A full year 2014 part 2 : Miracles

I have a feeling more posts with a similar title will pop up every week. So here I am, deciding against playing computer games to rejuvenate my soul and writing skills instead. Usually I am pretty lazy on a Saturday considering I woke up early for my run and finished quite a number of chores. Quite recently I was disappointed after I found out one of the girls I had my eyes on since annual dinner is actually married. It came as a big surprise because she sure as hell do not look like a married woman. Well, a good woman would already be taken is what I always say. What's left are those who rejects a relationship or, if I may be brutally honest, not a good wife material. I am not saying I am without faults myself but think about it. If we really are awesome, we would be cuddling our significant other rather than me writing this or you reading this.

So I was thinking that there are no miracles in this world. Most things can be explained and is a direct or indirect consequence of a decision or action taken in the past. I never stood a chance, no matter what I do at this point. After a day of depression I thought why not try to think things the other way around and see how many of them would pop up. So this will be the topic for today I suppose. Let me try recounting the miracles that happened in my life so far.

The biggest point would be me still alive today. I have encountered life-threatening accidents for at least 4 times now. I almost drowned and I had several accidents involving motorcycles. Furthermore, there were news reports of freak accidents around the world. So I guess you could say it is a miracle that I am still healthy, with all my limbs intact without deformities. I am thankful for that. Of course part of health is due to exercise but what I meant would be terminal illnesses that just sprout for no good reason. The visible scars on my hands and my legs are very potent reminders of what happened last year. It is truly a miracle that I escaped that without broken bones or internal injuries. The external injuries are definitely horrible but I am looking at the worst case scenario. I could have died because the good samaritan that sent me to the clinic said I flew and my helmet got flung off.

I guess I can say it is a miracle that I landed on a good working environment right now. Things could have gone wrong at so many instances, I can only consider myself lucky. The arrangement right now could definitely improve but it is far from bad. I could have been transferred to another team. Twice. Met some good people and some not so good people but somehow I think they are helping me grow to be a better person. My infamous temper flared several times but it is already a big improvement if you compare with me from 5 years back. Previously I lamented on how the old me would have laughed at the current me for being such a weakling with no backbone. But sometimes being so direct and stubborn is not the best approach. In the end, our purpose is to live in the best way possible right? I guess I can only say I have gotten more practical. I am still a rebel every now and then but not as aggressive. And the people here are actually more open to opinions. I really like the way my foreign colleagues work and communicate. Totally different and much more effective.

There are no miracles in social connections or my non-existent love life though. I made some new non-office friends this year due to my participation in running but it may simply be an acquaintance. Without a car, my transportation options are severely limited. The people I meet usually already have their own established circle of friends so I don't really fit in either. After all, I am not from around here. Maybe the reason why I take friendship so seriously is because I have none. Each one is as precious as it could be and I guess the other party just do not think so highly of it. Can't really blame them. Still disappointing and angry though. About love, I realized I had not loved anybody I know since I started working. Korean bias does not count. Maybe I set my standards too high? Or simply because everyone has been taken? Well office relationships can be quite messy anyway. I don't really go socialize nor do I join any social clubs so I guess I had it coming? That's why it is called a miracle if I ever found one.

A full year 2014 part 1

Wanted to delay the post but I guess I should not since I have already forgotten more than half of what I intended to say. Before I wrote this I was checking my older posts and I saw a weird post more than a year ago. It was about a letter to someone after I died. I have written it for fun after reading about it somewhere. It was not addressed to my parents but to the one I love. I was scratching my head but as I read on, I remembered who was it for. Funnily though, about a year later, news broke out that the person I liked was attached to someone a few years her junior. Yes, HER. I am not gay. It is pretty fun to actually wonder what was I thinking about when I was writing some of the posts a long time ago. I cringe reading some of it but I enjoyed it. It shows how much I have changed. For better or for worst I have changed.

Though I fear the change is more internally than externally. A week ago I attended the wedding dinner of a good friend and I hitched a ride with someone I have not seen for several years. He was in the car with his wife. But I was surprised when I saw their young one strapped to the backseat. So here I am in a 2 hour long trip, sitting side by side with a 2 and a half years old kid. I was petrified. I am the kind that run conversations in my head prior to appointments to mentally prepare myself but how am I supposed to handle a kid who calls me uncle and asks me to look at cars and sign boards? What was I supposed to do?  I was expecting some long conversations with my friend. To keep things short, the trip was pretty uneventful, the kid was very well behaved and it was entertaining watching his antics. But one thing stuck in my mind. I am still socially inept.

I did not stutter when I met the other friends at the wedding hall. I look at their eyes and chatted away like we just met 2 weeks ago. I answered everything and asked back. I could hold my ground now. But I should have been able to do that 5 years ago when it matters the most back in the university. Not now. And I figured I could do all that confidently is because I am mentally prepared. Like people before a speech. However, I should not have to do all that. I should be able to talk naturally to anybody at anytime without overthinking, without preparing topics. My mind should be quick enough to act on the fly. My confidence should be high enough that I see myself as peer with the people I am talking to. Even if he/she is the president, I should be able to confidently speak, politely and properly, perhaps even pull off a joke. But I could not.

