Happy New Year 2017!

I am actually very sleepy right now but I think this is a compulsory blog post for some reason. No, I do not have a lot to complain about so you can rest easy. This is not going to be an emotional shitstorm by me again. Yes, I am not outside counting down with people because I really want to sleep early today. I cannot say if I could have landed a date or not because I did not even try. To me, it is just a regular event. I am not going to get rich suddenly or all my problems will be solved. But I do recognize the date, thus this blog post. Should be appropriate to wrap up everything that has happened this year.

Looking back at all my blog posts it has indeed been a crazy year. Well each year has always been crazy I guess. But thankfully I think that my quality of life has improved. No, I am still renting a house and riding a motorcycle but generally I have better spending power now. I can go on vacations and spend more money on food. I can buy clothes, I can invest money into my hobbies and still cover my family properly. I finally bought life insurance! Finally I have everything covered I think. Moving forward, perhaps I can concentrate on figuring out my retirement plan. Yes, I am being serious here. I am 30 already. I don't really feel like doing coding till I am 50. I can do until I am 40 I suppose? Of course I could branch out to being a manager or consultant but I am looking at stopping working 9-5 when I hit 40. It is still pretty vague but I think it is a cool goal.

What about family you ask? Same answer as the last year or anytime of the year you could have asked me. I am not actively seeking a partner but I am not going to deny an opportunity either. I actually gave it a try this year but well, perhaps as some people suggested I should have made it known much more directly and do more talking in-person. Point taken. I am still learning the ropes here and I am not in a rush. Of course I feel lonely. But that is how it is. I try to concentrate on other things. Anyway I am not sure if I could have juggled my work, running and a partner effectively. If I am to love someone, I have the responsibility to focus on her right? Well I will know when I do get into a relationship.

As for running, I have improved a bit. I am definitely looking forward to improving further but fitness takes time as everyone would say. I got my first serious injury too. It was a very good learning experience. All this while I have been just persevering by being stubborn and continue running but this time I really have to stop. I didn't get bummed out because I really have to stop. I figured I only get annoyed by rest because I feel that I could still run. However, this time it was just not possible. Thankfully I have recovered just in time for the new year. Hopefully my body will be much stronger and healthier in 2017.

After thinking for a while, my biggest upset has always been my work. I stopped thinking about what the previous 'me' would have done because there is no point anymore. I have to do this. I have to change. I went against my principles. I got disappointed over and over again. I got betrayed over and over again. Everybody lies. But that is just how it is. Look at my biggest breakdown of the year. It was due to an office event. I still feel bad about it. Again, that's how things are. Just look at getting better then. Be a better liar. Be a better leader. Perform better. Be proud and magnanimous. Let actions speak for themselves. Record everything. Use everything. Everything is an opportunity.

I guess writing blog posts are actually really bad as some of my friends told me. I do get stuff off my chest but I remember stuff that I should not. It is actually easy to chill. Just don't think about it. Do other stuff. Something to learn for 2017 as well. Maybe I will stop blogging completely.

Happy New Year everyone.

If only...

And so I was right yet again. My phone continues to vibrate as the congratulatory messages pour in to the winners. Yet everything that transpired was my fault. Why did I have to open my god damn mouth? Why did I go to have a drink that night? And why wasn't I good enough to stand alongside them? The questions continue to flood my thoughts and it is getting harder and harder to hold it all together. The world is not ending yet, but this, this could have been easily prevented.

But after all that is said, I cannot change the past nor the present. It is reality now. A reality I have to live with. This will haunt me for as long as I stay. If there ever was a feeling worst than this, I do not want to experience it. This is the worst so far. Nothing in the past few months could compare to this. Nothing. This isn't something that was out of my control. This was the payment for my foolish mistake. To think that I am good enough to just talk about anything without backlash. This is the harshest life lesson I ever had to endure so far.

I know now. This helplessness. I am also aware of what I am doing right now and how ugly my thoughts are. Which makes it worst because I cannot stop my honest feelings and my direct opinions anymore. I swear I will never share ever again. The drink we had will be the last one. Not because I hate the people involved, not because I feel that I have been exploited, no. It is to simply avoid something like this to ever happen again.

This few days will be tough. I am sorry my teammates. I truly am. If only...

The end of another chapter

Guess I just need to blow off some steam. Being so tired isn't really helpful either. Now, where to start? I would like to apologize to my team members for ultimately not even qualifying. The idea and execution wasn't good enough to carry us through. As I think about the effort and on top of everything, my emotions invested into it, I also realize that they have invested their trust and emotions too. I am terribly sorry. Maybe I am just taking things too seriously and overthinking things. But to the winners, please accept praise graciously. If my idea was better, I would have won as well. What you are doing is just rubbing it in.

