Understanding me

I figured with all the pent up feelings in me, this post is bound to happen sooner or later. I have been reviewing myself after chatting with people and exploring my own thoughts. Many still do not understand why am I so bitter all the time about all manner of things. Let me try enlightening you then. I call myself a victim of management because my current and future situation is caused directly by management. When I signed in, I handed over my career path as I trust they will guide it properly. Now I am ashamed to even say I work there. Now I must shoulder the blame for something I did not agree on. Now I must suffer the consequences along with the rest. No matter how good I am, no matter how hard I work, everything will be for naught if this continues on. And now that I finally can see some bright light after contributing, people start teasing me for it. Maybe I can't take a compliment but instead of talking about it, why can't you join me?

Now, about me spending money. Just because you did not buy that product, or disagree with my purchase or just because I always say I am poor, is it wrong for me to buy it? Why must you make a big deal about it?  Why must you question me? Why didn't you come to my defense when I say I am poor but tease me when I finally have the money to buy something good for myself? Am I not even entitled to using my hard-earned money on something good for myself? Must you force my hand into ending our friendship just because of your childish tirades? You can call me over-reacting but this is how sensitive I am about my economic situation. If you are joking then sorry, any more of your jokes then it will be the end of me. If only you have half an idea about how much I worked for it, and how much I yearned for it, perhaps things will be different. If only you tried to understand me first.

Next, about my obsession with a smartphone. I have a female friend that I haven't met for a long time and we only keep in touch via Facebook. Finally I have gotten word that she came back to Malaysia and I asked for her contact number through Facebook. She asked if I have Whatsapp, and I say no since I do not have a smartphone. So I asked if we could just SMS. That was the last I heard of her. I am not even worth 5 cents to you? Now I just want to Whatsapp her 'Good Bye'. This was the case with all my previous university friends that I deleted from Facebook. All of you have cars, some even have houses now but you cannot spare just 5 cents keeping in touch with me? Not even free chatting via Facebook? With a smartphone I get GPS which is invaluable to me. Do you have any idea how many times I have gotten lost? Just because I have more uses for a phone than you do, just because I am going to buy a more expensive phone, please do not judge me.

How about people that do not reply on time? Yes I have always been obsessed with that. I regard it as simple manners to reply. If you are busy, just say it and I will understand. I will stay away from you. 2 letters, 'bz'. Too much also? Fine then. Why did you reply me in the first place and get a conversation running? Do you enjoy leaving conversations midway? Or perhaps you think the conversation is over? What about those times that I end my reply with a question? Now, I do not get so upset over it anymore. I have to adapt. Almost everyone does it, everywhere. In fact, nowadays I may leave a conversation too. But most of the time it gets so infuriating. Especially people that reply after quite some time. Why do you even bother? I admit some people view messaging online as something akin to e-mail where you are entitled to a slow reply. Or perhaps people just do not view replying me as something of high priority.

This week, a friend sent me the following picture. http://9gag.com/gag/a8Wdx9O So I do project such an image. Maybe I subconsciously choose to push everybody away. Maybe I really am in a social rut because of myself. Because I could not fit in with what the general population is thinking. I am the outcast. But because I am the outcast, I have the urge to be accepted. As the notion of having a friend becomes highly unlikely it becomes much more precious. And volatile. Any imperfections and I would just think it will end up the same as the others. I have given so many chances that it is now so rare. I am afraid to give anymore chances. My expectations have not faltered simply because I have destroyed so many friendships that it would be nothing short of betrayal of myself if I were to accept everybody now. If I were to conform and just smile blindly then I will lose myself. This is everything that I am, this is how I am and I do not know of any other way of living right now. This is me.