Finally an update...and itz not a good one...exams start tomolo...22nd till 5th May...too much hav happened since the last blog post...so many things i couldnt even count...so many different feelings...well i will try to provide onli the summary...first n foremost it seems tat who i like iz not a secret anymore n iz well-known among her frens...yes..she knows as well...crap..my acting muz hav been pretty bad...
Secondly, tis means either my blog entries r leaked by sum1 or sum1 juz told her...she might even know bout the location of my blog...i curse all those who reveal my stuff to other ppl...i really hate those kind of ppl...u all know yurselves la...earlier i tot of blocking tis blog...but no matter..i will delete tis blog a month after tis entry iz made i guess...i will switch again...i think i can roughly guess the culprit(s).
Thirdly, i hav been involved in an argument wif almost all the females i hav chatted wif...dunno why...seniors, juniors...n those arguments not small one...i oso dunno whose fault izzit...confused aledi...i juz couldnt stand wat they say...again n again...acting innocent as well as caring...if tatz really yur true intentions i rather u not care for me then...onli pains me more...the words they use...do they hav any idea wat it meant? do they know how i feel? do they understand the situation i am in? they juz made things worse...wen i finally accepted an issue they juz hav to bring it up again n give opinions...none of the opinions are useful or carry strong points...i m one who admits defeat wen i see it...but they r juz pushing it...they twist n turn facts...they juz wouldnt stay down...n they like to change topics suddenly...itz rude...very rude...ppl care for me la, tis n tat la...no, i dun feel their care or their feelings...yes, i think i care for them like wat a real fren shud...yes, i hav forgiven them countless times...for yur information onli one of them hav the honesty, courage n politeness to issue a real apology...not a simple 'sorry i dun mean it' out of the blue...n wen u do say it..plz show me u mean it...sum say sorry yesterday but did the same thing again today...wat do u think i am? means i dun mean a thing to u loh...dun really care bout me de...wat else i haven't done? i care for them, i help them wenever i could, i forgive them, i go out wif them etc...but did they do the same for me? i m always on call...my handphone nvr switches off n i always give assurance to other ppl tat itz ok call me anytime...i will reply..n i on9 most of the day...but thr r ppl who sends forward messages 8am in the morning...how many of u actually smsed me for fun or sumthing? not asking me for help or to dabao? Sumtimes i think ppl call me out for dinner/supper iz out of pity...or itz bcoz they hav no one to eat wif...tatz wen they will remember me...i m the last option...i know all tis doesnt apply to every1 of u but it does for sum of u...dunno la...itz too late for change aledi..my heart aledi frozen...my view of everything wont change so easily...a
Honestly, i dun feel like going out wif ppl aledi...i m sick n tired wif ppl aledi...i dun wan to get close to any1 of u anymore...if there iz a call i will reply, if there iz an invitation to eat i will go...tatz all...2 years aledi...i cant feel a connection wif any1...i cant put it in words well...but tatz roughly how i feel...the best fren i hav...iz myself...the more i think bout it, the worst i felt..how pathetic...if u ask me now...wat do u wan from a fren? wat do u expect them to do?...i cant answer u anymore...i hav been living so independently for such a long time...or mayb itz coz my head iz so messed up now...if it all goes well i will give u my answer soon...wait a sec...i go brush my teeth first...will continue...
Ok done...yeah...wat a fren can do...i did it myself...i need help wif personal problems, i face it myself most of the time coz the problem iz related to the ppl around me...i need help wif course problems, no one can help me...normally iz i help ppl hahaha...to cheer me up or comfort me...i think i manage by myself oso...no one can really lift up my spirits...mayb always no one available wen i need the most...everything i do here iz calculated...like i help him aledi so he helps me...tatz how things r..seldom ppl do free stuff...i ask him out b4 but he was bz so he asks me out the next time...everything seems like an obligation...n not bcoz he iz my fren or he cares for me...tatz how i feel now...there r a few who always entertain my requests but i m not sure out of pity or do they really enjoy my company...sumtimes i oso feel paiseh...i feel no 'connection' honestly...hav no feelings...everything iz done without heart...even if ppl r sincere...i wouldnt know anymore...i dun trust 'sincerity' anymore...trusted too much b4 n ended up like tis now..i trust no one...there are no true frens in UKM...tis thoughts aledi burned into my mind...i m sorry if sum of u really meant wat u did or wat u say...i juz cant feel it anymore...i think tatz all i wana say...my last post...bye bye...
No comments:
Post a Comment