A few days ago I attended my company's wedding dinner. It was a very grand event, with everyone dressed up nicely. And that is where everything went to hell for me. The same as last year I felt inferior. Out of place. So inferior I wanted to escape. The women are all so elegant and charming. The dapper gentlemen of my company, with their coat and blazer all looked so immaculate. I came with my sport shoes and just a simple long sleeved shirt. I might have been a bit stingy about it but buying leather shoes and dressing up just once a year is not worth it. And so, what is the definition of worth? Will I be thinking about it if I have money to get all those? Perhaps not. But wait a minute. Some people went there dressed in t-shirt and jeans. And they are not affected one bit. They chatted away, taking pictures like they belong there. How are they so sure, so confident of themselves? How are they so strong?

Maybe the reason why I strive so hard to perform at work or at play is to cover my inferiority complex. To gain confidence. To be sure of myself. I need to make up for it. I want to feel good about myself. I want to stand as a peer to everyone else. I want to think that even though I do not have wealth, I have something else. But I am not very successful with it. During the annual dinner, some of the girls caught my eye, one of them knocked me breathless. But what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Why not? I am too unsure of myself to approach her. But will I ever be ready? Most of you will answer with a deafening no. Nothing can prepare you for a relationship. Every person is unpredictable and love is an adventure. And it irritates me that some people I know rejects a relationship due to trauma of the past. You had a choice, can't you even think twice? Someone to love me, is only something I could imagine.

If we are meant to be together, we will be together. Cowardly words. And I used to hold on to it so strongly in the past. Excuses, nothing more. Maybe one day I will encounter someone that will force me to get out of the comfort zone. Someone so important to me that I must step up and fight for her. Hopefully, someone that will be my future wife.

Finished Penang marathon. What's next?

It took me a long time to create this post, mainly because I am quite busy recently. The contents were drafted out in my brain since last week but as things continue to happen, it changed. For better or for worst, I could not say but most of it is self-realization. To start things off, let me summarize the Penang marathon trip. Overall it was good because the I get to experience many new things and visit some places that I would not have gone otherwise. I am not the kind who likes to go sight-seeing with streets full of other sweating and equally lost tourists. The results were great even though I thought it would have been a miracle if I managed to maintain my previous performance. I could not sleep properly the night before and I was exhausted towards the end. I was walking for a long duration but apparently the pacer I was following ran so far ahead that we could afford to walk.

As usual, the teasing as well as the various attitudes displayed by other members of the trip are quite annoying . I am sure I was a dick at some point but there were no arguments. Some of them are quite patient with me too and I really appreciate that. When we got back to KL, something weird happened in the following week. I was questioning myself and my dedication to running marathons. Looking at the upcoming Cyberjaya marathon I felt it was endless and pointless. It was taking so much of my time, so much financial resources and the training is so difficult. Other than my family, others are not as supportive. Like always, I figured I am not really disappointed with the words but with the people who teased. I am frustrated wondering why do they do it? I was stuck wondering how far the path is, how much more do I have to sacrifice and most importantly, is it worth it?

I do not really remember what happened next but before I know it I was running my usual Saturday morning long run. I wanted to take it easy and just see how it goes. Before I know it, my legs took off and it was almost race pace. I figured I enjoy running but do I really want to chase after the fast ones? While cooling off I chatted with 2 veteran runners around my area. We know each other but just as acquaintances. But one of them told me his best time and another asked me to tag along for Cyberjaya. Things look pretty good now. I have a goal and I do not need to beg for transport. Perhaps this time I can run at my best? With that eureka moment, I finally understood that I was still quite hung up on the Penang marathon. All my training may not mean anything due to outside factors. Now that I could minimize it, maybe, just maybe I could go all the way.

Now, my training is back on track. In fact, I upped the ante again. Hill is 6,8,10 degrees at speed of 8 with 10 minutes on each incline except for 10, that is on best effort basis. Speedwork is replaced with tempo runs because I figured it is dangerous to do it on a treadmill. Those two will be morning whereas evening, it will be 8k at a comfortable pace. Saturday is limited to 21k so I do not drive myself insane running alone for 90 laps. Sunday is a short recovery of 5-8k. Basically it should come up to 80k a week but I will remain flexible and stop pushing myself so hard. I still do strength training for upper body and core. This time around, I am including squats and deadlifts as a staple. I will strengthen my lower back, my glutes and my quads. Running helps to train your stamina and overall fitness but it does not do much about your strength in the short term. Maybe I could supercharge my development. I think I am good, but can always be better right?

I still have plenty to write but those are for another post. This is it for Penang! Personal thoughts and recent developments in the next one. Maybe I will write it after dinner. Maybe I will write it after my next marathon. Maybe I will not write at all. I stopped depending on this blog for support a long time ago. Now, I only write because I want to share my experiences and thoughts. And in a funny twist of fate, I do not need to change the title of my blog to reflect what I am doing nowadays.

The road to PBIM

Today marks the last day of post-SCKLM honeymoon period. It was a fun week where I did not have to run twice a day, I get to eat almost anything and everything I wanted and I slept a lot. It is time for me to record down my training plan for the next big marathon which is Penang Bridge International Marathon (PBIM). The reason why I make it a blog post is so that everyone knows about it and because I care so much about how others think about me, I will be negatively driven to follow everything. That was a joke. I just want to make some clear decisions and what better way than to write them all out here.

But first, I want to address something I faced during the past week. I am sure a lot of you could not comprehend why I am so serious about things. Most of you have heard me saying that if I do things, I will do it well or I will not do it at all. That is just part of the story. I think when we do something, we have to get back something out of it. It has to matter to our future, to our health or whatever it is that you prioritize. I am a man that almost died 5 times. To me, time is a privilege that one cannot afford to waste. If I die tomorrow, will I amount to anything? 5 years ago, honestly no. Now, at least someone can read out my eulogy and say that I ran marathons, I supported my family and perhaps a good colleague. I am still working on the social life part. I just feel that if you put time and effort into an activity, at least get good at it. Even at games.

