Yaegers and...other thoughts

Just came back from the cinema, having watched Pacific Rim. Unlike the other attendees, my reaction was rather different. Instead of being at awe and still immersed in the movie, I only felt like learning boxing or something. I mean putting your guard up has never looked so awesome. Other than that, perhaps the movie was overhyped by my colleagues and friends, I feel it was just okay. Did not have the intention of going in for another round at all. I was hoping for something more spectacular. I mean come on, rocket fist was not the finisher? The China Yaeger was not based on Shaolin kung fu but hipster triplets with saw blades? At least reflect the country's culture. Maybe I really am expecting too much. And Mako Mari was rocking her screentime until she said 'For my family!'. I mean really? It is a respectable homage to cheesy anime I guess. Maybe I play too much games and watch too much crazy anime. They do not have super moves and everything else. Since the movie is already based on something cheesy, bring it all the way man.

If you people were wondering, I went there alone. Like I always do. But as I walked home, loneliness struck as I pondered how nice it would be if I could share my afterthoughts immediately instead of coming here, to the blog. The walk is not long at all but just one of those what if moments. Being able to share is always nice. Not only it means you have companions, but you have enough to share. You learn more about yourself as you go about to do things. From this movie I made up my mind on something. Since I am so immersed in exercising and fitness, maybe I should put job satisfaction on the back seat instead. I mean, I work to live, not live to work. Work is merely a means to an end for me. For now, it is impossible to merge both my life and work together since I have many issues with it. So, just kick it out of the top priority standing. Work so that I can live my life the way I want it. I should not stress myself out looking for a job that I can live with. I should concentrate on living my life while working for it. It is but a chore. Not important at all. Maybe this kind of thinking is wrong, but who knows?

Speaking of loneliness, I do feel lonely most of the time. But I also realize something. Maybe I cannot fall in love. Not because of a stupid reason like I could not and shit like that but perhaps I should not. Maybe I just cannot withstand the emotional strain that comes with it. There is no telling that any relationship is going to be successful, that is life. I mean I can't even stand people crying in a drama, let alone someone real that I honestly care about. I have always been a crybaby, ever since young. So perhaps this was arranged for that reason. I mean come on, I am those people that make all kinds of facial expressions watching romance comedy dramas. What makes you think I will not cry my eyes blind if something bad happens? It is very scary for me. Currently I am watching a drama based in the hospital. Sickness is unpredictable. But the helplessness of seeing your loved one slowly die is very much real. I can just imagine it. A doctor's worst nightmare is to see someone you know becoming a patient. For the first time, I was thankful that I am not a doctor. With the way reality have been acting so far, I am almost sure it will happen to me as well.

Of course not every bad thing will become reality. I am already 26 going on to 27 this year with all my limbs intact and hopefully no terminal disease. My family is fine so far as well, thank you. This world is a scary place. The more you know, and the more you realize, the more you fear. I was so depressed when I was going to get my driver's licence and realized that no matter how good a driver you are, you will still die due to the negligence of others. Nowadays, it is not that I stop caring, but you can only do so much. The rest, seriously, you have to leave it to god, reality or whatever it is that you believe. I have plenty of thoughts like this all the time. But I still could not wrap my head around using my new phone to jot things down. Quite a hassle really to dig for it. I already lived a quarter century without one, so pardon me for taking time to get accustomed to being always connected. It is rather funny when I still wait for people or food without whipping out my phone because I forgot I could now. Well perhaps it is a good thing. At least I won't turn out to be one of those rude assholes anytime soon.

2013 first half recap!!

Instead of answering one of the questions, I decided to ask myself, what have I achieved so far? Have I accomplished anything? Have I gotten closer to my goals? How should I live out the second half of 2013? I believe the recent short break in Ipoh has helped me answer most of the questions. Throughout it all, I think I have done my best. There really isn't much room for me to make things better unless I am ready to take a bigger risk and it is something that I really try to avoid most of the time. I know it sounds ridiculous as I portray myself as a reckless person but when it involves my livelihood stability or family, I take a step back and try to make the best decision at that point of time. My complaints about people? It only means they are expendable. If I cherish someone, I would not bad mouth or complain. If I like something, I will not talk about the negative points. Obviously now, I do not like any of those people in my previous posts.

To summarize things very briefly, in this 6 months I have managed to build up my body. I have managed to publish an article under my company. I have managed to attend a meeting with the higher ups. I believe I have gained a sizable amount of knowledge and experience. I have seen many things, worthy of the time spent. I observed people and see their true colors. I have learnt how to cook several new dishes while enjoying good food occasionally at restaurants, further expanding my palate. I kept my word to call back home frequently and to treat my parents to dinner whenever I go back Ipoh. I have invested in many items that I could only imagine previously. I now have a good pillow, good earphones, a smartphone, a proper pair of running shoes and a proper diet routine. Most importantly in this 6 months I have been able to keep myself healthy, and avoided any major accidents or incidents. I think I can move forward towards the second half of 2013 with an open heart, knowing I have done better than some to the best of my capabilities.

So what have you done in these 6 months? Before I end this post, I have decided to remove another person from my Facebook list after much deliberation. Comparing you with the rest of the people I know, there is no reason for you to behave that way. At least that is how I felt through our conversations in Facebook. And now, I only feel awkward whenever I see you in my contact list. I think my presence will not be missed so I will gladly take my leave before things deteriorate further. I have no idea how to fix things since our last exchange. I tried but apparently my words were much too harsh. We are after all two very different people. I can only wish for your health and for your future marriage. May you and your partner live long and prosper. And I will not mind if you come over and laugh at me when I am in the hospital or at my deathbed. This is purely my choice and you have no responsibility whatsoever. I deserved whatever that comes my way and what happens after. Well maybe I do not, but if there is a higher power, somehow they will have a reason for it. Else? Shit happens. I am not different from everyone, just an average person trying to live my life in this reality, in this world, searching for happiness. And that evasive soul mate.

