Everything comes to an end

Somehow this topic kept on ringing in my head for a while. Don't worry I am no where near suicidal yet but everything comes to an end in life right? Nothing lasts forever and usually it ends before we are ready for it. Of course nobody would want to prepare for the end while whatever it is still lasts since that will completely destroy the moments. However, we will end up with deep regrets most of the time. We can try to reduce the amount of regret by not procrastinating but it is only on best effort basis. Circumstances will not allow things to end perfectly unless you are really lucky. Sometimes reality helps to ease the pain by providing a replacement of sorts, a new beginning if you will. Sometimes you need to look for it yourself. Funny thing is, sometimes the end is determined by yourself. If you choose to accept it, or to give up, then that is all. But it might not be the same for the other party if there is one. Today I realized that I cannot rely on relationships of the past anymore. And I also realized some relationships never really ended. It might simply be my naive assumption but I choose to be optimistic this time around.

Many things are beginning for me as well. I have settled for a room in a house a few streets away. It is within walking distance so I can move in at my leisure. Most importantly, I can move by myself. I will just carry the boxes one by one. The house is a fully rental house so there will not be a television set or Astro anymore. Something that I may or may not have to give up. That is something to think about when I could afford more luxuries. Currently my bank account is bleeding with my new laptop purchase already. Now with the added room rental costs, my finance management skills will be thoroughly tested. Unless some miracle happens at the office and I end up with increment or a bonus. My new motto is never live never know. Before you try a chance, you need to live until there is a chance right? Too early to give up. The new laptop is a great addition to my entertainment since it is a top end model. I can play practically any game in the market. However, the problem is getting some of the older games that I missed. They don't even exist in those piracy websites anymore.

A laptop is never a replacement for a television set. For me, the television is the life of a household, it is where every member of the house congregates and spend time. This is why we have a place called the 'living room' in our houses. I am not sure about the others, but I am not really a fan of spending all my time in my room. Even now, my room's door is open. Well first of all it is for ventilation but secondly I feel more comfortable having it open. I have always been a 'people' kind of person deep inside. Somehow I got stuck in my room during my university days and I ended up being depressed most of the time. I feel that I am only truly living now. I am surprised at who I am recently. I come up with all this stupid ideas, I take photos and I find motivation in the most unlikely of things in my life. I am glad that I am able to get closer to all that I can be. I do not think it is appropriate to say that this is not me or the guy in the past is not me. It is incorrect to say I am fake either. We evolve, we grow and we change for the better or worst. It is simply a sign that we are living and not dead inside. We gain more angles to our personality and we become more colorful. What else will I discover tomorrow? Who will I be in 5 years time? I just need to run forward to find out. Easy.

July Update~~

Considering I am a web developer I guess I can do this much. Finally I can include 2 pictures in a post. And the pictures are now taken with my new laptop sporting a stronger webcam plus a datestamp. As you can see, there are subtle improvements to my physique but nothing too significant. Well, this kind of things take time and effort. So time and effort is what I am going to give. From the first picture I guess experienced bodybuilders would be able to spot that I have no chest actually. It only exists when I am in neutral where my arms are lowered beside. If I position my arms slightly back or over my head, you can see my chestplate aka bone instead of a toned chest. Furthermore, I took another picture with a timer to check out my back and sure enough it is as smooth as can be. I blame it on the lack of pulling exercise available to me in my room. I have never done a single chin-up for more than a year I think. For all my arm size is worth, I don't think it actually has tat much strength. However, I am seriously considering attending gym should my circumstances improve. There are a lot of exciting changes coming soon.

First of all, I am going to move. Yes, I am finally moving to a new place after staying here for 3 years. I guess it is about time that I change my environment as well. I do have a lot of restrictions here even though there are some benefits. Living with other people can be one of the best things to ever happen to me or the worst. It all depends on my future housemates. I have been going around the area here at Damansara Jaya diligently searching for room for rent. I have also dropped messages to friends in Ipoh asking if they are interested in sharing a room or even perhaps an entire house. It is quite risky but no harm asking I think. I will be moving most probably middle of August. Even though expenses will increase by a significant number, but I guess it is about time I started spending. It is an addictive thing. Once you start to enjoy life a bit more, it is harder to stop now. Life is meant to be enjoyed, but always only to a certain extent. One should never derive entertainment or pleasure at the heavy expense of one's own future or the well-being of others.

