Doing what I can

I have no idea if this is what I should do, but I know this is what I can do. Sounds kinda familiar to what was mentioned in the new Star Trek movie but who cares about copyright nowadays. Putting my feelings into words is the only thing I can do when I am alone in my room, trapped in my thoughts. And blogging about my problems with people is about the only thing I can do about them as well. I still have to meet them, I still have to interact with them. It is impossible to be honest all the time. Even doing the right thing may end up with the wrong results. This is my coping mechanism. But this is not what I will depend on. You can take away this blog but I will still think badly about you. And I will still continue to live. I personally do not care what you think of me. As long as those who matters are able to accept me, that is enough. As long as I get through to the ones important to me, to my future or even to other important people in my life, that is enough.

I guess you can never expect people to learn. You should never expect people to be sensitive as well. You can argue that not everyone is psychic but most of my gripes are about people behaving at a level lower than they are at. As a higher ranked senior, you should be more mature, more capable and definitely more respectful. How do you expect me to respect you when you have no respect for me as well as for yourself. What I have for you are expletives. Why are you not inspiring? Recently some people got promoted. Thus I question myself, what is my value? How do they perceive me? Simply a troublemaker? What must I do to gain a promotion myself? Even though the answer was clear, I still want to believe. Deep down I know that they cannot promise me anything. They are powerless. Words of praise from them mean nothing. Maybe that is why they do not even bother. I can deliver a hundred projects, but it is up to the whims of the powers that be to decide my fate. With this reality lingering in my mind, how do you expect me to concentrate on my work? The only thing driving me forward is my sense of duty and responsibility. The only thing driving me forward is my hope elsewhere.

I still have to prove that I am not just another programmer. I am worth more. I can help more. I refused to accept that stupid offer is because I do not feel that it will work. And yet you refuse to understand my concerns. How can you assign a programmer to monitor the entirety of a project, from sales to customer service and expect results? Nobody is going to follow my orders. You do not grant me a higher position or even a raise. Why do I want to risk my neck for you? You were so sure of the project earlier. Why must I pick up the slack halfway? Voicing my opinions does not necessarily mean I can do a better job than you do but just to help you cover your bases. If you take my opinions negatively, there is nothing I can do. But can you deny that what I say is wrong? Have you ever heard of product maturity? Any new product needs a certain time frame to reach the maximum potential. And we just throw one product after another recklessly. What are we hoping to achieve? Drown our customer base with information? Speaking of information we do not even announce our enhancements. Hoping for the customers to discover and learn is something so stupid I could not possibly comprehend. You knew we could not deliver a proper product and still you went forward with it. Are you the one that is actually trying to sink the ship?

What you hold in your hands are the careers of a group of employees working for your cause. Show me results for once. Just once. Give me a reason to cheer for you. Show me that my perception of you was dead wrong and you are actually awesome. Tell me that behind the scenes you were actually working on something big and everything was well worth it. Lead us to glory. I think I have a special hatred for people in authority. Maybe because I expect much more from them. After all, you are supposed to be better than me. Last week I was flabbergasted when I got dessert that is supposed to be both a promotion treat and afternoon tea. During lunch all of us paid separately and then you bought expensive cake slices out of the blue? Did you just went on a guilt trip? So we only get to eat awesome stuff when people get promoted? More than 3 people got promoted and all we get is one slice each? Blame this on my financial situation but I sincerely abhor it. You might as well just skip the cake. What I hate the most are people earning more than me but stingier than I am. You have financial burdens? So I don't? We are different? You don't say. I will show you what a proper promotion treat is like when I land it. Then you can go on your guilt trip.

Anyway things may improve in the near future. We are being forced to a precipice. Finally someone with a proper plan is able to knock some sense into the higher management. They are starting to listen and hopefully one day our voices will reach them. Not only mine, but everyone. I am the most vocal one, not the only one I can assure you that. I understand why they wish to remain anonymous, why they wish to remain silent. I can't blame them. Everyone has experienced some level of disappointment with the way things are done here. So it is no surprise that some gave up. Some just carry on. What is aggravating though is that the company did not try to keep them. This is not something recent. Even before the current pinch, seems like talent retention was never in the agenda. If we do not take solid action soon, everyone will be jobless. We are no more the giant we used to be. And even then, giants still may fall. Harder than most. Taking all our hopes and dreams along with it. I am angry. Very angry. What are they actually doing? Why are they given the power in the first place? Must I sit here helpless, and wait for the inevitable? No, I will try to do whatever I can do. Because you will not do it for me.