Maybe I was overconfident and reality has to kick me around a bit. The reason better not be the same as last year's. I would like them to tell me earlier if it was the case. Then I wouldn't be using 2 days building something that ultimately is not needed. Could have done something that is useful. To me, it is a waste. I do not see it as an enhancing experience. Well, maybe this enhances my emotions a bit. To look at the positive side, it has been a long time since I have really worked hard for something alongside people. Even running is basically just me alone chasing after an impossible goal. It feels good to fight together.

And my writing skills got some action. It has also been long since I have written anything. I really liked writing. Though nowadays it is only a skill I use to vent off. But no matter how good my writing is, or how good I am at problem solving, it didn't matter in the end. Somehow I always fall short at the most important point. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I am just plain stupid. I can feel the team feeling pretty down as the winners are announced. All of us wanted our effort to be worth something. I admit that I made a mistake during the presentation. Again, maybe I am overconfident. Would things ended better if I stayed back like everyone and invested more time into it or my idea was doomed from the start? I don't know and at this point I feel bad for blaming random stuff.

I will remember this defeat. I will remember this till the end of my memory. I will remember everything everyone of you said to me. The anger, the disappointment and the anguish, I will keep them close until I no longer need such a reminder. Maybe this is just punishment for myself. I am not sure. But I feel that this is right. To make sure this will never happen again. Either I get good, or I do not wear this responsibility ever again. I hope that I will not fail anybody else. Because I can never apologize enough.

How can people just treat it so lightly I wonder? Have they never considered winning? I don't think so. Maybe it just doesn't mean that much to them. Maybe I am just a sore loser. I guess I will accept the aftermath after a few days. Again, this is just me venting. Nothing I do now can change the past. Maybe I should just sleep early and go have a run tomorrow.

Once in a while

It has been a while since I have written a post. It has been a while since I have written anything longer than a standard Facebook status update except for work emails. I guess it is a good sign. I used to treat this blog as an outlet for my frustrations. I am still plenty frustrated all the time but I deal with them better now. Maybe it is just part of growing up. I have always been a late bloomer. I didn't chase after girls when I should and I didn't think much about finances until it was pretty late. Better late than never I suppose. I am still alive and well, kicking and thrashing into my 30th birthday end of this year. As long as I live, there is always tomorrow and subsequently new opportunities. But don't wait too long for matters not concerning yourself. You cannot control what other people do and it might be too late if you delay things too much.

I think I have done this before but I would like to dedicate this blog post to counting my blessings. We have always been telling others what is wrong and what is missing but we don't really tell others what is right and what is available. Of course it could be mistaken as being a showoff but we should always feel good about ourselves. Do not mistake my intention of being grateful as being complacent. Maybe more on that later. I found inspiration for this post when I was having a walk around the park near where I rent my room earlier before dinner. As I was walking by, there were 2 mothers with their children walking close to each other. One of them has the body of a supermodel, with the height as well. The other is just your average mother, visibly shorter but no less impressive. As the supermom ran after her child, the other watched as she whizzed by. At that time I wonder, what is she thinking about?

Would she be jealous of the height? Of course not. Maybe it was just an empty glance. Height is not something you can change no matter what you do. Sure you can try to do surgery that extends your leg but to what extent? At that point of time, I thought to myself, is it even something to be jealous of? I have always been insecure of my physical appearance due to lack of confidence but I have been joking about it for so long I don't really care anymore. And I thought that I am actually blessed to be this height. I am comfortable with this height, I feel good about this height. I should. I am not short at all. Me being able to bring out the attractiveness of my height is a different thing altogether. That is something I can change. Sure I got some postural problems but again, that is something that can be fixed. Then what about if I was 10cm shorter? Of course, maybe my thinking will be different then, but for now, I am just happy I wasn't even 5cm shorter.

With that in mind, I proceed to plan this blog post out. I think this is something good and positive that I should remind myself about. Physical appearance aside, what about my health? I am very lucky to have a healthy family background. No relatives suffer from any terminal disease as far as I know. So that actually boost my health rating by a lot. I do not have any genetic defects, disabilities or terminal disease myself. What are the odds? I can eat, sleep and run perfectly fine. I am here typing as fast as I can while listening to music. I am a fully functioning human being. Sure, I wear glasses but I can still see as far as most of you can. I can still appreciate the view of distant lands and I can talk about it to the people I know. I do not need any assistance to the toilet nor do I need to take medication every day just to live another day. This is actually awesome!

Now, here comes the grey area. What about my life so far? Considering I have lived through several life-threatening accidents without any broken bones I would rate it very lucky already. Furthermore at least a few of them is due to my own carelessness so I can't fault anybody else nor should I wish for anything better. The scars on my body is a small price to pay. I have a job and I can afford some of life's little pleasures. I am not rich at all but I am not poor either. Perspective is relative. Rich people would view my current way of life as being poor. But people born into poverty would be happy with just hot water and air conditioning. I think I am comfortable so it is still okay. I like distance running and I have been able to progress pretty well while meeting a lot of new people. Life's commitments don't always arrange themselves to let you have the luxury of investing so much time on a hobby. I consider myself lucky that I could actually find time.

