Finally something that I fear has happened. Just like that, in the span of one day, one of the idol groups I have been worshiping kicked out a member. I thought it will never happen. Not until I go and watch their concert. Not until I save up enough money to support their albums. Not until I visited their recording studio at South Korea. But reality never gave me the chance to show how much I cared. It was taken away from me coldly. Never again will I see them perform in a full unit. Never again will I hear her singing the favorite parts of the song. You might say I am over-reacting to this, but what happened to them can apply to all other facets of life. This is simply a small example reality is showing me. Reality is slapping me in the face with the fact that anything and everything can be taken away from me at anytime without warning. I was not allowed even this small luxury, this small indulgence of cheering for one of my favorite idol groups. Which idol group will fall next? Am I suppose to assume that each concert they perform might be their very last? Am I suppose to assume that anything I cherish could be taken away from me in an instant? No matter what I do?
I have already realized that things do not last forever. I have already been trying my best to save money in order to afford a concert ticket, to travel overseas, to enjoy what I truly desire. Was it too much? What am I allowed to wish for? What am I really entitled to? It feels that no matter what I do, it will be futile. But I have no way of finding out what my efforts will lead to until I try it out. Almost everything is unpredictable. In a crossroad, we can never take both paths. We can only choose one. And whenever we hit a wall in our path, we tend to wonder if this is the right path. Even though deep down we know the only way is forward, we will still wonder about it because this is human nature. I wonder if one can be so confident that there will be no doubts in each step. Blind faith? I also realize there is no sympathy in reality. If you flip a coin, the odds of it showing tails every time can be regarded as the same as showing heads. That is simply how it should be. Thus the term 'shit happens'. Because that is how it is. There is no guarantee that good things will happen after a series of unfortunate events.
When there are times that what I wished for is handed to me in a silver platter, I will be too ignorant to cherish it and behave foolishly. I do not know how to react when something good happens to me. In the back of my head there are more fear than happiness. I freeze, I panic wondering if I should take it or not. Sometimes I wish I can stop looking at shadows in every corner and simply focus on the flowers in front of me. Perhaps it is something that I need to learn and master. I have no idea where to start, but I guess at least there is a general direction in what I should be improving. I never enjoyed dwelling on my thoughts but sometimes things just come. Everything I have described are simply some of my insecurities in life. Each time I fall into a hole, I need to dig myself out. People may try to help, but sometimes it ended with them unintentionally burying me even more. I know that I have issues and I am not strong enough so there is no need to reiterate how weak I am. Must I walk around eggshells even when I am trying to express my fears and seek support?
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