Back to training plans. Previously I managed to run around 70-80km a week with some hill and speed work tossed inside. I do not stick too closely to running theory so I do not do fartlek or tempo runs or other stuff that sounds cool. Not even interval runs. More than half of the mileage is done at the treadmill. I run twice a day; once in the morning before work and once in the evening after work. This time around I am not sure if I can increase the weekly distance to 90km. Maybe it is not required. I am thinking of keeping the original distance but increasing the quality of training. I am sure my legs are able to take on the challenge but this time I might just try listening more and see if I could gain more from my training. By listening, I meant my body signals. I used to just soldier on and run some crappy 10k just to reach the target. No more.

If I run, I run proper, I run strong. If I feel tired then I will reduce the distance or even settle for cycling which is much more fun. Of course I am afraid of being too lenient with myself but heck, this is just my first year of marathons, give me a break. Cycling might not be all bad. People call it cross-training or active recovery. Hill work will not be simply increasing/decreasing the incline every minute anymore. If there is one thing I learnt from all the runs is that each hill lasts more than a minute. More than 5 minutes. Therefore I will run slow, constant incline for 30 minutes. Let's see how it goes. Even though PBIM should not have any hills since it is a freaking bridge after all but hill training is generally good for all kinds of running.

For speed training, I will stick to 5k sessions on the treadmill. Maybe I will finally run a sub-25 this time around. Most of the time, the problem is that my body starts slow. Unless I have some distance beforehand, it is quite hard for my body to maintain high speed for a long duration of time. You can call it momentum. I am still not too sure if this will be a problem in the future. Negative splits are pretty common. That is running lingo for better timing in the second half. However, I am also considering on cutting down on speed training due to the strain to my body. Most of the time I am wasted after the run and I worry it might affect the rest of my day. Yes, I am doing this in the morning because I am pretty out of it by evening after work.

Usually after work I just stretch a bit and run a 10k casually. The problem is not completing it, the problem is waiting for time to pass. If I switch things up a bit by increasing the speed, I get very tired and I think it is not a good idea to really clear your reserves. However, if I never push a faster 10k, when will I be able to run faster for a longer period of time? I guess I will let my body tell me what to do when the time comes. So generally I can manage >10k a day on weekdays except Friday when I rest, a LSD on Saturday and then a short one on Sunday depending on the distance done the day before. If I do 15k a day, that is already 60k on weekdays alone. Have to see how it goes. This is also part of the fun.

Roughly a month later, we will know the results. I hope I can still improve on my time. It will still be a long way to go before I am chasing to shave a few seconds off my best timing. I think I still have room to do whatever I want. Some people blame age, some people blame a bad knee for slow timing. So I will abuse my healthy knee and my youth to establish a good running core and see how far I can take my running career. At the very least I should be beating people double my age. Some veteran uncles are not even running with shoes and here I am complaining about lack of cushioning. I feel like a spoiled brat. There is no pride or honor in defeating someone by waiting for them to grow old. I will improve as fast as I can and then I can stand tall with all of you on the battlefield. And maybe, just maybe, finally have some free photos of myself running. I am not famous enough for people to take pictures and share on Facebook. 'Famous' is a snobbish word, screw that. Let's just say I have not been acknowledged yet.

The pain got better

It has been a while since my last post. Many things happened. In fact things happen on a daily basis but I stopped blogging daily in order to avoid dwelling on too many things. It is a bittersweet relationship with my blog. It is my best friend who listens to everything I say but it is also one that does not reply. The good, the bad, the things I regret, the things I cherish. There is no one in this world that knows everything except myself. You cannot blame me for feeling so lonely most of the time. But I am not sure if anyone can possibly take in all of me. I admit I am not so likeable at times. At least nobody ever complimented me for being friendly.

Anyway, yesterday marks my third completed full marathon and I broke my personal record by over 20 minutes which is great. I entered the run hoping that I will improve but I did not set a goal time because a new course is always unpredictable. Furthermore it was only my third marathon, so I just wanted to leave some space for me to enjoy the race instead. Many things could go wrong like a bad cramp, an upset stomach, or worst, a leg injury. It was pretty sad to see runners who have to walk towards the end due to cramps. They were stretching beside the road with a very disappointed expression. Imagine yourself preparing for a few months only to end up missing your goal due to a cramp.

The soreness the day after is not that bad either so I suppose it is a good sign that my body is getting stronger and fitter. My left knee still hurts but it subsided after a nights rest and sitting at the office whole day. Most likely I can resume my training soon. How can I sit still knowing that I am still far from the realm of the gods? I told myself during the run that one day I shall be the one looking back at the crowd instead of me staring in amazement at the speed and determination of faster runners. Or perhaps I am more curious as to how it is like to be able to run that fast? Some things are not worth doing if you are not going to do it right. I take the saying to heart and I seldom participate in sports or events unless I am willing to venture everything and try my best. Some people get intimidated, but I think this is a good way to live for now.

I am actually quite blessed to have so much freedom to indulge in things. On the other hand, basically it means I have no life, like what someone said to me not too long ago. I still relive the conversation and the conclusion is painful but correct. I do not have an active social life at all. I have nothing beyond running or going to gym. But since I have nothing, at least I am not doing nothing or spending time in stuff that are generally not useful like games. I still play computer games to have some fun but that is generally during the weekends. No, I do not go out. And I do not have a car either. I am poor, bite me. I hope amidst this 'lifelessness' period of mine that I shall find a life. In the meantime, I will just do my best. Maybe, running will be my life.

