My image issues

I decided to take a few days break to review of what I have said so far before continuing my ranting. To see if it was a correct representation of my current situation, my feelings and my thoughts. To see if I might have said too much about the people around me. After some contemplation, no, I don't think so. In fact I would add more if possible. The issue of image has been haunting me since secondary school. When someone's son decided it is funny to open my personal blog in a cybercafe and show people. Back then, I was fat and nerdy. Imagine me being round with gelled hair combed sideways, wearing glasses and looking dorkish. I revealed in my blog that I was infatuated with a female and needless to say, my intention was criticized by most. She isolated me, some friends isolated me and I got depressed. I never had proof about the cybercafe incident but someone must have revealed it. Betrayal aside, my image was my downfall. Why is it that someone who looks bad never got the chance to even proof himself otherwise? I always believed if I was the sporty kind of kid, at least they won't view my pursuit of happiness as something forbidden.

This trauma was carried forward to my university life subconsciously. I slimmed down considerably due to the depression and a great fever. Then I met a senior who kept long hair and I thought he is cool. As a youth struggling with his image, I guess that was the role model I was looking for. He is so capable that the hostel lets him choose his room and keep a fridge. I thought maybe I can achieve something similar. Studies were okay but I was still rather shy and anti-social. Long story short, I was the one that slept at class and passed the exam. I did not buy any senior notes or past year exams and I ended up as the top 3, graduating upper second class due to some stupid grading issues. I was totally focused on breaking preconceptions of others. As long as you give me the chance, I will proof to you I am more than you bargained for. Too bad I took this both ways. I can be your best friend, your best worker but also your worst nightmare. This is also the reason why I like gaming. Everybody is equal there. You cannot judge anyone in advance. I attended my graduation ceremony as the first and last male student to have shoulder length hair. Just because I am crazy enough to try.

Onwards to my working life, I still keep my long hair but much to my chagrin I am forced to wear formal clothes to work. I am still very much inclined to show who I am instead of being a drone, wearing uniform and just following orders. Needless to say, that job did not last very long. But long enough to be of mention in my resume and to land my next job, which is my current job. Today I finally said what I have been keeping in my heart for a bit but never wanted to admit it. I love my job. I love my company. I simply hate management. And management can be improved or even to an extreme, changed. Which why I am still here in this company. After the meeting today, I love the company more. There are such diverse characters that I have yet to know. I have not enjoyed such fun conversation in a long time. Intellectual exchange of opinions that are well respected by both parties. Everybody is jolly with valuable insight. Maybe we are just being polite with strangers but I know there is still so much more the company has to offer.

Back to the topic, my image is that of a programmer. A person who specializes in IT aspects and not in marketing, sales or customer service. No, they would think I know none of those. Frankly yes, I have no working experience in those areas. But does that mean you can't consider my opinion? Those areas are not rocket science. It involves people. If I understand people and trends, does it not mean something? Matters dealing with people are always subjective and the best way is to collect a huge sample and find a pattern that is meaningful to your cause. Are you going to miss that golden idea just because you have to go through a thousand stupid ideas? Or are you going to collect ten thousand ideas, pick out a trend and turn them into something meaningful? And honestly, you are not such a good salesperson either. At least I am not sold on some of the ideas we have to do. How can you expect commitment from staff that disagrees with what you are trying to do? How can you sell something that your sales colleagues think is not the perfect product? They shouldn't need to struggle to find a selling point or answer the doubts of customers.

I always try to convince myself that you did your best as the representative of our division. That you have put all our objections on the table and it was ignored. But sometimes I just don't buy it. People are not stupid you know. Out of so many people I asked, they could see it is flawed. And I don't think the higher powers got to their position without using their brains. So why would the project still continue if the flaws are exposed? Sometimes my ideas got shot down because they claim it is a gamble. And some of our projects are not? We launched many new products into the market. Many we can claim as a first. There were no supporting data too. It was all based on speculation. Was it because my words hold no power? Was it because of my rank? Was it because of my image? You cannot blame me if I seek another place where my voice is heard. At least they listened. At least they replied, good or bad. Didn't our parents always say it is rude not to reply when someone talks to you? Or perhaps you hate me that much? Am I not worthy of your attention even?

Before you start cursing me in front of your screen, can you deny what I say? Is what I say wrong? If it is wrong, then it is obvious we have communication issues because our opinion is very different. How did things lead me to think like this? Am I the only one to feel this way? Is everyone actually honest with you? Answers aside, trust me on one little thing. I will break the image you impose on me. A programmer cannot provide  substantial marketing ideas? Then I will be the programmer who could. A mere programmer's opinion is to be ignored? I will be the programmer that seniors seek for idea discussion. I already broke the image that programmers are weak nerds. Just watch me. I made up my mind. I will do anything and everything I need to, in this company, just to show you. Quitting and succeeding in another company is not that meaningful. I want to do it here, where it matters.