Facebook purge!

Here is the second question I am going to answer in no particular answer. To those interested in the original article, here you go:

2. What cuts you the deepest?

As most of you know, there are many things that I hate and most of it are things I have no control over. I see them as an annoyance but perhaps to you, it is entirely normal. Most importantly, I have identified that it is people that cuts me the deepest. I dare say I have never been hurt by a software, hardware, my motorcycle or my phone. They are not capable of it. I have no feelings for them. And they do not have their own thinking or opinion. Of course I have stubbed my toe on the bed post before. But that is just physical pain that will heal over time. The pain that I am referring to are scars for life. Things you will remember for the rest of your hopefully awesome life. Betrayal by your best friend, being rejected, being isolated, being wronged, all of them involves another person. And words alone have no power. But when spoken by the one you love, by the one you care about, a simple tease may just turn into the biggest insult. 

I have mentioned that I will delete people from my Facebook list, and I will do it. I do not think they will read any of this, but let me just get it off my chest. 黑鸡, I still remember the day you asked me if I have Whatsapp. I have it now you know. But you have hurt me more than you can ever imagine. It was my fortune for knowing you. You have been a great influence in my life. However I know I am not good enough for you. I know I am not rich enough, not capable enough and not good looking enough. Never have I thought that even friendship will cost money. Am I really not worth the few cents for a message? You can use your smartphone with Facebook right? You could have just kept in touch with me via Facebook. Why didn't you? Do you really hate me that much? Do I disgust you? Was being friends just my naive perception? I guess it is good that I can finally say goodbye now. I just want to tell you, I have Whatsapp now.

To the other people I used to know that judge me as worth less than a few cents, I have Whatsapp now. You can contact me for free now. Another few people that I am going to delete from my list are people who only talk to me when they need another Like or to do their web survey. So I am only good for that? I hope you lose. I hope you end up losing everything. I just wanted to know more about what you are doing now, where are you staying and just mainly to catch up. I guess your time is too precious for me. I understand. That will be my last time doing a favor for you. Consider our friendship paid in full. Well I guess you don't really care about it in the first place. If you did not win whatever it is you are participating in even with a thousand contacts, you are no better than me. And I am glad there are more people who see you for what you truly are.

Even acknowledgement is given by another person. And so is the lack of it. Everything is caused by another human being. But I cannot live alone because I am not perfect and I do not wish to be. Things will cease to excite me when I already know everything and did everything. Food taste better if you share they say. It is funny that whatever that cuts me the deepest also brings me the most joy. You can only feel happy because of another human being as well. Even if you feel happy for yourself, it is because you did something for another person, stranger or otherwise. You have another purpose except yourself when there is another person in the picture. This truth is not something that I am not aware of. We have always been walking side by side. Sometimes one side is louder than the other. Things will balance itself out, provided you give chances and enough time. I might sound like I contradict myself, but I love my life. I just hate the things that make it worst than it has to. 

Monthly update!

I will make this a short one mostly because I am feeling very lazy. Seems like my energy has been sapped by all the happenings around me lately. To start things out, I received monetary bonus at the end of May and thus am able to invest in several items. It might seem luxurious to you, but most of the old ones are already at the breaking point. The only completely new stuff I bought are multivitamin supplements and whey protein powder. They cost quite a lot too.

Note to everyone that may attempt stepping on my pair of new shoes. I will destroy you. They are very comfortable to run in and it helps with my new 3km treadmill per day requirement. The multivitamins are kind of a risky investment because I could have ended up incompatible with it. However, my body seems to be okay with it, even though the color of my pee is now almost neon yellow whenever I consume it. The whey protein tastes surprisingly good. I would drink more if I could but I do not want to overload my body especially with the multivitamin supplement now. I do not take either of them on Sunday but occasionally I will get a drink on Saturday especially when I still feel the pain from a Friday workout.

Well as you can see from the pictures, my back and shoulder is still gaining which is good. But my front view is the same as usual. I have more lines on my forearms now but that does not mean shit. I am actually okay with the size of my arms now, hoping only to make it more defined and chunky. Currently I am trying to slim down by skipping rice for lunch. It will take quite some time to actually have a visible effect because I believe the leftover fat are the toughest ones. I can do most abdominal exercises without difficulty except for the truly challenging like the dragon flag or full body ab wheel. 

Yes I am camwhoring using my new phone. Anyway my abdominals are much more visible at an angle. As you can see, with all the flesh around, my abdominals are true muscles. Not the skinny 6-pack kind. In July, I will tweak my diet a bit further as well as some of my exercise routines. I will try to slow down instead. Or maybe I will increase the weight resistance. I am doing v-ups while holding a 10kg disc with my hands. Perhaps my form is not accurate so it feels easier than it should be. It is quite sad that the office gym do not have a proper chin up bar for me to do hanging leg raises. I have never attempted it. We do have the dips bar but it feels like you are working your arms and shoulders more than your abs when you try doing it. 

I guess this is it from me. I will answer another of the 7 questions of life soon. Last note, I am heading back Ipoh this weekend to chill down a bit. I think I am obviously suffering from burn out. Both from work and life in KL. It is hard stuff you know?