I made new friends, I get to visit some interesting locales and I get to be healthier. And I can only see that in the near future I will make more friends and visit more places. After all, I did book a flight to Hong Kong next year which I wouldn't go otherwise. It will most definitely be a memorable experience. A year ago I could not even imagine myself running 42km. Now, I am running the distance in less than 5 hours. Perhaps in the future I will be able to run faster or further. There is now a goal, or at least something to work towards. Even though it is lonely, I can fill the void for now. For now, the pain got better.

Thoughts on team building

I have just returned from a company team building session at Langkawi and I think it is about time I start complaining again. Surprisingly the gripe this time around is not centred on the events or the games we are forced to play but what I learnt about my colleagues at work as well as myself. I totally understand why people would say that 'ignorance is bliss'. My opinions on them will never be the same again and I have to make adjustments on how I deal with them in the future. Why do I want to waste so much effort? I do not want to get annoyed and  it is impossible for me to ignore the things I have seen or heard. If you already know the road has a big hole, you will most definitely try to position your car out of the way in advance right? Same thing for me.

I think most of you know I have issues working with people I do not respect or worst, those that I deem not suitable for the job. But at least, if the person is trying his or her best I would still appreciate that. I cannot stand someone that takes things as a game or puts self above the job. And lastly, I would prefer the person to complain about the job a bit less. You accepted the role, now do it properly. You already know it is going to be tiring, you are going to be running around, and various people will pester you. You being tired or the food is not to your liking is your own issue and you should deal with it better. We are all tired. We are all eating the same food. Not our fault you are very choosy and you could not find something to eat at a freaking buffet. Think about that for a minute. A buffet.

I might sound like I am severely prejudiced against the said person but I guess I am. How dare you to actually claim that the food is not suitable for human consumption. Do you even think with your head? Just because you want to clear off all the props does not mean you can wipe it off at the losing teams. Can't you give something like certificates of participation instead? You have the losing teams march onto the stage to accept a beach ball which in the end becomes the 'Ball of Shame'. Lastly, the prize money for the winning team is so much. The points calculation were so questionable that finding out the amount of money won amplified the feelings of anger and disappointment. Many people really put in a lot of effort to complete all the games that day. Some got injured, some got sick, and you are just going to smile and say 'too bad?', I will wipe the floor with your face.

The prize money would have covered all my expenses coming to the team building event. The prize money would have allowed me to buy things for my friends or my family. The prize money would have been the difference between me going home with a bottle of whisky for my father or nothing at all. Some of us came back from the team building still bitter or perhaps even regret for not trying hard enough. Should we blame ourselves or blame the game masters that provided questionable results? Sure, it is just a game. But when money is involved, it is not anymore for me. I would rate the team building as a failure. I understand it is very hard to have everyone going back home with a smile. I guess next time I should just make sure I do not repeat the same mistake if at all possible. Most probably I will only fully comprehend the difficulty of the task when I am in the hot seat.

One more funny thing, during the beginning of the team building session, we were asked to present a question to the person next to me and I actually got the following question 'What is the best present you have received on your birthday? It hit me like a freight truck on fire. Since I am an adult, I have not gotten any presents for my birthday. My family is only as rich as I am and my other friends just wish me through Facebook. I have never gotten anything memorable recently. I guess I really do not have anyone that matters in my life. Maybe it is due to me never giving any presents to people on their birthday either? But it is not like they celebrate their birthday with me. I do not matter to them as much as they do not matter to me. 

Oh yeah, I also dislike how people really go crazy just for free beer. Why are you killing yourself with a smile? Why do you people make fun of people who do not want to drink? Can't we just have fun without drinking? Must we drink so that you will stop? Why are you causing trouble for everyone else? I was so pissed. They should also put all the beer drinkers in a room so that they will not cause a disturbance to those who want to rest early. All of us are tired. We do not need someone banging on the door and raising their voice, waking up everyone. Just because you are not waking up early, does not mean everyone else is not. Stop being so selfish and try to be more considerate for a change. Things will not change in the near future. I will have to live with it. I think I am going to stop now, I am getting sick of writing any more. Have a good weekend everyone. 

What I meant was...

While waiting for my housemate to stop hogging both the washing machine and the bathroom, decided to write something. Recently a lot of things have been happening. I guess this is the correct way to live, at least to my own personal definition. A few days ago I posted a video of myself doing the ALS ice bucket challenge. I read about ALS and it is pretty scary. I mean look at Stephen Hawking and imagine yourself in that situation for the next 30 years, if you are lucky. Else you die as a horrible shadow of your former self, unable to talk, unable to move, unable to live. And nobody is immune, nor is it limited to only those with family history. Is this condition an effect of karma or simply fate? Nobody knows. Anyway I donated a small sum and if you are interested to watch it, I have set it to public on Youtube. Good luck finding it.

So the main topic is about a a status update I posted on Facebook a few days ago about loneliness. In the most literal sense we are never alone. We are only alone if we make it that way. If we shut ourselves away from others or push them out. But what I meant was I do not have anybody that 'gets' me. As in to think in the same spectrum or brainwave or any bombastic term you can muster. Do you have a friend that agrees with your choices? Are they really in the same mindset or are they only going with the flow? Or worst, are they suppressing their needs to please you? No matter what, you as a friend, should appreciate their companionship and try not to be too selfish or lead them into traps. Traps as in horrible offers or bad choices in which you drag them along.