Of course, I am still single. If I have a partner maybe I don't have time for running and my finances will be tight. However, that is okay as well. Look at everything I have listed. If every person is assigned their attributes from birth and all my relationship points are invested into all the other areas of life, I can't complain. Would I like to have a hot Korean girlfriend but I lose my leg or suffer from hypertension? No. I can answer immediately without thinking, NO. Humans are social creatures but we are also adaptive. Even if I should die alone, not knowing any meaningful relationships, well what can I do about it? By then it would already be too late to regret anyway. And here is where I want to draw the line between being complacent and accepting reality. No point crying about the present. It is as it should be. It is what it is. But there are many things you can control for your future.

I know I can enjoy running but I don't merely run, I try to excel in it and maybe make it a larger part of life by joining clubs or maybe even teaching people. I know I have a job, but I don't stay in autopilot mode, I fight for a better opportunity. Who knows, maybe when I am good at running it can help chip in where my job is lacking. I know I have the height but there isn't much point if I am overweight, I would just look like an overgrown pear. But I would look quite good if I slim down and pack some muscles. And from there maybe it would improve my chances of landing a partner for life. Well, even if it doesn't at least I think it opens up more opportunity to make more friends. I have more options. And all of this contributes to a better life in general which hopefully can extend my life. With a longer lifespan, I will have more opportunities to make things even better. As I mentioned in the beginning, as long as I am alive, I guess I can still make it for a lot of stuff.

So, in conclusion, I should just be happy with the present, right? No. I will stay greedy. But I will be grateful about it. Maybe we should all just take a day and reflect. I am approaching 30 now. It has been one hell of a run thus far but you can be damn sure I want to see what lies after that hill. Enough about me then. What about you? Hope this post helped you as long as it has helped me. It is pretty fun just sitting here and writing stuff. I used to write everyday. Can I write stuff like this everyday? Hardly. Things still feel like shit sometimes and you just feel like screaming at the sky. But this post is a great start ain't it?

New year, new decisions

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! With both the Western and Chinese new year celebrations behind, I can really say that the new year has begun. And once again it is time for me to set down my goals for the year. Usually I will refer to what I wrote last year but might as well start things anew this time around. I will just write what I feel like writing.

First of all, I managed to break my personal record for marathon running. I intend to improve my timing further and hopefully one day I will make it for the Boston Marathon. Of course if I can still go further, I will and it is exciting every time I wonder about it. This year's training schedule should be focusing on nutrition and consistency. Even though I broke my own record but it was by a few minutes and I can't say I am pleased with that. I was expecting a greater result but the previous year wasn't really good, training-wise.

After last year's Hong Kong marathon, I had severe muscle spasms until Chinese New Year and it took me a while to get back to training. After that, I had the trip to Bangkok in April so again, training was reset. Later on, there was the surprise tech lead training at HQ for a week in June. I only started properly training around July and the haze started hovering over Malaysia a month or so later. This year though, I only have a planned trip this coming June for the Phuket Marathon and that should count as training too.

That's why the training theme should focus on consistency. I will resume my current training plan because I think it has a good balance of rest and effort. I just need to make sure I keep at it and gradually increase the effort, speed-wise or mileage. Well training for running is pretty simple actually. I was actually thinking about buying a proper running watch but looking at my current bank balance and the fact that if I manage to run faster without one would be funny, I decided not to. Yes, I still hold a deep grudge against being 'poor'. I will show all you people who could buy one, what someone who could not is capable of.

The other theme is nutrition. I mentioned that I will quit alcoholic drinks before Chinese New Year but it was not possible so I took advantage of it and drank enough for the whole year. I think I ate enough to carbo-load for my June run as well. Jokes aside, I will try my best to not drink any beer. I will be expecting a lot of teasing and insults but that is when I will find out who matters to me. If anything, it should provide fuel for my training. I will also increase my intake, both macro and micro. The days of body-building are long gone, I will focus on just replenishing supplies and promoting growth. I will commit to daily multivitamins.

That is all for my new year resolution I guess. Work-wise, I can't really say much without revealing company details and that might jeopardize me professionally. How about I tell you more after some drinks? Non-alcoholic of course! Relationship-wise, well I can feel the pressure from all sides and I can understand why. I am not young. My relatives are not young as well. However, I have no interest in putting effort looking for one. I am dedicating all resources to running for now. If, by any miracle someone would fall on my lap, I would be an idiot to say no. But who would actually like someone who doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day? I mean if you only treat her extra special on the day, something is wrong with you. If she expects you to treat her extra special on the day, ignoring all the other days, something is wrong with her. To me, that day is just like any other day. It is just another Sunday. Why would you let your relationship matters be dictated by a schedule in a calendar?