August 2012

It is once more time for my monthly update. Surprisingly on this month of festivities I did not have the opportunity to rest and I think I have lost weight. More on that later. My upper body figure did not change much I think.

My torso looks like it lost a lot of weight and is a bit flabby. Well, it was a hectic month after all. Let me start from the Hari Raya holidays. I went back to my hometown Ipoh to meet up with friends as well as to recover my health. I am not sick but I was hoping I could sleep as much as I want to and eat as much as I want to. I was very wrong about the sleeping part. Again I was brought out by my neighbourhood friends to pubs, yumcha sessions and gaming. This is the very same thing that happened last time. Once I went back Ipoh but did not notify them because it was only a short holiday. However, somehow it didn't feel right. At the very least, the pub we visited had awesome crew members that dance Gangnam Style as well as a handful of other Korean songs. I was very tempted to embarrass myself but thankfully managed to refrain before I regret for the rest of my life.

When I came back from the trip, it was time for me to concentrate on a big project I was assigned to. In summary, it wasn't a complete failure but it wasn't a complete success either. The weight is very heavy. I lost some sleep trying to make sure the launching ceremony went through without a hitch. But even now I am still cleaning up mess after mess. At first I was contemplating if the blame rests squarely on me but I came up with a good way of expressing the problem statement. Imagine you are selected to represent your country in badminton for the Olympic games. However, your country can only provide you with a bad racquet. You did not win any medals during the games. Who do you blame? Your own inadequacy or the equipment you were provided? Now in the aftermath, will you keep on practicing knowing that the next Olympic games you might be faced with the very same situation? It is not entirely your fault but you can't blame your country either. You will never know the answer since there is nothing for you to compare with.

Going back to personal development, I will be moving to an office with gym facilities soon. Of course I need to pay but at a greatly reduced price. So the pictures I posted today will be the last pictures that I can claim 'gymless' because I finally decided to utilize a gym to see what I am truly capable of. I am still consuming ordinary food you can buy from supermarkets or coffee-shops. Earlier I had my dinner at a mamak stall. Maybe this will change soon as well. In another front, I was reminded of how my unpredictability frustrates people. I think my social skills improved a lot but it is still nowhere being good I guess. Communication is key in this case. I need to make my issues clear but so does the other party so that we could improve on our friendship. However, I can blame the recent issues for my sudden outburst. At least those stressful situations are useful for being an excuse. Feels like my life has been cut short by a few years within the span of 2 weeks. Hope things will resolve soon. Take care and enjoy the long weekend for Malaysians~

Exciting month

I decided to write this post because I know I will not be able to fit in all the updates into the monthly post due next week. This month has been very exciting with changes in almost every aspect of my life. I am still single though. First of all, I finally moved to a new place. I can't be taking my laptop all over the place so here is a snapshot of my room

The room is very comfortable compared to where I used to stay. I don't want to spam this post with pictures so please check my Facebook account for a snapshot of the infamous indoor window in my ex-room. Of course it is a rather steep price hike but good things are not cheap. After staying for 2 weeks, so far so good. I am still not familiar with my housemates and they don't seem too keen to mingle around so I don't mind the status quo. 

My second update being the purchase of my new pair of shoes. It may not seem like much but the purchase is long overdue. I changed my entire exercise routine to focus more on strength training simply because I couldn't run on the track anymore without risking injury with my old shoes. Without further ado, another picture.

It looks expensive but I assure you, it is not. As long as I can run properly, I am happy. I went for a short jog earlier today to gauge my current stamina. Found out I can only run half of how much I used to run previously. I got a lot of work in front of me. I think I can have everything now. Both stamina as well as strength. At the very least, I will try my best.

This is not a new update but I just manage to pick up the item when I return home for the public holidays recently. A month or so ago, I spent some money to buy myself a ticket to a small concert or a showcase as they name it of a female Korean idol group. This is the first time I actually spent money on a musical performance of any kind. I have never attended concerts or performances since form 1 I think. Picture proof below.

 

It is none other than T-ARA. They were the subject of my grief a few posts ago when they announced that one of their members will be leaving the group. It is true we can never predict the future. I hope nothing else will happen and I will be able to attend the showcase and leave feeling content. I was only a fan of the member who left after she cut her hair so I guess the impact is not that big. But she does have some vital parts in some of the popular songs which makes me curious as to how they will handle it.

I know I will probably receive some flak for complaining about no money after I publish this post but the money comes from my piggy bank with money I saved up. However, there is another thing I learnt recently, forsake them the same way you were forsaken. An eye for an eye. I can never claim to be better than them, but at least I will feel better inside. And I can save myself from future heartache. It is a pity that some relationships have to be ended this way. 10 times I said hi, 10 times I was ignored. If you only reply when you feel like it, what does that make me? It is too tiring to be better or to be good. I will still try my best to improve myself but it is a long and painful road. This applies to both my mental and also my physical aspect. Be prepared to check out my upcoming post next week. I don't think my body improved a great deal since end of July but with my recent trip back home, I hope I managed to flesh out my body more with home cooked food.

Remind yourself

Looking at the title, I bet you will be thinking that I am going to start being depressed of the current state of affairs in my life. Again. I know it took me a while but I have a better idea. I will try to remind myself of how far I have come for a change.

