Mundane

Recent days seem rather mundane to me. I have been stuck in the same project at work for a while now. No new changes in the social or economic front. The new rice cooker I bought is only practical during weekends when I have more time to experiment. Currently my house owner should still be unaware of my purchase. I am still using my old phone and my old laptop. Everything is just fine I guess. That is my biggest problem somehow. Among the reasons why I am such a heavy thinker is because I have a very short attention span. I cannot settle down into a routine that produce the same or known results. When I have free time, either I totally shut down and bum out watching TV or I start thinking about different things just to keep myself busy.  According to my parents, the only way to keep me quiet is to record 2 hours worth of TV advertisements and position me in front of it. I would just stare at the flashy graphics and the weird people talking in the box. Imagine a 5 year old already requiring that kind of stimulus to keep him interested. Now I am 26. I cannot work well without playing music as it would seem too 'quiet'. I feel comfortable opening up conversations with more than 3 people since I find the average reply speed pretty 'slow' for my tastes. So how the hell am I supposed to settle into a daily routine?

My daily life is still littered with minor annoyances. Call it superiority complex but don't you feel irritated also when there are rude drivers or obnoxious people speaking loudly in a crowded place? I find that I still harbour a lot of negative feelings towards people as a whole. There was a rumour that my company being the subsidiary might be forced to return to HQ later this year. I have been to HQ and the culture there is very 'friendly' and 'cosy'. To me, it simply means more headaches dealing with people. If I could find a corner seat, I would gladly take it. Let me slip on my headphones and I will deliver my work. Just don't disturb me. I am already making the assumption that having increased interaction with people would only increase annoyance. I am already accustomed to it and it really feels like that is the only way I can function properly. Maybe I am just afraid of history repeating itself. I would rather keep people at a safe distance away than to be isolated by 'friends'. It is like what someone posted in FB earlier today, asking what is the reason they add a person as a friend if they are just going to be quiet? It is like introducing yourself and then just continue talking to your own group of people. I will start deleting people in my list by this weekend. If sharing content, commenting or messaging is going to be a chore, then why bother right?

Referring to my post yesterday, I wish to add in about my obsession with skill or talent. Even though I usually judge people based on how they treat me first, I have a different rating system for skill. Since young, I have always disliked rich or influential people who inherited the privilege. The only reason they have what they have is simply because their parents earn it for them. Not because they are capable. Not because they are smarter than me. Maybe it is just my external projection of extreme jealousy but it is actually a double-edged sword. I have the utmost respect for people who have skill no matter their background. It will seem much more impressive when they do not rely on family support. But this way of thinking is flawed as well. Not everyone is blessed with a skill or talent. To think that hard work would suffice is very idealistic. There are walls that you will never be able to climb over simply through hard work. As for me, without financial wealth or other favourable privileges, the only thing I can rely on is honing skills. Anyway, simply put, I am a very bitter and complicated person I guess. I am those people that think reality itself is against me. Asking me to be grateful for what I have is useless since I will also remind myself of what I lack as I reflect on my life so far. Will I be able to change? Only time will tell. Onwards to tomorrow then.