Showing restraint

I thought the shitstorm was over. But the way I see it, the fan is full of it. Can't say I have been through worst but this is not a walk in the park either. You can imagine how disappointed I am when I was careless enough to make a big mistake in my work and forcing a major part of the system to malfunction for at least one and a half days. I am not proud of it, but in my defense, it was stupid to put dependencies on another database altogether. It is like putting your pants in your shirt compartment in the closet. Sure, it is harmless but if I tell someone to clear my shirt compartment, I can say goodbye to my pants. Okay, this is a bad comparison but at least I tried. I am not denying the blame. You can put in on my tab. I will be damned if I let this junk stress me out. Following up after another is something that everyone hates. Because it wasn't your fault, it is not your responsibility nor is it your job. In this place, it is a different story altogether. You have to do what you are ordered to do. It does not have to make sense, as long as you deliver on time. Most of the time your vision or solution contradicts with the existing one, you bring it up, management too busy with their awesome meetings, simply tells you to do what you have to do, whatever that means. Being lost is an understatement. Just make sure it is ready by deadline.

I actually had 2 more paragraphs done, but I chose to delete them. What I write here are my personal feelings and how actions by others serve to hurt me. I never intend to hurt anybody or anything for that matter. After reading it again, I think I myself need to set the line. My emotions are a bit unstable right now so I feel it is best not to do anything too hasty. But I am not going to pull down my previous posts or apologize for anything I have posted thus far unless I am threatened by something substantial. Things seem very dire to me. Each passing day I feel so tired going through the routine. How much more should I take before people start assuming I am a stubborn idiot? This is not something noble nor is it something worthwhile. You think the bloody fools are going to thank me? It is simply fate that me and the rest who are in similar position to be here. I do not feel this is the place where I belong right now. I know everyone feels the same every now and then but how much longer must I endure? It is already the end of June and I have already gotten my increment and bonus. Must I really go through with this? It may hurt a lot of people. If you are wondering, I am not bombing anything so you can put down the phone. Maybe I am just too kind. A few more days to think at least.

One thing for sure, this project better work. Make it worth everything. Or you can just show me how futile my efforts are. And I will show you how vengeful I can be.