October 2012 update!!

Here is my latest picture. I do not know if you could consider this mission accomplished but I am pretty close.

In the picture, I am pumped up and also straining my muscles. I think male models do that when they pose so I am not cheating. However, it is still a pretty vague outline. I guess the upcoming 2 months is for me to experiment and polish my body before the deadline. This may very well be the best birthday present I have given myself so far. Not partying all night, not gaming all night, but something that has a very profound effect on my current self as well as my future self. The only gift that could beat that is perhaps another concert trip. Nailing a girl is something very subjective so that does not qualify. I have also included a picture of my back. In contrast to my front, it is not as muscular because I have only really paid attention to it recently.

Here you can see a very obvious back line and some developed shoulder muscles. I still have some work to do for my lower back muscles. I do not wish to make them bulge much but I would like a bit more definition. I am not aiming for Bruce Lee level of definition either. It is my body after all. I will pursue whatever that I think looks good. I guess you can see my triceps are only slightly above average with the bulge. It is something I am currently working on as well. Regarding my back and shoulder exercise, I suggest pull ups (front & back grip) and narrow push ups. I do pull ups at the playground but both my palms are bruised frequently due to the rectangular bar instead of the usual round bar. For push ups, I am still unable to do parallel elbow style even with my current build. I guess I still lack strength. Parallel elbow means you keep you elbow close to your side during the push up instead of the usual wide angle version. It is very hard.

Body updates aside, there isn't much to talk about. Nothing much happened between the team building trip and now. Well, at least nothing important enough. If it was really important, I would have created a blog post about it. My medical check-up results are out and some of it are rather peculiar but mostly I have a healthy body. I need to switch up my diet a bit and see how things will go. There was another patient at the clinic with suspected cancer though. I guess it will come as a severe shock. If possible I want to do much more regular check-ups but I cannot afford it. Might seem foolish as well since I am still young. I do not smoke, I do not take drugs and I exercise. Should be enough.

Yesterday I went to a reunion dinner of sorts with my friends from university. It was fun seeing them after so long. In case you have forgotten, I deleted a lot of them previously. Makes such meetings much more interesting I think. Some of them I simply chatted along even though we might have arguments in the past and stopped talking altogether. Time heals as they say. Everyone still looks the same even after so long. Some may have gained or lost some weight, some changed partners but for the most part, everyone is still alright. I do not know when will we have something similar again but I will always welcome it. Hopefully next time it does not rain and I do not have to risk my life again. Or maybe by next time I would have bought a car. Which is very nice if it came true. Well, life goes on. Wonder what will November bring?

More things to know

Merely a continuation of what I have written from the last post, it has been a journey of discovery. Today I went back to my university as a visitor to attend my brother's graduation ceremony. It is the first time I saw the entire graduation proceeding as I have never attended any graduation other than my own previously. I should be sorry to the people I know but it was not an option to travel that far for me just to spend some time taking pictures and maybe having a meal. To be frank, our friendship is not worth the hassle. Anyway, 3 years later I find myself at the grand hall again. But this time a lot of things have changed. For one, people everywhere are using smartphones. In the hall you can see people playing games, taking pictures or simply watching videos. There was none back in my day. And firmly in my hand is my phone, still the same from 3 years ago. A lot of time has passed and yet somehow it felt like none at all. Some things have changed, but some none at all.

This time, my brother had a digital camera. Back then, I wasn't able to afford a camera. And I have forgotten to properly charge my phone. In the end, I did not have a proper graduation photo even with my parents. I had to ask a friend to take a photo of me and my parents and then send it to me. Now that I think about it, I bet my parents are very disappointed. How sad it must have been for them. This time I came back with a vengeance. Without fail I smiled and posed. I even took a top-down angled picture smiling like an idiot with my parents and brother as background. Yes, I managed an awesome self-picture. And I still don't have a camera. I will ask my brother to send me a picture of only me and him soon. Now, I realized something. I am comfortable with pictures and smiling somehow. Maybe it is due to my new found confidence. Maybe I set up the random 2012 project and started doing things without thinking. Either way, I learnt something new.

