30/4/2008

End of April...end of second sem soon...too many things happened...things i nvr came into terms wif until wen i m forced to face myself...wen the new me flashed a grin, my heart skipped a beat...since wen..hav i bcome like tis?...in sum ways it iz good...but the changes r too great...i nvr really realized it...anyhow will talk bout it more later...regarding my exams...well thr iz nothing i can bout it...it might go anyway at tis point...i might score high marks or i might not...tatz iz the current nature of my exam...nothing iz for sure...but the possibility of it going to the negative side iz higher...tomolo another paper...after tat the last one will b on monday next week...can rest a bit...play a bit...but no one will b around...sigh...dota again gua...well i will think bout it after tomolo's paper...not tat confident anyway...i will juz answer to the best of my capabilities i think...but after the exams still got a presentation..actually i m more nervous bout it than my remaining exam papers...8th May...soon to come~...hmmm...i shud hav a lot more to say...but sumhow i m feeling lazy...so i will juz go straight to the main point n go sleep soon...hahaha...regarding the change...i guess i m juz repeating wat i hav been saying in these last few posts...i cant 'feel' anymore...i dun care if ppl stick wif me or not...i dun care if they r frens or not...either way my 'feelings' remain stagnant n unaffected in anyway...even though wat i hav always wanted partially happened...or mayb not =_=...yeah i got companions for my lunch dinner n supper now...but itz aledi too late...the damage has been done...no matter wat other ppl do...i cant revert to my former self...i dun even really 'appreciate' their company i think...itz juz 'so u wana come? k'...instead of 'u coming along? great!'...n i feel bad bout it...especially one of them refer to me as 'fren'...well...mayb the person iz juz feeling grateful for me always available...but i dun 'feel' anything...i hav always been here...tiz iz truly a terrible development...timing has always been wrong...wen i need ppl...they r not here....wen i hav gotten over it...perhaps even erased the 'need'...they r available once more...i dun 'appreciate' them d...hm...perhaps i put it too harshly aledi...well my mind iz blur now so i cant really think of words tat can correctly describe wat i feel now...living alone iz not impossible for me...but living wif others iz juz a 'bonus' for me instead of a 'need'...since i was terribly hurt trying to fulfill the 'need'...well at least i still hav the capacity to like sum1...hopefully =_=...not much way to reconfirm nia...nowadays itz like getting to know myself once more as i interact wif others...but i still burn myself to help others...n hopefully...no...i dun think i can still bcome a good guy in the future...mayb i hav even bcome calculative? i m starting to feel bothersome...since they nvr return my feelings...i dun feel so inclined to help ppl anymore...in the past i wud help without a doubt...but now...i will hesitate a bit...i hav bcome more focused on 'me' instead of 'others'...since thr iz no one to care for 'me' but myself...the 'others' hav their 'frens' as well as partners...iz tiz natural human nature? well it seems like others practice it earlier than i did...hahahaha...dunno la...kinda confused now...being cold iz like second nature nia...i think i changed a lot since i arrived in UKM...izzit for the good or the bad?? sounds like bad onli...whr did i originally find the urge to help ppl? to b a nice guy all the time? i think itz bcoz i tot ppl will b frens wif me...wen it didnt work for so long...it didnt seem necessary anymore...no matter wat i do...the current situation wont change anymore...well i wana go more in depth but...dun wan la..ok la...tatz all for now...2 am liao...sleep~..

