people might be an understatement. Reflecting on what I blogged yesterday, I am sorry to those who sincerely cared for me or meant every single word they said. Will I be beyond salvation? This protective bubble that I weave will not last long as reality will soon crush it relentlessly reminding me that I will not escape. I am actually at a loss of words as to how should I explain myself properly but this is the best I could come up with. We all have different defence mechanism in place to deal with reality, and it so happens this is my choice.