I hate those people. And I admit, I am suppressing myself at work. Or when I am out with a certain group of friends. Back in the university I do not give a damn about what the others think and look at how it turned out for me? Finding the balance is one tough challenge and I am jealous with people who have best friends. I guess both sides have to put in much effort to make things work. Speaking of work, I am having a bad time abiding with the lunch choices. I am trying very hard to slim down and oftentimes I am so hungry I get very cranky and I get colleagues who dive in without caring for their health or weather. I speak of weather because everyone gets smelly and sweaty walking that far for food that is not worth the effort. Vegetarian food is only healthy when it is properly cooked and prepared. We get deep-fried flour and thick syrup gravy.

I sincerely have no idea how I am going to have a kid of my own when I could not stand the childish antics of my colleagues. Why are we even coordinating our outfits or only going for outings when everyone is available? In the end, nothing gets done. I am unable to comprehend the way they talk as well. The insults are ridiculous and the refusal to admit they are wrong is very astounding. This is on a more personal level but I honestly am impatient with bad speakers. I am not a good speaker myself but at least I am able to get my point across. You can wipe your middle finger in my face but this is what I feel. The daily test of patience sometimes gets the better of me but somehow nothing regrettable has happened yet. To those who I really cannot stand, I try to make it clear that I do not appreciate their companionship.

 How much can you tolerate for a friend? Can just anybody be your friend? Are you positive or open-minded enough to just accept everybody? No matter how offensive they are? Even if they insult your principles or step on your code of conduct? No, you try to draw a line between you and them. You try to keep it professional. No bridges will be burnt. If they still do not get it, you avoid them like the plague. What is the point then? You keep people close, they hurt you. You keep them far, you feel alone. Basically is the problem on myself? I see people sharing something like 'When you apologize first, you value friendship more than your ego'. In my opinion, you are basically letting them a free pass to do the same thing again. I think you got to let them know it is wrong. And being an adult, hopefully they will be considerate and come to an agreement. Remember what you read 2 minutes ago? The problem is they are not capable of thinking like an adult.

Harsh words? I prefer to say honest words. You have no idea how much I have pent up inside of me all this while. One after another, from every workplace there will be people who rub you the wrong way. How do you handle all the insanity? You just go with the flow and swallow everything, good or bad? Are you sure that is the best thing to do? But I guess perhaps you have bigger issues to deal with. Maybe the reason why I am so pissed off with probably just a petty thing is because life is good? Whatever problem that you are staring at tends to be the largest one. So if I do not have anything else to rant about I guess this is it? Maybe I just learned to live with the other problems. You can never have enough money, a girl friend is still pretty much impossible. Oh yeah, there are still people talking shit about my hair and about me being gay. Leave me alone!

Marathon and a hair cut

Most of you would be more interested in the second part of the title but be prepared to be disappointed as I myself could not bear to take a selfie. I need more time. My hair has been with me since university days. It is an understatement if you think people are merely surprised by the change. I admit I have been pretty stubborn about it in the past but I have decided to take action this time around. I will rant about it after I talk about happy stuff. Last weekend, I finally completed my first full marathon at Langkawi. I have never been to Langkawi so things turn out pretty good I would say. No, I did not have sex on the beach. And no, you are not the first to ask. Yes, I am pretty annoyed with the question.

Pricks aside, it was really fun and eye-opening. The run was far more challenging than I have imagined. The most I have run during practice was 32km and I was so wrong to think that another 10km would not be that bad. The course itself is very hilly but I have always been running on a hilly track, just not as steep. Something to add into my training plan for the next marathon which is rumoured to be worst. The weather was pretty comfortable though. However, I lost an earbud for my headphones during the run so that is a major bummer. I already have experience with stopping at water stations and eating power gels during Johor's half marathon so it is not something new this time around. However, coconuts being served is certainly very new!

My joy of finishing was dampened when I saw my timing though. I am still happy for sure but mostly just because the ordeal is over. I guess I am so over-confident that I thought finishing is a certainty. Of course it is a pretty good 5:20 especially for a beginner but I have read articles about people finishing below 5 for their first marathon. Maybe the running course is different. But I refuse to accept that excuse. I am just not that good yet. I guess a part of me agreed that thinking like that is the best to keep myself grounded and to aim for a better finishing time in the upcoming marathons. Cool to see those that finish earlier than me did not have all those cool and expensive running gear except for a nice shoe or proper compression shorts. I have nothing against people who require running gear just that I have a personal vendetta towards rich people. Call it jealousy.

About my hair, I was seriously considering it during my journey back from Langkawi. I wonder if I am still under the influence of the adrenaline. I guess enough is enough. Throughout the years I have taken so much unwanted comments about my hairstyle that I have lost count. From being labelled as gay or pretty (in a very negative way I assure you) to being told that it is the cause I am still single. Of course I did not blow up in your face when you say those things. I even laughed at your jokes. But just because I laugh it off, does not mean it is not taken as an insult. Just because I have heard it over a thousand times, it does not make it any less offensive. In fact it might feel worst. Try to remember the last time you are forced to laugh an insult off just because you are socially obligated to present yourself as a creature with a good sense of humour and high EQ.

