Thoughts on team building

I have just returned from a company team building session at Langkawi and I think it is about time I start complaining again. Surprisingly the gripe this time around is not centred on the events or the games we are forced to play but what I learnt about my colleagues at work as well as myself. I totally understand why people would say that 'ignorance is bliss'. My opinions on them will never be the same again and I have to make adjustments on how I deal with them in the future. Why do I want to waste so much effort? I do not want to get annoyed and  it is impossible for me to ignore the things I have seen or heard. If you already know the road has a big hole, you will most definitely try to position your car out of the way in advance right? Same thing for me.

I think most of you know I have issues working with people I do not respect or worst, those that I deem not suitable for the job. But at least, if the person is trying his or her best I would still appreciate that. I cannot stand someone that takes things as a game or puts self above the job. And lastly, I would prefer the person to complain about the job a bit less. You accepted the role, now do it properly. You already know it is going to be tiring, you are going to be running around, and various people will pester you. You being tired or the food is not to your liking is your own issue and you should deal with it better. We are all tired. We are all eating the same food. Not our fault you are very choosy and you could not find something to eat at a freaking buffet. Think about that for a minute. A buffet.

I might sound like I am severely prejudiced against the said person but I guess I am. How dare you to actually claim that the food is not suitable for human consumption. Do you even think with your head? Just because you want to clear off all the props does not mean you can wipe it off at the losing teams. Can't you give something like certificates of participation instead? You have the losing teams march onto the stage to accept a beach ball which in the end becomes the 'Ball of Shame'. Lastly, the prize money for the winning team is so much. The points calculation were so questionable that finding out the amount of money won amplified the feelings of anger and disappointment. Many people really put in a lot of effort to complete all the games that day. Some got injured, some got sick, and you are just going to smile and say 'too bad?', I will wipe the floor with your face.

The prize money would have covered all my expenses coming to the team building event. The prize money would have allowed me to buy things for my friends or my family. The prize money would have been the difference between me going home with a bottle of whisky for my father or nothing at all. Some of us came back from the team building still bitter or perhaps even regret for not trying hard enough. Should we blame ourselves or blame the game masters that provided questionable results? Sure, it is just a game. But when money is involved, it is not anymore for me. I would rate the team building as a failure. I understand it is very hard to have everyone going back home with a smile. I guess next time I should just make sure I do not repeat the same mistake if at all possible. Most probably I will only fully comprehend the difficulty of the task when I am in the hot seat.

One more funny thing, during the beginning of the team building session, we were asked to present a question to the person next to me and I actually got the following question 'What is the best present you have received on your birthday? It hit me like a freight truck on fire. Since I am an adult, I have not gotten any presents for my birthday. My family is only as rich as I am and my other friends just wish me through Facebook. I have never gotten anything memorable recently. I guess I really do not have anyone that matters in my life. Maybe it is due to me never giving any presents to people on their birthday either? But it is not like they celebrate their birthday with me. I do not matter to them as much as they do not matter to me. 

Oh yeah, I also dislike how people really go crazy just for free beer. Why are you killing yourself with a smile? Why do you people make fun of people who do not want to drink? Can't we just have fun without drinking? Must we drink so that you will stop? Why are you causing trouble for everyone else? I was so pissed. They should also put all the beer drinkers in a room so that they will not cause a disturbance to those who want to rest early. All of us are tired. We do not need someone banging on the door and raising their voice, waking up everyone. Just because you are not waking up early, does not mean everyone else is not. Stop being so selfish and try to be more considerate for a change. Things will not change in the near future. I will have to live with it. I think I am going to stop now, I am getting sick of writing any more. Have a good weekend everyone. 

What I meant was...

While waiting for my housemate to stop hogging both the washing machine and the bathroom, decided to write something. Recently a lot of things have been happening. I guess this is the correct way to live, at least to my own personal definition. A few days ago I posted a video of myself doing the ALS ice bucket challenge. I read about ALS and it is pretty scary. I mean look at Stephen Hawking and imagine yourself in that situation for the next 30 years, if you are lucky. Else you die as a horrible shadow of your former self, unable to talk, unable to move, unable to live. And nobody is immune, nor is it limited to only those with family history. Is this condition an effect of karma or simply fate? Nobody knows. Anyway I donated a small sum and if you are interested to watch it, I have set it to public on Youtube. Good luck finding it.

So the main topic is about a a status update I posted on Facebook a few days ago about loneliness. In the most literal sense we are never alone. We are only alone if we make it that way. If we shut ourselves away from others or push them out. But what I meant was I do not have anybody that 'gets' me. As in to think in the same spectrum or brainwave or any bombastic term you can muster. Do you have a friend that agrees with your choices? Are they really in the same mindset or are they only going with the flow? Or worst, are they suppressing their needs to please you? No matter what, you as a friend, should appreciate their companionship and try not to be too selfish or lead them into traps. Traps as in horrible offers or bad choices in which you drag them along.

I hate those people. And I admit, I am suppressing myself at work. Or when I am out with a certain group of friends. Back in the university I do not give a damn about what the others think and look at how it turned out for me? Finding the balance is one tough challenge and I am jealous with people who have best friends. I guess both sides have to put in much effort to make things work. Speaking of work, I am having a bad time abiding with the lunch choices. I am trying very hard to slim down and oftentimes I am so hungry I get very cranky and I get colleagues who dive in without caring for their health or weather. I speak of weather because everyone gets smelly and sweaty walking that far for food that is not worth the effort. Vegetarian food is only healthy when it is properly cooked and prepared. We get deep-fried flour and thick syrup gravy.