26/4/2008

Final entry...hahaha...couldnt be helped...sumthing happened...a lot of things happened...wanted to tell sum1...but there iz no one...onli here..tis blog...nothing else i can do...after 2 papers...sumtimes i really think trying my best iz juz not enuf...after the paper tis morning...the notes were not enuf to answer it...furthermore the assignment carry marks were problematic...a fren got high marks even though missed the deadline for one of the assignments while me n my partner passed up all n managed a pitiful single digit mark...it dropped my heart nia...studying hard but not all the questions r based on wat iz taught...or at least not based on the notes the lecturer gave us...n i dun think itz sumthing v can read up on ourselves...dunno la...tatz one...secondly...wud b the issue of arguments i had wif numerous ppl...after a conversation i had wif another fren which finally didnt end up in an argument..b4 tat i think i shud apologize again la for everything...even though my words might mean nothing...how can u feel if i m sincere or not as well?? Yeah....i cant feel anymore...i doubt each n every person...as well as their actions...no matter wat they do it iz due to a reason...not bcoz they r 'frens'...i couldnt accept tat word...after everything tat happened to me i couldnt convince myself got frens nia...no one really cares for me...i m afraid of getting hurt again...hm...i cant really reproduce wat i said wif tat person tat day...well he was understanding enuf to know my situation...n he didnt get angry...instead of saying the thinking iz dumb or impossible or stupid....or providing a solution...he accepted wat i m instead n tried to view things from my side...tatz a good change...ok tatz settled...ehh...third one wud b regarding an issue i hav....personal issue...regarding the one i liked...i hav decided on wat i shud do aledi...i think itz the best possible way...which could achieve wat i m aiming for while reducing the effects...after finalizing it, sumhow i feel more relaxed...accepted my choice...hahaha a short segment onli...next one wud b sumthing occured today...on my way to the motor parking lot i saw a huge group of ppl...saw ppl i wana spend time wif as well as saw ppl that shove me aside...sumhow they get along...as expected i m not invited...if i were to show myself mayb they will invite me gua...but enuf of the fake smiles la...i know i m not welcomed...but perhaps they give face to others? or they juz wana build up their own reputation as 'frenly'?....hahaha...i m not the onli one...they even neglected one of their own...sure he might not b staying wif us anymore but...u all had fun together rite? all of u were a group...changed so suddenly n easily...do they really value frenship? one more thing...one of them has a car...nowadays those wif a car can get 'frens' easily...sure got ppl will follow one..convenient ma...who doesnt wan a free ride? i for one wont pass up on the chance to eat sumwhere special...but if itz sumwhere i usually go wif my bike? dun bother la...i go my own...after witnessing all tis..u cant blame me for questioning frenship in tis environment nia...i dunno wat they see in those ppl...or mayb wat they couldnt see...i too wanted to ask ppl out to eat together or go play together...but wat can a motor do? bring onli 1 fella? for wat?...but nowadays not many wana ride motor...lazy woh...enjoying wif a 'fren' iz not worth the effort ah? at least give a better reason la...but still...unless really kenot go...i sure will follow...supper or dinner nearby...i will always b available...but now more n more r getting attached or aledi hav their own circles...so i m on my own i guess...sum onli find me wen their partners r bz...wat do they think i m...i tell every1 bout my time of meals so tat if they wana find me or ask for a favor to dapao then dun b late nia...but sum ppl juz use the time to ask for dapao even though they got transport...i dun really like dapao for ppl who hav transport but iz juz lazy to go out...i hate tat behaviour...well watever la...so many complaints eh...but not one solution...these r all the ppl tat surround me...i got no choice but to live around them...n try to b a nice guy i guess...perhaps sum still treat me as a 'fren' bcoz i still got value to them...tatz wat it feels like sumtimes...now i m getting bored blogging to myself....hahahha...finally...one last thing...in the evening during my nap..i dreamt of a girl i wanted to protect, to love n to care...to see her cry wud break my heart a hundred times...the feelings were so strong...after i wake up i could still remember it clearly...however...now i can onli remember juz one part...when my hands pass through her hair...straight n smooth...dark as the night...long as well...there iz oso one more thing...there was another guy in my dream...but i couldnt see his face la...the girl was close to him...tatz all nia...to reveal more wud....ahhh...why bother...u all know bout my stuff aledi dont u?...in the dream...i didnt even care who she iz wif...wat i wanted was to she her smile...to see her sleep peacefully as i gently move my hands throught her hair...wat i wanted to do...iz to love her forever...even my dreams hav a close resemblance to my present situation...how i miss tat feeling...the warm feeling in my heart instead of the cureent darkness...n the hope tat the moment will last forever...

22/4/2008

Finally an update...and itz not a good one...exams start tomolo...22nd till 5th May...too much hav happened since the last blog post...so many things i couldnt even count...so many different feelings...well i will try to provide onli the summary...first n foremost it seems tat who i like iz not a secret anymore n iz well-known among her frens...yes..she knows as well...crap..my acting muz hav been pretty bad...