Bitterness aside, I really did not have a good reason not to cut my hair. I was using my hair as a conversation topic and to take away the attention from my face. So much time has passed since I last saw my face with short hair. Never try never know right? I am not one to shy away from a challenge, especially not one as trivial as this. I have lived with insults from the days of being overweight to being called a sissy or gay, it could not get any worst right? However, it was not any better either. The comments died down after a while thankfully. I am still reaching to untie my hair every time I want to take a bath or go to sleep. Hopefully things will get better. If not, at least I will have something to say to the same people when I want to grow out my hair again. I will be keeping it short for a while.

In the end, all my rants can be rendered moot simply by acknowledging the fact that my decisions and nothing else brought about everything. My financial situation is not the best, and I could have taken the job offer to work at a financial institution or take up freelancing but I refuse. I am annoyed with people but I could have just ignored them or kept my distance or even try to make new friends elsewhere. I hate comments about my hair but I was the one who decided it might be cool to keep it long, a good change of image. I get jealous when I see people with rich toys or great friends but I am just judging by first impression. Maybe they worked hard for it. But that is just how things are in this world right? People judge easily. They do not play by my rules either. Oh well, such is life.

When will my sun rise?

It is actually quite interesting to have a blog with such a long history because it is like a window to your past. With my memory and imagination I could relive the emotion and the events that drove me to write the post even though it can be painful. Anyway, the reason why I write today is because I am feeling particularly confused and depressed and felt that writing things down will help me reorganize my thoughts. This has nothing to do with my previous post. Surprisingly, or perhaps disappointingly, the news did not hit me as hard as I thought it would. Well it will happen sooner or later, for the both of us. However, I still thinks she deserves better. No, I am not talking about a girlfriend, and honestly though, if you could magically make her mine right this instant, I would say no and ask you to just fly away somewhere.

As you guys may or may not know, I finished another Korean drama today and the bitter feeling is killing me. I guess my life is too empty even though I would hate to admit it. The marathon, the gym, work, everything I spend time in is actually a big diversion from the main problem in my life. I was so absorbed in the romance depicted in the drama that I have absolutely no idea what to do with my evenings once it is finished. The pointless routine to some of you is the highlight of my day as I escape into a world which I have never set foot on. Not even once. How much I would like to hug someone as hard I as can, never to let go, how much I want to run my fingers through my partner's hair, how much I would like to finally love someone so much that I would actually stand in front of a screwdriver. Yes, I am referring to that scene for you people who watched the drama.

Let me ask you something honestly, how many of you would gladly, without even blinking proclaim you can and will die for your partner? You can brush me off as crazy but I would like to love someone that much one day. To love so much that it hurts. I have loved someone before in the past, but I have never asked myself the question while I am still hooked so I guess my opinion now does not count. To be happy just from hearing her voice, talking to her and seeing her smile and laugh. For the first time I am exposed to loveable childishness. I hate people acting cute and childish with a burning passion. But now, I stand corrected. With the proper execution, it is quite charming. For most of you out there, you would think that I am just in love with another stunning Korean actress. For that I can assure you that you are not my friend. Shame on you.

I have never loved someone for their looks. I am attracted of course, but to fall in love, it was never due to appearance. I realized this after the movie Stardust starring Claire Danes. I had a movie crush on her and looked her up on the Internet. However, I lost interest in her real person, just attracted to her character. It is the same with all the girls I have loved. Were they pretty? Not even close to the Korean standard. I hope with this, nobody will tell me to 'lower your expectations' ever again. Why should I lower my expectations of my love? Is it wrong to look for someone that will love you back? It is the same when I moved on from the girls. My heart, my feelings are locked in that period of time. I have no interest in them now. The 'her' that waved me goodbye at the school stairs will always be the one that I loved. The 'her' that stood at the hostel stairs, waiting for me, 'her' that took my hand as we dashed across the road.

Will the one finally come? I have no idea. But unfortunately, I don't think I am ready for a relationship as well. No financial strength. Maybe things will change when she comes. I will make it work somehow. Even though I am still relatively young, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of happiness in life. People I know, they had the chance to date each other for a few years but some just got pregnant not long after marriage. I guess they had enough of dates and felt it was time for a child. I want to experience it all before a child comes along. I want to date her as a man and then as a husband and finally only a father. I believe it will be fun. Am I being dragged along by all the ridiculous Korean dramas? Perhaps I am. This is the only happiness I have, to smile when the character I am rooting for smiles, to live a life I never had, that warm fuzzy feeling you will never get from the people around me. I would be so much happier if one of them can just stop insulting me.

Here I am drowning myself with the soundtrack of the drama as I write this post. It really helps to bring out all that I want to say. I learnt a lot from the drama. 'When your heart doesn't tell the truth, pain gives the answer'. 'Nobody knows what happens after the decision'. 'Giving someone love does not promise happiness in return'. Such simple truths but I never thought about it unless someone just says it in my face. I understand that reality may never work the same way as the dramas depict but I got nothing else to work with right now. And I finally understood why people would want to rewatch entire shows. This is the very reason. You grow fond of the characters, their interaction, their love. I watched it not to find out who was the culprit, I just want to know if she gets the guy in the end. It was so much fun. And just like everything else in this world, it will end. I guess I have written enough for now, the rest I have to sort it out myself this coming weekend at Langkawi. Maybe the marathon will do me some good. Maybe a miracle will happen.

