More to say

If you treat others thinking they would have done the same to you, it is not noble but foolish. Perhaps that way of thought is not suitable for this day and age. Your disappointment will only grow and you will needlessly feel betrayed over and over again. Confronting someone over this was one of the worst things I have done so far. The words rang so clearly in my ears, 'I never asked for you to do it'. That was it. Faith in humanity vanquished. You see all those kind-hearted acts that people share, I see none of it. It is but fiction to me. When people treat me well, I become paranoid, questioning their motives, thinking it was something else. This increased my isolation and served only to make my mental condition worst. I realized yesterday after writing everything down that this blog may one day be the only record of who I am and my honest thoughts.

Today during a group discussion at work, I had a wonderful idea. An idea that can get people excited about. At least an idea that seemed to be big on paper. But the moment I mentioned it, it started with 'My friend...'. I dare not take credit anymore. I have become a coward. I fear that people will go around cheering my name perhaps in jealousy. Paranoia. I didn't want the attention. I hate it a lot. I just want the people in charge of my career to know that I am here and I am useful. Use me as you wish, use me to bring glory to your cause I care not, as long as I get what I deserve and it is worth the time and effort. I do not want to doubt the intentions of others. I am fine with everyone remembering me as just another guy. What do people think of me now? Attention seeker? I was just trying to help. Show off? Cut me down to size then. Come up with a better argument. You can watch everything die but I could not. I would rather try and fail than failing to even try.

Maybe the reason why is because I am trying to do what everyone has given up on. What is the point if all that we are going to build is going down the drain a few years from now, when history repeats itself? Are we really helplessly trapped in this vicious cycle? And then I am here, trying my best to assist our comeback. I am here contributing when others say it is foolish to believe in this company. To believe in a future with this company. I have nothing to convince everyone that things will get better but this is just what I can do right now. This is something I can do to tell myself that I have given my all, that I will have no regrets. To feel good about myself. And perhaps I can get you people on my side working on the same idea. Why must I be pushed aside simply because I am different? Why are you treating me differently all of a sudden? Is your current behavior anything to do with how you feel right now? Are you uncomfortable with me?

Then what about me? Have you thought about how I would feel? Do you understand how I feel? I am clinging desperately to any friendship that I have left. You are all that I have right now. I try so hard to forge new bonds that I learn things just to fit in. Just to create conversation topics. Just to create a link. Daily I argue with myself, to convince myself that you did not mean to hurt me, that you do not know my sensitive issues. But just how long can I suffer before I finally crack? Do I take the risk and voice out? Do people really care? Just because I face you every day does not mean it hurts any less. I delete people from contact to minimize our interaction, to lower the chance of me burning bridges. I just want to remember you the way we were. I do not wish to lose anyone anymore. Not for something I believe in. Not for being who I am. Please do not make me choose. Simply because I already know my answer and the pain that comes with it all too well.