I sincerely have no idea how I am going to have a kid of my own when I could not stand the childish antics of my colleagues. Why are we even coordinating our outfits or only going for outings when everyone is available? In the end, nothing gets done. I am unable to comprehend the way they talk as well. The insults are ridiculous and the refusal to admit they are wrong is very astounding. This is on a more personal level but I honestly am impatient with bad speakers. I am not a good speaker myself but at least I am able to get my point across. You can wipe your middle finger in my face but this is what I feel. The daily test of patience sometimes gets the better of me but somehow nothing regrettable has happened yet. To those who I really cannot stand, I try to make it clear that I do not appreciate their companionship.

 How much can you tolerate for a friend? Can just anybody be your friend? Are you positive or open-minded enough to just accept everybody? No matter how offensive they are? Even if they insult your principles or step on your code of conduct? No, you try to draw a line between you and them. You try to keep it professional. No bridges will be burnt. If they still do not get it, you avoid them like the plague. What is the point then? You keep people close, they hurt you. You keep them far, you feel alone. Basically is the problem on myself? I see people sharing something like 'When you apologize first, you value friendship more than your ego'. In my opinion, you are basically letting them a free pass to do the same thing again. I think you got to let them know it is wrong. And being an adult, hopefully they will be considerate and come to an agreement. Remember what you read 2 minutes ago? The problem is they are not capable of thinking like an adult.

Harsh words? I prefer to say honest words. You have no idea how much I have pent up inside of me all this while. One after another, from every workplace there will be people who rub you the wrong way. How do you handle all the insanity? You just go with the flow and swallow everything, good or bad? Are you sure that is the best thing to do? But I guess perhaps you have bigger issues to deal with. Maybe the reason why I am so pissed off with probably just a petty thing is because life is good? Whatever problem that you are staring at tends to be the largest one. So if I do not have anything else to rant about I guess this is it? Maybe I just learned to live with the other problems. You can never have enough money, a girl friend is still pretty much impossible. Oh yeah, there are still people talking shit about my hair and about me being gay. Leave me alone!

Marathon and a hair cut

Most of you would be more interested in the second part of the title but be prepared to be disappointed as I myself could not bear to take a selfie. I need more time. My hair has been with me since university days. It is an understatement if you think people are merely surprised by the change. I admit I have been pretty stubborn about it in the past but I have decided to take action this time around. I will rant about it after I talk about happy stuff. Last weekend, I finally completed my first full marathon at Langkawi. I have never been to Langkawi so things turn out pretty good I would say. No, I did not have sex on the beach. And no, you are not the first to ask. Yes, I am pretty annoyed with the question.

Pricks aside, it was really fun and eye-opening. The run was far more challenging than I have imagined. The most I have run during practice was 32km and I was so wrong to think that another 10km would not be that bad. The course itself is very hilly but I have always been running on a hilly track, just not as steep. Something to add into my training plan for the next marathon which is rumoured to be worst. The weather was pretty comfortable though. However, I lost an earbud for my headphones during the run so that is a major bummer. I already have experience with stopping at water stations and eating power gels during Johor's half marathon so it is not something new this time around. However, coconuts being served is certainly very new!

My joy of finishing was dampened when I saw my timing though. I am still happy for sure but mostly just because the ordeal is over. I guess I am so over-confident that I thought finishing is a certainty. Of course it is a pretty good 5:20 especially for a beginner but I have read articles about people finishing below 5 for their first marathon. Maybe the running course is different. But I refuse to accept that excuse. I am just not that good yet. I guess a part of me agreed that thinking like that is the best to keep myself grounded and to aim for a better finishing time in the upcoming marathons. Cool to see those that finish earlier than me did not have all those cool and expensive running gear except for a nice shoe or proper compression shorts. I have nothing against people who require running gear just that I have a personal vendetta towards rich people. Call it jealousy.

About my hair, I was seriously considering it during my journey back from Langkawi. I wonder if I am still under the influence of the adrenaline. I guess enough is enough. Throughout the years I have taken so much unwanted comments about my hairstyle that I have lost count. From being labelled as gay or pretty (in a very negative way I assure you) to being told that it is the cause I am still single. Of course I did not blow up in your face when you say those things. I even laughed at your jokes. But just because I laugh it off, does not mean it is not taken as an insult. Just because I have heard it over a thousand times, it does not make it any less offensive. In fact it might feel worst. Try to remember the last time you are forced to laugh an insult off just because you are socially obligated to present yourself as a creature with a good sense of humour and high EQ.

Bitterness aside, I really did not have a good reason not to cut my hair. I was using my hair as a conversation topic and to take away the attention from my face. So much time has passed since I last saw my face with short hair. Never try never know right? I am not one to shy away from a challenge, especially not one as trivial as this. I have lived with insults from the days of being overweight to being called a sissy or gay, it could not get any worst right? However, it was not any better either. The comments died down after a while thankfully. I am still reaching to untie my hair every time I want to take a bath or go to sleep. Hopefully things will get better. If not, at least I will have something to say to the same people when I want to grow out my hair again. I will be keeping it short for a while.

In the end, all my rants can be rendered moot simply by acknowledging the fact that my decisions and nothing else brought about everything. My financial situation is not the best, and I could have taken the job offer to work at a financial institution or take up freelancing but I refuse. I am annoyed with people but I could have just ignored them or kept my distance or even try to make new friends elsewhere. I hate comments about my hair but I was the one who decided it might be cool to keep it long, a good change of image. I get jealous when I see people with rich toys or great friends but I am just judging by first impression. Maybe they worked hard for it. But that is just how things are in this world right? People judge easily. They do not play by my rules either. Oh well, such is life.