Running Late

I would like to apologize for being late this time around. Well there isn't much to look at I suppose. After today's gym session I think I have reached my body maximum for some workouts. Either I have reached the peak for my current muscle stature and weight category or I need to enforce some other muscles to push myself further. Our body is an entire system of muscles so it should not be confusing to say one muscle complex can directly influence the performance of others. Nonetheless I have been improving slowly but surely. Another approach I can attempt is simply to gain more weight. Once I reach my target strength level, I can slowly shape my body properly and focus on maintaining it. Anyway, without further ado, a blur picture of myself. Yes, I still do not own a smartphone or a good camera.

Perspective and angle plays a major role in stuff like this. Take for example a frontal pic

Yes, the slant is on purpose but you get the idea. Besides, the scar on my first pic looks bad ass. It was an awesome part of my life. I am just thankful I survived that accident and have been doing well physically until now. I am sure many people say I complain a lot but I do know how to be thankful. Furthermore, most of my complaints are not based on a greedy need but simply what I think I deserve. I know I am already very good compared to some unfortunate people out there but that does not mean I should not strive higher. Or I should just be satisfied with what I have and keep quiet while I feel betrayed? Frankly speaking, I am not that noble. 

I am working hard to improve my own life and that means something. You do not have to throw the African kid at me all the time. I donated money through the proper channels once before, even when I am still fighting for a better life. Go check my Facebook photo album. If you have so much time to be picking on people, why don't you pick on people who waste money or their life away? I was actually wondering what to write for this blog post but it looks like my inspiration has once more been restored. Now things simply flow. I have experienced enough that I have plenty to say and do not need to plan out the post.

Speaking about happenings, I guess the first month of the year is pretty intense already. I was recently offered a heavy responsibility for a chance to prove myself after I throw ideas at the door for a year or more. I was given the chance to have partial ownership of almost every aspect of a product I developed. My first opinion? It is a farce. I am supposed to sell ideas to the boss and then implement it in his stead if he agrees. I fear I may be held accountable for everything though. There is no saying if he will reject everything I sell.

Anyway, what do I really know about marketing or sales? Why can't I just provide ideas and have the marketing people be in charge of it instead of me being the bloodhound chasing them without proper power. This is not a promotion. Wouldn't it make more sense to have the proper people handling whatever it is they are good at? Feels like I am getting the short end of the stick here. Isn't this the trick where upper management offers something ridiculous, you reject, and they said they already given a chance? How much longer will I need to prove myself? When will the company prove itself? And why must I ask not what the company can do for me after everything I have done for the company? I am not asking for 3 months bonus before I finish the project. I am asking for acknowledgement that I did a fine job after I finish the project. There is a line between loyalty and stupidity. 

Why the company never bothers to find out why my trust and loyalty is so low? I feel I have no future here. I have spent so many months on the damn project. I am sure everyone did. The results are below expectation. And the best plan is to make more enhancements and delegate responsibility to the developer? Does this mean if I were to put my heart and soul into the next big project it will be all for nothing again? No matter how good I am, no matter how wonderful the final product is, it does not mean anything because success is determined by numerous other factors. The perfect database can be spoiled by wrong data. The best tool is useless if nobody knows how to utilize it. The problem, is not something I can fix.

I know I can get in trouble for this post, but for my colleagues, if you want a gist of my recent thoughts, here you go. If you know my superior, just say I am bad ass. You do not have to agree with me because this is nothing but a one-sided rant. And this is how I am viewing things. If it is wrong, please correct me. If you think I do not care about the company, check your inbox. Most likely I have sent an e-mail to everyone in the company at least once, regarding work. To those who say the company is rich, no successful person ever fall back on that excuse when they fail. It does not matter how big your reserves are, if you do not know how to use it. 

Recent happenings~

It has been a while since I have written a post. Previously I will occasionally drop a post every now and then just to keep myself entertained. I guess I have been too lazy. The lack of writing has gotten to my head and now here I am once again. Somehow it feels nice to write out what I think and what I feel. My thoughts and opinions on certain issues. Reminding myself on what I did wrong, what I have to do and what I am hoping for. Guess I just enjoy being with myself. Whether this is actually a coping mechanism for loneliness or my natural behavior, I myself cannot tell. But why complicate things? I have bigger concerns to deal with most of the time.

A lot of things happened throughout the past month. I will elaborate about my fitness this weekend so I will just skip that boring part. A colleague left the company and another one arrived. Some interns came as well. Feels nice to have new people around but there is still a big gap since the interns are at a different floor. Took a flight to Penang for a company event early this week. It has been a long time since I rode in an airplane. Almost 20 years to be exact. It was fun and I hope I can do it again. But as I stare outside into the clouds, I know it may not be possible.

I guess the major breakthrough would be my personal perspective. I am still very bitter. However, I am learning how to handle the bitterness. The reason I say this is because the sadness and anger will emerge only when I let it go. Even then, it is more like a contained outburst. I felt I have improved my mental state for the better. At the very least I have learnt that like myself, people have multiple facets to their personality and it is wrong of me to judge them based only on one of them. It is very hard to do this when you only have access to a side most of the time. There are surprises everywhere.

This may mean that others judge me the same way too. I am not sure if I manage to project the entirety of my personality to people but I think the other party might find it suffocating. All of us have different personalities to deal with different scenarios and environments. I guess the key to enjoy relationships of another is how to avoid the dealing with the bad parts and bring out the good parts. Now I wonder, just how many of this rough gems have I let go? Or maybe it has just been far too long since I had a nice chat with someone and coincidentally, it was not someone I like in particular. It feels like only now I am learning how to properly live, how to think and how to interact with others. I hope one day, I will learn how to be happy too. I think I have mastered how to make people laugh though.

A letter to myself

This is a letter to myself. I have so much to say and yet I have none. Finally it is the close to end of 2012 and today is my birthday. By the way, the world did not end. I am officially 26 now and much have happened. Looking back throughout the year I should congratulate myself for handling it well since I am sitting here, still healthy and safe. I have finally moved out of my first rental room to another larger and more comfortable room. It is not perfect, but I think it is a good start. I am still working at the same company, without much problems. I have managed to avoid catastrophic errors and completed some projects. This year, my thoughts and opinions have changed hopefully for the better. I have removed many toxic contacts in Facebook, not because they are my enemies but because their updates feed my negative thoughts. Therefore, I think my mental well-being have improved. There is still much to be done but I think I have done my best. Dealing with people is a skill you polish through your lifetime after all.

There is but one thing. I am still poor. I could not buy many things that I wish for, including a birthday gift. However, all is not lost. Since last year, I have decided to give myself something that no money can purchase. Nobody can buy it for me. It is made with hard work, dedication and discipline. This should be one of the best things I can ever give myself.

This is not Korean superstar level yet but I am getting there. I will get myself there. For so many years I was teased for being fat. For so many years I have wished for a better body. Here it is buddy. Happy fucking Birthday. This is where everything you invest in is repaid with interest. That is not all. I wish that life will treat you better, find a great group of friends, excel at work, and generally have an awesome upcoming year. And Merry Christmas.