I am getting a strong headache now all of a sudden so I will try to cut this short. I have a lot to say actually but as usual most of them just disappears somewhere. I noticed a lot of traffic coming in simply because I changed the title of my blog. To those that came in hoping for information on Psy's Gangnam Style, I am sorry to say that you can only watch the MV here. I can't say that my blog reflects on the message delivered by the MV nor do am I able to say that I can live up to Gangnam Style. It is a fun song at best but to me, most importantly is to be yourself, be confident and simply conquer the world with your own style. I will try to live according to this mantra but it is not possible to follow it all the time. This is an important lesson I learnt while trying to uphold my principles. Be flexible. As I like to say nowadays, do not limit yourself to one thing or one decision, always be ready to accept something new and new worlds will open itself to you. That is all from me for now, most probably I will be posting more tomorrow. Take care and enjoy the rest of the weekends.

Room cooked food!

I am proud to report finally I have managed to cook a complete meal by myself. After thinking for a while, I decided to buy a pack of brown rice to try out. It came out a bit burnt instead but it is soft like normal rice. There is little to no taste at all though. Nothing a little bit of pepper can't solve. As you can see from the picture above, I have a piece of steamed chicken and some greens with cream cheese. This is as healthy as healthy could get. I should add in an egg though. On another note, I look flabby. I know it is hard to look slim while sitting down but then, I do wish my stomach is firmer. Holding my breath does not help things. It only sucks in the cavity around the chest not at the lower abdomen. I still have a long way to go. Today I read an article regarding body-building and I guess this is as much as I can manage without gym and supplements. Slowly but surely I will come to accept that this is as far as I can go. But before I give up completely, I will still keep up my routine as a healthy lifestyle investment as long as possible. I think I am above average already. And I intend to stay that way, for the sake of my self-confidence as well as my health.

As you may have noticed, I have fiddled with my blog layout as well as added annoying background music simply because it is awesome. I was toying with the thought of actually taking blogging to a serious level but what can I blog about? Of course it should be a commercial topic since not everyone likes to read the personal thoughts of a complete stranger. I am no food expert nor do I have a good camera to capture images. I can't talk about K-pop either since there should be a gazillion blogs out there dedicated to the same thing. So I guess it should remain as it is. I will be tinkering with my blog from time to time out of self interest. You never know what might happen. Anyway the reason for my sudden free time is because this week I totally abstained from hanging out at the cybercafe. Even though cheap but the frequency of my visits are taking its toll on my wallet and generally my future finances. I have been exploring things to do with my time but most of it are spur of the moment kind of stuff, nothing solid. Sadly, I have yet to start studying my Korean. I did manage to get a chunk of office work done so tomorrow should be a bit open. Being able to work at home is awesome.

I intend to sleep early tonight since I couldn't take a nap in the afternoon. Even though I feel tired but my thoughts wander around when I tried to sleep. I guess it is simply my eyes being tired of staring at the screen whole day. It is no different from a normal weekday. Nevertheless I will provide my body with ample rest so that I will recover perfectly for my workout tomorrow. Referring back to the article I read, I cannot really measure the distance between workout intensity since I have never touched gym equipment but I know for sure the diet is very different. The meals I can still emulate but the amount of supplements that guy consumes is very very amazing. I am actually surprised you need that much to pump and maintain your body at that level. I always thought I simply lack the whey protein but in fact it was much more than that. Hopefully at the very least I will be able to cut out more fat from my body even though I will not end up very muscular. That is my main goal. I am actually trying very hard already considering my extremities are skinny. Maybe my body clings to the last bunch of fat around my abdomen since I do not eat that much anymore. I will need another month to find out. That's all, take care and good day~

