26/4/2008

Final entry...hahaha...couldnt be helped...sumthing happened...a lot of things happened...wanted to tell sum1...but there iz no one...onli here..tis blog...nothing else i can do...after 2 papers...sumtimes i really think trying my best iz juz not enuf...after the paper tis morning...the notes were not enuf to answer it...furthermore the assignment carry marks were problematic...a fren got high marks even though missed the deadline for one of the assignments while me n my partner passed up all n managed a pitiful single digit mark...it dropped my heart nia...studying hard but not all the questions r based on wat iz taught...or at least not based on the notes the lecturer gave us...n i dun think itz sumthing v can read up on ourselves...dunno la...tatz one...secondly...wud b the issue of arguments i had wif numerous ppl...after a conversation i had wif another fren which finally didnt end up in an argument..b4 tat i think i shud apologize again la for everything...even though my words might mean nothing...how can u feel if i m sincere or not as well?? Yeah....i cant feel anymore...i doubt each n every person...as well as their actions...no matter wat they do it iz due to a reason...not bcoz they r 'frens'...i couldnt accept tat word...after everything tat happened to me i couldnt convince myself got frens nia...no one really cares for me...i m afraid of getting hurt again...hm...i cant really reproduce wat i said wif tat person tat day...well he was understanding enuf to know my situation...n he didnt get angry...instead of saying the thinking iz dumb or impossible or stupid....or providing a solution...he accepted wat i m instead n tried to view things from my side...tatz a good change...ok tatz settled...ehh...third one wud b regarding an issue i hav....personal issue...regarding the one i liked...i hav decided on wat i shud do aledi...i think itz the best possible way...which could achieve wat i m aiming for while reducing the effects...after finalizing it, sumhow i feel more relaxed...accepted my choice...hahaha a short segment onli...next one wud b sumthing occured today...on my way to the motor parking lot i saw a huge group of ppl...saw ppl i wana spend time wif as well as saw ppl that shove me aside...sumhow they get along...as expected i m not invited...if i were to show myself mayb they will invite me gua...but enuf of the fake smiles la...i know i m not welcomed...but perhaps they give face to others? or they juz wana build up their own reputation as 'frenly'?....hahaha...i m not the onli one...they even neglected one of their own...sure he might not b staying wif us anymore but...u all had fun together rite? all of u were a group...changed so suddenly n easily...do they really value frenship? one more thing...one of them has a car...nowadays those wif a car can get 'frens' easily...sure got ppl will follow one..convenient ma...who doesnt wan a free ride? i for one wont pass up on the chance to eat sumwhere special...but if itz sumwhere i usually go wif my bike? dun bother la...i go my own...after witnessing all tis..u cant blame me for questioning frenship in tis environment nia...i dunno wat they see in those ppl...or mayb wat they couldnt see...i too wanted to ask ppl out to eat together or go play together...but wat can a motor do? bring onli 1 fella? for wat?...but nowadays not many wana ride motor...lazy woh...enjoying wif a 'fren' iz not worth the effort ah? at least give a better reason la...but still...unless really kenot go...i sure will follow...supper or dinner nearby...i will always b available...but now more n more r getting attached or aledi hav their own circles...so i m on my own i guess...sum onli find me wen their partners r bz...wat do they think i m...i tell every1 bout my time of meals so tat if they wana find me or ask for a favor to dapao then dun b late nia...but sum ppl juz use the time to ask for dapao even though they got transport...i dun really like dapao for ppl who hav transport but iz juz lazy to go out...i hate tat behaviour...well watever la...so many complaints eh...but not one solution...these r all the ppl tat surround me...i got no choice but to live around them...n try to b a nice guy i guess...perhaps sum still treat me as a 'fren' bcoz i still got value to them...tatz wat it feels like sumtimes...now i m getting bored blogging to myself....hahahha...finally...one last thing...in the evening during my nap..i dreamt of a girl i wanted to protect, to love n to care...to see her cry wud break my heart a hundred times...the feelings were so strong...after i wake up i could still remember it clearly...however...now i can onli remember juz one part...when my hands pass through her hair...straight n smooth...dark as the night...long as well...there iz oso one more thing...there was another guy in my dream...but i couldnt see his face la...the girl was close to him...tatz all nia...to reveal more wud....ahhh...why bother...u all know bout my stuff aledi dont u?...in the dream...i didnt even care who she iz wif...wat i wanted was to she her smile...to see her sleep peacefully as i gently move my hands throught her hair...wat i wanted to do...iz to love her forever...even my dreams hav a close resemblance to my present situation...how i miss tat feeling...the warm feeling in my heart instead of the cureent darkness...n the hope tat the moment will last forever...