More thoughts

Blogging is actually an enjoyable thing to do, provided you got time. It is very beneficial in a lot of ways. You can use it to express your thoughts, your feelings be it negative or positive. Of course it is always better to keep it positive since stuff like this tend to feed itself. You recount the good things in life, you will have a brighter outlook. The opposite happens if you dwell around negativity. Once you get stuck in a downward spiral, it is hard to release yourself without intervention by another party. I know some people have high personal awareness and maturity but it is always better to avoid rather than cure when possible. The days have been kind to me I guess. I am just greedy for more stimulation. Good or bad, events and issues give you things to think about, things to focus on at the very least. I am the kind of person that feels restless and flustered when I couldn't find a goal or couldn't make a clear decision. I do not like leaving things to circumstance or fate. Of course it is obvious that I hope I can control things as much as possible to avoid regrets or simply unnecessary trouble. But I also have a bad track record with fate in certain aspects of life. I am still alive and healthy though, and I hope I can keep it that way.

But circumstances are a fact of life. You cannot avoid dealing with circumstances if you want to continue living. What you can do is to steel yourself, try to prepare yourself and solve it the best way you can. It helps if you can find someone to support you along the way but even if you can't you still need to solve it. There is always a solution, either you didn't know, you are lazy or it is not beneficial to you. At that time, just choose the lesser evil I guess. Not all decisions are easy to make. That is why it is such an important skill to have either in your field of work or in your personal affairs. We need to accept that we cannot win in everything. Life is about give and take and coming out the winner in the end with a positive profit. I am also painfully aware that not everyone will be able to do that but at the very least give it your best shot. We only get to live once, make everything count. Sometimes it is easier to accept an unfavourable result when you know that you have already done whatever you can. Since reality dictates that you will fail, you can rest easy as there is nothing else you can do and there will be no regrets. The catch is that we won't know until we give it a try. There is no harm in trying when there is nothing else to lose. If you can't avoid losing, try to sneak in a small gain. If it was a miracle turn-around, I am sure it will serve as a wonderful memory. Don't give up.

I am already sick of people telling me positive advice on how to be positive or how to view my life. Good things do not always come to those who wait and sometimes not everyone is destined for a fulfilling and happy life. That is just the way it is. But I never stopped living my life. I have to prove them wrong or just fulfil whatever destiny that I have. To me, this is a win-win situation. Either way, I benefit somehow. Recently, I told someone that it is much more fun to dream. Of course the reply came back asking when will I wake up. My answer is easy and direct. If the promised day never comes, then life is simply a dream for me. If one day I finally get my chance, life would be fulfilling I guess. If it never comes, then life would just be me passing by this reality. It would be too idealistic to think that everyone will be able to live up to everything  that life has to offer. That too is a fact of life. But at the very least, see it through until the end. Some people only discover their life's calling through extraordinary circumstances. I am still waiting and is open to whatever reality 'suggests'. I am currently working as a web developer but who knows if I will be working in a different industry 5 years from now? I have never surrendered my future. I still need to feed myself and also support my family as much as possible. I am simply doing what I can do in the meantime, even though it might not be what I am supposed to do.

I have also been noted that I am rather harsh in judging people. It is very true. Maybe because people judge me a lot or simply because I am very strict with my principles. An eye for an eye. If you call me stupid, I will be willing to accept that moniker if you are smarter than me. If you eat your own words in the future, I will view you with extreme prejudice. If you come over with a superior tone, I will obey. I tend to give people the benefit of a doubt at first glance. Once you show an inferior display though, do not expect me to continue bowing. I try to follow my own rules all the time. I swear at people but I seldom call people stupid nor do I go about telling others what to do. I understand how annoying it could be. I guess this more or less explains one of the reasons why my social circle never grows. It is hard to even communicate with me since I will mark all of your words. However at least I do not nitpick and I do know not to take something literally all the time. I honestly hate that kind of humour. I don't get to show my displeasure all the time though. In the end, life revolves around relationships with other people. I realize a bit too late that I won't get too far if I do not take care of relationships, fake though it may be. To enjoy a true and honest relationship is something that seems to be too far to even wish for now.