Updates and questions

I was getting bored sitting in my room and so I find myself here again. Sorry that I still haven't update my Facebook display picture. Pretty lazy lately. For the previous week I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep due to mosquitoes or midnight toilet breaks. My work performance dwindled severely on Thursday as I stayed up late to catch a health show repeat. I couldn't even think properly as my thoughts scatter. I jump straight into bed right after work, waking up in time for dinner. Never underestimate the call for food. Thankfully, since I decided to stop going to cybercafe completely, I have been able to catch up with sleep today. I am not fully recovered yet since I still yawn in the middle of day and that is what Sunday's are for. I think 2 day's worth of rest and relaxation should be enough to reset my brain in preparation for the coming week. My project's deadline is approaching fast. Furthermore, I think the reason my muscle development hit a plateau is due to lack of quality rest as well. Hopefully, I will be able to perform better during my exercise sessions to maximize my gains. Judging from my own observation, there is little growth but more towards firming the entire frame. Maybe I should try bulking up but it may look horrible.

I have been thinking lately, what is in a name? To the Chinese, a name usually consists of the family name and followed by meaningful characters. For me, it simply means 'respect' and 'glory' or 'pride'. My brother's name is actually paired with mine as his middle name means 'ancestor'. So my parents hope both of us will be filial and honour our lineage and ancestry. However, if you put mine together it means I respect glory. Indeed I do. I respect high-achievers, people who are capable or skilful in their field. But it is does not mean everything to me. It simply is something that I value more than other aspects of a person. More on this later, better finish up this segment first. Some western countries do not share the same opinion on a name though. To them a name is only something to call someone with. It does not specifically need any meaning whatsoever. It is a fact that common names nowadays are based off terms from Latin or other languages but to the common man, there is no meaning. Of course a person does not become a criminal by simply having a negative term in his or her name. It is a general rule that every parent would like their offspring to do well in life and lead a meaningful existence so usually all names are positive.


About wealth, I have negative opinions of people with wealth. Most of them that I have met spends money easily. Of course they are allowed to do that because it is their money. But that does not mean I can do the same. When I try to explain, they just look at me like I am lying about my financial situation. How thick can they be? Call me naive, but come over and prove me wrong. Call me bitter or jealous but I also dislike people who buy things simply because it is the trend and defies all common sense. How come they could do that whereas people with better money sense are stuck with pennies? I know I have been visiting this topic very frequently but such is the frequency that I bump into people like that. They do not share the same definition of money as the people who needs it. The view and perspective are totally different. To have financial freedom and stability is a luxury. If I have it, I would have joined people for a trip to Korea. I would have joined people for concerts and outings. But my income is not as strong as it is supposed to be. People ask me to invest but I do not have that much to begin with. I am much too afraid to try with whatever little amount that I have right now. Most probably I will still be riding my motorcycle for quite some time.

Last question, I seriously do not understand how a person can switch partners so quickly while others stay single for much longer. I do not remember if I have visited this topic before but it is something I have always been curious about. I always wonder how does a person manage to get a new partner in less than 3 months after the break up. Is it an underground affair all this while? Or fate is really that efficient? Is the previous relationship worth nothing? At least to me, it reflects rather badly to the person. Of course if the couple ends up happily ever after I will eat my words but I have seen people jumping from one to another for a few times. Do they never learn? Or I am simply thinking too much? What about those that did not enter a relationship for a long time after a break up? Are they still hoping to get back together? Is the trauma so great that you do not believe in another member of the opposite sex anymore? Playing it safe and decided not to rush things? I do understand there is no right and wrong in the matter of love nor is there a measuring standard that applies to all. This is simply the opinion of an observer with no personal relationship experience whatsoever. So you can disregard everything I have said or just sit down and look at the people around you. Do not get me started on couples that marry early. That's it for now, I hope it has been a thought-provoking read.