Look at her. Supermodel? No. She depicted a deranged girl next door so perfectly, I wished I had a metal bin ghost to talk to at the mall. I really liked how she wore those torn jeans. Never thought it would be so fashionable. The girls I know only wear skinny jeans which is very boring and unattractive. Well since I am not as good looking or talented or rich as the guy, then I have to build up whatever I have. But seriously, money helps A LOT. Maybe, just maybe, on the day I decide to really earn money, she will come. Right now, I am simply earning as much as I need to survive and provide for my parents. Maybe, if I earn enough for 2 adults, things might be different. Or it may not. Who knows? Nobody knows what happens after the decision :)

Goodbye my Korean bias

I could not think of a better title. Anyway, regular readers and personal contacts should know what is coming so If you can't stand mushy ramblings and Korean idolism, please close this blog. It is as the title says, I am sad after the Korean idol that I love has been announced to be in a relationship. I know it sounds childish, I know it is ridiculous for a grown 28 year old man to be reacting like a 13 year old but if you are not disgusted enough yet, hear me out. She WAS the star that I am shooting for. Sure it is impossible, but because it is impossible, I manage to do impossible things. Things that I would not have done if not because of the inspiration from her. Indeed I am selfish and useless. I used her as an excuse. And that very excuse was strong enough to drive me up here, where I am now.

A few years ago, when Kpop started to explode, I was not affected by the initial wave. No, I am not an early adopter. I did not even know the name of their group. Their music was aired everywhere even in the cybercafe that I frequent. "Gee gee gee gee". I brushed it off as a stupid song. And then more songs came out of the woodwork. "Nobody", "Genie", "Sorry, sorry". I do not know any of them nor did I bother. Seriously if you ask me now, I can even name who is the one singing the particular verse. Yes it is THAT bad. Anyway, surprisingly it all started not from the MV but from a funny video I saw in Youtube. I guess I now know what to thank for my journey thus far. This is the starting point. I never knew pretty celebrities can be so funny. And would dare to be filmed without makeup. I started to get curious. Here it is :

Then I found out who belongs to which group. There was such big contrast between their stage persona and the image they display on the variety show. I was hopelessly hooked. After what seems like hundreds of hours watching related videos on Youtube, I wanted to watch the entire series. And I started digging. While digging, I got to know more of them. And only one really got my eye. Her laughter was so infectious, so real, I yearned for more :

One video leads to another and that's it. Sealed the deal. No one I know laughed like that. She looks kind of plain but I was never one to go for physical appearance. To fans, please do not get offended, I am merely referring to her debut years. She looked like the girl next door who would laugh at your jokes and a joy to be with. She was the best thing that never happened to me. Hurt by the females in the real world, I devoted myself entirely to the illusion that one day we might end up together. Nobody knows what will happen in the future right? It might just will. That line of thought changed everything. Everything became possible. As long as there is a future, as long as both of us are alive. I started to believe. Because I wanted it to happen.

But I am a nobody. I am a loser. I am fat and ugly. No thanks to the girls who earnestly reminded me of the facts. I cannot change my face, but I can do something about being fat. I can do something about being a loser. I can be good at something. I can accomplish something in life. I will accomplish something in life. As her career soared, so did my ambitions. So did my effort to improve myself. I have to increase the chances of it happening, no matter how small. I have to make myself at least presentable. At least someone that will not embarrass anybody when I am walking around. Watching her practice videos, her interview videos recounting her hardship pre-debut, I endured through the pain. If she can do it, why not me? Look at everybody else as well. I have to work harder.

Now I am fit. Now I run half-marathons every weekend 6 in the morning, listening to their songs during the final lap sprint. Smiling to myself. I used them to carry myself over the loneliness of staying alone. It feels like I can do anything, I will be alright, as long as you are still around. It is okay if you feel sad or disgusted by this. I can understand where you are coming from. But this is how I coped with everything. Thanks to my lousy university life, I have almost zero social life. And a huge vendetta against everyone I know. Only through the passage of time, I start to forget. As things got better overall, I did not rely as much but they were a part of my life already. Her and her 8 sisters. I still follow their progress closely, pinning their best pictures religiously in Pinterest and doing all sorts of ridiculous fanboy activities. 

Then the news came. One after another they were revealed to be in a relationship with another person. However, it concerns me not because it was not her. Furthermore, I respect their male counterpart. They were either very manly or very capable. Deep inside, I knew her turn will come. But until that day, I will just continue living as usual. Maybe, just maybe, she will be different? Finally, today, the news broke out. Devastation and frustration ensued. It was someone younger than her. How can this be? You are my goddess. But this is no god. What trickery is this? This is the worst ending for this chapter of my life.

I was ready to let her go. But not to someone like this. Before that, I know what you are thinking. I talk as if I knew her in person and yet I have never even seen her in person. That is true. I do not seek your understanding. This is the honest confession of a weak, weak man. A confession of his weakness and hopefully the beginning of his own path, walking on his own two legs. A part of me knew it was wrong to be so obsessed with someone borderline imaginary. I should be focusing on reality. On the people in front of me. I should stop dreaming already. And that part was hoping for this day to come. And it is now. Today, this fateful day, is the end of my journey with you. You will never know me, but I will remember you for many years to come. You will not be my excuse anymore. You will not be my reason anymore. You will simply be just a happy memory. 

Been a while...

The last post was chronicling the days of my motorcycle accident. It really has been a while. The scars on my hand remain but my hand is more or less fully recovered. Makes for a great ice breaker if the other party is not put off by it in the first place. However, those that actually judge me for my appearance before even saying hello, nothing good will come from knowing them. I am proud to say that life has been pretty stable thus far. Until now that is. But still, it is a pretty good achievement, being able to keep it together for such a long while. Or perhaps there were issues from the start, which build up to the situation right now.