I am sure some of you have seen the picture above. Yeah, I merged some of my progress photos that I have in my Facebook account. The first one is actually in a private album because it is obviously pretty embarrassing to show it even to friends. Some of my friends gave encouraging comments stating that the difference is very visible. I am very happy upon getting them. Compliments are always welcomed for the ego. A great source of motivation to increase my efforts as well. My progress is nothing compared with some others but at least it is an achievement I can proudly call my own. I did it my own way, within some unfavorable constraints and I think it is only logical that I take credit for everything I have done. Anyone could have done the same provided they have the same amount of dedication as well as resources. I am not born with a fit body. I was 88kg for crying out loud. If you are handicapped, then sure, I understand your standpoint.

On another hand, if you know me from back then, I guess you would have never even imagined I could turn out like this. I myself would not have believed it back then either. But this is how it is. I dare say at the very least I look better. We live in a society that generally favors those that provide a good impression. I do not have the financial capability to deck out my appearance with top-end clothing or gadgets. I am still using a standard handphone. But what I can do is at least make that cheap T-shirt look like it is worth more. To some guys, and to most girls, why not just make the small step to be what you could be? Some girls have a very cute face but the body seems unhealthy. What is wrong with being healthy? To be pretty, to be desirable is something females like as much as materialistic possessions right? I do not look awesome, nor am I born with a handsome face, but at least I do not have belly fat or a double chin. How many of you cringe when the guy with awesome arms and face removes his shirt only to reveal flab?

Some people I know are apparently having doubts regarding their choices. Thankfully I am still able to hold strong to mine. If you do not commit everything to your choice, you will definitely end up with nothing. If you chose money, you are bound to sacrifice the other aspects of your life for it. Remind yourself of your position, your target and your distance from it. Review what else you are gaining from the journey. I chose life, and I sacrifice most materialistic gains for it as well. I dedicate everything to it, make the most out of my choice. I believe whatever I wanted to, not knowing if it will provide expected returns. With each tired push during my workouts I pushed away my doubts. It has got to work. It got to the point where I told myself, it will work. Now, happy with some small gains, I carry on. With the recent Olympic games going on, take inspiration from them. They prepared 4 years for uncertainty. Some win some lose. How many years we spent on our choices? We are nothing compared to them. And I aspire to at least match their dedication in my own way. I may lose in terms of monetary property, I may lose in the social game but I told myself, I will not lose in willpower, the one thing everyone is equal in. In a fair field, I will prove myself in my own way. As dedicated as you are in looking for money, I am dedicated to living my life. As your bank account swells, so will my knowledge, my experience and my soul. It is okay if you think you are better, because I am the one who keep tabs for myself.

Slapped by reality

Finally something that I fear has happened. Just like that, in the span of one day, one of the idol groups I have been worshiping kicked out a member. I thought it will never happen. Not until I go and watch their concert. Not until I save up enough money to support their albums. Not until I visited their recording studio at South Korea. But reality never gave me the chance to show how much I cared. It was taken away from me coldly. Never again will I see them perform in a full unit. Never again will I hear her singing the favorite parts of the song. You might say I am over-reacting to this, but what happened to them can apply to all other facets of life. This is simply a small example reality is showing me. Reality is slapping me in the face with the fact that anything and everything can be taken away from me at anytime without warning. I was not allowed even this small luxury, this small indulgence of cheering for one of my favorite idol groups. Which idol group will fall next? Am I suppose to assume that each concert they perform might be their very last? Am I suppose to assume that anything I cherish could be taken away from me in an instant? No matter what I do?

I have already realized that things do not last forever. I have already been trying my best to save money in order to afford a concert ticket, to travel overseas, to enjoy what I truly desire. Was it too much? What am I allowed to wish for? What am I really entitled to? It feels that no matter what I do, it will be futile. But I have no way of finding out what my efforts will lead to until I try it out. Almost everything is unpredictable. In a crossroad, we can never take both paths. We can only choose one. And whenever we hit a wall in our path, we tend to wonder if this is the right path. Even though deep down we know the only way is forward, we will still wonder about it because this is human nature. I wonder if one can be so confident that there will be no doubts in each step. Blind faith? I also realize there is no sympathy in reality. If you flip a coin, the odds of it showing tails every time can be regarded as the same as showing heads. That is simply how it should be. Thus the term 'shit happens'. Because that is how it is. There is no guarantee that good things will happen after a series of unfortunate events.

When there are times that what I wished for is handed to me in a silver platter, I will be too ignorant to cherish it and behave foolishly. I do not know how to react when something good happens to me. In the back of my head there are more fear than happiness. I freeze, I panic wondering if I should take it or not. Sometimes I wish I can stop looking at shadows in every corner and simply focus on the flowers in front of me. Perhaps it is something that I need to learn and master. I have no idea where to start, but I guess at least there is a general direction in what I should be improving. I never enjoyed dwelling on my thoughts but sometimes things just come. Everything I have described are simply some of my insecurities in life. Each time I fall into a hole, I need to dig myself out. People may try to help, but sometimes it ended with them unintentionally burying me even more. I know that I have issues and I am not strong enough so there is no need to reiterate how weak I am. Must I walk around eggshells even when I am trying to express my fears and seek support?