The decision to change

Well my current thoughts are a bit too much to compile into a sentence for Facebook so I guess a very short post is in order. This is my blog so I do have the right to do whatever I want. Finally I have deleted the people I mentioned in my previous post. I hope they do not mind and I actually gave one last try to at least know why I was isolated in the first place. Maybe they never thought of it that way, maybe I was overthinking things but I know that I didn't even deserve an answer. Perhaps I have always been the weird dude or the unapproachable depressed guy. I never got a second chance to prove myself a better person. Hopefully I won't be making the same mistakes with the rest of my friends or what is left of the pool. Safest approach would be to keep them at a distance but that is not a healthy friendship I guess. Well the first step would be to actually find people to relate with. Or change my display picture in Facebook. I think I will do that soonest possible.

I have also decided to stop my cybercafe adventures. After much procrastination, I will start on those online Korean lessons. I honestly need something to stimulate my brain and to stop draining my financial resources. I guess that is all for personal changes. The later half of the year should be much more interesting with developments on all the different fronts. By next month, I vow to grab a pair of running shoes and start running again. Currently I am doing strength training in my room 3 days of the week and I guess I will sneak in the running every other day. I will stop with leg training and rely purely on the burn from running. Pure strength is actually great if you want to lose weight and build muscles but it does nothing for cardiovascular health or stamina. What use is a properly toned pair of legs when it couldn't carry you 10 or even 5km? Guys with muscles but without cardio are at risk of suffering a heart attack just like any other guy. Like I said, I have always been searching for an overall healthy approach. Speaking of health, I think I should go sleep now.

Power of words

Just a short post. Words hold a very great power. It can create and destroy at the same time. Saying the correct words at the correct time is one of the keys to success in life. With words you can convince someone to trust you, to buy your products or to hire you. With words you can win the girl of your dreams. Or lose her. With words you can destroy 10 years of friendship. The same goes for unspoken words. If you hold it in for too long, afraid of the consequences, it might create a much more severe scenario. If you missed the chance to express yourself, the chance may never present itself to you ever again for the rest of your life. Can you blame someone to make a mistake with words then? However, what you know does not represent that the other party knows the same. They may not be aware of how strong words can be. And you wouldn't know. Some people prefer to treat words lightly and follow the old saying that action is more important than words. But when action is not available, you can only rely on words.

Today I posted a comment here http://dontlikethatbro.blogspot.com/2012/07/bros-those-three-words.html#comment-form in response to a funny comic that the author drew. I guess I got the inspiration for this post from it. But then there is a quote running in my head for a while now and I was already looking for a way to elaborate on it so this is a good chance to do so. To quote the lyrics from a song 'Before the tears dry up'. Different people will interpret this differently. But to me, it simply means before it is too late. When someone is crying over something you did, you can still try to salvage the situation by explaining yourself, correcting the error or take responsibility in some way. When the crying stops though, the wound has healed and the scar will always be there as a reminder of the pain. At that point, it is almost impossible to erase it. Somehow the words seem very meaningful to me and has stuck with me ever since I first heard the song. To drive someone to the point of crying, it must have been terrible. If I saw tear stains I don't think I will know what to do.

But now there is something I know I have to do. As part of my 2012 changes, I have decided to remove more people in Facebook. Facebook is a double-edged sword. You can share your happiness, meet up with friends and find new ones while you grow jealous of people and remember the bad things the others did. Many people simply do not wish to handle the awkwardness of bumping into people that you removed from Facebook. But then again, is it worth the anguish you feel? I have been isolated in the past and now I am still being isolated in the present. It is clear that I am an unwanted 'friend' or 'contact'. It is like a cruel employer purposely tormenting an employee in hopes that the employee will quit. Perhaps they have no intention of doing the same to me in a social setting but that is how I honestly feel. Confronting them seems like a fool's errand. Thus, I will grant their wish. I do not blame them because I know I am hard to deal with as well. I hope this will end in good will. If it does not, there is nothing I can do either. Life goes on and hopefully I can deal with life without all of you. Thank you for the time in the past. But it is already time to let you go.