Even after so much training, I still have problems dealing with people and the things they say or they do. Talking to them about it only makes things awkward and it would be uncomfortable for both sides if they started being cautious around me. In a way, it does not feel like friendship after all. How do you justify being overly sensitive anyway? If you ask me about each and every annoyance, I can give you an explanation for all of them. Maybe you are saying I am letting it get to me. But maybe I am just not letting it slide so easily. If you ask me to change, how could I when I strongly believe that my opinion is legit and correct? You would have find it offensive as well but you just do not let it get to you. Calling you stupid in a joking capacity does not make the word any less offensive.

It is the same with their actions or their general attitude. It offends me. And I still have to smile and carry on daily while being pricked here and there. I dare say I will not explode from this but I do not want to suffer in silence either. It is not a matter of worth it or not I guess. The reason why nobody else finds it offensive means this might be a case unique only to me. That is also part of the reason why I did not take any action against this issue. Me against the world yet again. I fully comprehend the hardship of actually encountering another decent human being. I am not saying I am without flaws but I seriously long for a friend that makes me feel good instead of having me trying to make things work for both sides.

I was correct and wrong with money. I have the correct mindset by putting living first and earning second. But I also thought that having more money would improve my daily mood. This is very wrong. I can eat expensive meals now. However, there is no point when you are alone or with lousy company. And, the very fact that I have good memory of events and conversations only make things harder. It is not my choice to remember or to forget, I am just built like this. Why don't you go ask a forgetful person to just snap out of it and start remembering stuff? He or she can't. I cannot forget things with the flip of a switch in my brain either. Maybe your brain works that way but mine sure as hell do not.

I find myself being envious of the laughter that the coffeeshop owner shares with her relatives that are assisting the place. It seemed so genuine and so carefree. Many would say my life right now is already pretty carefree with minimal stress. I guess most of you are correct. Maybe because I do not have a gigantic concern to block my view, I started noticing all the other small things that annoy me. And I hear that stress is generated by yourself so it should be something I can control. Then there is much for me to learn. But where to learn is another thing altogether. If things do not work out after all, maybe I should move back home. I am afraid of it though. What happens if I get pissed off at home too? What if my heaven is not the heaven I think it would be? What do I do then?

Recently I finished a Korean drama that I think many of you would be familiar with. From the drama, I saw the main character recite numerous quotes from a book. Curious about it, I searched for it and found a free upload online. It is quite a great book and I think it carries a different meaning for everyone depending on your life so far. One of the main themes is about love and how it will eventually come for everyone. How the titular character got hurt by love, closes his heart but then is saved by love in the end. "Someone will come for me". I also remember something someone said, "One day you too will be saved". Maybe it was just my imagination. But I want to believe that someone said that to me. Because I hope someone will come for me. I want someone to save me. Don't worry, not going to suicide. You know, just in case you guys have any funny ideas after reading this. Well, I think I feel better now. And life goes on.

You win. I lose.

The first post of 2014 and it starts with a very bitter taste. Today most probably is the worst day of 2014 so far. Fittingly so I guess since it is Monday. I woke up early hoping to finish work and gym early so that I can ride the bus back and the plan failed. So, being stingy and all I decided to walk like I always do. With more than 30 minutes between me and my destination, there is plenty of time to think. And boy, did I overthink things. In that time span I have cursed gods, ghosts, people, dogs, taxi drivers and evil shopkeepers. All the 'if's start to pour out like a broken dam and the bitterness just builds. If only I am rich, if only I did not get into an accident, if only my motor is alright, if only I was a bit earlier. Regrets, disappointments and just plain hatred. Let it simmer for a bit.

Here comes the bomb though. I was actually stupid enough to question my family's spending during the daily phone call. I could not kick myself enough for that. I have failed myself. I was supposed to be the bastion, to be entirely dedicated to the well-being of my family in Ipoh without question. Without doubts. Now I have cracked. Basically I lost to life. I lost to a higher being, or a god that is trying to make a point. Point taken now. You win. I have nothing left against you. If this is karma, then I hope what I did was worth it. This life or previous. Of course you would argue this is too light to be karma. I am making things too dramatic. Perhaps you are right. I feel I am alone in this issue. I feel that there is no win-win scenario. To you, I am making things difficult for myself. But this is the only way I know how to live.

Have you ever been so angry that you would wonder how it feels like to hit whoever or whatever it is that set the circumstances up for you? Maybe I am trying to avoid the problem, blaming something else. However, nobody else knows me enough to tell me otherwise properly either. I often end up quarreling with people that try to help because I feel they do not know anything and they act like a jerk offering solutions like a know-it-all would. Of course the solutions work for them, so it should work for me right? Wrong. There are many things that you feel comfortable doing and I do not. Sure, I am the one in trouble now so beggars can't be choosers right? Yes, I choose to find a better way. And thus, I got my ass handed back to me on a silver platter just to make it extra ironic.

Fine then. I won't be going on my vacation anytime soon. I will work towards finding money so that I do not feel anything when my family needs more. No cars, no bros, no chicks right? Fine then. I will accept it and live on my own, walking all over the city chasing after public transportation. Whatever the god or power decrees, I will just take it now. At least for the rest of tonight. Maybe I will just reset myself tomorrow. When things got bottled up for a while with nowhere to go, it tends to explode in a disgusting mess sometimes. I would rather to do this every few months or so than to bash somebody for no apparent reason and then regret about it in prison. I really have to see a shrink or at least a friend who is good at listening. Don't you dare to volunteer dear reader. The very reason why I am blogging right here right now is because there is no such friend in my social circle yet.