Secondly, tis means either my blog entries r leaked by sum1 or sum1 juz told her...she might even know bout the location of my blog...i curse all those who reveal my stuff to other ppl...i really hate those kind of ppl...u all know yurselves la...earlier i tot of blocking tis blog...but no matter..i will delete tis blog a month after tis entry iz made i guess...i will switch again...i think i can roughly guess the culprit(s).

Thirdly, i hav been involved in an argument wif almost all the females i hav chatted wif...dunno why...seniors, juniors...n those arguments not small one...i oso dunno whose fault izzit...confused aledi...i juz couldnt stand wat they say...again n again...acting innocent as well as caring...if tatz really yur true intentions i rather u not care for me then...onli pains me more...the words they use...do they hav any idea wat it meant? do they know how i feel? do they understand the situation i am in? they juz made things worse...wen i finally accepted an issue they juz hav to bring it up again n give opinions...none of the opinions are useful or carry strong points...i m one who admits defeat wen i see it...but they r juz pushing it...they twist n turn facts...they juz wouldnt stay down...n they like to change topics suddenly...itz rude...very rude...ppl care for me la, tis n tat la...no, i dun feel their care or their feelings...yes, i think i care for them like wat a real fren shud...yes, i hav forgiven them countless times...for yur information onli one of them hav the honesty, courage n politeness to issue a real apology...not a simple 'sorry i dun mean it' out of the blue...n wen u do say it..plz show me u mean it...sum say sorry yesterday but did the same thing again today...wat do u think i am? means i dun mean a thing to u loh...dun really care bout me de...wat else i haven't done? i care for them, i help them wenever i could, i forgive them, i go out wif them etc...but did they do the same for me? i m always on call...my handphone nvr switches off n i always give assurance to other ppl tat itz ok call me anytime...i will reply..n i on9 most of the day...but thr r ppl who sends forward messages 8am in the morning...how many of u actually smsed me for fun or sumthing? not asking me for help or to dabao? Sumtimes i think ppl call me out for dinner/supper iz out of pity...or itz bcoz they hav no one to eat wif...tatz wen they will remember me...i m the last option...i know all tis doesnt apply to every1 of u but it does for sum of u...dunno la...itz too late for change aledi..my heart aledi frozen...my view of everything wont change so easily...a

Honestly, i dun feel like going out wif ppl aledi...i m sick n tired wif ppl aledi...i dun wan to get close to any1 of u anymore...if there iz a call i will reply, if there iz an invitation to eat i will go...tatz all...2 years aledi...i cant feel a connection wif any1...i cant put it in words well...but tatz roughly how i feel...the best fren i hav...iz myself...the more i think bout it, the worst i felt..how pathetic...if u ask me now...wat do u wan from a fren? wat do u expect them to do?...i cant answer u anymore...i hav been living so independently for such a long time...or mayb itz coz my head iz so messed up now...if it all goes well i will give u my answer soon...wait a sec...i go brush my teeth first...will continue...

Ok done...yeah...wat a fren can do...i did it myself...i need help wif personal problems, i face it myself most of the time coz the problem iz related to the ppl around me...i need help wif course problems, no one can help me...normally iz i help ppl hahaha...to cheer me up or comfort me...i think i manage by myself oso...no one can really lift up my spirits...mayb always no one available wen i need the most...everything i do here iz calculated...like i help him aledi so he helps me...tatz how things r..seldom ppl do free stuff...i ask him out b4 but he was bz so he asks me out the next time...everything seems like an obligation...n not bcoz he iz my fren or he cares for me...tatz how i feel now...there r a few who always entertain my requests but i m not sure out of pity or do they really enjoy my company...sumtimes i oso feel paiseh...i feel no 'connection' honestly...hav no feelings...everything iz done without heart...even if ppl r sincere...i wouldnt know anymore...i dun trust 'sincerity' anymore...trusted too much b4 n ended up like tis now..i trust no one...there are no true frens in UKM...tis thoughts aledi burned into my mind...i m sorry if sum of u really meant wat u did or wat u say...i juz cant feel it anymore...i think tatz all i wana say...my last post...bye bye...