Mundane

Recent days seem rather mundane to me. I have been stuck in the same project at work for a while now. No new changes in the social or economic front. The new rice cooker I bought is only practical during weekends when I have more time to experiment. Currently my house owner should still be unaware of my purchase. I am still using my old phone and my old laptop. Everything is just fine I guess. That is my biggest problem somehow. Among the reasons why I am such a heavy thinker is because I have a very short attention span. I cannot settle down into a routine that produce the same or known results. When I have free time, either I totally shut down and bum out watching TV or I start thinking about different things just to keep myself busy.  According to my parents, the only way to keep me quiet is to record 2 hours worth of TV advertisements and position me in front of it. I would just stare at the flashy graphics and the weird people talking in the box. Imagine a 5 year old already requiring that kind of stimulus to keep him interested. Now I am 26. I cannot work well without playing music as it would seem too 'quiet'. I feel comfortable opening up conversations with more than 3 people since I find the average reply speed pretty 'slow' for my tastes. So how the hell am I supposed to settle into a daily routine?

My daily life is still littered with minor annoyances. Call it superiority complex but don't you feel irritated also when there are rude drivers or obnoxious people speaking loudly in a crowded place? I find that I still harbour a lot of negative feelings towards people as a whole. There was a rumour that my company being the subsidiary might be forced to return to HQ later this year. I have been to HQ and the culture there is very 'friendly' and 'cosy'. To me, it simply means more headaches dealing with people. If I could find a corner seat, I would gladly take it. Let me slip on my headphones and I will deliver my work. Just don't disturb me. I am already making the assumption that having increased interaction with people would only increase annoyance. I am already accustomed to it and it really feels like that is the only way I can function properly. Maybe I am just afraid of history repeating itself. I would rather keep people at a safe distance away than to be isolated by 'friends'. It is like what someone posted in FB earlier today, asking what is the reason they add a person as a friend if they are just going to be quiet? It is like introducing yourself and then just continue talking to your own group of people. I will start deleting people in my list by this weekend. If sharing content, commenting or messaging is going to be a chore, then why bother right?

Referring to my post yesterday, I wish to add in about my obsession with skill or talent. Even though I usually judge people based on how they treat me first, I have a different rating system for skill. Since young, I have always disliked rich or influential people who inherited the privilege. The only reason they have what they have is simply because their parents earn it for them. Not because they are capable. Not because they are smarter than me. Maybe it is just my external projection of extreme jealousy but it is actually a double-edged sword. I have the utmost respect for people who have skill no matter their background. It will seem much more impressive when they do not rely on family support. But this way of thinking is flawed as well. Not everyone is blessed with a skill or talent. To think that hard work would suffice is very idealistic. There are walls that you will never be able to climb over simply through hard work. As for me, without financial wealth or other favourable privileges, the only thing I can rely on is honing skills. Anyway, simply put, I am a very bitter and complicated person I guess. I am those people that think reality itself is against me. Asking me to be grateful for what I have is useless since I will also remind myself of what I lack as I reflect on my life so far. Will I be able to change? Only time will tell. Onwards to tomorrow then.

More thoughts

Blogging is actually an enjoyable thing to do, provided you got time. It is very beneficial in a lot of ways. You can use it to express your thoughts, your feelings be it negative or positive. Of course it is always better to keep it positive since stuff like this tend to feed itself. You recount the good things in life, you will have a brighter outlook. The opposite happens if you dwell around negativity. Once you get stuck in a downward spiral, it is hard to release yourself without intervention by another party. I know some people have high personal awareness and maturity but it is always better to avoid rather than cure when possible. The days have been kind to me I guess. I am just greedy for more stimulation. Good or bad, events and issues give you things to think about, things to focus on at the very least. I am the kind of person that feels restless and flustered when I couldn't find a goal or couldn't make a clear decision. I do not like leaving things to circumstance or fate. Of course it is obvious that I hope I can control things as much as possible to avoid regrets or simply unnecessary trouble. But I also have a bad track record with fate in certain aspects of life. I am still alive and healthy though, and I hope I can keep it that way.

