Slapped by reality

Finally something that I fear has happened. Just like that, in the span of one day, one of the idol groups I have been worshiping kicked out a member. I thought it will never happen. Not until I go and watch their concert. Not until I save up enough money to support their albums. Not until I visited their recording studio at South Korea. But reality never gave me the chance to show how much I cared. It was taken away from me coldly. Never again will I see them perform in a full unit. Never again will I hear her singing the favorite parts of the song. You might say I am over-reacting to this, but what happened to them can apply to all other facets of life. This is simply a small example reality is showing me. Reality is slapping me in the face with the fact that anything and everything can be taken away from me at anytime without warning. I was not allowed even this small luxury, this small indulgence of cheering for one of my favorite idol groups. Which idol group will fall next? Am I suppose to assume that each concert they perform might be their very last? Am I suppose to assume that anything I cherish could be taken away from me in an instant? No matter what I do?

I have already realized that things do not last forever. I have already been trying my best to save money in order to afford a concert ticket, to travel overseas, to enjoy what I truly desire. Was it too much? What am I allowed to wish for? What am I really entitled to? It feels that no matter what I do, it will be futile. But I have no way of finding out what my efforts will lead to until I try it out. Almost everything is unpredictable. In a crossroad, we can never take both paths. We can only choose one. And whenever we hit a wall in our path, we tend to wonder if this is the right path. Even though deep down we know the only way is forward, we will still wonder about it because this is human nature. I wonder if one can be so confident that there will be no doubts in each step. Blind faith? I also realize there is no sympathy in reality. If you flip a coin, the odds of it showing tails every time can be regarded as the same as showing heads. That is simply how it should be. Thus the term 'shit happens'. Because that is how it is. There is no guarantee that good things will happen after a series of unfortunate events.

When there are times that what I wished for is handed to me in a silver platter, I will be too ignorant to cherish it and behave foolishly. I do not know how to react when something good happens to me. In the back of my head there are more fear than happiness. I freeze, I panic wondering if I should take it or not. Sometimes I wish I can stop looking at shadows in every corner and simply focus on the flowers in front of me. Perhaps it is something that I need to learn and master. I have no idea where to start, but I guess at least there is a general direction in what I should be improving. I never enjoyed dwelling on my thoughts but sometimes things just come. Everything I have described are simply some of my insecurities in life. Each time I fall into a hole, I need to dig myself out. People may try to help, but sometimes it ended with them unintentionally burying me even more. I know that I have issues and I am not strong enough so there is no need to reiterate how weak I am. Must I walk around eggshells even when I am trying to express my fears and seek support?

Everything comes to an end

Somehow this topic kept on ringing in my head for a while. Don't worry I am no where near suicidal yet but everything comes to an end in life right? Nothing lasts forever and usually it ends before we are ready for it. Of course nobody would want to prepare for the end while whatever it is still lasts since that will completely destroy the moments. However, we will end up with deep regrets most of the time. We can try to reduce the amount of regret by not procrastinating but it is only on best effort basis. Circumstances will not allow things to end perfectly unless you are really lucky. Sometimes reality helps to ease the pain by providing a replacement of sorts, a new beginning if you will. Sometimes you need to look for it yourself. Funny thing is, sometimes the end is determined by yourself. If you choose to accept it, or to give up, then that is all. But it might not be the same for the other party if there is one. Today I realized that I cannot rely on relationships of the past anymore. And I also realized some relationships never really ended. It might simply be my naive assumption but I choose to be optimistic this time around.

Many things are beginning for me as well. I have settled for a room in a house a few streets away. It is within walking distance so I can move in at my leisure. Most importantly, I can move by myself. I will just carry the boxes one by one. The house is a fully rental house so there will not be a television set or Astro anymore. Something that I may or may not have to give up. That is something to think about when I could afford more luxuries. Currently my bank account is bleeding with my new laptop purchase already. Now with the added room rental costs, my finance management skills will be thoroughly tested. Unless some miracle happens at the office and I end up with increment or a bonus. My new motto is never live never know. Before you try a chance, you need to live until there is a chance right? Too early to give up. The new laptop is a great addition to my entertainment since it is a top end model. I can play practically any game in the market. However, the problem is getting some of the older games that I missed. They don't even exist in those piracy websites anymore.