And I am going to continue the flow. I have agreed to attend my friend's pre-wedding buffet dinner this coming weekend. It has been a long time since I have seen her or any other friends from university. I have no idea what they have been up to since I deleted them from Facebook. I guess it is for the best. Now I feel the need to catch up with them. I am curious about what they have been up to, who is dating who and how they look like. It is something well worth my time and hassle to take public transportation and suffer. I wouldn't be feeling like this if I see them in Facebook all the time. Furthermore, this time I will meet them without prejudice or opinions from reading their Facebook messages that I do not agree with. And it is about time I faced them to make things clear if I have to. To have closure. Or to be inspired for my 2013 project. If she is also there, I think it is appropriate that I tell her everything as well. I have hidden long enough. It is about time everything comes to light and for me to properly put it down. After all, it has been more than 3 years.

Things to know

This would be a short post reflecting on my first team building trip experience with my current company. I learnt quite a lot from the trip. Reinforced some of my motivations and also inspired what I should do for 2012. I can safely say now that my body is already in a favorable condition. I may not look my best yet but I believe I will eventually reach it. My abs may look a bit bloated considering I have been stuffing myself during the trip but I think my body have achieved good recovery and should be ready for the last push. I am especially proud of my legs actually. A lot of people can achieve bulging arms and chiseled abs but not many can achieve a runner's legs. I believe I have gained a lot from building up my body and it is definitely the correct choice. To show yourself confidently in front of others is very important because without confidence you won't be able to express yourself fully and people may not get to know you very well.

I also learnt that having muscles and looking pleasant does not get you friends. It does not automatically make you approachable or popular either. Honestly, to be alone in a crowd hurts. In fact, it hurts more than being alone by yourself. Nobody to talk to, nobody to laugh with, time passes by slowly. I realize now more than ever I do not have a group in my workplace. If it is not due to the group activities I would have spent most of my time being alone. Nobody shared a picture of me in Facebook or tagged me in a picture from the trip. It is always me asking to join or meet up with people most of the time. I am afraid of subconsciously being clingy. I am still awkward towards people. Maybe they see me as a fake person since I can be very warm and then very cold the next day. I am not being cold actually. But there is no way for people to actually know me that well from the very beginning. This is definitely something I have to address in the immediate future.

Another thing I want to do after experiencing this trip is to practice singing. I am sick of being heckled in the karaoke room. I hate being teased and I hate it even more that what they say is true. Yes, I can't sing. Yes, I am afraid to sing. How many people would actually tussle for the microphone from the get go. Must I actually learn each and every song I listen to by heart? Is it wrong to not be able to sing hot songs aired in the radio stations these days? I do not listen to radio. I listen to Korean songs. I can't read Korean lyrics. I can't remember the entire song. I need to start building up my confidence in the karaoke somehow. Either I start practicing in my room and annoy everyone or I need to frequent karaoke joints once I get an increment. For the sake of my future sanity I hope I get this covered in 2013. No, this is not an attempt to impress the ladies. This is for my own pride.

Best Day In 2012

I will keep this short. No amount of words can correctly describe what I felt or the numerous things that went through my mind during the T-ara showcase yesterday. All this while they seemed so distant, so fake, limited only to music videos or pictures. But for the first time in my life, I saw them live on stage, dancing the same dance I have watched many times over. They are there, in front of my eyes. They exist and they are so real. The showcase was no concert set in a big stadium, being forced to stare at projector screens, being distant and far. It was a smaller scale affair but offered something so much more. I can see them smile, I can hear them talk just like the videos but only this time it is not through a screen and headphones. Photos and videos from the showcase only generate a sense of loss as nothing could recreate the sensational feeling of being there. Everyone is there, singing, screaming and generally having fun. And for the first time in a long time, I had fun.