But circumstances are a fact of life. You cannot avoid dealing with circumstances if you want to continue living. What you can do is to steel yourself, try to prepare yourself and solve it the best way you can. It helps if you can find someone to support you along the way but even if you can't you still need to solve it. There is always a solution, either you didn't know, you are lazy or it is not beneficial to you. At that time, just choose the lesser evil I guess. Not all decisions are easy to make. That is why it is such an important skill to have either in your field of work or in your personal affairs. We need to accept that we cannot win in everything. Life is about give and take and coming out the winner in the end with a positive profit. I am also painfully aware that not everyone will be able to do that but at the very least give it your best shot. We only get to live once, make everything count. Sometimes it is easier to accept an unfavourable result when you know that you have already done whatever you can. Since reality dictates that you will fail, you can rest easy as there is nothing else you can do and there will be no regrets. The catch is that we won't know until we give it a try. There is no harm in trying when there is nothing else to lose. If you can't avoid losing, try to sneak in a small gain. If it was a miracle turn-around, I am sure it will serve as a wonderful memory. Don't give up.

I am already sick of people telling me positive advice on how to be positive or how to view my life. Good things do not always come to those who wait and sometimes not everyone is destined for a fulfilling and happy life. That is just the way it is. But I never stopped living my life. I have to prove them wrong or just fulfil whatever destiny that I have. To me, this is a win-win situation. Either way, I benefit somehow. Recently, I told someone that it is much more fun to dream. Of course the reply came back asking when will I wake up. My answer is easy and direct. If the promised day never comes, then life is simply a dream for me. If one day I finally get my chance, life would be fulfilling I guess. If it never comes, then life would just be me passing by this reality. It would be too idealistic to think that everyone will be able to live up to everything  that life has to offer. That too is a fact of life. But at the very least, see it through until the end. Some people only discover their life's calling through extraordinary circumstances. I am still waiting and is open to whatever reality 'suggests'. I am currently working as a web developer but who knows if I will be working in a different industry 5 years from now? I have never surrendered my future. I still need to feed myself and also support my family as much as possible. I am simply doing what I can do in the meantime, even though it might not be what I am supposed to do.

I have also been noted that I am rather harsh in judging people. It is very true. Maybe because people judge me a lot or simply because I am very strict with my principles. An eye for an eye. If you call me stupid, I will be willing to accept that moniker if you are smarter than me. If you eat your own words in the future, I will view you with extreme prejudice. If you come over with a superior tone, I will obey. I tend to give people the benefit of a doubt at first glance. Once you show an inferior display though, do not expect me to continue bowing. I try to follow my own rules all the time. I swear at people but I seldom call people stupid nor do I go about telling others what to do. I understand how annoying it could be. I guess this more or less explains one of the reasons why my social circle never grows. It is hard to even communicate with me since I will mark all of your words. However at least I do not nitpick and I do know not to take something literally all the time. I honestly hate that kind of humour. I don't get to show my displeasure all the time though. In the end, life revolves around relationships with other people. I realize a bit too late that I won't get too far if I do not take care of relationships, fake though it may be. To enjoy a true and honest relationship is something that seems to be too far to even wish for now.

Recollection

I think the title is suitable for this post because thanks to the comment I received for my June post, I have been thinking why I act like I did and how I can improve myself. There is no argument with the point made, however, it is not to say I do not have my own opinion.  I am reminded about how someone I know in the past talked about me 'needing' other people as well. She was apparently disgusted that I do not live for myself and find happiness in others. I am not sure if I really felt that way more than 10 years ago(?) but perhaps I meant that my life is not my own and I find joy in helping others and being an influence in the lives of others. My path, my feelings and my thoughts are not crafted by myself alone. I came this far via the advice, opinions, experience and feelings of others. And my future is not meant to be handled selfishly either. Which filial son do not wish to repay his parents? Which responsible husband do not wish to provide happiness for his wife? If I think only for myself, I dare say I will not be the person that I am today. I do not know if it is wrong to say I practically live for others but I still find joy in my day to day life by myself. Much to my chagrin, I do not have that many friends to hang out with and I am living independently in KL.

