30/4/2008

End of April...end of second sem soon...too many things happened...things i nvr came into terms wif until wen i m forced to face myself...wen the new me flashed a grin, my heart skipped a beat...since wen..hav i bcome like tis?...in sum ways it iz good...but the changes r too great...i nvr really realized it...anyhow will talk bout it more later...regarding my exams...well thr iz nothing i can bout it...it might go anyway at tis point...i might score high marks or i might not...tatz iz the current nature of my exam...nothing iz for sure...but the possibility of it going to the negative side iz higher...tomolo another paper...after tat the last one will b on monday next week...can rest a bit...play a bit...but no one will b around...sigh...dota again gua...well i will think bout it after tomolo's paper...not tat confident anyway...i will juz answer to the best of my capabilities i think...but after the exams still got a presentation..actually i m more nervous bout it than my remaining exam papers...8th May...soon to come~...hmmm...i shud hav a lot more to say...but sumhow i m feeling lazy...so i will juz go straight to the main point n go sleep soon...hahaha...regarding the change...i guess i m juz repeating wat i hav been saying in these last few posts...i cant 'feel' anymore...i dun care if ppl stick wif me or not...i dun care if they r frens or not...either way my 'feelings' remain stagnant n unaffected in anyway...even though wat i hav always wanted partially happened...or mayb not =_=...yeah i got companions for my lunch dinner n supper now...but itz aledi too late...the damage has been done...no matter wat other ppl do...i cant revert to my former self...i dun even really 'appreciate' their company i think...itz juz 'so u wana come? k'...instead of 'u coming along? great!'...n i feel bad bout it...especially one of them refer to me as 'fren'...well...mayb the person iz juz feeling grateful for me always available...but i dun 'feel' anything...i hav always been here...tiz iz truly a terrible development...timing has always been wrong...wen i need ppl...they r not here....wen i hav gotten over it...perhaps even erased the 'need'...they r available once more...i dun 'appreciate' them d...hm...perhaps i put it too harshly aledi...well my mind iz blur now so i cant really think of words tat can correctly describe wat i feel now...living alone iz not impossible for me...but living wif others iz juz a 'bonus' for me instead of a 'need'...since i was terribly hurt trying to fulfill the 'need'...well at least i still hav the capacity to like sum1...hopefully =_=...not much way to reconfirm nia...nowadays itz like getting to know myself once more as i interact wif others...but i still burn myself to help others...n hopefully...no...i dun think i can still bcome a good guy in the future...mayb i hav even bcome calculative? i m starting to feel bothersome...since they nvr return my feelings...i dun feel so inclined to help ppl anymore...in the past i wud help without a doubt...but now...i will hesitate a bit...i hav bcome more focused on 'me' instead of 'others'...since thr iz no one to care for 'me' but myself...the 'others' hav their 'frens' as well as partners...iz tiz natural human nature? well it seems like others practice it earlier than i did...hahahaha...dunno la...kinda confused now...being cold iz like second nature nia...i think i changed a lot since i arrived in UKM...izzit for the good or the bad?? sounds like bad onli...whr did i originally find the urge to help ppl? to b a nice guy all the time? i think itz bcoz i tot ppl will b frens wif me...wen it didnt work for so long...it didnt seem necessary anymore...no matter wat i do...the current situation wont change anymore...well i wana go more in depth but...dun wan la..ok la...tatz all for now...2 am liao...sleep~..