The picture above is the best my 4 year old phone could manage. It did a great job, the best it could, but it was me who is not capable enough to get a camera or a phone with a better built-in camera. This is also a major sore point for me. If I was this ecstatic from a measurable distance, imagine how the people in VVIP seats must have felt. I bet it was exhilarating. Perhaps all you can read here is the confession of a fanboy but it is not as simple as having pretty girls waving at you. They are the pretty girls that you always see in performance shows somewhere in the other side of the world. They are the pretty girls whose existence so far is limited only to electronic content as far as I am concerned. To see them live, is a very unreal experience for me. They may never come back to Malaysia ever again. This performance will never repeat itself ever again. It will be different. Perhaps the next time they will be holding a concert at a stadium where the only ticket price I could afford is a seat far away from the stage. I definitely have no regrets.

I was not lucky enough to be called on stage nor was I capable enough to afford VVIP tickets. But at the very least I get to experience the showcase. This event will probably be my most memorable day in 2012. It left a big mark in me. Even if the world were to end, at the very least I have done something I really want to do before I die. I have attended a concert, a K-pop concert no less and showed my appreciation for the performances with no restraint. Free from the awkward glares and poisonous whispers behind my back. I was myself, being honest and letting it go. Letting my feelings take over. 2013 will be much more exciting. I should start saving money. My faith in reality has been restored somewhat. I do not know what will come. But it is always best to be prepared to face as many possibilities as you could. A fresh challenge is looming over the horizon in the form of a team building workshop. One of the things I hate the most. It could turn either way. And maybe it will be another turning point in my life in more ways than one.

Mooncake memories

Suddenly just feel like writing some stuff. The Mid-Autumn festival has always been special to me. As I walk to dinner today I saw families having fun with lanterns and candles. I was very jelly. To all you people out there who stay with families, please spend the day with them. Because here is a very homesick man. Who will not hesitate to look down on people who abandons their family today. I always like the Ultraman lantern. I was bad with the paper lanterns when I was small and usually it burns down. I do not remember if I cried back then. Candles was fun when me and my brother start to write or draw things via smart positioning. As we grow older, things generally progressed to simply burning stuff. My parents hesitantly obliged, most probably knowing this is a part of growing up. I remember burning a rubber band and it got stuck on my little finger as it melted. It was horrible. I don't think there are scars though.

The most important aspect would be the mooncakes though. I can skip any food but I definitely have to eat mooncakes. My parents always scold me as I devour it since we are supposed to eat it slowly. But old habits die hard.

Healthy eating can move aside for a bit. Yes, that is a double-yolk lotus paste mooncake. And I intend to have more if possible. Hopefully the price will drop a bit since the festival is over. I am going to run 15km a week so I think that should be enough to cover the calories. Yes, 15km a week, not a day. Even if the calories come out even at first, I hope with the extra muscle in my legs, more calories will be burnt while at rest in the future.

My memories do not stop there. I still remember the first mooncake a female gave me as a present. It was coffee mooncake. I was taken aback at first simply because I could not imagine the taste. I finished it and it tasted alright. I think I replied the next year with a mooncake of the same flavor. It felt nice to receive gifts. I think some people will know who I am talking about. I can now say I will not regret giving her away or doing what I did. After all it was one of the most interesting events in my life. And judging by recent happenings, it might be the correct thing to do. I will forever be sorry to those that I hurt during that time but some of you I can simply call it even. And to a good friend of mine, you were the only one that sat beside me, if you ever need me, I will always be there. But I am not sure if I can set you up with a girl again. Or if I should, considering how it ended.

Recently a female colleague of mine gave me an apple. It was nice too. But the problem was, the apple is a bit rotten inside. I only found out after a few bites. Maybe it was a sign that I will be forever alone, she is evil or the apple is a reflection of myself. I am no saint, I know that much. I can't say much about her though. And I hope I will not end up forever alone. I will need to live long enough to find out at least. I am trying my best to do that. The coming Wednesday I will be going for my first ever concert. At least as long as I could remember. I heard no cameras are allowed, and my phone can't take nice pictures. It is an old phone. I guess you guys just need to take my word for it. Wait for my blog post then.