Onwards to my opinion on friends. First of all, people seldom do feel regret or bad once they hurt someone unless that person is very important and it was an accident or misunderstanding. We are constantly aware of what we do or say contrary to popular belief. Words hurt because it was filled with intention to hurt. It is the same with actions. I am sure everyone have 'friends' that are 'expendable'. They are nice to have but if the friendship ends, nothing much either. To me, I try not to handle friendship that way. A friend is a friend to the end. Growing up in Ipoh with the influence of gangs and perhaps TVB dramas, me and my neighbourhood friends have a strict code of loyalty. I still keep in touch with them even when I lost touch with secondary school friends and university friends. Therefore, a person is either a real friend or just a person I know. Either I keep you very close or I keep you very distant. My view on this might seem to be a bit over the top and serious for most which is not preferable. If I want to continue about my past experiences with bad people, it will take me the whole day literally. So to sum it up, before you judge someone for who he is now, why not try to spare a thought as to why he is so? If you can view people in a positive light, then spare me the benefit of a doubt that 'perhaps he has been hurt real bad'.

Of course I never wanted to doubt people. I have always wanted a peaceful and joyful life with my colleagues and the people I know. It is a win-win situation for everyone if it really turned out that way. On another note, this might come out as being sexist, but I think gender plays a role in how you view friendships. Though generally most of it is the same I guess. I am not too sure but coming from my observation, I find that females are better at keeping friends and keeping a straight face while throwing daggers. Isolation is one of the most painful things to happen to any person and I see it quite often when you are not part of the 'popular' group or you share a different opinion. Are we supposed to bend unconditionally in order to have 'friends'? What value does these 'friends' have then? Life as we know it grows complicated exponentially in time. When we are young, a name is all we need. Now people consider 'value' and 'attraction'. Well this post seems like I am nitpicking on the comment but please do not think of it that way. As you say, perhaps the reason why I have few friends is because I do not trust them in the first place. Both parties are waiting for each other to trust and in the end we come out stalemate. Much like a relationship. I think I should stop here since it seems like the topic keeps on growing and I am very very sleepy. Take care.

Important pain

Coming straight from the post yesterday, I would like to say that I am still doing natural exercises and not eating those protein powders. I still do not go to gym and I still rely on my own knowledge and experience to work out. I obtain my extra protein by eating 2 cans of tuna a week, 3 eggs a day for 3 days in a week, a lot of salad and cooked chicken that I purchase from the supermarket. Other than that, I am eating cooked food widely available everywhere such as economy rice, noodles and such but I avoid fried food or fast food whenever possible. I give myself an opening to have fast food once a week or some heavy food to avoid burning out from the diet. I have stopped consuming almonds as snacks due to the simple fact that they are very fattening when in excess. And it is easy to get carried away munching as you go about your daily routine. I still do not have training equipment in my room except for a 4kg dumb bell which I use mainly for warm up exercises. Almost everything is done using my body weight and furniture to provide me with the elevation to make things challenging. I do not think I have a lot of strength simply because my muscles are obvious. After all, I could not challenge my arms beyond how much my body weighed. Currently I am only 69kg and it might fluctuate both ways. And I have no access even to do chin-ups, so my back still looks average.

Onwards to the title, I first happen upon this term while I was reading the status of a friend in Facebook. It is what you think literally which means pain that is important. It sounds stupid but if you give it some thought, there are multiple painful experience or memories that we still hold on to simply because it is very important to us. Either due to the event itself or the people involved. It is simply unforgettable and will forever hold a special space in your heart. I have always treated the pain of my past as a curse and never think of them as 'important'. I wished I was more easy-going and oblivious sometimes. However, with this thought in mind, and the realization that the reason I am addicted to music is for the emotions it generates, I find that the pain is important to me. Maybe I feel alive or maybe I am simply reminded of what I hate, what I am trying to fix and thus what I am fighting for. Perhaps this is why some people enjoy listening to sad songs, getting immersed and singing along to it. There is some sort of enjoyment to it. I do not think that we are masochistic, but simply we subconsciously come to depend on it. When we have nothing much to cling to, we cling to whatever we can.