A laptop is never a replacement for a television set. For me, the television is the life of a household, it is where every member of the house congregates and spend time. This is why we have a place called the 'living room' in our houses. I am not sure about the others, but I am not really a fan of spending all my time in my room. Even now, my room's door is open. Well first of all it is for ventilation but secondly I feel more comfortable having it open. I have always been a 'people' kind of person deep inside. Somehow I got stuck in my room during my university days and I ended up being depressed most of the time. I feel that I am only truly living now. I am surprised at who I am recently. I come up with all this stupid ideas, I take photos and I find motivation in the most unlikely of things in my life. I am glad that I am able to get closer to all that I can be. I do not think it is appropriate to say that this is not me or the guy in the past is not me. It is incorrect to say I am fake either. We evolve, we grow and we change for the better or worst. It is simply a sign that we are living and not dead inside. We gain more angles to our personality and we become more colorful. What else will I discover tomorrow? Who will I be in 5 years time? I just need to run forward to find out. Easy.

July Update~~

Considering I am a web developer I guess I can do this much. Finally I can include 2 pictures in a post. And the pictures are now taken with my new laptop sporting a stronger webcam plus a datestamp. As you can see, there are subtle improvements to my physique but nothing too significant. Well, this kind of things take time and effort. So time and effort is what I am going to give. From the first picture I guess experienced bodybuilders would be able to spot that I have no chest actually. It only exists when I am in neutral where my arms are lowered beside. If I position my arms slightly back or over my head, you can see my chestplate aka bone instead of a toned chest. Furthermore, I took another picture with a timer to check out my back and sure enough it is as smooth as can be. I blame it on the lack of pulling exercise available to me in my room. I have never done a single chin-up for more than a year I think. For all my arm size is worth, I don't think it actually has tat much strength. However, I am seriously considering attending gym should my circumstances improve. There are a lot of exciting changes coming soon.

First of all, I am going to move. Yes, I am finally moving to a new place after staying here for 3 years. I guess it is about time that I change my environment as well. I do have a lot of restrictions here even though there are some benefits. Living with other people can be one of the best things to ever happen to me or the worst. It all depends on my future housemates. I have been going around the area here at Damansara Jaya diligently searching for room for rent. I have also dropped messages to friends in Ipoh asking if they are interested in sharing a room or even perhaps an entire house. It is quite risky but no harm asking I think. I will be moving most probably middle of August. Even though expenses will increase by a significant number, but I guess it is about time I started spending. It is an addictive thing. Once you start to enjoy life a bit more, it is harder to stop now. Life is meant to be enjoyed, but always only to a certain extent. One should never derive entertainment or pleasure at the heavy expense of one's own future or the well-being of others.

I am getting a strong headache now all of a sudden so I will try to cut this short. I have a lot to say actually but as usual most of them just disappears somewhere. I noticed a lot of traffic coming in simply because I changed the title of my blog. To those that came in hoping for information on Psy's Gangnam Style, I am sorry to say that you can only watch the MV here. I can't say that my blog reflects on the message delivered by the MV nor do am I able to say that I can live up to Gangnam Style. It is a fun song at best but to me, most importantly is to be yourself, be confident and simply conquer the world with your own style. I will try to live according to this mantra but it is not possible to follow it all the time. This is an important lesson I learnt while trying to uphold my principles. Be flexible. As I like to say nowadays, do not limit yourself to one thing or one decision, always be ready to accept something new and new worlds will open itself to you. That is all from me for now, most probably I will be posting more tomorrow. Take care and enjoy the rest of the weekends.