Nowadays I am getting flustered at the people in my daily life. Of course there are exceptions but the majority of the interactions I have are either meaningless banter or simply a reply. As I always say, I wish I have a wider array of people to talk to but sadly that is not the case. If the few people who is willing to listen are the same ones that throw daggers at you, will you shut them out and keep everything inside or just shut out your feelings? Instead of choosing people to take seriously as a friend, I chose to ignore almost everyone. And from there I became reliant on fantasy and dreams. Constantly exposing myself to dramas and comics to escape from the reality of my situation. I am already knee-deep in idol-worshipping as I numb my senses with nothing short of ideal personalities and scenarios hoping that one day I will meet them. I am well aware that the chances of it happening is more or less zero but I would rather bet on that than the people around me. To say I gave up on people might be an understatement. Reflecting on what I blogged yesterday, I am sorry to those who sincerely cared for me or meant every single word they said. Will I be beyond salvation? This protective bubble that I weave will not last long as reality will soon crush it relentlessly reminding me that I will not escape. I am actually at a loss of words as to how should I explain myself properly but this is the best I could come up with. We all have different defence mechanism in place to deal with reality, and it so happens this is my choice.

June 2012 Monthly Update

Sorry for the late update but here is my latest picture. Well I don't think the changes are obvious but I guess I did good on my arms and my chest this month. I have been trying to pump my abs harder but they are not very responsive as usual. Anyway, this coming month I will be upping my protein intake when I finally buy a rice cooker. I can then cook eggs, meat, and whatever it is that I want to experiment with. However it is not possible to actually eat healthy food all the time since I still go out for lunch with colleagues and hang out with friends. I will try my best to make educated choices to the best of my ability. My shoes are finally worn out so I won't be running till I get myself a new shoe. I doubt it will be soon and so I decide to try sticking to pure strength training for the entire month and see how my body reacts to it. This coupled with increased protein should have a positive effect on muscle growth though I am unsure if it will affect my liver or something else. I will need to make good on my intention of getting a health check soon.

The past month has been more or less a roller-coaster month for me. Of course there are ups and downs but never so violent I guess. In some instances I am even unsure how to react to it. But nevertheless I am constantly reminded of myself, my past and my hopes for the future. I am forced to reflect and to evaluate myself almost daily. It is very tiring by itself and things sometimes get worst when I am really tired from the day's work. A project is finishing soon so I need to do my best ensuring everything works as intended. It is unavoidable that I will feel too lazy to do anything though. I am sure everyone feels the same once in a while. I am not really nervous about it. Anyway, speaking of reactions, recently I helped out some of my colleagues and I doubted their sincerity when they expressed gratitude. It was terrible of me. I didn't think the problem was such a big deal though it was quite serious but somehow I feel uncomfortable with being appreciated. I always mention I wanted acknowledgement but I have always doubted words. Simply because words have always betrayed me in the past.

I wonder when will I be able to trust someone. Will I end up scaring people away? Though it is nothing new I guess. Day in day out I am constantly annoyed by the things people say. Even though I am more or less accustomed to it, it doesn't mean I am comfortable with it. I still feel offended. So I usually just ignore what people say. Sometimes I do wish I have more choices in friends. But you can't choose what cards you are dealt at the table. Just play your deck the best you can. I do not get the strength to go on simply via willpower or motivation. I find strength from others, from the things other people do when there is nothing in my life. I am not ashamed to rely on others for a purpose. I am not ashamed to admit that my priorities are shared with other people in my life. They are worth that much. If you cannot carry on your job for yourself, think about your family, think about your partner, think about the people around you. I will continue living, not only for myself, but for the people I care and also for the infinite possibilities of the future. Who knows who will I meet tomorrow? Let me finish this post with a quote I like and I guess it simply reflects everything that I am working for currently.

Everytime you look at someone, there will almost always be someone else looking at you. I am painfully aware that not everyone is fortunate enough to be blessed with love, but let me at least be able to love you with everything that I have.